Chapter 22

TWENTY-TWO

SEVEN

Lying down on my stomach on the bed, I close my eyes as Havoc runs his fingers through my hair. He thinks he’s soothing me, but really, it’s the thought of the impending punishment that has me settling down.

I’m still nauseated from the booze, but the urge to vomit is gone—and I’m more than sober enough now to take this.

Not that I’d tell Caleb if I wasn’t.

Vortex lurks nearby, standing just beside the bed. He’s in full-on Daddy mode, as Della would call it, and I’m surprised to realize I don’t actually mind. I’ve called men Daddy before, men who have made my skin crawl. Vortex, though… He’s a caregiver in a way no one else has ever been for me, and I don’t know how I feel about that.

Not that it matters right now.

“I’m going to flog you,” Caleb announces in his authoritative voice. “But before I do, I want you to tell me why I’m doing this.”

I squirm.

I don’t like this part of the punishment at all, but I know he won’t get to the flogging until I work through why the three of them are so angry at me.

I should apparently be ashamed of myself or something, but I don’t really think I did anything wrong. I know what they want to hear, though.

“I had too much to drink,” I begin, my voice muffled from where I have my face buried against Havoc’s thigh.

“Shouldn’t have had anything at all,” Vortex mutters from nearby.

I lift my head and glower at him. “I’m an adult, Vortex.”

“If you want to be treated like an adult, you should fucking act like one,” Vortex retorts.

“No,” Caleb interjects. “That’s not why you’re being punished. Try again.”

“I was going to let someone else fuck me,” I say with a loud huff. “That’s why you’re mad.”

Havoc tightens his grip on me, but he releases immediately. “You shouldn’t have gone with another guy. You’ve already got us.”

I almost make a comment about them not being enough, just to see if I can piss them off, but I hold my tongue.

Barely.

“No,” Caleb interrupts again. “That isn’t it either. I want you to really think, Seven.”

“I am thinking,” I tell him. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Is it about the condom thing? Because you have me on those pills now.”

Caleb lets out a huff. “The pills don’t protect against other STIs. But no. The reason is, Seven, that we want you to be safe. We want you to care about your well-being. And that includes not doing something you clearly hate just to provoke a reaction from me, or Vortex, or Havoc.”

“I didn’t do it because I hated it,” I protest, panic rising inside me. “Everyone says getting drunk feels good, so I thought I’d try it. And sex does feel good. None of you were around, so… I don’t think I did anything wrong. I didn’t do it to get a reaction. I did it because…” I trail off.

I don’t want to talk about mafia things, or what had been going through my head.

I’d only just started to escape those thoughts.

Fuck.

Caleb approaches the bed and trails the ends of his flogger along my bare back. “So I shouldn’t punish you after all? You don’t want me to give you this?”

“I didn’t say that!” I say, the panic getting more intense. “I don’t… Don’t twist my words, Master . You want to punish me, you think I deserve it, so punish me.”

“I don’t think you deserve it,” Caleb answers softly. “I love giving you pain, pet, but it’s because I like seeing your reactions, not because I want to punish you.” He places his hand on the small of my back. “Pain is something I’m sharing with you, not forcing on you.”

“I don’t…” I shake my head, biting my bottom lip.

I don’t understand.

He’d been angry when we’d come back, hadn’t he? Or had it just been that Havoc and Vortex had been so pissed off that it had seemed like Caleb had been too?

“Please,” I say. I need something I can focus on, something I can understand, and the only things I know that thoroughly are sex and violence. “I need you to… to do that. To share pain with me. Or fuck me. Or… Or something. I don’t know. Just… please.”

My eyes blur with tears. I don’t know what I’ll do if Caleb denies me this.

“All right.” Caleb bends down and kisses the top of my head. “I’m going to give you fifteen lashes.”

I shake my head and desperately plead, “That’s not enough.”

It’s always been thirty lashes. Thirty is good. Thirty was when she’d get tired of whipping me, and she would stroke my back gently and say, “ I hope you learned your lesson, baby.”

Anything less than thirty, and she wouldn’t touch me after.

“I’m giving you fifteen, and we’ll see how you feel after,” Caleb says, a bit harsher. “But I trust I can make you feel it.”

He backs away, and Havoc tightens his grip on my shoulders. “If you want to stop, you tell me,” Havoc says. “I’ll fucking get between you and the flogger and take it myself if I have to, okay?”

Something like annoyance edges in alongside the panic, and it makes it a little easier to breathe. “I can handle it.”

I can handle a lot, probably more than they think I ever could.

“I suppose there’s no point in starting with a warm-up stroke,” Caleb says. “Havoc, don’t jostle him around. I want to make him hurt, not cause damage. But I think you understand that sentiment, right?”

