46. River

FORTY-SIX

RIVER

I stood at the big glass-paned doors that overlooked the backyard, unable to move as I watched Charleigh and Nolan playing on the lawn.

Laughing.

Teasing.

Chasing.

Running , except Charleigh wasn't running anywhere. Instead, she was here and present, like she'd been a fixture all along. Was weird watching the two of them playing beneath the bright afternoon sun, their beautiful faces flashing beneath the shade of the leaves that hung low over the yard.

Normally, I freaked the fuck out when strangers were around Nolan. Protectiveness so acute that I didn't know what to do other than to keep him hedged in, but I didn't think I'd ever felt so satisfied than right then.

Watching on what my gut told me was meant to be.

Didn't mean I wasn't completely rattled when my sister eased up beside me and asked, "What are you going to tell her?"

Apprehension gusted, and every muscle in my body flexed. Didn't need to ask my sister what she was referring to. Still, I couldn't tear my gaze from outside as I mumbled, "Don't know."

Raven scoffed. "What do you mean, you don't know? You can't invite someone into your life like this and expect that you're going to keep them in the dark."

"I thought you wanted me and Charleigh together?" It scraped up my suddenly raw throat like I was dueling my sister in some kind of challenge. Knew she was only concerned, but shit.

She smacked me on the side of the arm with the back of her hand. "Of course, I want you two to be together, you big dummy. You two are perfect for each other. I knew it the first time I saw you together. Like, hello chemistry. There was this whole… thing …going on between you two."

She waved her hands around when she said thing , like she was trying to encompass whatever this was in the flail of her hands.

"I mean, it was so intense, there wasn't anyone there who didn't see it for what it was. But that doesn't change who you are, River. What you've done and what you continue to do, and the only reason I have been concerned about you two being together at all is because I know the lengths you go to conceal those parts of yourself."

"What do you expect me to do, Raven?"

She widened those dark eyes at me like it should be obvious.

When I didn't answer, she let go of a disbelieving breath and pushed, "Tell her."

My insides shriveled. Balking at the thought. Stomach dumping out on the floor, already anticipating the coming loss.

If she had even the slightest inclination, she'd go running so far and so fast that I'd never be able to catch up to her. Sure, she'd acted like it was no big deal when I told her I'd done terrible things, but we had a way of minimalizing warnings in our minds if we wanted something bad enough.

Ignoring every danger sign.

She'd probably chalked it up to me committing some petty theft.

But if she knew? There was no way she could ignore it.

"Tell her?" The words came out on a bitter laugh .

Crossing her arms over her chest, Raven cocked her head. "Um, yeah. What, you think you can invite her into this family and just act like you're someone you're not? I know you're scared of what she'll think, but you can't start a relationship based on secrets, River. You know those secrets will only eat away at anything you build, and that foundation is going to crumble. And I can't stand the thought of that for either of you. Both of you deserve so much better than that."

My head shook. "My whole life is a fuckin' secret, Raven. You know it's not safe for anyone if she knows. It's bad enough I brought her here. That I'm doing this …"

This came out of me like I was confessing a mortal sin. Maybe that was exactly what it was.

"What exactly are you doing, River? Loving someone who needs to be loved? Allowing yourself to be loved?"

I blanched, spirit trying to refute it. My transgressions so dark and ugly there was nothing I could ever do to eradicate the blemishes. Nothing I could do to wash the stains from my hands.

I'd always had the terrible sense that having Raven and Nolan in my life was only temporary. That I got to keep them for a little while only to know exactly what it was like to love with all your heart, and my punishment was going to be getting them ripped away.

Which I guessed was why I'd always spoken of the temporary when it came to Charleigh. Unwilling to believe that I could have anything permanent, even though the promise of its permanence kept getting free of my heart and lips, anyway.

Unable to imagine letting her go.

My attention drifted back out the window. Charleigh and Nolan were both cracking up where they'd toppled to a pile on the ground, rolling around and giggling as they played.

My heart that kept telling lies climbed up to take residence in my throat.

Raven laughed a sorrowful yet glacial sound. "You can't even admit it, can you? That you love her?"

"I don't…" I turned my attention to the ground and ran a trembling palm ov er my face.

Fuck.

Apparently, I couldn't deny it, either.

Raven sighed, took a step closer, then reached out and took me by the outside of both arms and turned me toward her.

Her hands curled tighter around my forearms and her voice dipped in emphasis. "You think you live a life unworthy of love, River. I know you do. I've seen it. I've watched it. I've felt it. Do you think I haven't always known how you meet any bit of joy you receive with reticence? How you're terrified of it? Like it makes you a bad person for accepting it?"

