14. Charlie

CHAPTER 14

Charlie

I had to cash the check in person and that posed a serious problem.

After I'd settled my mother's estate, her life insurance policy had kicked in. I was surprised to find out she'd taken out such a large policy, but it was a godsend in my darkest days when leaving the house was impossible. Instead of paying me out in one giant lump sum though, I opted for monthly payments for the next ten years. I figured that would give me time to get my life in order and figured out how to deal with the outside world again.

That was six years ago, and I was still terrified to leave the house most days.

Today the check had come in the mail today, on a Friday like it always did. And that was great because all my bills were on autopay and would be coming out the following Monday. That meant I could mobile deposit the check and rest assured that it would clear before payments started going out .

But the app was down for maintenance and all mobile deposits had been turned off. My heart sank when I realized that I would have to go to the bank, in person , to cash the check. Of course, I would've used the ATM, but I didn't drive, and it was only in the drive-thru. Going inside was my only choice, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

It took me a good hour to mentally prepare for my outing. First, I had to make sure I was wearing the right clothes. Usually, I picked a hoodie and jeans, something neutral and plain to make sure people didn't notice me as I walked the full mile and a half to the bank. I put a single pill in my pocket just in case I began to have a meltdown. I'd been warned that they were highly addictive and to only use them in the worst of emergencies. In the past six years I'd only taken a dozen. But the times I had, they were very needed.

The last two pieces, and probably the most important, were my sunglasses and my headphones. Both of them served to block out intense stimuli from the outside world. Before the crash, I'd never noticed how blinding the sun was or how deafening the sounds of town were. How I'd ever managed to ignore them was beyond me. And now I did everything I could to block them out. In fact, if I could help it, I only ever went out after midnight when the rest of the world was asleep. Only then could I walk around and actually feel some modicum of peace.

However, that's when the memories attacked me. Needless to say, I did everything I could to remain in my house and was distracted by my computer. Only when my brain was fully consumed by the task at hand, could I forget all the things I'd lost and all the things I'd left behind.

Life in Creekside these days was barely a shade above tolerable. But it was all I had, and I'd come to the conclusion a long time ago that dying was something I wanted to commit to. So, the only thing I could do was soldier on and do the best I could. At least that's what my psychiatrist told me. Sometimes I wondered if those appointments were doing me any good anymore.

But those thoughts could wait. Right now, I needed to go to the bank, before they closed, so I didn't have to deal with a bunch of overdraft fees and phone calls. If there was one thing I hated more than going outside, it was phone calls.

So, putting on my headphones and flipping on the lo-fi tunes, I stepped outside my front door for the first time in two weeks. I blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust through the sunglasses. Even through the headphones I could hear the sounds of the road and the passing cars. Tapping each of the fingers on my left hand with my thumb, I told myself everything was going to be fine. It was just a nice leisurely walk in the spring air. In fact, it was probably good for me, right?

I made my way down the path to the sidewalk, glancing at the SUV still sitting in the driveway. The insurance company had brought it over after the crash to replace the one that got totaled. But I couldn't bring myself to drive a car. Maybe ever again. I didn't trust them. So, for six years, it sat there collecting dust. I'd had someone come over to put it on cinder blocks because the tires kept going flat. And there it sat, deflated tires hanging limply off the rims as they rotted in the sun.

Forcing myself to focus on the ground in front of me, I turned onto the sidewalk and started toward the historic section of downtown. Well, it was the only downtown, but everyone liked to refer to it as historic. The truth was, Creekside wasn't much of a town at all. In the past few years, we'd gotten a couple of fast food places and the grocery store built on an addition. But beyond that, we were just a blink for tourists traveling through the mountains on their way to Eugene or Portland. There wasn't a lot to do in such a small town and no real scenic stops to visit. And that was just fine with me. The fewer people in Creekside, the better.

I'd gone only a block when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. Glancing up I saw Mrs. McKean standing on her front porch, waving to me with a bright smile on her face. My chest tightened and I hoped she wouldn't run me down and talk to me again. She had a tendency to do that. I raised a hand in return, doing my best not to grimace as she stepped off her front porch and headed my way.

Apparently today was not going to be peaceful.

"Hey Charlie," she said, her voice high and forcefully bright. She'd taken on that tone with me over the past few years. Maybe she thought it was happy or cheerful. To me it just sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"Hi Mrs. McKean," I said, pulling one side of the headphones off.

"Out on a walk?"

"Errands. Going to the bank."

"What a coincidence," she replied, a big smile on her face as she hitched her red leather purse up on her shoulder. "That's just where I was going. Mind if I join you?"

"Uh…"

"Good."

Her arm linked through mine and she began to drag me down the sidewalk. I was taken aback by her forcefulness. Even on a bad day she was never this rough with me.

"You know I worry about you, Charlie," she began, just like she always did. "You were always such an outdoorsy kid and now you hardly leave the house. Sometimes I find myself walking by or looking out the window just to make sure the lights come on at night. "

"I'm fine," I replied, not really wanting to talk. "I like being inside."

"I know that, honey. But you gotta get some sun once in a while. It's good for you!"

"Uh-huh." I nodded along, knowing it was best to just let her run through whatever spiel she'd prepared for me. It wasn't like I could stop her, anyway.

"I know I'm not your mother, but I think of you as a son." She glanced up at me, giving me a warm smile. "I hope you know that."

Another nod. "I do."

"Are you getting along alright? Everything going okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"How's the job hunt?"

She'd been asking me that for years. For some reason, she was very intent on getting me out of the house, as if a daily trip into town to work at a job I hated would somehow cure all my anxiety in a heartbeat.

"I've picked up a few odd jobs here and there doing coding work. It's enough to get by."

"More indoor stuff?"

I nodded.