Havoc lets go of me long enough to flip Caleb off. “I’m not like you, you fuckwad.”

I open my mouth to whine, but that’s when the first lash hits me.

I cry out in pain, surprised at just how sharp it is.

Caleb really didn’t bother with a warm up at all—and I’m fucking grateful for it.

I take the lashes with greedy relish, the pain warming up my back and my ass as he gives me a proper flogging. He knows what he’s doing; that much is clear in each stroke.

If I have to try to fuck some random guy in the bar to get this again, I will.

About halfway through, I think I hear Vortex saying something. I ignore him, rubbing my face against Havoc’s thigh and enjoying the feeling of the pleasure and pain as they coalesce inside of me.

It feels so fucking good .

The lashes keep coming, landing close to each other and stacking pain on pain on pain. I groan and grind my cock against the bed. My face heats up, the arousal blending with the agony of the next lash.

I could do this forever.

“Fourteen,” Havoc whispers, cutting into my hazy thoughts.

I mewl, giving a shake of my head. I’m not ready for this to almost be over. I need more of it to ground me, to hold me down and refuse to let me go until my entire world is nothing but pain and distance from the thoughts that had dragged me here. “More,” I croak out. “Need… need more.”

The flogger comes down on my back again, over one of the existing welts. I cry out and raise my ass in the air in a desperate, silent plea.

I hear something clatter to the floor, and then Caleb sits down next to me. “Shh. You’re done, pet. You did well.” He trails his fingers over the freshest welts. “How are you feeling?”

I whimper.

“I learned my lesson,” I whisper, the words so ingrained that I don’t know what else to say.

I’m not sure that’s true, though. I’m not sure I learned anything at all.

Vortex sits on the other side of the bed, and he quietly says, “The only lesson to learn is that one of us will always be here to give you what you need.”

Caleb shakes his head, and I panic, expecting a reprimand or a real punishment. Instead, he asks, “Why did you really go to that man today, Seven? Be honest now.”

It all threatens to come storming back, and I blink several times as I try not to let it. But now that the thoughts are there, I can’t get rid of them.

“I don’t… I can’t…” I nearly choke on my words, and I rub my face against Havoc’s groin in the hope that he’ll interrupt, that he’ll try to turn this toward sex.

I know better, though.

The itch beneath my skin is becoming familiar, and I need more of that pain to try to get rid of it—because if I don’t, I don’t know what will happen. I can’t tell Caleb the truth. He really would get angry at me.

He wouldn’t understand.

I give a hard shake of my head, even though I’m dreading him deciding that he’s going to pull away from me.

“Hey, none of that,” Vortex says gently. He pets my shoulder. “If you don’t want to tell Caleb, you can tell me or Havoc. But you gotta tell us, so we can help you in the future.”

I try to fight back a sob, but the sound just ends up strangled, making me sound like some wounded animal. “I’m… I was… I… It was…” I try, stammering out the words as I try to make sense of my own feelings. “I’m scared,” I finally manage to get out. “And I wanted—” I can’t tell them what I’d wanted, how badly I’d needed to hurt myself. “I wanted it to stop hurting.”

Havoc huffs. “I’m always down for some rough sex. You know that, Seven.”

“You weren’t there ,” I say, hating myself for sounding so pathetic. “No one was. And I know , it’s stupid not to be able to be alone, and I?—”

I glance at Caleb through my tears, then fall silent.

“I don’t know,” I mumble.

“I left you my number,” Havoc says quietly, for all the good that had done me.

Caleb suddenly gets up, and despair crashes into me. He’s going to leave. Just like I thought, he’s going to leave, and while I should be relieved, I’m just not.

“I’m getting lotions for your back,” Caleb says. “I’ll be right back. Vortex, can you grab a drink for Seven?”

“On it, boss,” Vortex says, the weight lifting from the bed as he gets up too.

I want to scream as they leave me.

Havoc’s grip on me tightens. “Hey, I’m right here. Just focus on me for now, okay?” He bends forward to kiss the top of my head. “Do you need me to do anything? You want me to get your clothes?”

I squeeze my eyes closed against the tide of panic all over again. “No! Please, please just stay.” The tears burn like the alcohol had going down. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Havoc suddenly pulls me upright and into his arms. He squeezes, and that makes the pain in the welts flare up, and I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. I sob into his shoulder.

I hear Caleb walk back, and the mattress shifts with his weight. The cream he starts to apply smells different from the other scents he’d used, but it’s cool and soothing when it goes onto my back. “This might be easier if you lie down again, Seven, but…”

I shake my head and tighten my arms around Havoc. “Please,” I croak out. “Please don’t make me move.”

