Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

SEVEN

I stare down at Nacho, who’s head butting against my hand and has been ever since I sat down on the bed. I don’t understand what happened tonight. It had started out so well with the drag show, but then it had quickly devolved as Vortex had made it clear he’s not actually interested in me. He’d just wanted to ask me questions, probably for Caleb.

And if he’s not interested in me… Then what? It’s not like it matters. There’s still Caleb, who’s made it clear he’s not going to lose interest any time soon. I don’t know what I’d do if he did. I’m slowly adding to my stash of money, but I keep losing at blackjack, so it isn’t going as quickly as I’d like.

Not that it matters. I still have to figure out how I’m going to get out of here when the time comes.

I should’ve played Havoc harder. He’d been right at the point of no return, and I’d only had to say a few words… But I wasn’t ready. Not yet. Not with less than a thousand bucks and the knowledge that Caleb could set someone on me if I tried to vanish.

My blood runs cold at the memory, and I stare darkly at the door to my bedroom. I’m not stupid. Caleb knows more than he’s letting on, and that isn’t good for me. I’m almost as far away as I can get from the east coast, but it still doesn’t feel like it’s far enough.

Especially since Vortex seems to know exactly where I’m from.

Fuck.

How much do they know?

Too much.

I get up, ignoring Nacho’s pathetic meow of displeasure, and start to pace until he scrambles off of the bed and gets underfoot. I grab him, holding him against my chest and burying my face in his soft fur.

He starts to purr, and I wish it could soothe some of the frantic edge from my mood. I want to sleep, but I’m too agitated. There is one thing I could do to distract myself, to exhaust myself, and I’m crossing over to set Nacho back down on the bed before I even realize I’ve made up my mind.

I head to Caleb’s room, shutting both Nacho and Miss K out. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust, but I see his sleeping form.

It must be nice to sleep so peacefully, devoid of nightmares and without miserable thoughts plaguing your existence.

I strip down, leaving my clothes carelessly on the floor, then crawl into bed with him.

He’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats. That five o’clock shadow is on its way to being a real beard.

And his eyes are still closed.

I get closer to him, but even with me entirely in his personal space, he doesn’t wake.

It pisses me off.

I yank the blanket off of him, determined to wake him as rudely as possible now, and he starts to stir. There.

“Hi,” I say flatly. I should be trying to seduce him, but I’m not in the mood for plain old sex. I want him to dominate me, to hurt me, and he’s not going to do that if I’m nice and gentle about it.

“Seven? What?” Caleb props himself up on his elbow and rubs his eyes. “What time is it?” He squints in the direction of the electronic bedside clock, then sighs and picks it up to stare at it. “2:43? I just fell asleep.”

“Sucks for you,” I say. “I can’t sleep at all, so.” I shrug.

Questions float in my mind, and I want to know whether he put Vortex up to that little questioning session at the ice cream shop. Vortex tries to be nice enough, but I doubt he has the resources to have orchestrated any sort of real search into my past.

He was a little too on the nose for it to have come from anywhere but Caleb.

“So you’re making sure I can’t sleep either.” Caleb sets the clock back down and pulls the blanket back up. “Go watch TV and fall asleep on the couch. With the volume on low, please.”

“Make me,” I snap at him. “You want to get into my head, fine. But that doesn’t mean you get to sleep all peaceful while I suffer.” I didn’t mean to say that last bit, but it’s out before I can stop it.

Oh fucking well. I’m sure Vortex is going to tell him all about our date anyway.

Caleb makes a disgruntled sound and sits back up. He turns on the bedside lamp, then reaches for the pair of glasses next to the bed.

I watch as he puts the glasses on.

“Why are you wearing those?” I ask.

Caleb rolls his eyes. “Because I’m near-sighted? And if you want me to give you attention, I want to be able to see you.”

I scoff at him. “You don’t need to be able to see me to fuck me senseless,” I tell him.

“I’m not going to fuck you,” Caleb says. He leans against the headboard and groans. “Fuck. Didn’t Vortex tire you out? That was the point of you having extra boyfriends.”

I glare at him harder at the mention of Vortex. “No,” I snap. “He was too busy asking me fucking questions to fuck me. I guess you had something to do with that?”

“What questions?” Caleb asks, sounding genuinely confused. “I’ve been dealing with bureaucracy and PR all day.”

I want to shout at him, to shake him, to remind him that there’s no way Vortex would’ve mentioned New Bristol by accident, but I don’t want Caleb to be the one asking questions right now. “It doesn’t matter,” I say. I slide my hand down onto his cock, finding it soft, and scowl harder. “Just fuck me, and I’ll leave you alone.”

Fuck me. Hurt me. Make me bleed.

Caleb wraps his hands around my wrists and squeezes. “No.”

“Isn’t that what I’m here for?” I demand. “To be your little fucktoy? So do it. Fuck me. I’m right the fuck here, Master .”

I wish my voice wasn’t shaking. I wish I wasn’t starting to sound desperate.

