21. River

TWENTY-ONE

RIVER

Had you ever taken a turn down the wrong road and traveled it anyway just to see where it would lead?

Knowing the path was treacherous and riddled with potholes and cracks, and you'd already received the warning that there was a dead-end up ahead, but you continued on because the scenery was so awe-inspiring you'd convinced yourself it wouldn't hurt to take a detour through paradise?

Guessed it was so as I sat like a dumb fucker with his first crush grinning at my phone at just after seven in the morning.

Maybe that's exactly what I was.

A dumb fucker who had his first crush because I wasn't sure that I'd ever felt this way before. Fucking antsy as hell, anticipating her next text. Wondering exactly what she'd say and how it was gonna feel, but knowing every time her words did come through, I felt like I was flying.

We'd been texting back and forth for the last week, and with each one, I felt myself getting more caught up.

I glanced back at the text I'd sent her five minutes ago.

Me

You thinking about runnin' today ?

It was the same one I'd sent her every morning for the last seven days, though I'd told her it didn't count as one of my twenty questions.

I'd used up to question nine.

Mostly I'd kept it pretty light because I didn't want to spook her, and I sure as hell didn't want to be the reason that her shining eyes went dim.

Besides, the bantering with this girl was fun.

No doubt, I was going to have to take it deeper, knock some bricks out of the wall she kept erected around her.

Fortified battlements around a castle, the girl in a tower and staring down, too fucking high for me to reach.

It also meant I was going to have to give her some of me, which was so goddamn reckless, the way I was contemplating giving her a glimpse when doing it should have been absolutely out of the question.

The rules had been set in place for a reason.

Still, I was grinning when a response finally blipped through.

Little Runner

Not today.

Me

Good girl.

Swore, I could almost feel her blush through the phone. The way she always got all shy and affected. Loved that about her. The way she was shuttered. A flower hidden behind her pains and fears.

But I could feel her, aching to bloom.

Me

How'd you sleep?

It didn't take her long to respond.

Little Runner

You sure are using up those questions on silly things for someone who was hoping to get to know me better.

Me

Checking on you doesn't count. You already know that.

I would have used up those questions on the first day if that was the case.

Little Runner

And how's it you get to make the rules?

Me

Because I'm the big boss, like Nolan said.

Little Runner

Why am I getting the sense that you always get your way?

Me

I learned a long time ago that I have to push for the things I believe are right.

Little Runner

To survive?

I hesitated, tongue stroking my lip before I tapped out a response.

Me

Yeah. You have to fight to make your way through this world, whatever that looks like. No matter how ugly it might be.

Me

That counts as one for you.

You know, since she managed to get under my skin and make me reveal another piece that I was an idiot to give her. My crew would have my ass if they knew the way I was getting sucked under.

Little Runner

Not fair. You tricked me into that one.

Me

You're the one who asked.

She sent me a slew of pouty face emojis, and I rumbled a chuckle as I typed out a response.

Me

Going to sign off. Know you need to get ready for work, and I'm going to need to feed my little dude. He'll be up any minute.

It took a second for her text to blip through.

Little Runner

Give him a kiss for me?

Me

Yeah, as long as you're sending along one for me, too.

I was surprised when a response came right through.

Little Runner

Kisses like this feel a whole lot safer.

My heart stalled out for a beat before I let my fingers fly across the screen.

Me

Because you're afraid of me?

Little Runner

No, because I'm afraid every time a text comes through from you that I want to reach through the screen to touch you.

Me

Believe me, gorgeous, the feeling is mutual. Have a good day at work. Be safe.

Tossing my phone to my bed beside me, I flung myself back on the mattress. I crammed the heels of my hands into my eyes and wondered exactly what it was I thought I was doing. What I hoped to achieve.

Wondering most when I needed to put an end to this thing. Exactly when we'd hit that dead end.

The one thing I knew was I had to stop it before I got her tangled in the consequences of who I was.

Shame gusted in from the sacred place where I kept it shored, and that gutting failure that had changed the course of my life throbbed from within. Reminding me of the commitment I'd made.

I needed to remember that was the one I was charged to protect at all costs.

Apparently, there was no heeding the warnings I'd given myself. Not when our texts continued through our days.

Between clients.

Before I picked up Nolan from the sitter.

Sending them quick then tucking my phone away, over-eager to get to her answers and returned questions that would be waiting for me when she got to them on her breaks.

