5

Another Bloody Moon

The sun's rays illuminate through my bedchamber, and as if right on cue, the hum of a good morning comes from my lady-in-waiting and childhood friend, Betina.

Letum damn you.

"It is time to wake up now, Tove," she says.

Squinting through my half-closed eyes, my friend serenades through her morning tasks.

Betina's coiled black hair is plaited at the base of her neck. Her hair rests over her left shoulder, while the swaying of her dress brings out the rich, glowing undertones in her sienna skin. Her graceful appearance beats mine, always looking youthful and showing no signs of aging.

She could easily pass as royalty herself.

And though her height surpasses mine, our love for pastries and wine grants us similar curves.

She comes up, lightly tapping the tops of my feet. "We must get you ready for this evening," she sings in her soprano voice.

I jerk my eyes open, scowling at her mischievous grin.

Betina's family comes from a long line of nobility and was always close to mine. In our youth, she befriended Runa and me. But our relationship amplified when I asked her if she would move into the castle and be my lady-in-waiting.

And in becoming my constant companion, she has basked in my snowstorm, always taking my hand and supporting me through everything. Always ready to help guide me through the void of grief.

I treasure her.

Even as my lady-in-waiting, she lessens my load by coordinating my schedule, bringing me news and paperwork with any pressing issues Niko needs me to address.

But after the wreckage of last night still playing in the back of my mind, I have no care to even contemplate how tonight will fare. Smacking my hands on the sides of the bed, I lean up to rest on my elbows, giving her a pointed stare.

"Two words, Betina. This. Evening," I tell her, flopping on my pillow and grabbing a second one to shield my eyes.

If I could get a few more hours of sleep, maybe my mood will improve.

Her sigh of frustration forces a grin to appear as I hide underneath my pillow. I don't hear her footsteps near my bedside as she whisks the cushion out from under me.

As she hovers above me, annoyance brims in the depths of her chestnut eyes.

"Tove."

I give it right back to her, asserting my leadership. "Betina."

We remain unmoving in our stare down, waiting to see who will break first. I really want to sleep and not undergo long hours of getting ready and discussing my… options. I met a few nobles last night, but none took to me as much as Niko and the scarred man.

Sweet Makers, please don't make me resort to choosing Ulrik.

Betina's eyes soften, and I know my authority won over. It always does. She lets out a lighthearted laugh, playfully smacking the pillow across my face.

"Fine," she concedes. "Let me bring up some food, at least."

A chuckle escapes as I lift the pillow and coo, "And that's why I love you."

She hums and circles around the bed, passing through the threshold and pausing. "I love you, too."

The creaking sound of the door closing grants me solitude, and I savor these few extra minutes of relaxation. I slump, tossing and turning to seek comfort.

But with the sunlight draping across my bed, it limits the positions I can rest my eyes without its rays beaming in my face.

I roll to my back, staring at the dark canopy of curtain draped over my bed.

My situation diminishes any hope I have of returning to sleep.

Weight presses against my chest, and the desperation to appease everyone has tension rolling down my spine. I need to find a suitor tonight. No matter how badly I wish Niko would take an interest in me…

He is your friend, Tove. He is looking out for you and the kingdom.

I grumble in frustrated defeat. If only it were that easy.

As I try to rise, my lower abdomen spasms, followed by a low rumbling. Great.

I hover my legs over the edge of my bed as I press myself upward. Yet as soon as my feet touch the ground, I shrivel from the twisting in my stomach.

A stream of bile eases up my throat as I brace a hand against the pain. I cover my mouth with my other hand, hoping to keep it down.

Groaning, I knew it was stupid to wish everything would go smoothly this week.

My bleeding is supposed to happen monthly, but it has become sporadic these past few years, creating difficulty in planning for its impending arrival. I am lucky if I get my cycle every three new moons. Thankfully, my first days didn't involve much bleeding. Most of the time, I exhibit light spotting, and it's not even the blood that bothers me.

It's that the start of every cycle brings rigorous pain and nausea.

Every. Single. Time.

Unable to keep the bile down, I scramble to the chamber pot in the bathing room, applying pressure against my stomach. The cramping increases with each step.

I could alert a staff member for assistance and medicine through the string of bells, designed for a method of communication, but I barely make it in the privy before collapsing on the cold ground.

