8

Breaking Down Walls

Humiliation heats my cheeks as Rick leaves, my proximity to Niko shattering any chances I had of finding a suitor.

I bury my face in my hands as Niko laughs.

"What a dick."

I flick my head up, stunned he finds humor in this. "What the fuck is your problem?"

Niko's eyebrows rise in question before he gives me a reply. "Nothing is my problem. I was trying to—"

"You were trying to what, Nikolaj?" I demand, fury crashing against me.

He isn't the one who looks compromised. I am. He isn't the one needing to marry. I am.

"I was trying to—"

"Trying to what?" I'm too impatient to hear another excuse.

Everything is ruined now. Everything.

It doesn't help my feelings for Niko are tangled together in the midst of it all. I agreed to him pretending to show an interest in me in hopes it would lure in more men, but with his actions last night and this morning and now—fuck!

Desperately, I seek to have him be a part of my life, but I can't interpret the differences between when he is flirting with me for the sake of our plan and when he is being my royal advisor.

A heavy weight presses on me.

I fight against my failure sending me down the same tear-filled spiral. Anger is easier to lean into as I trudge through, voicing the flaws he threw in my face earlier.

"What were you trying to tell me? That I am not good enough? Or that I need to work on myself?" I sneer, standing and reaching for the medicine bag.

Snatching the herbs, I stuff them into my mouth before throwing the bag down and clenching my fists. I scrutinize him as my magic jolts to life.

My breath is visible, and Niko's eyes widen.

My heart crumbles.

I fight against showing how much it hurts to see, but my voice cracks as I half laugh. "Oh, yes, let us not forget they also wouldn't want to marry me like this!" I gesture to my hands through my anger turned defeat, opening them to emphasize the frost plaguing my kingdom.

Niko studies me, his chest rising and falling.

Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath, reveling in the power.

I sink into it, seeking the familiarity of my magic to comfort me. Basking in that aid, I surrender to the bitter cold soothing me before nullifying itself.

The silence in the room is an added blessing, which assists me in calming the blizzard raging within.

When I open my eyes, the visible breath is no more.

Niko's amber eyes, still wide, study me, even as I lower my hands with exhaustion.

Just break my heart already and let me be.

I ask again through my blurred vision, "So what else are you trying to say, Nikolaj?"

My ferocity falls away underneath his stare.

The muscles in his jaw tics as he breaks contact, the side of his face dancing with light from the fire.

Tension increases my heartbeat, as I brace for his rejection to finally be voiced.

But Niko rushes for me, his hands gripping the sides of my face, lips meeting mine.

My heart leaps out of my chest.

Nothing and no one is here in this beautiful moment but us. I've always dreamed my first kiss would be with Niko, the man I've loved for years. But it is nothing like I had imagined. It is nothing like the almost touch from earlier. Rather, it is fervent, and I meet his lips in response.

Grabbing the nape of his neck, I tug his red hair slightly.

I drive my anger, exhaustion, and entire heart into our kiss.

His tongue clashes with mine, becoming needy, and it drives me wild.

He breaks away, his chest panting as his voice lets out a low rumble. "You drive me crazy, Tee. I am lost when it comes to you."

"Don't lie to me."

"I am not lying to you," he promises against my skin as each graze of his mouth drifts lower and lower down my neck.

He bites onto the base where my neck meets my shoulder, my hips grinding into his in response.

My head falls in ecstasy at his bite, and I want his body to meet mine.

"I've always cared about you, Tee. And I've always wanted you," Niko says.

I forget to breathe, and I clench my thighs as he drags his lips up my neck. I grab his shirt, untucking it to touch his bare skin. I scratch his lower back as I pinch and squeeze, pulling his body to me.

He lunges into the kiss, forcing a moan to escape me. His mouth moves from mine, trailing more kisses down the side of my neck.

"I was jealous when I saw you dancing with that other man," he confesses through each kiss. "It drove me crazy because I knew, just by looking at the two of you, that you were considering him."

I try to comprehend his admission, but selfishly, I nibble the side of his ear, eager for any bit of him I can have in case the world comes crashing down.

He lowers to kiss my chest, his fingers tracing down the length of my spine.

Our eyes meet, his full of desire and hunger.

"And then I fucked it up," he says.

The silence hangs thickly between us, and he does not wait long before lowering to the floor, his fingers digging into my ass.

He leans in, inhaling my scent between my legs and looking back up. His gaze melts my body, and I can't stop myself from admiring him on his knees before me.

He swallows thickly, his smooth, baritone voice lined with regret. "I should have never said what I said this morning. I should have never denied my jealousy."