“Nobody’s making you do anything,” Havoc promises. “You know I hate being told what to do.”

I sniffle, almost managing a smile through my tears. “Yeah,” I say.

He strokes my hair, and I start to calm down. I don’t know if it’s the scent of the balm Caleb’s using on my back, or the touch, or Havoc’s hard hold on me. Maybe it’s all of it.

Maybe I’m just realizing they’re not going to abandon me even though I didn’t take enough of a punishment.

Only fifteen.

It hadn’t been enough.

I quash my panic even as it threatens to rear its ugly head again.

Vortex returns then, and I peek out to see that he’s carrying four Roi de Pique branded sports bottles. “Why don’t you have regular bottled water, Caleb?” he grumbles as he sets three of them down on the dresser.

“Bottled water isn’t very eco-friendly, now is it?” Caleb responds. “I went through all the trouble to upgrade the hotel and casino to be as climate friendly as possible. I’m not going to be a hypocrite in my own home. Filtered tap water is fresher anyway.”

“Oh my god,” Vortex laments. “It’s just—” Caleb must’ve given him a look or something because Vortex gives an exaggerated sigh and concedes, “Yeah, okay.” He stops next to me, handing me one of the sports bottles. “Here you go, Seven.”

I shake my head. “Not thirsty.”

His brows lift, and he continues to hold the bottle out to me. “Did I ask?” he asks dryly.

I shudder, but I open my mouth. Vortex lifts the bottle to my lips and tilts it so I can drink. Some of the water spills when I close my mouth to swallow, but nobody admonishes me or yells at me.

I wipe at the spilled water as unobtrusively as I can, but I know Vortex has seen it.

Only when I really can’t drink anymore does he finally pull back, setting the bottle on the bedside table. “Okay. How do you feel?”

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out the answer to that question. Caleb is still rubbing the cream into my back, and Havoc is still holding me tight. Vortex is close, radiating protective energy. Between the three of them, I almost feel… safe.

“I’m okay,” I tell him. I don’t think I’m lying, either.

Caleb’s hands still, but he doesn’t move them away. “Do you want to sit in Vortex’s lap? With your welts against his chest?”

I shiver at the thought of it, and gratitude fills me at the idea of finding comfort both from being held and having the reminder of the flogging. I nod.

“Move over,” Vortex orders Havoc.

It takes a little bit of jostling, but we manage to shift so that Vortex and Havoc are seated next to each other and I’m in Vortex’s lap. I lean hard against him, my eyes fluttering closed as I feel the way the welts press against Vortex’s chest, but I reach out blindly for Caleb, too.

Thoughts that I’ve suppressed threaten to come up again, reminding me that he’s dangerous , and I snatch my hand back like I’ll be burned if he touches me.

Havoc takes the hand and lifts it up to kiss it. Caleb doesn’t even look hurt by my reaction.

“We just did the easy part,” Caleb says softly. “It’s time for the hard part, Seven. We’re going to have to talk.”

Dread makes my heart plummet into my chest, and I shake my head furiously, turning my head so I can hide my face away. I don’t want to talk.

“Yes,” Vortex says firmly. “We need to understand what happened so we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“We already talked,” I say, looking pleadingly up at him. “Wasn’t that enough?”

“You were afraid, so you went to the bar to get drunk and fuck a stranger,” Caleb says tonelessly. I can’t tell if he’s mad or not, and that puts me more on edge. “Is that correct?”

I nod and avert my gaze. I thought we were done with the punishments.

It’s because it was only fifteen lashes.

Havoc squeezes my thigh. “I get being scared of Caleb, but why didn’t you call me? Did I do something? I scared you, too? Because of how I choked you, or what I told you yesterday?”

I squeeze my eyes closed tight. “No! No, you didn’t do anything I just…” Can I even say it? I pause, then mumble, “I guess I didn’t know what to do with the numbers on that kind of phone, okay?”

Vortex squeezes me gently. “‘That kind of phone?’ What kind of phone?”

Caleb pulls the old-school phone from the bedside table onto his lap. “This phone? You press the 9 to dial outside of the hotel, then the numbers in sequence.” He presses a sequence of buttons, and a cellphone in the room rings. “That’s my phone,” Caleb explains. He hangs up, and the ringing in the room stops. Caleb pushes the phone toward me. “Do you want to try?”

It’s stupid. It’s so fucking stupid. How was I supposed to know that? No one had ever mentioned something weird like putting a 9 in front of a number before.

“There was no 9 on that paper. And that’s not how it works on your phones,” I whisper, letting Vortex hold me tighter as I try not to dissolve completely into tears again. “You just touch the screen, and there are names.”

