41. Lara

Chapter 4 1

Lara

F rom my spot on the couch, I have a clear view of three things: the romcom currently playing, the bay window overlooking the little alleyway, and 80% of the time-telling devices in the house—the latter are all making me painfully aware it’s 9:00pm, and I haven’t heard a peep from Carter today.

I’m sure he has a valid reason for not being in contact. He’s in Paris on a business trip after all, and it’s not unusual for him to be a little silent whilst he’s away, but it’s Tuesday, AKA our Two Truths and a Lie Day, and he’s never missed one since he instigated it. He has a pretty heavy schedule whilst in Paris—I’d know; I booked most of it—but I can’t help the deflated feeling coming over me.?

Perhaps he ended up having a free night and found a beautiful Parisian woman to spend the evening with. Perhaps I’ll see them in the tabloids tomorrow morning. Perhaps the way he makes me feel when I’m with him isn’t special, it’s how he treats everyone. Perhaps I’m just an idiot.

I’m not quick enough to stop the lone tear from sliding down my cheek. I watch as it lands silently on my thigh, the physical manifestation of my spiralling thoughts. Without warning, the floodgates open, the tears streaking through my makeup at a rapid pace.

The noise of the front door opening sounds worlds away. Not even the fear of being seen like this can break me out of the trance I’ve found myself in. I only look up when white sneakers appear in front of me. Mia stands over me, her face etched with concern. Rather than speaking, she plucks the tissue box from the coffee table and places it in my hand.?

“I’ll be right back,” Mia says after I’ve dabbed at my face within an inch of the tissue’s life. She gives my shoulder a small squeeze before retreating into the kitchen.?

Ten minutes and several tissues later, Mia returns with a bright blue cocktail in each hand.

“I figured we could use these.” Handing me one of the Screaming O drinks, Mia takes a seat beside me, curling her feet up beneath her. She takes a long sip, humming her approval, before turning toward me. With a sad smile, she places a hand on my knee and asks, “What’s going on?”

The small gesture pulls at my heartstrings. Looking up at the ceiling to quell the fresh onslaught of tears, I dab at my lower lash line with a fresh tissue before answering. “I just feel so lost.”?

Mia doesn’t say anything. Instead, she waits for me to continue. I sniffle, folding and unfolding the tissue in my hand. Mia’s hand closes over mine, halting the fidgeting.

“I thought I’d have my life figured out by now, but I’m somehow the complete opposite. I enjoy my job, but it’s not my dream job—I don’t even know if I have a dream job. Or a dream life. Shouldn’t I have it figured out by now? God, younger me would be so disappointed in the lack of progress I’ve made.”

I’m halfway to 28, but somehow I’m less sure of myself than I was at 22. I can’t help but feel as though I’ve let my younger self down by not having achieved certain things by now. Growing up, I always thought I’d be married to the love of my life by this age, living in the home we’d created together over the years, and maybe even with a baby. Now? I’m single, casually sleeping with the perfect guy, and I can’t even say for certain I want children.

Beside me, Mia lets out a small sigh. “Has anyone ever told you you put far too much pressure on yourself?”

I let out a wet laugh. “A couple might have.”

“I’m going to give you a piece of advice. It might come across as harsh, but please know it comes from a place of love.”

It still humours me Mia thinks she needs to preface her advice this way as if she’s ever not straight to the point. Although it’s often a harsh truth, it’s always meant with love. I brace myself, truly unsure where this is about to go.

Mia reaches for my cocktail, placing them both on the table. She grabs my hands in her own and places them on her knees.

“You need to let go of the unrealistic expectations you put on yourself as a child, because you were just that—a child . We had no idea what being an adult was really like when we decided our dreams at seven years old.”

“You should consider a career in psychology.”

“Stop deflecting with humour, this is serious.” Mia smacks our intertwined hands against her knees. “You need to embrace the unknown, my girl. Despite your beliefs, life doesn’t have to be meticulously planned out all the time.”

It’s times like these I’m reminded of how well this girl really knows me. It goes to show time is only a number. Someone who’s known you for less than two years can learn to know you better than someone who’s known you your entire life.?

“We’re still young, Lars. We have so much time. And as for disappointing your younger self, need I remind you that you’ve moved halfway across the world ? You left your comfort zone in the largest way possible, and that shit takes serious courage. Young Lara would be so damn proud of the strong woman she’s become. Your mum is always so proud of you too, don’t forget.”

Great, now I’m crying again.?

