Chapter 12

TWELVE

SEVEN

The seats Caleb got for us aren’t the best in the house, but they are fairly isolated. I don’t know if he did that on purpose or if it was by random chance that we ended up in a corner, with Havoc between me and the exit. He’s large enough that I bet nobody can see me past him.

There’s also nobody sitting directly around us.

“Have you ever been to one of these?” I ask Havoc, unsure of why I’m so apprehensive of all the empty space around our seats.

Havoc shakes his head. “Nah. It’s like eighty bucks for a ticket. I’ve got better things to spend my money on.”

I can’t imagine spending eighty dollars on a ticket to one of these shows, either.

I wonder how well the performers get paid.

A dark part of me wonders whether they get paid at all.

I shake it off, watching the empty stage as others file into their seats and settle down. Havoc’s arm wraps around me, and he pulls me close to him. I let him, humming as though I’m pleased to be that close to him, but I feel uncomfortable in my skin.

The lights dim, and the show begins. A woman in a skimpy outfit introduces herself as the MC, warns people that it’s going to be a raunchy show, then launches into some comedy routine while the other performers get ready around her.

Havoc chuckles at her jokes, but I can barely get myself to smile.

I fidget with the hem of the shirt Caleb bought for me staring down at it instead of looking at the stage. Is it Caleb who owns me, or is it this place? Maybe I’m paranoid to think of the entire casino as a front for something darker, but then, I’ve started to hear some rumors. I doubt the Roi is on the up and up.

Havoc shifts in his seat, and I glance up to see two scantily clad people performing a highly suggestive acrobatic show. It’s only a step away from softcore porn, with how much skin is showing and how their bodies are touching.

People laugh, and I don’t understand what the joke is—but Havoc is laughing too, so somebody must have said something funny. My ears are buzzing strangely, and I realize I can’t hear anything that’s going on.

I need to do something to get my mind off of this. Anything.

I nuzzle Havoc’s neck, pressing a kiss to the skin. “Hey,” I whisper.

Havoc strokes my back gently. “Hey,” he answers with amusement. “The show getting to you?”

I start to say yes, then I realize he doesn’t mean it in the way I’m thinking. He thinks I’m getting off on it, not that I’m practically melting down.

“Of course,” I say anyway, flashing a smirk at him. I slide my hand over his thigh to his cock, squeezing gently. “You?”

He huffs out a laugh. “A little. Those are some hot guys on stage.” He leans in and points toward the acrobat on the tightrope. “I keep waiting to see if his cock slips out of that g-string.”

I follow his gesture even as I rub his cock through his pants. “Hmm. Are you wanting it to?” I ask, trying for teasing.

He doesn’t seem to even notice anything’s wrong, and my resentment toward him ratchets up even higher.

Havoc puts his hand around my wrist, stopping my movements. “Seven… If you keep doing that, we’ll be the ones putting on a show.”

I scoff at him. “No one’s paying attention to us,” I point out. “They’re all engrossed in the show.”

Everyone is, it seems… except me.

Why the fuck am I like this?

Havoc meets my gaze, and I can’t tell if he’s actually interested or not.

I need him to be interested.

I need him to focus on me.

I use my other hand to stroke him, and he finally lets go of me so I can undo his fly.

“Fuck. But we keep things quiet,” he whispers, his eyes darting around.

“Of course,” I reassure him.

I want to slide to my knees, to really lose myself in this moment, but that’s too likely to draw attention to us. A surreptitious handjob should go unnoticed, especially with how sparsely this section of the audience is occupied.

I kiss his neck again.

It isn’t even fucking fair, how easy this is.

Havoc bites his lip to stifle a groan, then removes my hand. I glare at him, but he’s just removing his jacket so he can place it over his lap.

“I’ll do you after,” Havoc whispers.

I smile at him. “You don’t have to,” I tell him, putting my hand right back on his crotch as I work to overcome his reservations. “I’m just enjoying myself.”

Havoc strokes the back of my neck, giving it a light squeeze, and the hint of violence has my heart racing in good ways and bad ways alike.

He spreads his legs to give me better access. His cock slowly hardens under my touch, and I watch his expression. He’s trying very hard not to show how turned on he is.

But he’s also watching the stage, not me.

I shouldn’t care.

That should be a good thing. It means I don’t have to work so hard to pretend that I’m fine .

It isn’t.

I run my hand up and down his cock, squeezing and teasing him, as I rest my head against his shoulder again. I close my eyes, starting to drift. He isn’t paying attention to me, so I don’t need to pay attention to him, either. All he wants is my hand, my touch, and fuck, I wish that didn’t hurt for some inexplicable reason.

Weren’t we having a nice time at the bar? We’d just been… talking.

He’d acted like he cared about my opinions.

He’d listened to me.

Now I’m nothing again.

Maybe I’d brought this upon myself by turning this sexual, but I’d needed the distraction. Now that I have it, though, I’m finding it’s not what I expected it to be.

