Chapter 31

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

LUNA

T he days are getting cooler and shorter as summer gives way to fall.

The NHL season hit full stride four weeks ago, and slowly I've become more withdrawn from reality. I've barely checked socials, determined to bury my head as far in the sand as possible.

I haven't seen Zach in almost three months, and despite the way I've withdrawn, I can still feel him all around me. The want to be near him only grows stronger as does the lump in my throat each time my students tease me about dating a hockey player.

I wish it were that simple.

I wish I had all the answers.

I wish I could call him right now and tell him I want to try and make this work.

Because I do. With every piece of me, I want this to work.

But like I told him that day outside departures, I'm not sixteen anymore. I don't have a crush on the local hockey boy who sits in some of my classes and hangs out with the same friends. Instead, I'm a thirty-one-year-old woman who's fallen for a man who lives and works on the other side of the country. I've fallen for him and not his lifestyle. I've fallen for his friends and the amazing people he has around him, but not the way every part of their lives is put under a microscope.

I sit at my desk at the end of the school week, grading piled high beside the cold cup of coffee I forgot to drink. I feel distracted and off-center. In the past, I've found refuge in my work, but not anymore. Peace has escaped me. I haven't even wanted to swim since it provides no relief.

The overwhelm and need to feel connected to him again wars with the part of my consciousness that holds me back from potentially hurting us both. The younger teenage girl would drop everything to be with the boy she likes. But the older Luna, the one who's trying to think things through, knows if I commit to moving to Seattle, then I'll be going all into the unknown, and I can't do unknown. The guilt of leaving my mom also eats away at me. We aren't close, but who else does she have?

I'm scared to make the jump, but I'm unhappy staying where I am. I hoped time would help show me the way and help me decide one way or the other. I hoped internalizing for a while would help me work out what was best for us both. But I just keep digging and muddying the waters.

I'd feel desperate if it weren't for the two girls I've come to love so much. I need them, so I pull out my phone to empty my heart once more. I thought they'd be sick of me and my upset by now, but each time I contact them, they're there and ready to prop me up.

Me

This really sucks.

Felicity

Talk to me, babe.

Me

I would if I knew what to say.

Kate

For what it's worth, I think if space was going to give you answers, then it would've by now.

Me

I miss him.

Kate

I'd miss that butt too.

Felicity

Not helpful.

Kate

Just speaking the truth.

Felicity

This runs deeper than a nice ass.

Kate

Hmmm……

Felicity

Go and do something useful and make me a coffee.

Biatch.

Kate

You're closer to the kitchenette.

Felicity

But I made the last one. Since you're not doing any work, and yes, I can see you've been scrolling on your phone for the past half hour—even from across the office. Go and pop the kettle on. Please.

Kate

You're so bossy these days. Poor Jon.

Felicity

Sorry about that little interlude, Luna.

I catch myself smiling as the texts fly in between two girls who call me their "bestie."

Me

That's the first time I've smiled in weeks.

Felicity

Oh, hunny. For what it's worth though, I think Kate might have a point.

Kate

*Takes screenshot as evidence*

Felicity

FFS. Oat milk, please.

But seriously, I do. Plus, if you think you're miserable, you should see Zach. This absence isn't doing either of you any good. I think you need to reconnect with what you shared this summer to help you work it all out.

I know he's struggling; he's not exactly hidden his feelings. It's as much being apart as it is not knowing how and if we can make this work.

Absence doesn't make the heart fonder; it fucking breaks it.

I slump in my chair and rest my elbows on the desk in defeat, holding my phone out in front of me.

Me

What do I do?

Felicity

I think it's time to communicate with him. I think it's time to see each other again. I think you need to start taking some leaps of faith.

Me

Is that what you did with Jon?

Felicity

If I'd listened to my fears, then I wouldn't be marrying the man of my dreams next year.

Me

I don't know when I'll get to see him again. His schedule is so stacked.

I know every movement the team makes this season, even if I don't follow it on social media. I always know where he is.

Felicity

Start small. Call him. Or better yet, do something or go somewhere that reminds you of him, something you did together. Let your heart rule you for once, babe, because I don't think your head is doing you any favors.

