10. Evie

Chapter 10

Evie

"I'm so glad we're doing this," Tessa said from beside me on a park bench while Ollie played in a nearby sandbox.

"To new friends." I held up my disposable coffee cup and tapped it to hers.

She took a sip, and I mirrored the action. It was a beautiful fall day in Indianapolis. The leaves on the trees had turned brilliant shades of red, orange, and yellow. The weather was chilly, but with the sun shining, it felt warmer than it was.

"VeeVee!" Ollie cried, running over.

My heart threatened to burst at hearing him try to say my name. He was seriously the sweetest little guy, and I wanted to eat him up.

"What's up, buddy?" I leaned forward when he got closer to put us at eye level.

He made an excited sound, pointing to the swingset on the far side of the playground.

"You want me to push you on the swings?"

His dark hair flopped in his eyes with how enthusiastically he nodded. "Peease." He clasped his chubby little hands and brought them to his chest.

I snuck a peek at Tessa. "Well, so long as it's all right with your mama."

Tessa stood, placing her coffee in the cupholder of the double stroller where Bailey was sleeping soundly. "Sounds like fun. Let's go!"

Ollie shot off to the other side of the park as fast as his tiny legs would carry him, and I laughed. "He's seriously adorable. You're so very blessed."

She sighed, smiling at her son. "It's exhausting and amazing at the same time. Does that make any sense?"

Nodding, I lifted Ollie into my arms, placing his legs strategically through the holes of the toddler swing. "Sounds about right."

"Like I would jump in front of a car for them, but I also want one minute where someone isn't touching me."

I chuckled. Sure, I'd glamorized motherhood in my mind, but I was well aware it came with its challenges, too. "My younger brother and I are three years apart, so a little more of a gap than between your littles, but my mama always used to tell us that there were days she prayed for bedtime to come quicker, but when it did, she would spend hours staring at us in our sleep instead of doing something for herself to unwind."

I gave my little friend a hearty push and relished the sound of his delighted squeals.

Tessa rocked the stroller back and forth gently. "It's funny. I have a background in education, but it wasn't enough to prepare me for becoming a mom. But I suppose having twenty-four mostly self-sufficient ten-year-olds to guide seven hours a day isn't quite the same as babies and toddlers you care for 24/7."

Mindlessly, I pushed Ollie on the swing. "You were a teacher?"

She took a long pull from her coffee cup and hummed in the affirmative. "Well, sort of. I was finishing up my degree in childhood education, where the final semester was spent student teaching in a local school when I met Asher."

The night we met, Tessa had mentioned being married to Asher for three years. I'd been gone for four, and he hadn't been attached when I left, so their courtship must have been a whirlwind romance.

"How did you two meet?" I asked, curious.

"Believe it or not, we met at the school where I was student teaching. He was the featured speaker at an assembly about kids staying active. We bumped into each other in the office when he first came in. And I mean that literally. I ran right into that solid brick wall of muscle and nearly landed on my ass. But his reflexes were lightning-quick, and he grabbed me before I could fall. I was so embarrassed when I realized he was a professional athlete. I felt like a clumsy girl and rushed off, my face on fire. During that assembly, I stood against the auditorium wall near where my class was seated, and even as he spoke to the room, his eyes kept finding mine. Three hours later, I walked out of the building and found him waiting for me. Seven months later, we were married. I was so young, and it seemed so quick, but when you meet the love of your life, you don't want to waste any more time."

Smiling, I mused, "I was pretty young when I got married, too. But unlike you, I didn't get the chance to finish my degree before following Jenner to Indy."

Tessa's eyebrows shot up. "Wait. I thought you guys just got married."

Shit. I forgot that Asher knew our history, but his young wife didn't.

I twisted the rings on my left hand. I was tired of lying, so I decided to tell the truth.

Taking a deep breath, I confessed, "Jenner and I recently got remarried. We were married once before, and things kinda fell apart."

"Oh." Her mouth formed a perfect circle. "That's why Asher was so surprised when I told him about you."

"Yeah. It was a mess, honestly. Maddox is still mad at me."

"Eh. The only people who need to be involved in your relationship are you and Jenner. If you're happy being back together, then forget everyone else."

She might be young, but she had a point. "Thanks, Tessa."

"And it's not like Maddox has any room to talk. His fiancé is much younger than him."

I laughed. "Yeah, and you should've seen her at Pipes the other night. Her singing. Woof."

We burst into a fit of giggles.

