29. Charlie

CHAPTER 29

Charlie

" Y ou made all of these?" Nix asked, looking mightily impressed as he perused my shelf full of handmade obsidian arrowheads and blades. "All of them?"

"Yeah. It's kind of a hobby, I guess. Flint knapping… I don't know. It sort of helps me quiet my brain. When I'm working on the stone, the rest of my mind is silent. I can just… exist instead of being anxious." I shook my head. "That probably sounds stupid…"

"It doesn't." He picked up one of my larger obsidian blades. "I'm the same when I'm writing. I just plug in my headphones and get lost in my own story." He held up the blade. "When did you get into this?"

"After I got home from the hospital." I pulled my knees to my chest, feeling embarrassed about my reasons. "I… I missed that opal arrowhead you gave me. I thought I lost it. And then I remembered how much time we spent looking for all of those arrowheads and I just… missed you ."

He gestured to the wall of projects I'd completed. "You missed me this much ? "

I nodded. "Yeah… I guess so."

Fuck I felt stupid. But the moment that smile filled his face, my insecurities left me. When he looked at me like that, I could think of nothing else but those green eyes and the way his lips felt against mine.

"Are you working on anything new?" I asked, changing the subject before I got too dewy eyed. "Another book, I mean."

He heaved a great sigh. "I'm trying. The publisher wants another as soon as possible, but… I don't know. I'm just not feeling it."

"Not feeling romantic anymore?" I teased.

He glanced down as his still half hard cock. He's been walking around the room totally naked this far. "What do you think?"

"Okay then," I chuckled. "So, what's holding you back?"

"I think it's the pressure."

I waited patiently for him to continue, giving him time to gather his thoughts.

"My very first book was an international best seller. I got an advance most people only dream of and royalties on the way. Everyone loves it and they want more from me. I want to give it to them. I really do… but…"

"But what?"

"What if it's not good?" he asked, his brows drawn together in concern. "What if I write another book and everyone is disappointed? What if they hate it? What if they sit in their houses and wonder how I ever pulled it off in the first place?" He was quiet for a moment. "What if they think I'm a fraud?"

"Do you really think they're gonna publish it if it's that bad? "

"I don't know," he grumbled, coming back to the bed and plopping down on the edge. "Sometimes I just wonder if I'm nothing more than a flash in the pan. Like if this is the only thing of value I'll ever do and then I just have to spend the rest of my life doing… nothing ."

Considering I'd hoped he'd spend at least a bit of his life with me, that last word hit me hard. But I pushed it down, knowing that's probably not how he meant it. At least I hoped he didn't.

"I have faith in you," I said, crawling over to him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders from behind. "You used to make up all sorts of wonderful stories when we were kids. I have no doubt you can do more."

"I guess. But who knows if they'll ever sell again."

"Do you need them to?"

He looked up at me, his brows furrowed.

"You just sold a single book for half a million dollars. What do you need to sell another one for?"

"Boston isn't a cheap place to live," he sighed. "Nowhere is these days, but Boston especially. If I wanted to get a house there, it would probably cost me most of that just to get a decent one in the city. Maybe more."

The thought of him buying a house in Boston made my stomach twist into a knot. I didn't want Nix to live there. And I definitely didn't see myself moving there. The sounds and people in a small mountain town were already nearly too much for me to bear. Living in a big city that never slept would drive me into an early grave. I couldn't fathom the amount of medication I'd need just to survive a week there, much less the rest of my life.

But that was also the reality of the situation, wasn't it? I'd called Nix back to Creekside for a visit because I knew his life was in Boston. He had to be close to the big publishers in New York if he wanted his author career to flourish. I wouldn't take that away from him, not after he'd worked so hard to get it.

"Then I guess you'll just have to write another book," I replied at last. "And I know it'll be great. You've always been good and this amount of success at such a young age shows you have real talent. People don't just become famous authors at twenty-four for no good reason."

He leaned back, his head resting on my shoulder. "You really think I can do it?"

"I know you can."

"Thanks."

I kissed the side of his neck. "So… are we gonna have sex again or do you want to order some food? We never got to eat our lunch."

"Why not both?" he grinned, his finger curling around mine. "We can order and while we wait for the food, we can do whatever you want."

"You're not too sore?"

He just laughed. "Are you kidding? If I can deal with Tony's insatiable needs, you'll be just fine."

I hated hearing him talk about Tony like that. It caused something tight to grip my chest. I assumed it was jealousy, but there was also a sense of betrayal. Like Nix had done something to personally wrong me. I pushed it away because it was, frankly, ridiculous. I was the one that pushed him away. If anyone deserved to feel betrayed, it was Nix.

"Am… Am I any good?" I asked, the question leaving my lips before I could stop myself. "I mean… I know you and Tony must have had fun. But… I'm so new to this and I don't know what I'm doing. "

"Charlie," he said, turning around and grabbing both sides of my face. "You did wonderfully. I promise."

"Really?"

"Really."

"And… uh… you don't want to go back to him?"

Nix stared at me with a confused expression. "I stopped having sex with him months ago," he said. "Why would I want to go back?"

"I don't know." The anxiety was creeping back into my system, driving my mouth forward. "I just know that he's attractive and available and willing. And I'm so… broken ."

"You're not broken, Charlie."

"Yes I am, Nix," I replied sternly, leaving no room for argument. "I'm an anxious mess all the time. I have panic attacks weekly and some of them are so bad that I nearly pass out. Everyone thinks I'm weird and standoffish. They're right of course. Even Patrick–"

"Pfft," Nix scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Who gives a shit about Patrick?"

"I do."

Nix just stared at me.

"He's a friend," I said. "The only one I've had for a long time." He opened his mouth to retort, but I held up a hand. "I'm not saying you did a bad job, because it wasn't your fault I pushed you away. But Patrick was the only person I talked to for a really long time. Even then, I barely said anything to him. Besides you and him, I don't have any other friends."

"Well, all that is about to change," Nix smiled. "My family will want to see you again and maybe you and Tony can be friends too."

I made a face, scrunching up my nose, but he just laughed .

"I mean it! You two have more in common than you think." He reached up, bopping my nose with his index finger. "And I'm sure everyone back in Boston will want to meet you. Readers might want to meet you too. After all, the book is about you, right?"

I put my hands in my lap, feeling them suddenly begin to shake at the thought of all those people flooding into my life. My skin went cold and tension filled my body. Having all those people around meant a lot of events, planes, cars, noise, and socializing. Just the thought of it made me want to curl up in the back of my closet and shut the door, locking everyone else out. I couldn't handle all that. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

But when I looked up and saw that big smile on Nix's face, I couldn't tell him that. Instead, I just said, "Right. That would be… cool."