It was the girl who was pushing us deeper right then. Wanting to know me the way I'd invited her to do. I wanted to reveal every element that made me up, even though I tried to keep things as vague as I could, toeing a line that couldn't be crossed.

Me

What's the one place you've always wanted to go but never have been?

Little Runner

Greece. Have you always lived in Moonlit Ridge?

Me

No.

Little Runner

Where did you grow up?

Me

LA.

Little Runner

Why did you leave?

Me

To give Nolan a better life.

It was at least the truth even though there were a thousand secrets wound in it.

It was the text that came through hours later that nearly dropped me to my knees, blipping through right after I'd pulled into the garage with Nolan chattering away from the backseat.

Little Runner

Where's his mom?

I glanced in the rearview, at his precious, innocent face.

And there I went, such a fucking fool, laying it out.

Me

She's dead.

I felt pinned to the seat as I held my phone, waiting for what would come next. Nolan was halfway through telling me about what he'd had for lunch when one finally popped up.

Little Runner

I'm really sorry.

Me

Yeah, me too.

When nothing came through after a couple minutes, I finally forced myself from the driver's seat, and I rounded to the back and quickly unbuckled Nolan. I swung him into the air before I set him on his feet.

He cracked up like it was the most fun he'd ever had, before he went running through the door and inside the house, shouting for his auntie as he went.

We'd just finished up dinner and I'd told Nolan to head upstairs to grab a game for us to play when I finally received another text. Warily, I turned my phone over where it was face down on the table.

Little Runner

Did you love her?

Her question felt like a blade was slowly being driven through the center of my chest.

Hands shaking, I tapped out a reply.

Me

No.

Raven was casting me a speculative glance. "Who are you texting?"

"No one," I grunted.

She laughed, though it wasn't an agreeable sound. "Sure, sure, big brother. Do you think I haven't noticed you sneaking around like you've got a dirty secret for the last week?"

She shocked the shit out of me when she plucked my phone from my hand and jumped out of her chair.

"What the hell?" I demanded as I pushed to standing, the legs of my chair screeching on the hardwood.

My baby sister danced away from me, spinning it over her head the way she used to do when she wanted to torment me when she was seven. "If you aren't keeping secrets, then you won't mind if I take a little peek. I mean, we don't keep anything from each other, do we?"

I went to snatch it out of her hand, and she ducked the other direction.

"Ah-ha, just what I thought," she said at my reaction, and from where she was halfway across the room, she turned her attention to my phone.

"Oh," she murmured quietly as she realized who I was talking to.

I scraped an agitated hand over the top of my head. "It isn't what it looks like."

She lifted her dark eyes to me. "What does it look like?"

I sighed, not sure how the hell to phrase it to my sister. "Like I'm sweet on your best friend," I settled on.

The two of them had been hanging out a ton over the last week. It was rare that Raven didn't stay at the flower shop after closing, coming home an hour late and telling me she'd grabbed a drink with Charleigh or had gone on a walk or just roamed around doing whatever girlie shit they did.

Had to admit that I loved it. Loved that the two of them were finding companionship in each other.

Loved that my sister was spreading her wings.

Loved that Charleigh wasn't alone.

But this? I didn't fuckin' love it. Didn't love the way my sister was looking at me at all.

"Are you?"

Another sigh. "No."

Because I didn't get to be sweet on anything. I didn't do love or connections or strings or any of that bullshit.

But I felt tied to Charleigh in some intrinsic way.

In a way I shouldn't.

"Are you lying to me or are you trying to lie to yourself? Because this looks like you're sweet to me, River."

She waved the screen at me as proof.

I roughed a palm over my face. "It's not that…"

Okay, it was all those things. I wanted to take this girl in a way I'd never wanted to take anyone.

Fuck her.

Touch her.

Keep her.

But most of all, I wanted her to realize she was free. Wanted her to know that she didn't have to be a prisoner to whatever nightmares had occurred in her past.

I knew that's what they were .

Nightmares.

Even if she hadn't let me get that deep yet, I could feel them.

"What is it then?" Raven pressed.

"It's me being a stupid prick and fuckin' around where I shouldn't."

Raven's expression grew intense, and she slowly came toward me, her voice growing soft. "I know what you look like when you're fucking around with a girl, River. And it doesn't look like this."

I cringed at what my sister was implying. Cringed at the suggestion that was written all over her face.

"You like her. You care about her."