Even as he laughs at the show, and his breath occasionally catches as I touch him just right, I dissociate more and more from the moment. He doesn’t need me to be here, not really. I could be replaced with a cocksleeve for all he knows or cares.

I tighten my grip, and Havoc gasps.

“Shit, Seven…” Havoc squeezes my shoulder. “I like some pain, but maybe not right now.”

Distantly, I register his words, and I adjust my touch to something more to his liking. “Sorry,” I tell him, running my tongue along his throat before nipping at the skin. “This too much for you?”

Havoc exhales heavily and his eyes slide shut. “Fuck… gonna make a mess. Should probably stop. I’ll plow you later.”

Am I disappointed or relieved? I’m not sure. I blink a few times, trying to come back to myself, and I pout at him. “Promise?”

“Definitely.” Havoc tilts my chin up and kisses me hard. Now I gasp, clinging to his shirt and unsure of what’s going on. I don’t know whether I like it, either, because it brings me back into the moment—whether I like it or not.

“Okay,” I whisper.

Havoc moves my hand away from his lap and somehow manages to stuff his erection back into his jeans. He settles again, jacket still over his lap, and turns his attention back to the show.

I can’t focus on it. I want to slide my hand back onto his crotch and get back to the part of myself where I don’t have to feel this—any of this. I close my eyes, but I can’t return to the distracted state of mind I crave so desperately.

My body doesn’t feel like my own. I’m trembling, and I rest my head on Havoc’s shoulder again to remind him that I’m still here.

He briefly pulls me closer to him, but that’s his only reaction.

I don’t know how long it takes for the show to finally end, but the applause surprises me. Havoc gets up with the rest of the audience to give the performers a standing ovation.

When the lights brighten once more, I let Havoc help me up.

He gives me a strange look. “You didn’t enjoy the show?”

I offer him my brightest smile. “Of course I did,” I reassure him. “Maybe not as much as you did, though.” I smirk at him, then grab his hand. “Come on. I need you.”

Havoc lets me drag him out of the auditorium. I head toward the hotel elevators, but Havoc suddenly stops and pulls me back.

I glance at him with a brittle smile. “My room is that way.”

“I know someplace closer,” Havoc says, and he leads me to an Employees Only door.

There’s a hallway on the other side, but the first door is a private, single-occupant bathroom. Havoc locks the door behind him.

“You have a thing for fucking in bathrooms?” I ask, but I’m already undoing my fly.

“I have a thing for hot, teasing twinks,” Havoc responds. He bats my hands away to unzip me the rest of the way. He strokes me with one hand while holding the back of my head with the other, leaning in for a messy kiss.

His lips crash into mine, and I let out a needy moan against them. I have to have this. I’d been denied during the circus when my mind had threatened to spiral out of control, and now… Now I have to have it. I have to have this distraction, this semblance of something normal.

I reach for his pants to unfasten them, but he doesn’t let me do that either.

Frowning, I pause, pulling back just enough to be able to meet his eyes. “Something wrong?”

Havoc shakes his head and kisses my jaw. “Nah. I’m all keyed up though, it wouldn’t be a good time for you.”

I laugh and dig my fingers into his back. “I assure you, it’ll definitely be a good time.”

He ignores me and kisses his way down my chest, until he’s on his knees and face to face with my cock. He grins up at me. “This’ll be a better time for you.”

My laughter dies in my throat, and I stare down at him, not comprehending. “What? No. I like it rough, Havoc,” I tell him as panic starts to flutter within my stomach. I grab him by the hair, pulling hard as I try to awaken that more primal side of him. “C’mon.”

Havoc laughs and nips my stomach. “I can add a bit of teeth, if you want.”

I grip his hair tighter, trying to dissuade him, but it does no good. He wraps his lips around my cock and gives it a long, hard suck.

I cry out at the unexpected— unwelcome —pleasure, and I buck, driving my cock deeper into his mouth. I have to do something to get him to stop. I can’t handle this much sensation, this much attention devoted solely to me.

He just keeps sucking, and I can’t do anything but stand there and try to get my panting under control.

I cling to him awkwardly, trying to keep my balance while he continues to lick and suck me without any concern for himself.

What the fuck.

What the actual fuck.

“Havoc…” I whimper, digging my nails into his shoulders. “I’m good. You can fuck me now.”

Havoc pulls off and glances up at me, but he wraps his hand around my cock too. “Are you saying my cocksucking skills aren’t up to the task?”

“What?” I ask, not comprehending for several seconds. “No! I’m not… I just want you to fuck me, that’s all.”

No, I need him to fuck me. I’m not sure I can handle this at all. This onslaught of pleasure, the way he’s doing it without any of his own, is confusing me to the point where I’m surprised I haven’t started to go soft.

“Don’t you want to fuck me?” I try.

Havoc laughs and rests his head against my stomach. “Honestly? Yeah, but I also forgot to bring condoms.” He strokes my cock and licks the slit, making me moan. “Don’t worry, I can make you feel great with just my mouth.”

