Chapter 20

20

Mack

The whole morning at work, I can't stop smiling. Davey and I want to be together, so I'm going to make it work. After setting up for the knitting club, I return to my desk and open my old pal Google.

The determination is thrumming in my veins, and I think I'm scaring Tonya by how upbeat I'm being. I'm never normally in a bad mood, exactly, but ever since Davey got home, I've been … unsettled. With all these what-ifs in my brain, it feels like my head is too full, and I'm so focused on the stuff floating through it to worry about things like smiling at people and not constantly whining.

But today, I'm so happy I can feel it in my bones.

I spoke with Luke earlier, and we agreed that while the date was fun, there was nothing romantic about it. I'm still glad it happened, though, because it was a real slap to the face to remember I used to be a whole person, and I'm getting the sneaky feeling that I put so much pressure on Davey being here for me because I wasn't here for myself. He was my life raft.

That's not how a relationship is supposed to be.

I keep going to twist my wedding band around my finger, but I haven't put it back on yet, and I'm not sure I want to. If I'm going to be me, I need to let go of our failed marriage and focus on what comes next.

Me:

What's ONE hobby you guys like to do?

Payne:

Art, don't say s ? —

Art:

Sex.

Payne:

You were asking for that one.

I laugh because he's right. When it comes to Art, I know I need to be more specific.

Me:

Fine. Because someone needs guidelines, something other than sex or anything sexual or immature or gross. Things that would be listed specifically as hobbies in the dictionary.

Griff:

I don't think you know how dictionaries work.

Orson :

What's going on? This is a random question even for you.

Me:

I went out with Luke and when he asked me to talk about myself, I had nothing. I don't want to have nothing.

Payne:

As in things that we do in our free time, just for us? Beau colors in. I like to go for a run or play with my nieces. Plan out more fun for Killer Adventures.

Me:

See? See how easy that was for you?

Orson:

Are we going to skip over the part where you went out with someone who wasn't Davey?

Me:

That's not important.

Keller:

Considering Davey's all we've heard about for the last few weeks and you're still madly in love with him, it's kind of important.

I take a measured breath, trying not to get frustrated. I've already mentally moved on from all of this, but I suppose reading my mind isn't something they've mastered yet, which seems like an oversight on their behalf.

Me:

I wanted to see if it was possible to move on. It isn't. Luke and I are happy as friends. Davey never wanted to get divorced, and then we had sex, and I've decided I'll be traveling with him when he leaves, but I want to work out all the details first before I say anything. Before all that, I need to make sure I have a life outside of him. Apparently that's something I've lost, and I'd like to not be a terrible partner when I'm following him all over the country. All caught up?

Payne:

I have so many questions.

Me:

Well, put a pin in it. Hobbies, please?

Orson:

I like to dance. Ford has his cars he works on.

Griff:

I whittle.

Keller:

Work out, do crosswords, cook.

Me:

See? I don't have any of that! Davey has his LEGO, and I cook because I like being the one to feed my family, but I hate the actual cooking part

Orson:

You like to read though, right?

The question catches me off guard. I'm not sure when I would have even mentioned that to him, or maybe Orson just picks up on things most people don't.

Me:

I used to. It's been a while .

My gaze runs over the rows and rows of books all around me.

Me:

With the kids, I'm always getting interrupted. So I sort of gave up trying. The thought of getting into it again is … intimidating.

Art:

Because you're placing too much pressure on it. You're not getting into it "all," you're picking up a book. One book. Then maybe opening the cover. This isn't a fucking marriage, it's a hobby, and for what it's worth, I agree. You do need your own thing. Joey and I have separate lives outside of each other, and it means we always have stuff to talk about. Being apart makes us stronger together.

I'm stunned as I read over the message. Art's managed to put into words exactly what I've been struggling with. I don't want the same physical distance as before, but Davey always got to be his own person, and I think I resented that. I never asked him about his job, and when he tried to talk to me about things, I didn't want to hear it.

Fuck, even when he said he had to go back early, I completely shut down.

While I was stewing at home because I was overworked, what the hell was Davey going through?

That's it. No more. I'm fixing my shit and no longer blaming Davey for our relationship problems .

Payne:

I don't know whether to be impressed by Art's message, or make a call for a welfare check.

Art:

Penisssss.

Orson:

There he is.

I smile and pocket my phone. That might have been a tangent I wasn't expecting when I messaged them, but Art confirmed my thoughts, and Orson nudged me in the direction I was avoiding thinking about myself.