"I don't get to have that, Raven."

"Why not?"

"You know why."

She huffed like I was in the wrong. Like my sins weren't stacked against me.

I'd made a trade. I'd long since accepted that.

"That's bullshit, River. Total bullshit. Do you think I don't know what you sacrificed for me? What you've sacrificed for the others? You deserve to be loved more than anyone I know."

My chest squeezed, pain eating me alive.

"You know the rules."

And above that, I'd given Nolan all that I was. Everything I had to give. He was my priority, and I couldn't lose sight of that.

Emotion ran thick in Raven's mahogany eyes. "Screw the rules, River. What's this life if it's not worth living?"

The raucous stomping of footsteps echoed from overhead, and I reached out and touched my sister's cheek. "Got plenty to be living for, Raven."

Adoration filled her features, and she set her hand over mine. "That doesn't mean you don't deserve more. After everything you've done for me. After everything you've done for them."

Unable to answer her, I backed away. "I need to get upstairs and play that game with Nolan."

I turned on my heel and started up the stairs. My sister's words stopped me in my tracks. "If you don't care for her? Then you need to let her go, River. Let her live her own life. She doesn't need to be toyed with. She's been broken enough."

I could barely nod with the lump constricting my throat, but I did, and I hurried to climb the stairs. I moved directly to Nolan's room where he was already on the floor with the game set out on the carpet. "Hey, yo, Daddy-O! Are you ready to play? I got it all ready for us. Get ready to go down!"

He hopped on his knees and pumped his fists, like we were getting ready to throw down in the ring rather than play a game of Trouble.

Affection pulling fierce at my chest, I sat down across from him and ran my fingers through his hair. "Yeah, buddy, I'm ready to play."

Darkness had fallen, and the house had grown quiet. I'd tucked Nolan into bed two hours before, and Raven had retreated to her room to read one of the smutty romance novels she was obsessed with.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, unsettled as fuck. Struggling with what Raven had said. She was right. I shouldn't be messing with Charleigh if I had no intention of being the kind of guy she needed me to be. When I knew I couldn't be him.

Should have ignored it when my phone vibrated on the mattress beside me, but I picked it up, heart clamping like a fist when I saw who it was from.

Little Runner

Have you ever loved anyone?

Fuck me.

She really was trying to do me in. But I was the one who'd come up with this asinine idea. Begging her to trust me when I knew full well that I couldn't be.

Me

My sister? Nolan? My crew? Yeah. With all of me. But not the way you're asking. You?

Even though I was coming apart inside, I kept up with our typical cadence and asked her the same.

Little Runner

No. Not in that way, either.

Me

How's it possible someone like you has never been in love before?

Couldn't stop myself from asking it, unable to imagine a lifetime where someone like Charleigh hadn't had that. I'd figured that was a big piece of her grief. Of what that tattoo I'd marked on her had meant.

Little Runner

Because I've never had anyone that I've ever wanted to love like that. Have never had anyone to love me back.

My fingers flew in their disbelief because who in the fuck wouldn't fall in love with this girl?

Me

Have you not been in a relationship before?

It took her forever to answer, and I was fuckin' itching by the time it came through.

Little Runner

I was married.

What the fuck? Charleigh had been married?

Jealousy knocked me upside the head.

Me

And you didn't love the guy?

Fury lashed out with the force of my fingers.

Why it pissed me off so bad, I didn't know.

No doubt, we were way past the twenty questions. Far past the agreement we had made. But I wanted to go deeper. Get so deep that neither of us would be able to figure out where our histories started or where they ended. Where our days blended.

Tangled.

Tied.

I was too fucking foolish to realize the hazardous direction my thoughts had taken.

Little Runner

No .

I could feel the pulse of sadness come with it. The horror. Awareness sank through me with the weight of a boulder toppled into the sea.

This was the fucker who'd hurt her.

My teeth gnashed.

Me

Who is he?

Little Runner

It doesn't matter.

She was putting me off. No doubt about it. Maybe this girl understood me better than I thought because the only thing I wanted right then was to go on a rampage.

Me

Oh, it matters. This who you've been running from?

It felt like a lifetime passed before she responded, and I didn't miss that she didn't answer but instead asked me another question.

Little Runner

What's your biggest regret?

Had two of them. Only one I could give her access to.

Me

That I didn't stop my stepfather from hurting Raven soon enough. That she didn't get a real childhood.