"In case you've forgotten, I am a bad person, Raven."

Disbelief shook her head. "Why don't you go back and ask any one of those women…any one of those children…if they think you're a bad person?"

"Raven…" How the fuck did I answer that? Yeah, it meant something, what we did. I'd never regret it, but it didn't change the rest of it.

"Ask me if I think you're a bad person," she goaded.

My sister was always goofing around. Radiating light. But there wasn't anything light about her right then.

I watched the old ghosts play through her eyes.

The kind of demons you could never fully outrun.

She turned me to face out the window. "How about her, River. Why don't you tell her and ask her if she thinks you're a bad person. I'd bet my life that she won't."

She paused for a moment before she murmured, "I think she might understand you better than anyone else. More than anyone else could."

It was right then that Charleigh looked our way, as if she felt the weight of our gazes peering out at them. They were still on the lawn, but she had Nolan on her lap, and she was rocking him back and forth as he pointed at something in the sky and prattled on about something the way he did.

Sun shining all around them, faces lit in the glitter of the day.

I could feel Raven peer up at me. "I told her that you were strong enough to hold her burdens…and I'm willing to bet she's strong enough to hold yours, too."

She gave a small shake of her head. "I know what you tattooed on her arm, River, and I have to wonder if that might not have been meant for you, too."

We stayed like that for the longest time while her words banged around inside me.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start getting ready. I plan to look extra amazing tonight. I have a date."

She'd crossed the room and had started up the stairs by the time I was able to process what she said.

My stomach fisted, and I sent her a glare as she climbed the stairs, her hand gliding on the handrail as she did.

And Raven? She fuckin' cracked up.

I pounded at Raven's closed door.

"The hell is taking you two so long?" I shouted at the wood. It was getting close to ten. Nolan had been dropped at Miss Liberty's hours ago for his big sleepover with his friends.

The kid had to have been the most excited I'd ever seen him. Fuckin' bouncing off the walls and asking me if it was time to leave every three seconds.

Raven had organized it with Miss Liberty, setting it up that Trent and Eden and Jud and Salem could leave all their kids with her for the night, along with Nolan.

It was all to celebrate the fourth anniversary of Kane's opening, though what we were really celebrating was the coronation of Sovereign Sanctum from years before.

Trent and Jud had been intrinsic to its birth, and it was only fitting that they would be here for it.

Miss Liberty was being more than well-compensated for her going over and above, though I imagined she might be having second thoughts with the fucking mayhem that had to be going down at her house right then.

I'd gotten back what felt like five hours ago to Raven and Charleigh locked behind Raven's door. I'd knocked then and had been met with Raven telling me to go away as a shit-ton of giggles echoed through the wood.

Now, I was fucking itchy, and some douche-nod wearing a goddamn suit who I'd never seen before was downstairs waiting on my sister.

Fuck my life.

I started to knock the back of my fist on her door again when it suddenly burst open. It sent me stumbling back a step when Raven came strutting out.

Yeah, fuck my life.

She was dressed far too scandalously for my comfort, in leather and looking like a straight-up biker chick, and I had half an inclination to point my finger and tell her to go back into her room and change, except my jaw unhinged and hit the floor when Charleigh came out behind her.

And well…fuck me again. She had on this itty-bitty skirt, white and puffy, so goddamn short I'd barely have to slip my hand under it to get to that tight pussy I'd come to the swift conclusion I was addicted to.

Way my dick leapt in my jeans, lust punching me straight in the gut, even though I'd already had her three times this morning before everyone got up and twice during Nolan's nap.

She had on a red tight-fitted tank that was tucked into the hem, and that sweet little tat was exposed on her inner arm. My goddamn heart fisted because it felt like a brand.

Like she might really be mine.

Her hair was done in big, fat waves that floated around her precious, perfect face. Those lips plumped and coated in shiny pink.

"Tryin' to do a man in, yeah?" I grunted, my tongue coming out to stroke my lips as I moved her direction, unable to stop myself .

Charleigh gasped as I pinned her against the wall, and her hands fisted in my tee.

Raven squealed and clapped. "I knew that outfit would make you irresistible. My designer skills are on par. You're welcome. Xoxo, your bestie."

I barely peeked at my sister from out of the corner of my eye since I couldn't look away from my girl. "She's always irresistible."

It was the goddamn truth.

"Aww," Raven sang as if it was the cutest thing in the world, though she was looking at me with those sharp eyes that warned me not to fuck this up.

And I swore to God right then that I wouldn't.