My nerves ease at his words, especially as he runs his hands up and down the sides of my gown.

But through the apology in his eyes, a slight peak of irritation rises when he continues, "You drive me insane. And I am so sorry, Tee." He removes himself completely, his hands falling to rest on his thighs.

Niko lines each word with desire and lust. "I want you. I need you and only you, please."

"Why did you never tell me?"

My voice cracks.

He rubs his sides nervously, with something like shame shrinking his shoulders inwardly.

My heart hammers, wanting his answer, but I sense him fighting against telling me.

Carefully, I lower to my own knees, grateful I can even do so with the minimal dulling of my cramps. I reach for his hands, holding them before guiding his chin to meet my gaze.

His amber eyes are lined with tears.

I rest my palm on his cheek as he blurts, "Because I never thought you'd see me like that. You are royalty, Tee. I've wanted to be yours since I was tasked with being your guard. Why do you think I kept checking in on you and helping you? It wasn't because I wanted to be promoted and granted the title of Lord. I-I couldn't stay away from you."

I lower my head, thinking back to when life was different. Where I wasn't fighting grief, where, each day, I would compose a new song and where I was surrounded and embraced by those I love.

But I am still being embraced with love. Through Niko.

"You want to be with me?"

I still disbelieve that this is real.

He holds my face as his eyes peer into mine. "Of course I do, Tee. I have fought my feelings for as long as I have known you. I crave your company, your attention, your touch, your everything. I'm fucked with jealousy over you. And I know I am fucked up for trying to hurt you alongside hurting others who draw your interest. But I am a selfish man, Tee. I only want you."

"Is that your attempt at an apology for stringing me along this long?"

He laughs and leans in to give me a chaste kiss.

I return it hungrily, loving his stubble scratching me.

Straddling him, I grind my hips, letting the friction drive me mad. It's one thing to have our pelvises touching, it's another when our entire bodies mold to one another with each movement.

My body takes complete control, my lips racing to meet his and craving his touch everywhere imaginable. My heartbeat races as our bodies compose their own melody.

Our mouths intertwine, present and alive in this moment.

This pure, blissful moment.

I can't help the titter escaping my lips as we kiss.

Niko notices and slows the kissing to being soft, languid as if he wants to savor this. His lips perk up as well through each touch, and I can't help a true laugh from escaping me.

It's extremely embarrassing.

His face moves at the sound, and my lips tuck into themselves as I turn bashful. He leans forward and rubs his nose along mine as another laugh escapes from him.

The glow of the fire illuminates his skin and teeth so much I am utterly lost in the haze of his beauty.

My cheeks pinch upward as he takes me in with the brightest grin I have seen from him in years.

His laughter quiets, and he pulls me in to rest his forehead against mine. "Tove, Tove, Tove. Please forgive me."

I meet his in kind and close my eyes at the rich woodsy scent of him. "I thought kissing you was enough of a sign."

My quip earns a snort from Niko.

Niko turns sheepish as he wraps his hands around my hips, holding me tightly. He looks into the fire as his throat bobs.

"Do you remember when I told you every eligible male wants to marry you?" he asks.

I have to think of the conversation where he told me this, and I only remember the never-ending list of preparations and meetings I have attended as of late.

My mind goes blank, and I shrug, shaking my head.

Niko bites his lip, debating speaking again.

My arms, draped around his neck, give him a tight squeeze in reassurance.

"I was trying to tell you I, too, am an eligible male," he whispers.

I try to maintain indifference, suppressing my hope.

From whatever expression I have plastered on my face, Niko hurries to add, "It's why I kept bringing up marriage. Not only for the kingdom but to see how you felt or could feel about me."

Niko runs a hand through his auburn hair as a blush creeps along his cheeks. "I know it was a very subtle way of… expressing my feelings, but—Deities, I thought this would be easier to say."

I break away from his words, noting the muffled voices and the lively music. Beyond the door, hundreds of guests are here in attendance, and only a few of them are here for my hand. And Niko is here right now, hinting at the one thing I have wanted for years.

Has our push and pull all been because of fear of rejecting each other? And if it is out in the open now, does he mean what I think he means?

No, Tove. Don't get your hopes up. This is all a farce.

Doubt prickles along my spine, and my hope of happiness dies with it. Heaviness presses on my chest as I withdraw. I can't help but feel as if the Makers are hoping to make another spectacle of me and my heart.

But Niko's grip tightens, and I stop, hesitant to look upon him. If I do, I am afraid I will wake up from this beautifully torturous nightmare.

He tilts my chin up to meet his gaze, something wholesome and warm twinkling around his irises.