I wasn't sure what Charleigh knew about it. If Raven had shared with her any of those things in the many times they'd hung out. Things that still made nausea swirl in my guts and rage spiral through my system.

I had ended that motherfucker a long, long time ago, but that didn't mean the sting of it wasn't there. Didn't mean the regret didn't remain. The vengeance enacted would never truly cover what he'd done.

But I didn't give her time to respond. Instead, I asked her the one thing that had plagued me since I'd marked those words on her flesh.

Me

What's the grief you have tatted on your arm?

I stared at my phone for the longest time, willing a text to come through. Ten minutes passed, then fifteen, and I finally slumped back on the mattress, wondering if I'd pushed her too far.

It felt like forever as I lay there toiling with thoughts of this woman who had lodged herself somewhere in my spirit, wedging out a section for herself. This care too much.

An actual hour had passed, and I was about to drift when my phone vibrated beside me. I scrambled to grab it, lifting it high so I could read what she said.

Little Runner

I had a son.

Grief hit me so hard I rocketed upright, and my teeth ground like it could staunch the shearing pain I instantly felt for her.

Because I could hear the finality in her words.

Had.

I wavered for one second, unsure of what I was doing, before I put through a FaceTime call. I doubted much that she would answer, and I didn't know what the fuck I would even say if she did, but I felt the compulsion to see her right then. Actually look at her face and understand what she was feeling.

I wasn't prepared for it, though, when she did. Wasn't prepared to see the tears running down her cheeks, those cinnamon eyes somber in the dull light. She was curled up against her headboard, knees tucked to her chest, all that sweetness colored in pain.

"Charleigh." I mumbled her name like it could convey everything I was feeling for her.

She choked a soft sound, and I murmured, "I'm so fuckin' sorry."

She gave a sorrowful shake of her head. "He's been gone for a long time, but I don't think this pain will ever go away."

"No. I doubt that it will."

It might dim and distort, form calluses and scars, but it was something she would always carry.

"The only thing you can do is live in it." I repeated a semblance of what she'd written. The truth that the only thing she could do was put one foot in front of the other. Find the joys of today. Peace in the midst of it .

I wanted to be the one to help her do it which was so fucked up, I didn't know how to make sense of it. I knew better than delving into any of this because there was no changing who I was, but there I sat, staring at this girl through the hazy light and wondering how it was that one person could swing into my life and make such a disorder of it.

Crack this foundation that'd been set years ago.

"What happened to him?" I finally asked after I'd given her some time to just sit there and cry.

She flinched at the question, silent for the longest time before she whispered, "Car accident."

Fuck. Didn't know how to process the information she'd trusted me with throughout the day. The fact she was married, and I was sure this person had done her wrong, treated her bad. I mean, fuck, she still felt the need to look over her shoulder in fear that he might be coming after her.

That horror was far more than enough.

But this?

It was too fuckin' much, and I hated that this girl'd had to bear that much grief.

I wanted to reach through the screen and hold a part of it for her. Promise her it would be okay. That there was joy waiting all around for her.

"That's awful, honey." The words were raw, coarse and littered with this feeling she'd lit inside me.

Sniffling, she wiped at her face with the back of her hand before she nodded, "Yeah, it's awful."

Her mouth twisted in a mournful smile, one riddled with eternal, broken love.

"See now why you look at Nolan the way you do."

Her nod was soft. "I just see him for the treasure he is."

A gift.

That's what Raven had always said.

"He is," I agreed, voice low and raw.

"Do you like it? Being a dad?"

My chest tightened .

A storm of ferocity.

"Yeah. Scares the fuck outta me most days, but I do."

This kid that little bit of joy that I'd stolen. Didn't deserve it, but there he was, sleeping down the hall, filling this house with all his happiness.

"You're a good dad." Her lips gave a soggy tilt at the side.

I grunted. "Not sure about that."

"I am," she murmured, and she was watching me in a way that no one had ever watched me before. Like she saw something deeper.

But that was because she didn't have access to everything that was buried beneath.

Hidden and concealed.

"I'm trying to be," I admitted.

"That's all we can do, right? Do our best? It's no different than the words on my arm. We have to live each day for what it's worth. Pour ourselves into those around us. And I've been so scared of doing that—so scared of getting close to others—that I've almost forgotten what that means."

She readjusted her arm, and it brought her into better view.

"Fuck, you're so pretty." I couldn't stop the confession from sliding out.

