Chapter 29

Ivan

I tossedand turned all night, alternately worrying about my mom and wondering what Chey wanted to talk about. It sounded like we were going to have the ‘relationship talk,' but in her case, I didn't know if that was good or bad. There had been a distinct emotional distance between us ever since I'd mentioned buying a house, and of course, as soon as I'd decided to lay my feelings out there for her, my life had been turned upside down with my mother's accident.

I finally gave up on sleep and went for a run, opting to let Chey sleep while I burned off some energy. Not to mention the ten thousand calories they'd shoved into me last night. I wasn't usually a stress eater, but yesterday had been a different kind of stress. The idea of losing my mother this soon was unfathomable for me.

Losing my dad had been inevitable.

He drank like a fish, and in a way, I'd already lost him when we left Russia because he'd called me not long after we left, asking if I wanted to stay with my mother in the US. When I'd said yes, he'd told me I was dead to him and promptly hung up on me. I didn't hear from him for almost two years.

He'd tried to talk me into coming to visit after that, once he'd seen how well I was doing in junior hockey. By the time I was fifteen, it was generally accepted that big things were in my hockey future, so he'd tried to rebuild our relationship, but I hadn't wanted any part of it.

Ultimately, his death hadn't impacted me too much.

Losing my mother would be something else.

She'd die someday, of course, but I'd figured not until she was well into her eighties. She was only fifty-two and both healthy and active. She had friends, a job she loved, and I spent as much time with her as I could. We traveled together in the off-season, and she usually came to games three or four times a year. We remained close despite our geographical distance, and I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I also couldn't imagine my life without Chey.

That was why I hadn't wanted to talk about things just yet.

I'd wanted to give her time to realize that I wouldn't try to change her life, or her plans for the future. I wanted her to keep doing what she was doing, as long as she was happy. Together, I could foresee us having a great life and a lot of fun. And seeing how supportive she'd been the moment we found out about my mother's accident, I'd realized she would also be there for me in a crisis.

The only question now was whether or not she returned my feelings.

Maybe things had gotten too intense for her.

Maybe the time we'd been spending together had the opposite effect on her that it had on me.

For me, it was abundantly clear that we were meant to be together.

Of course, I'd thought that about Marina at first too.

So maybe I was the problem.

I picked up speed, pushing myself as I ran, trying to burn calories and negativity at the same time.

Before I could deal with the situation with Chey, I had to make sure my mother was going to be okay. Then I had to figure out what I was going to do about leaving, because we had a game tomorrow night and technically, I needed to be there. Coach had been great when I'd called him, telling me to take as much time with my mother as necessary, and to just keep him updated.

I hated to be away from the team when we were playing so well, but there was nothing more important than my mother. She'd risked her life to get me out of Russia, and worked harder than anyone I'd ever known so that I could have everything I needed, including the ability to play hockey at the highest level.

If she needed me, hockey or no hockey, I would be here for her.

I slowed down as I got closer to the house, trying to cool off a little. I needed a shower and then we were supposed to be at the hospital by ten. We'd decided not to get there any earlier because the doctor had said he wanted her to stay sedated for twenty-four hours. That meant she would still be asleep, so we had time to get there and hopefully talk to the doctor personally.

I let myself into the house quietly, not wanting to disturb Chey if she was still asleep, but I could hear her voice coming from the bedroom. I was about to call out to he when I heard her say, "…I can't. I told you, Ivan is freaking out about his mom. How would it look if I just left him? And you know how these guys are—clingy and insecure sometimes. We're going to have to talk about that at some point, but not while his mom's in the hospital… I know. I'm sorry. If there's any way I can get away, I will. Okay? Promise."

She thought I was clingy and insecure?

What the fuck was that about?

Jesus.

So, the talk she wanted to have was because she was planning to break up with me. Or at least, kick me back to the friend zone. She just hadn't been able to do it because of the holiday and then my mother's accident. She'd let me know we needed to talk but was being kind about the timing given the situation.

Son of a bitch.

I really had the worst luck with women.

As far as I knew, I'd never been clingy or insecure in my life, and I sure as fuck wasn't going to start now. If that was what she thought of me, then she wasn't the woman I'd thought she was. I'd fallen for her, but I had enough pride to let her go without a fuss and nurse my broken heart once she was gone.

I'd give her an easy out and that would be the end of it.

It would suck, no doubt about that, but I'd be okay.