But how would I know? It’s not like I’ve used a fucking phone before.

Havoc huffs a small laugh. “Yeah. Guess I forgot about the dialing out part. And the numbers are programmed in on our phones, but if it’s a new contact, we still have to dial the number.” He shifts and removes his phone from his pocket. I watch as he swipes on the screen until a grid of numbers appears. “Type 555—that’s the local area code. You don’t need a 9 on this one.”

I shakily take his phone and push the numbers. Two names pop up after I get the first five digits typed.

One is Caleb Spade.

The other is Step Asshole .

Havoc quickly taps Caleb’s name, and the ringing starts again.

“God, I’m fucking stupid,” I say, nearly choking on the words. “I should’ve known that.”

Havoc directs me to push the red handset icon to hang up the call.

“I might have removed the paper where it explains the dialing out part since I don’t need it,” Caleb says. “We’ll get you a cellphone, Seven. All our numbers will be programmed in so you won’t have to memorize any numbers or keep any address books.”

I don’t know how it’s possible to feel any more alarmed, but I do. I can’t have anything like that. It isn’t allowed. I shake my head quickly. “No. I would just lose it or break it or something.”

Vortex runs his hand lightly down my back, which feels strange with the way the cream is still slightly smooth to the touch and the welts are still sensitive. “If you lose it, we get you another one. Same for if you break it. These things happen.”

“But those things are expensive!” I protest.

They were definitely out of my price range when I’d thought about buying one to see why everybody kept staring at the screens.

Caleb chuckles now. “Isn’t that what you wanted? For me to spoil you with all my endless cash? I’ll have you know, I run a successful casino. I can probably afford a cellphone or two.”

“Buy a new one for me while you’re at it,” Havoc demands. “Since you’re Mr. Big Bucks.”

She had let me play on hers once, but when I’d dropped it, she’d been furious.

I shudder at the memory, and Vortex’s arms come around me again, more tightly this time.

“It’ll be better for you to have one,” he says quietly. “That means you can always reach us. No more putting yourself into danger with people who could hurt you. You’ll always have us within reach.”

I don’t know how the fuck these things work, but I guess I’ll have to figure it out. It hadn’t looked so difficult when Havoc had walked me through how to get to his numbers, and I’m sure they’ll show me because…

Because I think they’ve caught on to things I’m nowhere near ready enough for them to have started to understand.

They know so much.

Too much.

“All right. Since we have a game plan now.” Caleb smiles at me. “If I scare you again, just talk to Vortex or Havoc. If you need somebody to talk to you or touch you, talk to any of us.” He pauses, and in a more serious voice, he adds, “I’m amending the rule. No fucking anybody who isn’t one of us.”

I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I can promise that.

“Okay,” I say, nodding.

“We mean it, Seven,” Vortex says, gripping the back of my neck firmly but somehow gently at the same time. “Just the three of us.”

Part of me wants to mouth off to him, to demand to know what exactly he’ll do if I fuck someone else, but… The other part is relieved that this is it. That I won’t have to entertain other men, that I won’t have to try to learn their preferences, that I won’t have to fight and hide from yet another person.

“I said okay ,” I mutter.

“In that case.” Caleb glances at the other two. “This bed isn’t big enough for four people. If you want to sleep with somebody who isn’t me, Seven, you’ll have to go back to your own bedroom. Nacho will probably appreciate it, too.”

“Is there going to be like…” I scrunch up my nose. “A rotation, or something? A calendar?” I pause, thinking. “Havoc, don’t you need a place to stay? You can stay in my room?” I hate the little high note to my voice, the way I’m not sure whether I’m hoping he’ll agree or refuse.

Havoc scratches the back of his neck. “Nah, I, um. I talked to the landlady. I’ll grab one of the places I was looking at earlier. But I’ll make sure to get a huge bed.” He darts a glance at Caleb before looking back at me. “I need my own space too, at least for now. I’ve got my own baggage to deal with.”

Vortex snorts, but he keeps whatever snarky comment he might’ve had at the ready to himself as he kisses me on the top of the head. “We’ll be here when you need us,” he says instead. “But you can sleep alone, too. Well. With Nacho. Somehow, I don’t think he’d let you sleep completely alone. He’s more demanding than all of us put together.”

I can’t help but smile at that, even though it’s strained. “Yeah. He’d just meow at the door until I let him in.”

We keep talking about nothing, and the strange mood from earlier today is mostly gone.

As long as I don’t think about who Caleb is.

As long as I pretend Vortex is just a bodyguard.

As long as I forget that Havoc would sell me out for his salary.

As long as I remember that, in the end, I can only depend on myself.