Reaching for the chamber pot, I empty my insides, and exhaustion weighs on me.

Ugh.

The chill of the marbled floor beneath grants me a brief reprieve before I proceed with emptying my stomach. Again.

Fuck, everything hurts.

The back of my eyes, my head, and Sweet Makers, my throat.

The invasion of nausea subsides, and I try to gather strength to move, but fatigue has the world spinning. Cold sweat beads down the sides of my face as I lay on my side, hugging my knees to my chest, my cheek resting against the tiled floor.

I can lie here until my energy comes back. Maybe at least till some of the pain is more manageable.

My eyes are heavy from exhaustion when the hinges on a door squeak.

That must be Betina.

Too exhausted to speak, I focus on her movements, the sound of her placing a platter on my vanity near my bathing chamber distracting my thoughts.

"Breakfast is on your vanity!" She shouts into the quiet of my bedchamber.

A few seconds pass, and her worried tone yanks me back to reality. "Tove?"

Voice scratchy, I call back, "In here."

Pain erupts, and it takes everything in me to not scream.

It's just a monthly bleeding, Tove. It'll be fine. You'll be fine. Everything will be fine.

Footsteps inch closer to the bathing chamber, and I brace myself for discovery.

"Oh, just wait till you see the dress I picked out for you for tonight's festivit—"

She cuts off with a scream, and I cringe, wincing in pain. Betina's eyes widen as they survey me. She rushes to me and places a hand on my forehead.

"Oh, Sweet Makers, Tove! Are you alright?"

The coldness of her touch has me leaning in as I try to muster words. But my abdomen spasms again, punishing me for trying to relax.

I shrink inwardly when I meet her gaze.

"Let me get some help," she says, rocking on her heels to stand.

"Wait!" I try to blurt after her, but my voice runs dry.

Caution prickles up my spine as seconds pass before the sound of footsteps fills my chambers again. And somehow, I know in my bones it is Niko.

The man I have feelings for—but try to not have feelings for—fills in the doorway, watching me clutch a chamber pot for dear life.

Real smooth, Tove.

Betina hovers beside Niko, apologetically grimacing. "He heard me holler your name."

He glares at her before surveying me, and it takes everything to make it appear like the floor is where I'm meant to be.

When I peer up at Niko, he isn't even looking at me.

He is looking at my chest.

My eyes widen in mortification as the slip I wear is thin and sheer. Agony explodes in my lower stomach when I try to cover myself even more.

Betina squeezes through the opening, kneeling and stroking hair from my face. "Oh, dear, the pain must be bad this time around."

"What do you mean? What is wrong with her?" Niko asks.

It is not any of his business to know the details of my cycle, so I ignore his question.

I grip onto Betina, keeping her deepened umber eyes fixed on me, trying to convey I don't want him to know anything. Especially with last night still hanging over me.

But worry lines Betina's features, and my heart tugs.

I garner my strength to reassure her, struggling to form a cohesive sentence.

Trembling through each word, I tell her, "I just need food and medicine. I'll be fine, Betina."

She combs through my hair, the soothing touch dulling the pain. I close my eyes in gratitude as she wipes the sweat from my brow. Deities, what would I do without her?

Her lips meet my forehead as she whispers, "I'll fetch you some medicine with honey to pair with the food I brought up."

Betina's warmth leaves me, taking the brief relief with her. I contort in pain, not from my monthly bleeding but from my lady-in-waiting leaving me alone with him.

Niko leans against the doorframe. "Is this because you had wine last night?"

I want to protect my heart right now and not think about last night. But anger rolls through me as he crosses his arms, and I can't even mask away my embarrassment as a twist of my insides sends me reeling.

I hiss, "It's not that. It's my cycle."

"Oh," he says into the quiet.

I blink slowly through my breath evening as Niko's eyebrows shoot up. "Oh."

Spouting a laugh, I agree, "Yeah, OH."

I flinch as the gnawing in my ovaries grows from an aching sensation to a punching one. I shrink into myself more, wishing it is enough of a dismissal to Niko.

Instead, his baritone voice comes out in a tender whisper. "What can I do?"

I want to let go of last night, and the damn contractions of my muscles have me admitting more than I would like to. Playing tough, I fight against my heart for wanting to let him off easy.

"Don't worry about it. I can manage," I grit out.

He lowers, his hands moving underneath my body.

