2. Azazel

"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help you," Rafael said. "She hasn't broken your soulbond, but it seems she's shut out mindlinks. I've tried a few things, but she's powerful and guarded. No one can force her to turn them back on."

Those words pierced my heart like a thousand knives. Even though she didn't break our bond, Diana shutting me out still hurt. I used to be a hero in her eyes, and now I'm not even the dirt on her shoes…and it's all my fault.

I rose from my chair in the little one bedroom apartment he had in the heart of Los Angeles. If there was anyone else as talented with spells and wards, I would have met them instead, but Rafael was the best in the business. To secure a meeting with him took a while, and since I wasn't allowed into Heaven, we had to meet somewhere safe on earth.

Running my hand through my messy, tangled curls, I started to laugh. "You must be loving this, Raf. Azazel the Fallen, still plummeting centuries later."

Raf sat next to me, knocking his knee against mine as he heaved a deep, long sigh.

"Az, I didn't vote to disgrace you because I wanted to see you knocked off the pedestal Michael kept you on. It wasn't personal. I was looking out for myself. Eat or be eaten and all that shit… I'm sorry you lost your girl."

"I did it to myself. She gave me every piece of her. Her love, her smiles, all the good and bad parts of herself. She fucking hero-worshipped me, and I chose not to live up to it. She trusted me, and I stabbed her in the back." I held back my tears, because crying wouldn't do me any good.

No matter how many days passed, or how many tears we all shed, the guys and I were completely and utterly fucked without her.

Bash was unbearable most days, to the point where he and Ares were at each other's throats, their arguing turned physical sometimes. We had to temporarily move once already because Ares managed to set the barracks on fire. Bash and I fought too, but it was mostly behind closed doors, where he could cut me into pieces in private.

Ares and I knew that even though we all contributed to this clusterfuck, we were the most to blame. He lashed out. I crumbled inward. We often stayed up late at night talking to each other about ways we could have done things differently and avoided this whole mess. For a man who's known for his brawn and action, he could be painfully insightful sometimes.

"Feathers, do you think she's ever going to come home?" Ares asked me.

I rolled over in bed to face him then fluffed my pillow and got comfortable again. The anguish on his face felt overly familiar. I lived with the pain of knowing her absence was my fault, too. A single tear rolled down his face, then blended into his grown out beard.

"Not for a long time… Hopefully she will, eventually." I reach out, grabbing his shoulder and squeezing slightly for emphasis. "I feel like this is all my fault. If I were honest with her, she wouldn't have felt betrayed. She'd still be here, lying in between us…"

Ares' tattoos stood out, even in the darkness as he rubbed my arm. "I'm the reason she's gone, too. You acted out of concern for her best interests–I was selfish as fuck. We both hurt her, but unlike you, I don't regret what I did. I hate myself for hurting her, but can't quite bring myself to feel any remorse… I just love her too damn much to not give her everything."

"You don't regret trying to get her pregnant without her consent?" I held my pillow with both hands to my chest, trying to comfort myself. Even thinking about Diana made my chest ache.

"No," he definitively said, like there was no other option. "I'll never regret trying to give her everything, because she deserves nothing less from me. Maybe I should have waited until the war was over. But I can't help how much I love her. Worship her. Need her. I'm not complete without her, and the longer she's gone, the more of myself I lose?—"

"Until you eventually become a shell of the man you were?" He nodded as I finished his sentence, then shifted closer to me, until his head touched my pillow.

"It seems we're both falling apart. At least you're not fist-fighting with Bash everyday…" Ares looked away from me momentarily.

"No, he's choosing to verbally beat me up instead." His eyebrows drew together and a fire sparked to life in his eyes.

"He shouldn't be. He hasn't been blameless in this whole chariot chafe. For fuck's sake, he was the first of us to fuck her over, back in New York. Next time he says shit to you, I'm going to rip him apart."

"I deserve it. She loved us all, but she looked up to me. She depended on me to guide her and to have her back…and I let her down."

"We have so much in common. She depended on me to protect her, and I put her in danger instead."

"Why did we have beef in the past?" I teased him.

"Because I was an asshole?" he asked as he snuggled up to the other side of the pillow and laid his arm over mine. He rubbed my shoulder in a slow, soothing pattern and some of the tension I always carried melted away. "Either way, I'm glad we got closer, and not just for Diana's sake." His hand moved up to knead the sore crick in my neck. "You may have made a bad call, but you did it out of love. You're a solid, good man, Feathers. It's sexy."