I run my hands through my hair and let out a sigh, tears silently streaming down my face. I don’t even want to know how ridiculous I look right now; a splotchy mess for sure.

Mia pulls me into a tight hug. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you further,” she mumbles into my shoulder. I press my wet cheek against the side of her head.

“It’s not you, I’m just an emotional mess right now.” The words are half choked by a laugh.?

“Is the general lost feeling all, or is there something else?” When I don’t immediately respond, Mia pulls back, placing her hands on my shoulders. “Is it Carter?”

I grimace, and Mia’s shoulders drop. “We don’t have to talk about this.”

“Lara, you’re my best friend, and he’s my brother. You are two of the people I care about most, of course I want you to be able to talk to me about him.”

“I don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us. I know how close you guys are, and I’d hate to make that weird.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Lars. I love you both, and I want to know what’s going on. Just do me a favour and spare me the dirty details, please. I barely get by knowing the stockroom situation was actually my brother; anything else and you might send me to an early grave.”?

“So you didn’t tell her about the boardroom?” Harper said, causing Mia and me to jump out of our skin.?

We turn in unison to find Harper standing by the living room doorway, her own Screaming O in hand.?

Mia whirls back in my direction, her blonde ponytail almost taking my eye out. “Boardroom? What about the boardroom?” Before I can determine an appropriate response, Mia’s speaking again. “You know what, don’t answer that. I absolutely do not want to know.” She turns to face Harper once more. “Harps, you suck for bringing that to my attention.”

“Oh please, no details were given.”

“I might be blonde, but I’m not that dim. I can put two and two together and get boardroom.”

Oh, kill me now, please.

I slap a hand to my forehead, dragging my palm down my face.

“Harps, so glad you’re home.” The sarcasm is thick. I pat the small square of unoccupied couch next to me. “Come, sit.”

A grin stretches across Harper’s face as she makes her way over, But the grin fades the moment she gets close enough to see the tear tracks down my face. Harper’s head swivels between Mia and me, searching for information. “What on earth did I miss?”

Together, we proceed to catch Harper up on the evening’s events. By the time we get caught up to the point of her entrance, our glasses are empty.?

“Right, refill time. If I’m about to analyse the feelings one of my best friends has for my brother, I need more alcohol. I think this calls for a round of Homerun Lane’s.”

Mia takes our empty glasses, leaving Harper and me slack-jawed at her reference. The cocktail is aptly named after Maren Moore’s Homerun Proposal, a best-friend’s-brother romance.

After Mia’s left the room, Harper pulls her legs up onto the couch, crossing them beneath her and turning toward me. With hands clasped in her lap, she mirrors an eager preschooler. “ You left one part out—what was it that upset you to the point of tears tonight?”

Oh, just spit it out you baby .?

“At the risk of sounding like a complete fool, Carter didn’t text me today.”

Before I’d even uttered the words, I knew she wouldn’t know how to respond. Not because she thinks I’m a complete fool, but because this is so unlike me.?

Harper leans against the arm of the couch, assessing me, then taps a finger against her lips, contemplating. “First things first, you’re not a fool, and that isn’t a foolish thing. Your feelings are more than valid, okay? Secondly, let’s clarify—the lack of a text from Carter is what got to you today, is that right?”

“That’s what started it.” I slump against my end of the couch, pulling my knees up against my chest. “How did I even end up in this position? I’ve never had an issue with casual sex before; why now? And why him?”

“Before the overthinking takes complete hold of you, let’s talk it all out.”

I groan. “Mia does not want to hear that.”

“What do I not want to hear?” Mia pops her head out from the kitchen, holding a finger to her earlobe.?

“Nothing—”

“Lara talking about your brother?—”

Harper and I speak at the same time, and of course she’s gone with the truth rather than a harmless ‘nothing’.

Mia casts her eyes toward me, narrowing them slightly. “Lara Jane,” she says, taking on a tone eerily reminiscent of my mother, “we’ve been over this already. I’ve had time to process this over the past few months, and I’m okay with it. Happy with it, actually. So long as you?—”

“Don’t talk about the dirty details. I know,” I finish her sentence, knowing exactly what she was about to say.

“So,” Harper begins as Mia returns with our next round of cocktails. “What do you feel when you’re around him?”?

“Way to start off easy, Harps.” From her spot on the adjacent armchair, Mia playfully kicks at the foot Harper is swinging along the carpet.

“I figure it’s best if we go straight to the guts of it,” Harper says matter of factly.