So fuckin' pretty. But I knew whatever I was feeling right then had little to do with that. This was far more than the base attraction I'd felt for her when she'd come through my shop's door.

That shyness crept through her features, though she continued watching me as if maybe for the first time she wanted to be seen.

"You make me feel that way, River. You make me want to let you look at me that way. I never thought I'd want a man. Never thought I'd want to be touched again because that was ruined for me. I'd never felt a hint of it until that night when I first met you, and now…"

She trailed off, and a hurricane of possession whipped through my body.

The need to hold her. Take her. Keep her.

The last was the most dangerous of all .

"What now , Charleigh?"

"Now I can't stop imagining what it would be like if you did make me forget."

Lust reverberated through my insides, need coming on thick. "You been imagining it, gorgeous? What it'll be like when I send you flyin'?"

Even in the dim light, I could see the flush crawl up her neck and hit those cheeks. "Yes."

"And what do you do while you're imagining it?"

"I burn."

Fuck me.

"Do you touch yourself?"

Wasn't sure I should admit right then that I'd been spending an inordinate amount of time fucking my hand. Envisioning her face and that mouth and that body. Fantasizing about what it would be like to possess all that sweetness.

Timidity hit her face, but she didn't look away. "No. I've never allowed myself that…had never wanted to until now. I want you to be the one to take me there the first time."

A growl rolled through my chest.

Need.

Possession.

A shout so fuckin' loud inside me that I felt lightheaded.

I didn't have time to respond before she continued, "You asked me to give you this time…to get to know you and decide if I trust you. And I do. I trust you, River."

Her words tore me up and stitched me back together.

Flayed and saved.

Because she fuckin' shouldn't. She shouldn't, and she sure as hell shouldn't be looking at me the way she was looking at me right then.

I was all wrong.

No good.

And more than that, I was held by this pact.

Didn't seem to matter right then, though, because I was gripped by the need to be whoever she needed me to be.

"I think I just need a little bit of time," she added quietly.

"You've got no obligation to me, Charleigh. Don't owe me a thing. But it will be my fuckin' honor to be the one to show you that you're a treasure, too. To show you that you deserve to be loved and touched and adored. Only thing I ask is if you get scared? If you feel like runnin'? Then you run to me."

Her nod was soft. "Okay."

I wanted to keep her there, on the phone forever, but a text popped up at the top of my screen.

One from the group text labeled SS.

Swore, the tattoo on the back of my hand throbbed. The searing truth of who we were.

SS

We have a situation. Midnight.

It was all the information I needed to know what had to be done. I glanced at the time. Fifteen to twelve.

I looked back at the girl who was gazing back at me. "Sleep well, Little Runner. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

She nodded again before she lifted her hand and brushed her fingertips over the screen like she was physically trying to meet with me before she whispered, "Goodnight."

I ended the call before I got stupid and said something else, and I scrubbed both palms over my face to break up the disorder the girl had left in me then sat up on the side of my bed.

I was still dressed, so I quickly worked to put my boots back on, and I crept from my room and out into the bare light of the hall. I paused at Nolan's door, peered in where the kid was fast asleep, the lion he used to sleep with replaced with the stuffed puppy Charleigh had given him.

My heart squeezed. Squeezed so fucking tight I couldn't see. Couldn't see anything but the two of them.

Forcing myself to move, I pulled his door closed, leaving it open a couple inches, before I crept farther down to Raven's room. I quietly tapped at the door with my knuckles.

"Yeah?" she called from inside.

I nudged it open. She was sitting up against her headboard, under the covers with her tablet on her lap. She looked up and smiled, though the smile fell off her face when she saw whatever must have been written on mine.

"What's wrong?"

"Got a call."

Worry flashed through her expression. "You have to go now?"

"Yeah. Can you keep an ear out for Nolan?"

Her brow pinched. "Of course."

"Thank you."

She bit down on her bottom lip and gave me a slight dip of her head. I went to back out, but the tremor in her voice stopped me. "Be careful, River. We need you."

Blowing out a strained sigh, I pushed her door open a fraction. Enough that she could see me and understand that I meant it. "Told you I would never let anything happen to me. Not when I need to be here for you and Nolan."

I needed to remember that. My duties. My calling.

I tried to as I hurried downstairs, grabbed my keys, and strode into the garage to my bike.

But the thoughts of Charleigh remained strident in my mind.