"Azazel, are you okay? I think I lost you for a few minutes."

Raphael's voice brought me out of my memory and back to the now. I looked around the apartment again. It was showroom ready, but bare, with no pictures or personal touches. The soft white, gray, and navy color palette gave off rich bachelor vibes.

The whole thing made me feel nauseous.

Even in a space as bare as our military style barrack, Diana brought a sense of home with her. She filled the space with her joy and laughter. Her attitude and facial expressions lit up the room like fireworks, illuminating the darkness around her. The longer she was gone, the more like this apartment my life became.

"Thanks for your help, Rafe. I'm going to head back to the compound."

I faded out before he said goodbye, not wanting to hang around for anything more drawn out. Since Diana left, we'd been attacked twice by Red's forces. Without Damon around to lead his army, many defected to Red's, and others ran for the hills. We won both times–barely–and put new safety measures in check to secure the compound. Only coven members could fade in and out of the building. Non-members had to be escorted in. The guys and I faded in through an entrance Lucifer made for us in the back. I was thankful for it. My tolerance for people dropped to an almost nonexistent level recently, and this entrance was discreet and close to my barrack.

I knew that no matter what the other guys did, everyone in Lucifer's inner circle blamed me the most for her leaving. Thankfully, the compound at large had no clue the guys and I were involved. They all thought she was on a secret mission with Mal, Michael, and Oisín.

After I made it through the back door and got to my room, I shucked my clothes off before burrowing under my blankets. Images of Diana swirled through my mind, overwhelming me until she was all I could see. I had gotten a few flash-visions about her from time to time since she was gone, but this one was by far the clearest and most detailed.

Diana snuggling with Mal in bed. Crying. Him kissing a shiny ring on her finger. Her walking through a pristine, manicured garden along a path, holding his hand and wearing a burgundy Victorian era dress, smiling at him.

Diana wasn't the only one crying over what we did. I knew I caused her pain, and that reality was killing me slowly, quietly. If I collected every tear I shed, I could drown myself in them. Even if she came back of her own volition, I knew nothing would ever be the same between us.

She'll never see me as her hero again.

That was the last thought I had before falling into a restless sleep.

"Feathers… FEATHERS,"Ares shouted at me, shaking me hard enough that my head lolled to the side. My breath was thick and heavy with morning funk, and existing still hurt. "Get the fuck out of bed. We have work to do!"

Ares threw his bag of chips onto the bedside table, then climbed into bed, ripping my blanket off. I rolled away from him, trying to hide myself. The longer Diana was gone, the more depressed I felt. The more broken my heart was. The less motivation I had to do anything, least of all get out of bed. Even for Ares.

"What are you talking about?" I was careful in how I spoke to him, because he was just as hurt and broken as I was. I didn't want my negativity to kill his spirit. He had slowly and invasively grown on me, like an obnoxious, handsome ivy that had the occasional emotional outburst.

The fact that he sounded so happy should have made me feel hopeful, but it just made me angry. Every lead we had on her whereabouts so far has been a dead end. I gave my hopes up only to have them torn down every time. I wasn't sure I could do it again.

"Our F-I-L wants us to meet, ASAP. He found a way to fix this and get her back. Come on!" He prodded me, pulling me out of bed by my ankles.

The day I called Lucifer my father in law was the day Heaven voluntarily set itself on fire.

It was cute that Ares liked him so much, but I wasn't sure if I'd ever fully cozy up to the man who hurt Michael so badly and influenced me to keep such a big secret from his daughter. Tolerating him was barely attainable for me.

When I flopped onto the floor, he scooped me up and dumped me in the shower. Thankfully I landed on my feet, keeping myself upright by clinging to the sunken shelf when cold water hit me.

"Ares!" I shouted. "What the fuck?"

"Hold on, hold on," he said before waltzing into the shower buck naked. He snapped, and the water got warmer, reaching the perfect temperature.

"What are you doing?" I hissed as he started to wash himself with soap, a goofy smile on his face.

"Um, showering, which you should be doing too. You smell like a gym sock–the funky kind, not the chunky kind, if you catch my drift." He winked as he worked the lather behind his neck. "Diana prefers men who smell good, you know."

"She isn't here, Ares. She may never come back," I lamented, knowing it was my fault she ran from us into another time period.

"You're such a Cancer, it's ridiculous. So deep in those emotions, you ridiculous, winged man," he laughed as he ran a bubbly hand over his pecks, through his chest hair.