I touch his face, his stubble softly prickling me.

He stares into the depths of my eyes. "Tee, my friend, my—"

I am so taken aback by the gentleness of his voice my eyes well. A laugh escapes me. I try to hide it, but Niko forces me to stay in his line of sight.

A tear falls down my cheek as I sniff, trying to get a hold of myself, and he waits for me patiently, smiling.

His eyes have a sheer gloss forming. "Will you give me the rest of our lives?"

My lips tremble as a whimper escapes at the question. Is he… is he asking?

"Will you grant me the greatest honor anyone could ever be given by becoming your forever friend, protector, husband, and king consort?"

I am weightless as my heart skips beat after beat. I've always wanted it to be him, yet I can't believe this is happening.

Tears of joy cascade down my face as I cup his cheeks and kiss him deeply. When I pull away, his amber eyes scan mine as I cry through my happiness.

"Of course, Niko."

He engulfs me and my heart bursts. Niko squeezes my hips, and I shudder in pleasure at the steady grip of him and his presence.

I break the kiss, my forehead resting on his, enjoying this moment I have been hopeful for, not believing it could happen to me.

"When should we make the announcement?" Niko asks, his voice quiet and low.

Inhaling his scent, I soak up the perfect atmosphere, hoping to commit this to memory as I consider the next steps.

I move away and rest my hands atop his shoulders. "Tomorrow." I beam, knowing nothing can take this moment from me.

Niko nods in agreement, then kisses my brow. "Let's say we go enjoy the rest of the evening amongst our people?" he suggests, giving me an option to do my duties or remain here.

Instinctively, I want to stay in this room in hopes of preserving this night, but duty calls. My lips curve upward at the word choice Niko used.

"I think our people would like that very much."

He helps me off his lap, and I adjust my gown, brushing the sides of it to smooth the wrinkles. Niko tugs his vest, making sure to tuck his shirt into his pants before extending his arm.

Niko and I do not part from each other the rest of the evening, save for when I escaped with Betina to tell her the news.

The only moment of loneliness looming over me is now, as I lie in my bed, fingertips tracing my lips in the aftermath of Niko kissing me good night after escorting me to my chambers.

Rolling side to side in bed, I try to diminish the building desire that was left unsatisfied this evening. I stare at the vaulted ceiling, and my thoughts expand tenfold as time drifts by.

My insomnia shines bright tonight.

Politics, grief, and lust take turns swimming to the surface of my thoughts, and as my arousal grows, I cave to my urges by teasing my body for a release. My fingertips trail down my neck in slow, methodical movements, as I imagine Niko's touch instead of my own.

His phantom touch around my hips from earlier draws my hands lower, circling my pebbling nipples.

I pinch one of my breasts at the thought of Niko's breath mingling with mine.

My hips buck as I drift further down my body.

I roam my hands around my lower stomach and coast up and down my thighs in anticipation. When I find my center, I shudder at the wetness.

I rub in a steady rhythm, images of amber eyes studying me drive my hand to move at a faster pace.

I want him here with me now, in this moment, driving into my body, fulfilling each one of my fantasies. I flick my pussy, sending a light flicker of frost from my fingertips to breeze along my clit.

The switch in temperature draws a deep, guttural moan from my chest.

My chest rises and falls from the pleasure and magic coming to life. I breathe through the energy of my power, hot and heady but cautious when I feed my powers alongside my arousal.

I could never do this with another, knowing it could backfire on them. But I've mastered this little glimpse of power, allowing me to hate my abilities a little less.

The sensation of cold on my pussy warms, and I flick my clit one more time, inserting one finger, throwing my head back in ecstasy.

I focus on the ceiling as I work myself, the slow buildup sensually teasing me in my lower abdomen.

Niko's image comes to my mind as I insert a second finger, trying to imagine the lustful words he would whisper in my ear. I pinch my nipple then move my hand down to join the other at my center.

The dual stimulation only gets me so far as I buck my hips, wishing wholeheartedly for Niko to be the one doing this to me.

I pinch my center and envision his thickness driving into me. My mind and hands work in sync to the fantasy playing in my head, and I ride my way to a long, needy orgasm.

I relax as I remove my hands, catching my breath as I come down from the high I finally scratched.

A coppery stench drifts to my senses, and my nose pinches.

Sighing at the mess I made, I rise from my bed to examine the magnitude of my disarray.

Pulling the bed sheet off, I crumple it up, dropping it on the ground near my bathing chambers.

I grab a dressing robe and reach for the bells connected to the staff's rooms, alerting them for a bath and a change of sheets.