Chapter 21

Mav

I hadn't even gotten the car in park before Eli opened the door and when I saw him fall to his knees, I fumbled with my own door. We were alone on the secluded stretch of road that ran north through the reservation. I had no idea where Ronan had hired the hearse from, but when we'd turned to head north out of town, they'd gone south.

"Eli," I yelled as I hurried around the car. He was still on his knees and his face was stricken as he tried to draw in enough air to breathe. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was having an asthma attack that was truly constricting his ability to breathe, rather than a psychosomatic symptom of the extreme stress he was experiencing.

That I had brought on.

"Eli, baby, look at me," I ordered as I pulled him to his feet and leaned him back against the car. I grabbed him by the face to hold his attention and didn't miss the way his hands closed tightly around my wrists.

"I need you to slow your breathing, okay?"

Eli managed a nod.

"Breathe with me," I said as I took in a breath, waited several seconds before taking another one. It took several tries for Eli to match my breathing, but when he did, the death grip he had on my wrists eased, and his flushed skin began to return to normal. It was a good five minutes before he was breathing normally.

"Okay?" I asked as I stroked his cheek with my finger. But instead of answering me, he pushed my hands from his face and stepped past me.

"Eli-" I called as I began to follow him.

He didn't respond, but he shook his head back and forth violently. When he showed no signs of slowing down, I hurried to catch up to him before he reached the longer grass because I knew that it wasn't unusual for rattlesnakes to be lurking in the overgrown brush. As soon as my fingers wrapped around his arm, Eli turned on me and I was caught off guard when he used one of my own moves against me. Luckily he hadn't put enough force behind the punch to truly break my nose as intended, but it hurt like a motherfucker. I was glad when he didn't start walking away again, because I doubted I'd be able to catch him as quickly.

"You're a fucking coward, Mav!" he screamed. "I get that you don't want to be with me, but what about your friends?"

"They're not-"

Eli threw another punch, but I managed to grab his fist before it made contact. "Do you have any idea what I'd give to have what you have?"

"You do," I said as I eased Eli's fist down to my chest. "With Dom-"

"No I don't!" he shouted. "I fucked up any chance of being part of that family a long time ago."

Eli settled and tugged his hand free. His eyes dropped to study his bruised fist.

"What does that mean?" I asked, but Eli shook his head.

"If it's me who's keeping you from going back, then don't worry. I'm leaving Seattle as soon as I can get my stuff packed."

I stilled at that. "What are you talking about?"

"It was a mistake to go back there."

"Why? "

Another shake of his head and Eli was pushing past me. When I grabbed him, he tried to tug free of me, but he didn't lash out like he had before. "Tell me why."

"We're different, Mav," he said softly. "You didn't do anything to deserve what they did to you," Eli said as he motioned back in the direction of town. "I deserve everything I get."

Frustration coursed through me at the lack of answer, but when Eli's face went blank a moment later, I knew I wouldn't get anything else out of him. As soon as I released him, he began walking back towards the car. Once we were back on the road, the exhaustion hit me hard. Coming back to this hell hole had been the hardest thing I'd ever done, second to the moment I'd seen my mother's lifeless body under that sheet. I hadn't been at all surprised by my grandfather's reaction or the fact that he looked exactly like he had twenty years ago. What had surprised me was that I hadn't felt anything when he'd whispered the slur that I'd heard more times than I could count when I'd been a kid. I hadn't even felt the need to tell the man to fuck off like I'd wanted to so many times when I was little, but hadn't had the guts. I'd just wanted to get Eli out of there because I hadn't wanted any part of my former life touching him.

I glanced at Eli to see that he wasn't doing anything more than staring at the dashboard of the car. The picture of me and my mom that he'd picked up off the ground was carefully clutched between the fingers of one hand. I wished I could get him to talk to me, but what the hell could I say? Every single thing I'd said and done in the past twenty-four hours had only inflicted pain on him.

Fuck, could I really leave things like this? Could I really watch him get on that plane and never see him again? And what if I did go back to Seattle? Would it change anything if he wasn't there? Would I accept what I had finally started to believe – that I was finally a part of something that had been denied to me my entire life – only to find that it didn't mean anything if I couldn't share it with the one person who had made me actually want something besides my Harley and an open road?

Before I could think on what I was doing too much, I reached for my phone and called the pilot. When he answered I said, "Change of plans. We'll fly out in the morning."

"Of course, Mr. James. Just text me what time you'd like to depart and I'll take care of the rest."

"Will do," I said before hanging up. I glanced at Eli, but he didn't look like he'd even heard what I'd said. We drove for another hour before the exhaustion became too much. It was still early, barely two o'clock in the afternoon, but it didn't matter if we stopped now or closer to Rapid City. I picked the very next exit that had a motel and pulled off. We'd left the reservation, so the area was a little more populated and there was a small restaurant attached to the motel.

"Are you hungry?" I asked Eli. He shook his head in response, but that was it.

I left Eli in the car while I checked in, but when I started to say two rooms, I glanced back and saw that he was still sitting in the exact same position, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings. "One room," I said to the clerk. "Two beds," I added. I wanted to keep an eye on Eli, but I needed to keep some distance so I could fucking think. Yesterday, I'd been so sure about my plan to leave Seattle for good, but between Jonas's words about not telling fate to fuck off and Eli calling me out on my cowardice, the seeds of doubt had been planted.

Eli was on auto-pilot from the moment I parked the car in front of our room. He placed his things on one side of the long dresser, toed off his shoes and then went to the bed and crawled between the covers, putting his back to me. I spent a few minutes sending texts to Ronan and Mace to let them know everything was done and that we'd be flying out the next day, but I didn't say anything about whether or not I would be joining Eli on the flight back. I set my phone on silent and then put it down on the nightstand. I stared at Eli's back. I needed to leave him alone. But just like the night before, my body had a mind of its own and I went to his bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress so that my hip was pressed up against his backside.

"Eli," I said softly. "Would you please look at me? "

Eli took several long seconds to finally roll over onto his back. I braced my hand on the bed next to his hip. "Tell me how to not hurt you anymore," I whispered as I reached up to brush his hair from his forehead.

His dark eyes held mine for a long time and I was glad to see a little bit of light come back into them. "Promise me you'll go back to Seattle. Even if it's not tomorrow or if you have to wait till I've left, promise you'll go back and give them a chance." When I didn't respond, Eli sat up and cupped my face. "They won't turn their backs on you, Mav," Eli whispered and then he kissed me gently. "Trust me, okay?"

I nodded, because my throat felt too tight for words. Eli swiped his thumb back and forth over my jaw a couple times before he released me and lay back down. I didn't stop him when he turned back on his side. Anxiety rolled through me as I realized what I'd just agreed to and the jumble of emotions had me stumbling to my feet and searching out my bag. I'd take a shower to clear my head and then get some sleep. Then maybe I could figure everything out.

But as I reached for my bag which was sitting on the dresser near Eli's, I saw the picture I'd discovered in my mother's purse the night before when I'd gone through her personal possessions that the cops had given me. I hadn't looked at the picture for more than a few seconds, despite the surprise of finding it in her purse. From the condition of the photograph, I could tell it had been handled numerous times. Without thinking about it too much, I grabbed the picture and took it with me as I headed for the bathroom. I turned on the water for the shower and while I waited for it to heat up, I sat down on the closed toilet and stared at the image of the woman who'd been the first one to teach me that I would never quite be enough.