Tessa bent over and gripped her side. When she finally could take a deep breath, she said, "She's such a sweet girl, but—sidenote: I will kill you if you share this with anyone—last year when I was pregnant and she got on stage, Bailey went so nuts in my belly I thought she was gonna claw her way out of me just to get away from the sound."

A snort flew from my nose, and I clamped a hand over it. "Oh my God. That's hilarious."

"All teasing aside, Bristol is good for him. He was in a really dark place after the injury. At least, according to what I heard from Asher, since Maddox kinda drew in on himself."

I knew a thing or two about dark places, so maybe Maddox and I could find some common ground and move past our issues.

"I heard it was bad."

Tessa nodded. "And during the championship run, no less. I think he's got some unfinished business." She sighed. "They all do."

I wish I'd been there.

"But anyway, he took on the coaching job, and Bristol showed up. It was nice to see him come back to life."

Huffing out a disbelieving laugh, I said, "I still can't believe he's getting married."

"Love will make you do crazy things."

I raised my coffee. "I'll drink to that."

"Okay, now it's your turn to fill me in. You and Jenner were married, then divorced, and now you're married again?"

God, it had been so long since I'd had a girlfriend to talk to, and even then, I'd kept her in the dark about our private struggles. My online support groups were great because they were filled with women going through the same thing. They understood me, but it wasn't like they could reach through the computer and give me a hug.

They didn't know me the way Natasha did.

I think my reluctance to confide in her boiled down to several factors.

First, I was ashamed. My body had failed me, and then science failed me.

Second, she'd gotten pregnant twice, both times by accident.

The first time was while we were in college. She had been nowhere near ready to be a mom, so she'd terminated the pregnancy. I'd supported her—even though I could never make that choice for myself—because it was what she'd felt was best for her. The second time had been with a guy she'd been dating for about a year, and together, they decided to keep the baby.

She had what I wanted so desperately, and it came so easily that I began to resent her. But it was never Natasha's fault. The issue was with me, and I was the one to blame for our friendship slowly dying.

Regret over losing my best friend was why I decided to open up to Tessa now.

A wry laugh fell from my lips. "How much time do you have? It's a long story."

Tessa peeked at Bailey, still asleep in the stroller, before shamelessly pressing on the outside of her breasts. "It's not an exact science, but I'd say you've got at least twenty minutes before she needs to eat. Hit me with the short version, and you can flesh out the details the next time we meet up."

I nodded. "All right. Let's see. I caught his eye one day on campus, and that confident man waltzed right up to my group of girlfriends to introduce himself. He got my name but not my number. We ran into each other again about a month later, and he hit me hard with the charm. He invited me to his game, and even though I knew nothing about hockey, growing up in Oklahoma, he was cute and interested, and I figured, why not?"

She nudged me with her elbow. "You loved it, didn't you?"

"How could I not? It's unreal. I had no idea what I was missing. And that was just college hockey. I nearly died the first time I saw him play in a professional game. Well, after I fought the urge to throw up because I was so nervous for him."

"I think it's really cool you two were together when he was getting his start. That had to be special to experience. Asher was already well-established when we met."

My head tilted from side to side. "Yeah, but there was uncertainty associated with those early days. That first contract saw him move up and down between the Speed and their minor league affiliate in Cincinnati, the Crawlers. It was rough, both mentally and physically. Jenner would get in his head every time he was sent down, and we'd have to pick up our lives on a moment's notice and head to Cincy. He worked hard to prove himself, and it paid off."

"I'd say so. He's the captain now."

Looking skyward, I blew out a breath. "I still can't believe it." Lowering my head, I muttered, "And I hate that I wasn't here for it. I was selfish, and I shouldn't have left the way I did."

Tessa placed a hand on my arm. "You don't have to tell me if it's too painful."

I shrugged. "I'm used to the pain by now."

When she stared at me with sympathy in her eyes, I continued. "We got married young the first time. I was twenty-one, and Jenner was twenty-two. He'd gotten signed by the Speed at the end of his junior—my sophomore—year. I was on the fence about going with him. We'd only been together for a little over eighteen months. But I loved him, and when he got down on one knee, I was a goner."

"Been there," Tessa supplied.

"We looked into transferring my credits, but enrolling in classes with the constant shuffle between Indy and Cincinnati was too difficult, so my education fell by the wayside. I became the dutiful hockey wife, but I didn't feel like I was missing anything by not having a college degree. I was happy with my life, happy with my husband and supporting his career."