"Well, I suppose that's good. It doesn't help you get out and make friends though, does it?"

It wasn't a question, but an observation. If Laura McKean wasn't trying to get me a job, she was trying to get me to make friends. The amount of times she'd suggested a club, or the bowling league, or even the local knitter's legion was ridiculous. She really wanted me to be social. But I didn't even like being social before the crash and I sure as hell didn't want to do it now. I didn't even want to talk to her . She wouldn't hear of it though. My attempts to cut off the outside world might've worked on Ted and Phoenix, but they had absolutely zero effect on Mrs. McKean.

"I'm happy with the way things are," I said at last.

"Honey…" she said, looking up at me. "No offense, but you haven't been happy since your… since she…"

She couldn't say the words no matter how much she tried. Nobody could. Not to me anyway. And for that I was thankful. The crash was the last thing in the entire world I wanted to talk about.

"Anyway," she continued. "I just worry about you. I want you to make friends and maybe even find love one day." She glanced up at me again, a discerning look in her eye. "I can't help but wonder if you and Patrick…"

"He's just my landscaper," I replied, shaking my head. "Nothing else."

"Ah."

Patrick was probably the closest thing to a friend I had in all the world. He came over weekly to care for the lawn and the plants around the house. At first, he was doing it because the McKeans had hired him while I was in the hospital. But once I got back, I found it sort of nice to have him around. In the years since high school, he'd come out to his family and skipped going to college to play football. Instead, he started working for his uncle's landscaping company and eventually started his own. Once he got himself settled and figured out who he was, it was surprisingly easy to get along with him.

Of course, he was a bit louder and more boisterous than I'd like in a friend. Being an ex-football player had that effect on people. But he was kind and thoughtful of my needs. Unlike everyone else that thought I should just get over my panic attacks, Patrick just allowed me to be who I was, anxiety and all. He didn't treat me like I was faking it, but like I was just another normal person with a few minor eccentricities.

He was the only friend I had in the world anymore.

"I'll confess, I don't actually have any errands to run," Mrs. McKean said as we started into the downtown area. "I wanted to talk to you about something else."

I looked down at her, lifting an eyebrow.

"Nothing bad," she said, patting my arm. "I just wanted to let you know that Phoenix is coming to visit."

I stopped dead in my tracks, my stomach twisting into a tight knot.

"Nix is… coming here ?" I asked, my mouth hanging open. "To Creekside?"

"Of course!" She gave me a big wide smile. "I'm sure you heard about his book doing so well?"

Who the hell hadn't? Phoenix McKean had been at the top of every bestseller list for weeks. He was a goddamn sensation sweeping the country. I'd already heard rumors about movie deals for his book. His romance book.

I knew Nix liked love stories. He'd always been into those. But with the amount of daydreaming he did when we were kids about magic, dragons, and knights, I figured he would have written a fantasy book. Then again, he could've written a thriller or a mystery and I wouldn't have been surprised either. But romance ? I never thought he'd actually finish one of those. They always seemed to give him the most trouble.

Then again, six years could change a man. I had no idea who he was now or what kind of life he lived. He could walk into my living room and I might not even recognize him. My stomach twisted again at the thought of Nix standing in my living room. What would he say when he saw what I'd become?

"I thought maybe you two could get together–"

"No," I snapped, a bit more forcefully than I intended. Guilt clawed at my chest as I saw Mrs. McKean's face fall. I took a breath. "I mean… no. I don't want to see him. N-Not now. Not like this."

"Honey… he's not going to care about all that. I'm sure he misses you."

"No," I reiterated, keeping my voice even this time. "I don't want that. I'm sure he doesn't either."

Mrs. McKean gave me a look that said, ‘ the both of you are being fucking stupid '. But to her credit, those weren't the words that came out of her mouth.

"If you say so, dear. But he's only going to be in town for a couple of days. He's not sure when just yet. I guess he's on a book signing tour or something fancy like that. They gave him his own travel bus and everything! He said he's coming to the west coast at some point and will stop by."

Phoenix traveling around the country and signing books for his ravenous fans? It sounded like all his wildest dreams had come true. He was out of Creekside, immensely popular, and traveling everywhere without settling down. That was the Nix I knew, the same one that told me he hated Creekside and couldn't wait to be free of it.

"I have a copy for you," Mrs. McKean said, fishing around in her purse before pulling out a rumpled hardcover book. She put it in my hands before I could turn her down. "I figured you'd want one since he's your best friend and all."

I didn't dare argue with her or tell her that Nix was not my friend anymore.

"Thanks."

She patted me on the arm. "It's no problem, honey." She turned back the direction we'd come. "I'll leave you to your errands. But you should give that book a read." I could see a glint in her eye that I couldn't quite pin down. "I think you'd really like it."

"Thanks."

"Bye-bye!"

She waved a perfectly manicured hand and headed back toward the residential part of town. I glanced down at the book, turning it over and examining the baby blue cover. It had a half-naked man on the front, his thin shirt thrown wide by an invisible wind. Behind him were mountains and bright blue skies stretching as far as the eye could see. Text scrawled across the bottom of the cover in a loopy font.

Opalescent Dreams by Phoenix McKean

I scoffed and tucked the book into my hoodie pocket. I did not want to read about some sappy romance with people who were disgustingly happy all the time about everything. I avoided those channels and movies like the plague already. Even when they were breaking records and winning awards, I still wouldn't watch them. How could anyone get behind such stupid, unrealistic plots? Perfect lives didn't exist and not all problems could be fixed by a simple kiss. And I was tired of people pretending like love could save them from the horrors of life. It didn't make things better, it just made everything more complicated .

With a sigh, I slipped my headphones back on and stuffed my hands in my pockets, heading for the bank.

The last thing in the world I wanted to do was read Phoenix McKean's stupid love book.