Kate

I second this.

I leap from my seat and grab my bag and keys. Knowing exactly where that place is.

Me

I love you both so much.

Felicity

Keep us posted.

Memories instantly flood my mind. The way I secretly checked him out behind the safety of my sunglasses. I smile as I remember dropping the breakfast package off on his first morning back in Cocoa Beach. I can still smell the fresh paint, clinging to the beams of the porch as I walk the few steps to the front door. I still remember the way he sat me on the hood of my car and kissed me. And I still remember the first time I told him I had to pull back.

Searching through the ring of keys, I eventually find the one to the front door and slide it into the lock.

It's been months since I was here. Too many good memories lie within these four walls. Memories that I've wanted to bury but cling onto all at the same time, and it's overwhelming.

Stepping into the kitchen area, I don't know why, but against the backdrop of the unlived space, I notice a lone coffee mug that has been rinsed and turned upside down on the drainer.

Why is that there? It seems out of place when everything else has been put away.

The tiny couch still sits in the corner of the living room. The TV's perched on top of the small stand and the wooden coffee table I've sat countless drinks on top is still where it was the last time I was here.

I drop my bag on the usual stool tucked under the kitchen countertop and run my hand along the marble, stopping when I reach the place where Zach first picked me up and sat me down. That was the start of everything between us, the start of us sleeping together this summer. It was the moment the friendship we'd nurtured morphed into something more. I'm not sure if it's something I want to get back either. Because a friendship with Zach will never be enough.

I'd say it's all or nothing, but nothing seems impossible too.

The sun has almost completely set as I make my way out onto the veranda. The lounger Zach bought and set up for me is collapsed and stored in its all-weather box. He put that away, knowing I wouldn't use it again after I started staying at my place when I initially told him we needed to step back. I want to rip the lid off and rebuild it. I want to lie back down in my bikini and wait for him to return from Whistler. I want to pretend I'm listening to my audiobook as he makes his way through the house, searching for me.

Forcing my feet to carry me to the bedroom, I walk the few paces to the door and push down the handle.

I don't hate moon gray.

I've never hated it. In fact, I'd never paint it yellow because that would erase the memories I know I want to hold onto.

But it's not until I see the gouge in the wall from the headboard that I realize I want to make more with him. In whatever form they come and under whatever circumstances they happen, whether fleeting moments or long weekends, I need to make more memories.

Because for the first time in months, I feel . I have clarity. And I know what I want.

I promised myself when I was driving over here that I would walk through every room in the house. It's not like there are many in this tiny place.

The last room aside from the bathroom is the spare bedroom—the first room we worked on—and I wonder if he did much more with it since it was an empty shell when I left.

The door opens with a click, and instantly, I want to fall to my knees when I see a state-of-the-art telescope set up and mounted in the middle of the room.

He knew my current scope was on its way out.

It's a thing of beauty as I run my hand along the gleaming white optical tube. I know, without a doubt, I'll be able to see the International Space Station as it passes across the moon, something I've never been able to do.

My phone pings with a text.

Zach

When you get to it, look up.

Oh. My. God.

He installed a huge skylight directly above the scope, which can rotate three hundred-sixty degrees.

My phone pings again.

Zach

No matter where we are, we'll always be able to see the same stars.

I don't bother to hit reply or find out how he knows I'm at the beach house.

It doesn't matter.

All that does matter is speaking to him and hearing his voice.

"Hi," he says on a choked breath.

"Hey." My voice is shaky, thick with emotion.

"You found it then."

"You never told me."

"I wanted you to come back when you were ready." He puffs out a breath. "But I was starting to think that would never happen."

"It's amazing. I love it." My voice cracks, and tears stream down my cheeks. Again.

"Come back to Seattle. I need to see you, Rocket."

My heart trips out at the thought. "When?"

"Tomorrow? Hell, fucking now?"

A laugh bursts out. "I can't. I still have work; I can't just call in sick for two weeks."

"Then come for Thanksgiving. I have a couple of games; I'll get you tickets in the family box."

"Where will I stay?"

"Luna," he says in a disbelieving tone. "There's only one place you'll stay when you're with me. And that's my fucking bed, wrapped in my arms."