Chapter 32
32
Mack
Everything hurts and I'm mopey, but I'm still somehow hopeful for the future. With Davey gone, I spend extra time making sure to smother Kiera and Van in love. I read, a lot, and fill my days with lunch dates and looking up cooking recipes.
I'm no master chef, and I pretty much hate getting home from work and having to think of what to make, but I love feeding my family, and the smile on Davey's face when he ate a terrible version of his gran's pudding was worth all the headaches to make it.
So I want to try putting real effort into it. Maybe I'll still hate it, but maybe, if I plan ahead, I can view it as less of a task and more another piece of what makes me me .
Davey and I also text all day and talk for hours at night. As soon as he's back in his hotel room and the kids are tucked away in bed, we shamelessly get ourselves off on a video call. I'm not sure if the extra attention is making things better or worse.
I miss him so deeply that even though I'm working on myself, even though I'm focusing on things I love, none of those things are hitting close to the comfort I need from them.
"Holy shit, did you hear?" Tonya shrieks, jumping out at me and all but hurricaning the things on my desk. "Rhonda's retiring!"
I blink. Shake my head. Blink again. "But she's only fifty-nine."
Tonya throws up both hands. "Apparently, some relative died and left her a wad of cash, so she's packing it up and moving somewhere hot."
"Somewhere hot is the dream."
"Someone dying and leaving me money is mine."
Well, that's morbid. I shoot her a look, idea starting to take hold. "Do … do you know … will they advertise for Rhonda's position, do you think?"
"I assume so. They should just give it to you though."
"Me?" My cheeks flush. "What about you?"
"Well, I don't want it. Even if I did, I don't do half of the things around here that you do. What was the newest idea you started this month?"
"Coffee and cakes?"
Tonya rolls her eyes. "Who else would have gotten Art de Almeida to agree to delivering a coffee and cakes order for the group meetings we have here. We have three orders today."
Is it stupid that something so simple makes me excited? The cleanup will take longer, but knowing that people genuinely like my idea gives me a boost of pride.
"You really don't want the manager position? "
Tonya hurries to shake her head. "I like the limited hours and lack of responsibility, thanks." She looks like she wants to say more.
"What is it?"
"Well … how would Davey feel if you were working full-time?"
"He'd support me." I'm sure about that because he doesn't know how to be any other way. "It'd mean putting Van into care a few more days a week, and I'm … I'm torn on that."
"Well, we've had to wait for Rhonda's dead aunt/uncle/whoever to drop dead for this position to come available. I don't think you can count on that happening again."
"I know …"
She leaves, and I'm left to stew in my thoughts. The whole point in Davey working the way he does is so that I don't have to overdo it and can make sure our kids are raised by us and not someone else. We're so fucking lucky that we have that option. But this position … I want it. I'd be amazing at it. It would mean working five full days a week though, which not only takes me away from Van through the day, and both of them some afternoons, but it also means no more one-on-one time with Davey when he's home.
Am I understanding how conflicted he could be over work and family? I sure fucking am. I groan and press my fingers into my eyes. If only this job paid better and I could take over for Davey for a while, but even full-time, it wouldn't stretch to all of our expenses.
Sure enough, that afternoon, Rhonda's resignation announcement comes through. I'm thrilled for her, but she doesn't say much about how the position will be filled or who will take over for her or anything. What if my new boss ends up being a total dick ?
Rhonda always left us alone for the most part. She, Tonya, and I are like a little family, and sure, there are two other people who work here on the weekends, but I rarely see them. It's always the three of us.
My need to cling to anything familiar and resist change is coming in strong.
I force it away.
That night, after jerking off and telling Davey I love him, we're both lying there, me in cold pajamas, on either side of our phones, a peaceful silence settling around us when I say, "Rhonda quit today."
"Rhonda … your boss?"
I nod, not looking at the screen. "Yeah … Tonya thinks I should apply for her spot."
"Do it."
I glance up at his immediate eagerness. "But?—"
"Do it."
I huff a laugh. "You're amazing, but there's a lot to think about. To work out. What do we do with Van? And Kiera? When would I even see you during the times you're home? And am I even good enough? I don't have formal training—some people go to college for this stuff, but I was hired off the street."
"That's an exaggeration," he teases. "Look, there are always, always reasons not to do something." He pauses to allow for a steadying breath. "But do you want it, Mack?"
"I … I think so."
"Then apply. Maybe you don't get it, but maybe you do. It'll happen the way it's supposed to, and if you get the job, we'll work out the rest."
"You're amazing. You know that?"
Davey chuckles. "You only tell me that every time we speak." He runs a hand down his face, and the tightness around his eyes makes him look more stressed than ever. "Look, I need to get some sleep, but if you want the job, take it." His voice gets more tense. "When I get home … there's a lot we need to talk about."
"Well, that doesn't sound good."
He bares his teeth. "Not … not good. It's a conversation we need to have in person, but it has nothing directly to do with us and where our relationship is."
"I'm not sure that made it sound any better."
A smile tugs at the corners of his lips. "You asked me to trust you, remember? To not ask questions and that you'd tell me when you could."
"This doesn't feel like the same thing though."
"Maybe not, but will you trust me anyway?"
Trust him? When my gut is in knots? When I'm scared that whatever he's going to say is going to tear us apart again, no matter what he said? "Do you still love me?" I whisper.
"More than ever."
The absolute truth in his tone eases my anxiety. "Then yeah. I trust you. Of course."
"I can't wait to be back there with you," he says.
I know what he means. The talking and texting and sex is great, but it only makes me ache to hold him more. It's easy to see why I got to the point of divorce the first time because my need to be with him is already eating at me.
The difference this time is that I won't let it take over.
"I miss you. So much. But I'm here waiting."
"You've always been too good to me."
That comment is so stupid I almost laugh. "No, I haven't. But I'm determined to give you everything you deserve from now on. "
He blinks at the screen, and it feels like he's staring right at me and not some stupid camera. "I promise you exactly the same."
We hang up, and I drop my phone to my chest, exactly over the place it hurts. Just one more week.
I only need to make it through one more week until he's home.