But if he rejects me, too… I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Caleb releases one wrist but keeps his hand tight around the other one. “If I’m your master, then you’re here to do what I want.” He gets out of bed and tugs me along. “Come on.”

He’s not going to fuck this ugly mood out of me.

He’s not going to beat my ass for acting out.

He’s probably going to put me on the couch, turn on the TV, and abandon me.

Then what?

Caleb drags me to the kitchen. Miss K jumps down from the nearby cat tree and starts rubbing against Caleb’s legs, like she thinks he’s going to feed her at this hour.

He smiles down at her. “Yeah, it should be bedtime.” He glances at me. “I’m giving you two choices, and if you refuse to answer, I’m going to pick and you don’t get to complain. Got it?”

I give an exaggerated roll of my eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

Caleb lets go of my wrist and walks over to the electric kettle. “Chamomile or lemon tea?”

I gape at him. “You… What?” I can’t be hearing him right. “You want me to choose what kind of tea you’re going to force down my throat?”

I don’t want this. I don’t want tea. I don’t want to calm down.

What the fuck do I have to do to get him to snap?

“Chamomile, then.” Caleb yawns and turns the kettle on.

“You know what, Caleb? Fuck you,” I say, and I turn on my heel. I’ll just go back to my room and be alone. It’s better than this indifferent bullshit.

“Stop,” Caleb orders sharply. “I told you what was going to happen. Now sit the fuck down.”

“No, you told me I had to ‘obey’ you,” I snarl at him. “Then you asked me what kind of fucking tea I want, like I’m some old lady. You didn’t tell me what was going to happen. I don’t want tea, and I don’t want to be around you anymore. Just go back to bed like you wanted.”

Caleb glares at me, but the glasses make his eyes look smaller, and his hair is disheveled. He doesn’t look like some hotshot dominant asshole.

He’s just some guy.

“I’m leaving,” I announce. “You don’t get to… you don’t get to do any of this.”

Caleb sighs loudly.

The kettle lets out a sound to announce that the water is done boiling.

“Go sit on the couch. If you disobey, if you try to leave—I will tie you to the fucking guest bed and leave you there. Isolated. Alone.”

The idea of it is horrifying, but I swallow down my panic as I let my rage to the forefront. “Don’t bother. I’ll go there myself. Isolated and alone and away from you .” I storm off, hugging my arms against my chest. The urge to dig my nails deep into them is strong, to feel something other than this desperate misery, and it’s all I can do not to do it.

Not where he can see, at least. He doesn’t have to know what happens behind closed doors.

Caleb doesn’t follow me.

I want to slam the door shut, but I can’t even get myself to close it all the way. I stare at the small opening between the door and the doorframe, and I tell myself that Caleb isn’t really going to lock me in, that I’m not really going to be trapped here.

It doesn’t help.

After a few minutes, I hear the TV in the living room.

I huff out a laugh of disbelief, but it turns into a sob. Of course he doesn’t fucking care. He’d rather lock me up and leave me alone than to…

What?

I wouldn’t want to deal with me either.

I sniffle, but I can’t bring myself to go back out there.

My arms are still wrapped around my body, and my nails graze my skin—lightly at first, then outright clawing. Breaking the skin is harder than it sounds, but I need this. I need this to hurt. I need this to remind me that no one gives a fuck about me.

In the end, they all just use me and toss me aside when I’m inconvenient for them.

My nails dig in harder, deeper, leaving crescents and scratches and marks that I’ve brought onto myself.

Everyone would be furious with me for hurting myself.

That’s their job.

But I tried. I tried to get Caleb to hurt me, and he fucking wouldn’t.

I throw myself onto the bed face down, burying my face in the pillow as ugly sobs start to wrack my body. I tug at my hair to feel the pain, harshly twisting and pretending it’s someone else, that I’m not being ignored .

I let out a long, ugly sob, and I should be quiet, I need to be quiet because being loud means getting punished, but punishment is still better than this fucking silence.

The walls are closing in on me. I scratch my arm and sob through the tears.

Stop crying, baby. You’re too old for tantrums.

A meow suddenly breaks through my pathetic noises.

I startle and sit up.

Caleb is standing in the doorway. Miss K is in his arms, but that wasn’t Miss K’s meow.

Nacho jumps onto the bed and rubs against my arm. I flinch, but Nacho doesn’t care.

“Did that help?” Caleb asks. I can’t tell where he’s looking in the dark and how his glasses reflect the little light in the room.

Did it? I don’t even know.

I just know that I am suddenly, abruptly, exhausted.

I shrug, grabbing the blankets and pulling them over my lap. “Go to bed,” I mumble. “I won’t bother you again.”

“The tea is still warm,” Caleb says calmly. “Come drink it.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want it,” I say, that sullen, ugly streak still alive and well inside of me. “Stop pretending you’re being nice to me. I don’t want your fucking tea. Just chain me to the bed and leave me alone if that’s what you want to do. I don’t care anymore.”

“Judging by how you reacted when I threatened it, I think you do care,” Caleb says. “Anyway, it wasn’t a request. It’s an order.”