I remove a hand from my stomach to push him away, but a spasm of punches rips through me. Tears well in my eyes as I lower them from Niko.

"I'm fine. Just a few minutes and then I will get up," I say, reassuring myself more than him.

He scoots his hands underneath me again.

"What are you doing?" I shriek as my weight shifts from the cold floor of my bathing room into Niko's arms.

"I'm taking matters into my own hands," he says nonchalantly.

"I said I don't need any help!"

I am completely mortified.

Nope. No. Definitely not.

He acts unbothered by my declaration as he stands with me in his arms. "Tee, you can barely remove your hand from your abdomen without crying. The least I can do is help you get to your bed."

"But I am indecent!"

His eyes dart to me, taking in every detail of my body, and arousal runs to the apex of my thighs.

I am not supposed to be feeling this, especially right now. It does not matter how comforting he feels.

"Like that is a good enough excuse," he scoffs.

He cradles me in his arms, walking us through the doorway to my cluttered room. Since Betina had no chance to attend to my mess, last night's attire is still scattered across the floor.

I hide my shame only for a hint of sandalwood to embrace me.

Niko approaches the side of my bed, lowering me on the mattress.

My attention focuses on his hands gliding out from under me. How they graze underneath my ass cheek.

Sweet Makers, what it would feel like to have those hands spread me.

I study him as he pulls the sheets over my body. Desire itches against my legs, and I clench my thighs tight, trying to dismiss the thoughts.

His face is so close to mine, and tenderness swirls across his features.

"Better?" he asks.

Fuck, does he melt away my fury. Gulping, I nod sheepishly.

"Good." He grins, and my heart skips.

The upturn of his lips brings one to my own as he double-checks my bedding, ensuring it cocoons me.

I reach for him. I don't want him to leave.

"Would you stay with me?" I ask, squeezing his hand once.

He arches his brow, pressing his lips in hesitation.

Remembering last night's rejection, I clarify, "Just until Betina comes back?"

Niko's eyes gleam as he streaks a hand through his wavy red hair. Looking between me and the door, he slackens his posture.

But a grin graces his features as he says, "Let me go to the other side."

His long legs help him ease onto the bed, and he lies atop the covers and scoots toward me. Niko's shoulder touches mine while I focus on holding my insides as they war with themselves.

We lie there in silence.

A loud exhale comes from Niko, and I face him, taking in his proximity and the tic in his squared jaw. "Should we announce you are not attending tonight's festivities?"

His question gives me pause.

If we do, it limits my time and options and could drive my people further into justifying their nickname for me. Suffering through the pain to prove them wrong and find someone is the least I can do.

"I don't think we should. I need to show some consistency, especially with all the shit I've pulled."

Niko rolls toward me and tucks a piece of my silver hair behind my ear.

My heart thuds loud against my chest when Niko's hand doesn't leave.

"I am proud of you, Tee."

My blood warms, and I lean into his palm. "For what?"

"It's just—it's an honor to serve you."

"Niko—"

I quiet when his lips caress my forehead.

Warmth expands, heating my cheeks, and I hate that I am blushing. But adoration forms on my face, the resentment from last night lessening even more now.

As if he, too, knows this, he beams.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Anything for you, Tee. But the second you start showing signs of pain at the party, I am kicking everyone out."

I chuckle before another spasm explodes, hissing while holding myself for a few minutes, looking guiltily at him.

"Rest." He peels away to lie on his back. "You'll feel better when you wake up," he whispers as my eyes droop, trying to match his breath.

I lean toward the corner of his shoulder, soaking in the contact of having him nearby. My body slowly unwinds as I replay the words in my mind.

You'll feel better when you wake up.

The wind picks up, threatening to dry my tears. When I make it to the plains outside of our home, I veer right, passing the Queen's Road, hoping to reach the lake near the border of our lands.

If I can get far enough and put distance between myself and the others—I'll try to think of what comes after that.

An ache pulses against my chest as I pound my feet hard into the ground, and a whoosh of relief courses through me as water comes into view.

My feet throb when I stop running, and I hunch over, bracing myself against my knees. I study my boots in a stupor as snowflakes trickle out from where I stand, bleeding into the grass, drowning it in frost.

Blinking again in disbelief, I swallow and attempt to even my breathing.

I can't help but stare in awe.