I leave my desk and the how to homeschool tab behind and make my way into the stacks. We've got our history and geography sections up front and most of the fiction down the back. Tonya's always sneaking in time to read at work for research , so there's no reason why I can't do the same whenever I get a free five minutes.

The fantasy aisle calls to me, and I step into it, breathing in the smell of books. Chatter from the knitting club just behind me breaks up the silence. I run my fingers along spine-cracked books, hoping that one will jump out at me. Anything.

I could pick up The Hobbit again, but the thought of diving into something that detailed makes me exhausted already. Am I in the mood for dragons? Epic fantasy? Intricate worldbuilding? I'm waiting for an impulse, for my hand to find a book and be like "this one," but that doesn't happen.

There are too many, and I'm overwhelmed by the choices available. Maybe I should have googled this too? For a librarian, I really don't have up-to-date knowledge on the new bookish trends .

Fuck, am I a bad librarian as well as a bad husband? All I need is to be a sucky dad as well for my whole life to crumble apart.

Already overwhelmed, I drop down to the floor and lean against the books behind me, craning my neck to look up at all the options.

"Oh, there you are, love. We're off," Judith says, pausing at the top of the aisle. She's got a pink rinse in her hair, and her knitting glasses are still on, making her look slightly bug-eyed. "Come now, why are you on the floor?"

I smile up at her. "Just thinking."

"And it's easier from down there, is it?"

"It's more that the weight of it all got me into this position."

Judith tsks. "My husband used to say you've gotta keep a strong back. You're not going to get one all hunched over like that."

Ignoring the generational gaps in that comment, I change the subject. "I thought you still had another half an hour."

"Well, we were supposed to, but then Freida got on Maree about whose quilt was going to be voted first at the fair, and it became a whole thing. The two of them are like bulls locked at the horns. I'll never understand it, myself." She turns her nose up. "Always been perfectly agreeable. My husband always used to say, delicate like a flower, I am."

If there's anything Judith isn't, it's a flower. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll go and deal with the room."

"Good lad. We'll see you next week."

She bustles away, and I sigh, pushing myself up from the floor, about to grab a random book and take a gamble.

Then, an author's name catches my attention.

Beau Rickshaw .

Holy fuck. Beau! I'd always planned on picking up something of his, but then life filled up, and it totally slipped my mind. I have no idea what these books are about, but a quick glance at the blurb looks promising. Not quite Tolkien heavy, but definitely some sort of fantasy aspect.

I tuck it under my arm, then deal with the pitchers of water and empty glasses in the meeting room before setting it all back out into its generic layout. We don't have to use it again until a meeting tomorrow, so I lock up and walk back out to my desk, flipping through the book. It's got a bio of Beau inside the back cover, and it's so weird to see someone I know smiling from the inside of a book.

This is freaking cool.

Am I nervous I won't like it? A little bit. But if I don't mention to him or Payne that I have it, we don't need to deal with that awkward conversation if the book isn't for me. I'm well aware I'm putting a lot of pressure on my friend to get me back into something I used to love, so he doesn't need to know that too.

I drop down into my desk chair and wake up my computer before I turn to set the book down again. Except there, in the spot I was going to set it, is a copy of The Hobbit .

I frown at the offending book, not finding it so cute this time. Luke and I agreed to be friends. That's it. So if there's another cutesy love note in there, that's going to confuse the hell out of me. I'll probably have to have an awkward conversation, and then how do I even be friends with him if I don't trust him to drop it?

Right before I can cross into actual stress mode, I pick up the book to see if there's even a note in this one.

And of course there is.

Fuck. Right. Well .

I can either ignore it, or I can check and hope that it's a platonic message full of totally bro type of, umm, things. A Merry and Pippin of notes, if you will.

I brace myself and pull out the scrap of paper, gaze scanning over the words and gut slowly collapsing out through my ass.

Bilbo didn't give up. And neither will I.

Well, fuck.

That doesn't sound good.

Either this is from Luke and I really, really misjudged the man.

Or it's from someone else and I'm going to end up in their basement somewhere.

I pull out my desk drawer and stow that note on top of the others, reasoning that this could be a very old note, and maybe I've been too distracted to notice the book sitting there before today. If Luke left it before our date, that's totally not a single problem. Probably.

Focusing on work doesn't come easily for the rest of the day.