"You're a Greek god. Why do you believe in star signs? Didn't that come after your time?" I ask, trying to distract myself from the path his hand made as he soaped up his abs.

"That's one thing the Romans did right. The star signs are real, and mine describes me perfectly." I struggled to maintain eye contact because he'd moved on to lathering up his hard junk, which was big enough that it literally reached his abs. "I'm a Sagittarius with an Aries moon and a Leo rising, if you're wondering."

I wasn't sure what the other two things meant, but Sagittarius fit him. He had the adventurous spirit, can-do attitude, and that crazy personality the sign was famous for.

"Okay," I said before clearing my throat and turning away from him to grab a hair tie on the other shelf. Washing my hair would take a while, so I pulled it back. The soap we used smelled fresh, like clean linen, and I lathered it in my hands slowly. Maybe Lucifer came up with a solution, and this would be it. She'd come back to us.

"You'll see, Feathers. She's going to come home eventually, and we'll be ready when she does." Ares seemed so confident in something I didn't think would happen.

Two large, hot hands scrubbed my shoulders, trailing down to my sides before grasping my hips.

"What are you doing?" I hadn't let myself feel anything remotely pleasurable since Diana left. Partly out of sadness, but also as a punishment. I didn't deserve to feel anything other than disdain toward myself.

"Washing you, since you're taking too long to get it done," he rasped. His hard length dug into my lower back as his lips ghosted over the shell of my ear. "You took good care of me these past few months, let me take care of you."

The whole shower was charged with sexual tension and I had no clue what to do with it. His hand wrapped around my hardness, and I exhaled a deep, heavy breath. His slow, steady strokes felt so good, his body was warm against mine. I melted into him, letting go of some of the anger and despair that clouded me since we drove her away. His lips left scorching kisses on my neck, and I groaned. I had wondered what they felt like before, especially during the late nights we spent talking in bed, but never allowed myself to taste him. His lips were so plump and soft, yet hard and unyielding, just like the man himself.

"Ares…" I moaned as he picked up his pace. I gasped when he rolled his thumb over my head, swiping it through the precum there.

"You're so fucking hot. Kind and giving. You're so good. I've wanted this goodness in my life for such a long time," he said as he palmed my ass, kissing me into oblivion. "I want you. These cheeks, fuck," he grunted as he ran his free hand over my ass.

The water got hotter, beating down on us as we connected in this new, more intimate way. It felt natural to be held by him, to feel his body against mine. We were both glowing, his more brilliant gold stark against my more muted silver. I felt some of the heavy, suffocating sadness that plagued my waking moments lift, being replaced by a pleasure I never thought I'd feel again. It built inside me, making me feel the positive energy I was sure abandoned me along with Diana. It grew so intense, so consuming, that I turned in his arms, looking him in the eye.

"Can you handle this?" he asked in a deep, rasping voice as he fisted his cock. "Do you want me, Feathers?"

Yes.

The link of our minds seemed only fitting. Out of everyone in my life, Ares knew exactly how I felt. He felt the overwhelming sense of failure and sadness so intensely, in his own way. It was a bond that welded us together.

Good, because I need you, he linked me as he plundered my mouth, threading his hands through my hair as he kissed down my neck. For the first time in months, I felt positivity deep inside me. It started out as a faint glimmer, growing as he stroked me. I could feel myself thawing, becoming me again.

The clearing of a throat broke the spell between us, causing us to crash into reality.

"As entertaining as it is watching you whore yourself out, Azazel, Lucifer expected you both at the meeting five minutes ago," Bash barbed, hitting me right in the throat. He faded away before I could respond. Any positivity I felt died immediately.

Bash had grown angrier with me the longer Diana was away. He blamed me for her leaving and barely spoke to me. The rare times he did, it was usually with an increasing level of cruelty. I thought I'd get used to it after three and a half months, but apparently his words still hurt.

Ares guided me back a few steps, rinsing me under the water, then himself. The murderous look on his face was scary, yet oddly attractive. Now I could see what Diana saw in him. Battle-ready Ares was hot as fuck.

He kissed me, then gave me a towel from the rack. After staring at me for a few seconds, he hugged me, squeezing a bit too hard. "You aren't whoring yourself out, and what we shared was beautiful. Take your time getting ready—Bash is going to fucking eat his words."

Ares snapped his fingers, and a pair of gray sweatpants and a t- shirt with Greek letters appeared on his body. He faded away before I got a chance to remind him Bash wasn't worth it or ask him to let it go.

I guessed Bash was in for a rude awakening at this meeting.