What do you feel when you look at him? Mia’s reaction makes it sound as though it should be a hard question, but it’s quite the opposite.

“Safe.” The word slips out effortlessly as though nothing had ever felt quite this right.

Two sets of eyes shoot in my direction; one set almost identical to the man in question. All this time living with her and I’ve never noticed before now. Those eyes have burned their way into my memory as vividly as if they were my own.?

Harper pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, and I swear she’s trying to hide a smile. “That was quick, Lars.” She may have only said four words, but the knowing look she gives me tells me everything she doesn’t say. I look across to Mia, sitting there with her arms wrapped around her drawn-up legs and her chin resting atop her knees, with an expression mirroring Harper’s.

“Too quick,” I respond. Despite their positive demeanours, I can’t stop the wave of discomfort washing over me.?

“I happen to think it was just right,” Mia says, her face bright. “Can you elaborate though? What is it that makes you feel safe?”

I take a moment to mull this over; how do I answer?

“I know it’s easier said than done, but you can’t look at me as his sister right now. Right now, I’m your best friend.”

The way she can read my mind so effortlessly is incredible; I’ve never felt more grateful for that skill than I do right now.

“Honestly, I don’t know if I can describe it without sounding incredibly fucking cheesy.”

“Then don’t. You could be a whole arse wheel of camembert right now, and we wouldn’t bat an eyelid.”

“Speak for yourself, Harps, I’d be running in the opposite direction.”

“Emilia!” Harper exclaims. “That’s not helpful.”

I’m doubled over in stitches before I can hear Mia’s response. These two never cease to entertain, especially during those moments when you’d least expect it.

“Oh god Lara, are you okay?” Harper’s voice sounds much closer than before, and there’s a hand on my back. “She’s shaking,” Harper continues in Mia’s direction.

“I-I—,” is all I can manage through silent laughter. I draw in a breath, straightening up. “I’m fine, I was laughing.” It’s a miracle I’m able to get the words out.?

“I think it’s hysteria,” Mia states, to which Harper hums her agreement. “Hysteria aside, we’re getting off track. Lara, you were saying?”

“Right, yes, Carter.” My fingertips swiftly find my rings, twisting them absentmindedly. “I look at him and feel the sort of safety and security I longed for as a child. I feel like the things I dreamt of when I was younger might be possible with him. But there’s a small part of me that feels fear. I wasn’t looking for something like this. I didn’t want something like this.”

From childhood until my pre-teen years, all I’d longed for was to be loved. Whenever I came across someone—particularly males—who showed me anything remotely akin to love, I attached myself to them; teachers, classmates, and sports coaches alike. But once I hit my teen years, it was like a switch had been flicked. The longing I felt had been replaced by the strong urge to push away anyone who tried to get close to me. Although I still craved that closeness, I struggled to let people in. My therapist identified it as a fearful-avoidant attachment style—apparently it’s quite common among children of divorce, especially under the circumstances of my parent’s split. Despite working on it over the years, it’s never truly gone away. Which is why it’s both confusing and unnerving that I’ve taken to Carter the way I have.

“We know.” Harper’s voice is soft, almost soothing.

“It’s bound to end in heartbreak; I can’t do that again.” I concentrate on my breathing, willing the tears to remain at bay. Too many have already been shed tonight, and I’ll be damned if I let even one more slip for a man. Even if the man is Carter.

“But what if it doesn’t? Isn’t that a risk worth taking?” This time it’s Mia who speaks. I look up at her, trying to keep the shock out of my expression.?

Lying in bed, my thoughts are almost overwhelming.?

I have feelings for Carter.

I have feelings for the man who’s not only my boss but the brother of one of my best friends.

I have feelings for a man who lives half a world away from my home.

I have feelings for a man who is guaranteed to break my heart.

I have feelings for a man, full stop.

Maybe if I continue to repeat this like a mantra, it’ll force some sort of reality check on me and shock the feelings right out of me. It’s highly unlikely, but it’s worth a shot.?

The longer I lie here, the more sleep evades me. This man could be everything I dreamed of as a child; everything I ultimately decided wasn’t real when I learnt of the cruelness of the world.

You could spend 20 years with the love of your life, and then one day, they turn around and say they don’t love you anymore. Or you can have two beautiful children with him, and then out of nowhere, the three of you aren’t enough. The things they once found endearing and unique about you are now seen as irritating and inconvenient.

They say the only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes, but I believe heartbreak and disappointment should be on that list too.