“I don’t care !” I burst out. “Fuck your orders. Fuck you .” I dissolve into tears again, hating myself for letting him see this side of me but unable to stop it.

Caleb sets Miss K down on the floor and crosses the distance to the bed. He doesn’t say anything as he grips my hand and tugs me out of bed.

I try to dig my feet into the floor, but I’m tired, and I’m having a hard time breathing, and I’m intensely relieved that he hasn’t simply shut the door on me.

“I hate you,” I say between sobs as he leads me back into the main room.

Caleb makes me sit on the couch, then he hands a warm mug to me.

“What do I need to threaten to make sure you don’t throw that?” Caleb asks quietly. “To lock you in the basement?” My breath hitches, and I start to tremble, but he keeps going. “To reach out to the authorities? To give Nacho up for adoption?”

I stare at him as he lists my worst nightmares, and my voice is raspy as I whisper, “Over tea? You’d…”

God, I really do fucking hate him, now more than ever.

Caleb sits down next to me. “How well do you know me? You’re acting out because you want a reaction, but it could be a reaction you don’t want. I told you, be smart when negotiating, Seven.”

“I’m not fucking negotiating ,” I say, tears starting to trail down my cheeks again. Again? I don’t think they ever even stopped. “All I wanted was for you to use me. That’s why I’m here, remember?”

To fuck me, to hurt me, to make the pain inside go away. Not to be threatened with things that would break me.

“If all I cared about was a piece of ass, I could have had plenty of easier ones,” Caleb answers. He takes my hand and forces me to lift the cup up to my lips. “Drink, Seven. I want you to do this.”

“I don’t care what you want,” I say automatically, but I do it anyway. I take a sip of the tea, and it’s warm and aromatic. It should be soothing, but I don’t want to be soothed like this. I don’t like this. It’s unsettling and terrifying and all I can think about is Vortex talking about New Bristol and now Caleb talking about locking me away, about giving Nacho up. Not to mention getting the authorities involved, which would be a surefire way to end up back home.

Home.

Maybe that’s what I need after all. At least there, I was on solid ground… except I wasn’t, was I? I never knew what each day would bring.

I drink half the tea before I lower the mug. Caleb takes it from my hand, takes a sip, then sets it aside.

I tense, waiting for another threat, another reprimand.

Just do what you’re told, baby, her voice echoes in my ears.

Fuck. I thought I’d managed to forget her voice. I sob, more tears rolling down my cheeks. I shouldn’t cry. I’m going to get into trouble for crying, for letting my face get blotchy and ugly, but I can’t stop.

Caleb wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. “I love seeing you cry,” he says softly. “I shouldn’t.” He kisses my jaw, and I shudder, almost missing the rest of his words. “But I didn’t fuck you because I’m fucking tired, Seven. Not because I don’t want to.”

It takes me a moment to process. I’ve been rejected twice in one night, both times because the men said they’re tired . Like I ever got to say no when I was tired. Like anyone ever fucking cared if I was asleep or exhausted or even sick.

“Okay,” I rasp. Not because it’s fair, or because I understand, but because I don’t know what else to say.

“And I’m not giving away Nacho.” Caleb yawns and gestures across the room. “Miss K seems to like him.”

I follow where he pointed, and my eyes widen when I see Miss K licking Nacho’s head. I wipe at my tears, not wanting to see this through blurry eyes. At least there’s that. At least Caleb won’t really give Nacho away to someone who might mistreat him, or hurt him, or give him less of a life than what he deserves.

Nacho is so sweet and pure, and he deserves better than to be punished on my behalf.

“All right.” I pause, then add in a mumble, “Thank you.”

Caleb grabs the remote and hands it to me, yawning again. “Pick something for us to watch.”

The instinct to flee instead of having to make a decision—no matter how small I know it is—rears its ugly head. “There’s too much to choose from,” I whisper helplessly. “Can we just… go to bed instead?”

“Sure.” Caleb strokes my hair, then tugs it a little sharper. I moan and pull away from the touch so it’s stronger, but Caleb releases me. I let out a whimper of disappointment, but I let him pull me to my feet.

I still feel unsettled, at a loss, and I wrap my arms around myself again. I can feel the raised marks, and those help. Not much. But some.

He leads me into the bedroom, and I climb into bed when he holds the covers up for me.

“Would you really do it?” I ask quietly.

Caleb gets into the bed, takes his glasses off and turns the nightlight off. Then he pulls me into his arms. “Would I what? Lock you up? Put you in danger? Give Nacho away?”

I nod against his chest, unable to croak even one word out as those possibilities pulse in my mind.

Caleb’s breath brushes against my cheek. “I’m going to tell you, but don’t think that means I’m a pushover.”

I hold my breath.

“No. I like the cat. I want you here. I like you, Seven.”

I swallow hard, then nod. The hard part about all of this is that I do like Caleb, too—and I like Vortex and even Havoc. But I can’t stay here.

After tonight, I’m more sure of that than ever.

I burrow into his arms anyway, wishing I could warm up on the inside. But no matter how hard I try… I just hurt.

And I don’t know if anything can ever change that.