That’s the problem.

He can, and he is, and I don’t know what to make of it.

“But I should be making you feel good after teasing you like—” My words cut off as he runs his tongue along the underside of my cock, and I nearly choke. “Havoc!”

“Just relax, Seven. You can let go. Come in my mouth or on my face. Either’s good.” Havoc motions to the sink behind him with a grin. “We can wash up easily, at least.”

I gape at him, uncomprehending. “You want me to…”

I have never, not once, even thought about coming on someone else’s face. Having them come on mine, sure. That’s happened more times than I can count. But having it happen the other way around?

“Havoc…” I try again, more weakly this time, but he’s already wrapped his mouth back around my cock, and the words just aren’t coming anymore.

Is this okay? Am I allowed to do nothing while he sucks me off?

I hear a strange sound, and open my eyes to look down.

Havoc is jerking himself off while sucking me. He notices my gaze and smiles—then scrapes his teeth along the sensitive head of my cock.

I yelp, but it’s not an unwelcome sensation. Not like the way he laps the skin after to soothe it, which is unfamiliar. I’m trembling as I watch him, and I have to lean heavily against the bathroom wall to keep from losing my balance.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself?

The sheer panic is almost enough to make me soften—or it would be, if he wasn’t back to sucking me hard enough to make me see stars.

My own breathing echoes in my ears. Every gasp might as well be a siren. I’m so loud, but I can’t stop myself from moaning and whimpering.

“I’m—I’m close—” I say as a warning.

Havoc pulls off, but keeps his lips near my cock. “What’ll it be? In my mouth? On my face?”

I don’t recognize the strangled sound that escapes me, and it takes me a moment to formulate my answer. “N-neither. You can just… just jerk me?” I don’t mean for it to sound like a question.

Havoc scoffs and wraps his lips around my cock once more. I let out a strangled cry, but I can’t stop the pleasure from overwhelming me.

I come into his mouth, and Havoc moans and opens his mouth wider. I don’t understand what he’s doing until I’m completely empty. When I look down, Havoc winks at me and shows me my cum on his tongue.

I watch in fascination as he swallows it all down.

“Don’t you think that tastes gross?” I ask after a few seconds.

Havoc bursts out laughing. “Yeah, a bit. But it’s hot, right?” He rests his head against my stomach. “Give me a few seconds—” He closes his eyes and goes back to stroking himself.

“No!” I say quickly, grabbing him by the hair again. “Let me do it. I want to suck you off.”

I need to. I need to get out of my head. I need to think about what I know how to do instead of trying to absorb this pleasure that I can’t control and don’t know what to do with.

“Won’t last,” Havoc murmurs, kissing my hands. “Just—nng.” His eyes screw tight and his mouth opens in a low moan as he comes onto the bathroom floor.

“Fuck,” I whisper, staring at him without comprehension at the way he just blew me off in favor of just giving himself a handjob—after sucking me off. It just doesn’t make sense.

What the fuck is he going to expect from me now?

“I’ll clean it up,” I say quickly, tucking my cock back away and trying to make a beeline for the paper towel dispenser.

Havoc stands up and grabs me before I can take more than a few steps, then pulls me against his big chest. “Hey, chill. Enjoy the afterglow.” He kisses my jaw. “As much of an afterglow as we can have in the employee restroom.”

I let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah. Afterglow.”

I don’t tell him that there’s no afterglow. Not when I don’t know what the fuck has just happened and I can’t even begin to process it.

“We could go upstairs,” I suggest cautiously. “Get a condom, then you could fuck me for real.”

Havoc shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. “Nah. I don’t want to fuck in Caleb’s penthouse. And anyway, I’m kind of tired.” He finally lets go of me.

I watch dumbly as he takes some paper towels, cleans himself up, then begins cleaning the bathroom floor. Tired?

“You’re tired,” I repeat.

Havoc nods. “I’ve been running around most of the day. I just came.” He smiles up at me. “Not that I wouldn’t want to go again, if it were physically possible. I like you, Seven. But let’s call this the end of the date.”

The end of the date.

I can barely even comprehend what he’s saying. It just feels improbable, if not downright impossible. “Okay, yeah,” I say, bobbing my head in a nod. “It was a good date. I had fun.”

Liar.

Havoc drops the paper towels in the trash and steps into my personal space. “Me too.” He bends down to kiss me, but I accidentally flinch away.

Havoc’s smile gets strained. “Okay. Sorry about that. I should learn better date etiquette. Manners. Whatever. I haven’t been on a real date in years.”

“No, it’s me,” I tell him. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a real date, too.”

He scoffs at me.

“Seriously,” I tell him, touching his arm. “I’m learning too.”

What I don’t say is that this is my first date, and I’ve already decided I don’t like them.

I don’t like them at all, and I’m not looking forward to my date with Vortex.

Fuck. If Caleb decides he wants one, too, I’ll be stuck in this hell again and again.