"But something changed, didn't it?"

I toed the ground. "Yeah. We decided to try for a baby."

A rush of air flew past Tessa's lips. "Oh." She understood without me having to say much more, which I appreciated.

"Yeah. It was really hard." I blinked back the tears, the emotions rushing back to the surface of how agonizing that process had been, only to yield no results. "Technically, there's nothing wrong with either one of us. We just could never make it happen. And Lord knows we tried every option. Nothing worked."

"I'm sorry." Though her voice was soft, it was full of compassion.

"Me, too. Because for as difficult as it was for me, trying in vain to conceive, it was devastating for Jenner to watch me suffer." I sniffled, remembering that morning. "I think I would have kept trying forever. But after what turned out to be our final round of IVF failed, Jenner broke. He said he couldn't do it anymore, and I wasn't ready to accept it. He offered other options to become parents, but I took it personally. It felt like he was giving up on me. So, I packed a bag and ran away."

"Where did you go?"

"Home. Back to Oklahoma. He tried reaching out." I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "So many times. But I never answered. I knew if I heard his voice begging me to come back, telling me that he loved me, I would run back into his arms. I was so deep in my depression that I knew I would drag him right down with me. So, instead of talking to my husband, I filed for divorce." I scoffed. "It took years to come back to myself and realize my mistake."

"You still love him, don't you?"

It was such a simple question, but it had my head snapping up. Tessa's lips were curved in a sad smile, but there wasn't a trace of pity on her face. She might be young, but she got it—got me.

"I never stopped," I admitted.

"So you came back."

"Yeah."

Emotionally drained, I didn't have it in me to tell her that my reason for coming back wasn't so much about my love for Jenner as it was my desperation to become a mother. Maybe someday, if my dream ever came true.

"Up, VeeVee! Up!" Ollie's sweet voice saved me from any further explanation.

He held his arms high, gesturing to be lifted, and I was happy to oblige. I might not have my own child, but this little guy helped soothe the ache in my soul, even if he wasn't mine.

Resting him on my hip, I asked, "Where would you like to play next?"

A chubby finger pointed toward the playscape. "Wheeee!"

One look at the bumpy slide visible, and I knew exactly what he wanted.

Tessa spoke from behind me as a tiny whimper reached my ears. "I'm gonna sit down and feed her. You good with him?"

I bounced Ollie. "Of course. Let's go for a ride on the slide while Mama takes care of Baby Sister."

Setting him down once we reached the steps leading up to the slide, I let him grip my finger from the side as he climbed onto the platform.

"Okay, buddy. Sit on your bum." Ollie followed my instructions while I repositioned myself at the bottom of the slide. "Now, go!"

He shoved off, flying over the bump and squealing. When he reached the bottom, I scooped him into my arms and spun him around to the sound of his delighted giggles.

"More! More!" he cried, so I set him on his feet, and we repeated the process again.

My heart had never been so full, and this wasn't even my child. I could only imagine what it would feel like someday when a little one looked up at me with unconditional love in their eyes simply because I was their mama.

Ollie was on his fifth trip up the steps when my phone buzzed in my back pocket. When it buzzed again in quick succession, I realized it wasn't an incoming text but a call. Probably my mother, wondering how things were going.

Pulling it out as I kept an eye on the toddler under my supervision, I was gearing up to fire off a text to tell her I'd call her back later when I saw a number I didn't recognize. But the Indy exchange had me curious, and I slid my index finger across the screen to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi. I'm hoping to reach Evangeline Knight?" the female voice on the other end replied.

"You've found her. How can I help you?" I bent down just in time to catch Ollie with one hand.

"This is Miranda Williams. I'm the director of the Circle City Adoption Agency."

My heart rate kicked up, and a wave of dizziness rushed over me.

Oh God, not again.

"I'm calling with good news. We've got a prospective birth mom who has chosen your file for a preliminary interview."

"What?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"It's a first step but a big one in your adoption journey. I wanted to call you personally before sending an email so we can settle on a date for the interview that works for you and your husband."

My vision swam as tears filled my eyes. This was it. It was really happening.

"Th-thank you." I barely got the words to form.

"I'll be in touch. Enjoy the rest of your day."

A strangled noise was all I could manage before the phone dropped from my hand, and I collapsed into a sobbing heap in the middle of a public park.

I was vaguely aware of a concerned Ollie tugging at my hand or Tessa's voice calling from a distance.

There was only one thing I could focus on: I was going to be a mom.