I've never seen anything like this.

The frost amplifies into ice, stretching toward the lake.

I follow the weather, watching it solidify the water. Curiosity drives me forward, testing the lake's structure, and I chuckle at the ease of each foot moving in front of the other to the center.

A chill creeps into my bones, a peace tugging at my heart as bitterness envelops me.

My muscles relax as magic coaxes frost from my body, creating a blizzard around me and my surroundings. I surrender to the cold, closing my eyes and embracing the magnitude of winter as power surges outward.

The sheer relief of winter's kiss expelling forth from my hands and feet brings a faint twinkle of a smile to my—

CRACK!

I jolt.

Scream after scream escapes when hands wrap around me, shaking me and pressing me hard into the ice.

A voice calls.

I can't meet it.

I need to break free from whatever is holding me. I need to follow where the crackle of ice came from.

If I am pulled from this, I will lose it all.

I can't lose it all! I can't!

I flail my arms as my screams increase in volume, fighting and seeking to escape the unknown force pushing me down.

"No! I can't leave!" I shout.

Light floods my vision.

I blink at the doubled-in-size orange-gold eyes staring at me. Nose to nose in front of me is Niko. He clutches my sides, tight enough that his rigid fingernails dig into my skin.

My heart constricts underneath his worried gaze.

A defeated scream leaves my throat, and I cover my tear-filled eyes.

It's not real… This is not real…

The dream disintegrates, and I beg myself to forget the details.

But failure, an ongoing and never-ending ache, presses against my chest.

I have failed. So. Many. Times.

Is there ever a day that I will not be haunted by my mistakes?

I just want the pain to stop. I need it all to stop.

You will be seeking penance for the rest of your life, Tove.

My breathing stutters as the thought wedges itself deep in the back of my mind, and I cry harder.

Arms pull me to a hard chest. Niko.

He cradles my head, rocking me as I fist his tunic. "Shhh. You're fine," Niko soothes into my hair.

I am not fine, but I need to calm down. Yes, calm down first and then—then what?

Deities, I am stressed.

"No," I say, trying to push him away, but I am barricaded in his arms. As I wipe my tears and try to calm my nerves, I only sob more. "I-I'm so tired of this."

I am so tired of the grief, the pain, and the failure. They are constant companions mixed in with my spontaneous bleeding cycle, finding a husband, trying to make my people happy, and the ongoing nightmares.

Niko tugs me to him as I surrender to the pain and grief. Clutching his taupe shirt and drenching it with my tears, I hope gripping onto something real will diminish the dream as well as the despair. The echoing sound of my cries fills my bedchamber like a festering wound.

I can't escape this ongoing nightmare. I fear I never will.

Niko runs his hands through my hair, his arms sheltering me from the world. It feels like hours have passed before I can focus on my breathing as the different tandem of Niko's heart calms me, distracts me.

My emotions still weigh heavy on my heart, but duty has pressed itself back to the forefront of my mind. I need to keep going. I need to do right by my people. I need to do right by them.

Niko grabs my chin. "Tee, I think we should cancel trying to find a suitor."

I hate the pity in his eyes as he assesses me. I can't have him lose faith in me, too.

"We can't cancel," I say carefully, fighting for resolve.

He leans against the headboard, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I should have known this was going to be too much." Niko lets out a long and exaggerated sigh.

"It is not too much!" I can do this—I have to do this. "I need to find a husband to help my reputation with my people."

"You aren't going to find a husband if you keep acting like this!"

He flails his arms, lashing out and smacking his hands against the side of the bed. Anger molds across his eyes, his brows, and the vein pulsing on the side of his neck.

I lurch back in shock from the bark behind his words, clutching my chest as if an arrow plunged into my heart.

Niko has never lashed out before. And for him to say those words—he must be losing faith in me. He is probably also exhausted with everything I've thrown at him as he's helped me run my kingdom.

Have I taken his role for granted? Have I blurred the lines between friendship and duty, even the flirtation we've shared to the point that it has altered something for us?

For me? For him?

"Shit, Tee, I didn't mean—"

I raise my hand to silence him.

I withdraw, processing the pity and resentment he holds against me. I squeeze my eyes shut, struggling to bury my emotions.

But the harsh truth of my situation lies bare between us.