There were lots of fish in the sea.

Not many were like Chey, but I wasn't going to beg someone to love me. Not after what I'd put up with when Marina left.

I backed up, going back to the front door and quietly opening it again. Then I closed it hard enough to let her know I was back. As I expected, I heard her say she had to go, and then she came out of the bedroom with a smile.

"Good morning. Did you go for a run?"

"Yeah. I ate too much last night."

"You should have woken me."

"Why? You weren't going to run with me."

She frowned. "I might have. I actually like to run, but you've never asked me to join you before."

I blinked, momentarily confused.

She was a runner?

How did I not know that?

Well, it didn't matter.

I had to focus on my mom, not the woman about to break my heart, so the best solution was to get her out of here.

She came toward me, leaning up for a kiss, but I took a step back.

"Oh, hey, I'm gross right now. I need to get in the shower."

"I don't mind when you're sweaty," she said in a throaty whisper. "In fact?—"

"Chey." I put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm really distracted right now, you know? This thing with my mom is all I have the mental bandwidth for. I was thinking it would probably be easier if you went back to L.A. Or maybe go see Stevie. Didn't you say she texted you a bunch of times yesterday?

The hurt in her eyes was unmistakable and she just stared at me.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly. "Did something happen?"

I didn't want to fight with her.

Not like this.

We had all kinds of mutual friends, so we would inevitably see each other again, and I didn't want things to be ugly or even uncomfortable. It would be easier all around if I got her to leave and then kept my distance for a while. She'd eventually figure out I didn't want to see her anymore. It was probably the coward's way out, but short of calling her out on what she'd said on the phone, this was easier considering the current circumstances.

"I just need to be able to focus on my mom," I said quietly. "And it's a lot to have to drag you around to hospitals and to see family and such. I think it would be easier on both of us if you went home. Or to see Stevie."

She stared at me, searching my face intently. "I don't… I mean, I'm happy to be here with you. Did I do something wrong last night? With your family? Didn't they like me?"

Christ, was she going to make this harder than it needed to be?

And why did she care what my family thought if she'd only come because I was clingy or whatever?

"They loved you," I replied honestly. "It's not that. I just need to be able to focus on Mom. And to be honest, she's never met you. I don't know how comfortable she'll be with you seeing her for the first time in the hospital."

"Oh." She looked so hurt I almost told her I was sorry.

But what the hell did I have to apologize for?

I'd been nothing but good to her.

She was the one talking shit about me to her friends.

Marina had done stuff like that too when she thought I couldn't hear.

I didn't need another woman like that in my life.

Even one I'd thought was perfect for me.

"I need a shower," I said abruptly. "If you can find a flight, I'm happy to drop you at the airport before I head over to see Mom."

Her blue eyes were fixed on mine as she stood in front of me. "Ivan, what's wrong? Are you breaking up with me? What's going on? I feel like I'm missing something."

"Look, you've said from the beginning you wanted to keep things casual. And it's been great, but this is my mother. I don't have time for distractions or waiting for you to put your makeup on or whatever."

A flash of anger crossed her face, and she lifted her chin a notch, as if steeling herself for something.

"I see."

"Look, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to Buffalo."

"This is about how long it takes me to get ready?"

"Yes. No." I huffed out an impatient breath, wishing she'd let this go. "I should have told you to stay in L.A., but, in the moment, I wasn't thinking clearly. You should go home, spend the holiday weekend with your family, and I'll give you a call in a few weeks. Hopefully, Mom will be better by then, and I'll be able to think about something other than her."

She stared at me as if I'd suddenly grown horns or something.

There was so much hurt and confusion on her face, it was making me second-guess myself.

Had I overreacted?

I didn't know, but the truth was I really was worried about my mother, and I didn't have time for game-playing, which was what this was beginning to feel like. Maybe some of that was my fault, but it was too late now.

"Fine," she said after a moment. "If you prefer for me to leave, I will. I certainly don't want to be in the way. Go ahead and get in the shower. I'll try to find a flight out."

She turned on her heel and disappeared back into the bedroom.

A moment later I heard her on the phone, and I realized she was really going to leave. Because I'd told her to.

I was breaking my own fucking heart, but I couldn't fight for something she didn't want too.

I'd drop her off at the airport and then go see my mother.

Short-term, that was all I could think about.

My broken heart would have to wait until I was past this crisis.