I know my grief is bad, but… I thought I was doing better. Clearly, I have been manipulating those closest to me, dragging them along with my grief and draining the joy out of their life, all because I don't have joy in mine anymore.

Niko's words repeat in circles, cutting through me like a knife.

I fight myself repeatedly to not let anyone in. But my hopeful heart clung to Niko like a lifeline, and I should have realized this entire time he wasn't a lifeline…

He, too, was only another grave I will eventually mourn over.

A deeper, jagged rooting of heartbreak seeps in, eternal loneliness looming over me.

No one wants to be around someone with this magnitude of grief, and I should never have convinced myself it was alright to lean on others.

The disdain in Niko's voice is evidence enough that even those I have fallen for and trust will eventually reveal their true sentiments.

I tremble with frustration at my own stupidity for hoping he might share the same feelings. Casting aside the adoration, affection, and friendship I have for the man before me, I plunge my entire self into the monster I am.

I speak with lethal calm, knowing what I must do. "We will not cancel or postpone any of the festivities, Nikolaj. Now, please leave." I fight through my monthly bleeding pain, fueling it into anger.

He looks as if I slapped him. Niko reaches for me. "I think you should reconsider, Tee—"

"I don't care what you think, Nikolaj!"

He flinches.

I don't care. I can't allow myself to care. I must push him away if I am to save him.

He tries to speak, but the ice inside of me is awake and growing.

The Snow Queen is here.

I mirror the disgust he's holding on to his face. "I will not reconsider, Nikolaj."

Clinging to the fury, I use the torment of his words to fuel my wretchedness. Even though heaviness seeps into my chest, rage isn't hot in my blood. It's frost.

The chilling caress at the top of my spine is gladly welcomed, as is the frigid winter washing over me.

Niko gapes at my breath turning visible.

My tear-stricken eyes strain to focus on him, but I lean into rage rather than despair. I have never been one to display fury around others, but I enforce it now as my gaze pierces through him with coldness.

"As you have so kindly reminded me, time and time again, I need to do this for the kingdom. I need to find someone to marry, and it's like you said."

He eyes me silently, aware of the visible breath escaping from my lips.

"Any man I choose will be honored I chose him," I say as I fight against the spasm exploding in my stomach.

I stare at Niko, seeing the hint of fear and disgust behind his eyes. I lean in, venom lacing each syllable, driving the statement home.

"Because I am a fucking queen."

He is completely still, the person standing before him, someone he, too, has never seen.

Good.

I point to the exit, breathing deep and fighting against feeding my power what it wants. "And no matter how much I might have wanted it to be you, it won't be. Now, leave."

We stare each other down, my heart pulsing in tandem with either my magic or loneliness, but ruination lurks over me.

Niko studies me for a few pauses, looking as if he wants to say something, but I keep my finger pointed at the door.

He rises—leaving my room without even looking back.

I remain glued to my place, listening for his footsteps to recede before dropping my hand. Kneeling over, I clutch my stomach in agony, my power flickering away from the full force of pain radiating throughout my body.

I crumple to the floor, my head falling forward on my bed as more tears dampen my sheets. I fight against prying apart Niko's words, trying to convince myself he didn't mean what he said. Maybe I needed to hear him say those things, needed to put to rest the feelings I have for him and do my duty.

It doesn't make me feel any better that I lashed right back.

Betina's sweet voice enters the room. "Tove?"

My beautiful friend holds a tray of medicine. As she sees my pained face, a choked whimper escapes me, and heartbreak returns, knowing I should push Betina away, too.

"Oh, Tove."

Her voice cracks as she hurries to me, holding me close.

She helps me into bed before giving me medicine.

Betina holds my hand, a quiet force of support I am unworthy of.

I finally work up enough courage to tell Betina everything said between Niko and me, my heart breaking again when I apologize for dragging her into my problems.

She leans over, hugging me tightly. "Friends help each other on their good days and their dark days, Tove."

My lip quivers. "Thank you."

She pulls away, with a shift in her entire demeanor.

I cock my head in confusion.

A smirk appears as she rests her hands against her hips. "Now, let's ensure every person in attendance tonight recognizes the honor of being in your presence."

I shake my head as she leaves to help with preparations for tonight and to ensure Niko keeps his distance before the party.

With the pain dulling, I pray once more to the Makers I will be able to live up to my word and muster enough confidence to get through tonight's ball.