Chapter 12

12

Mack

Hey, universe? It would be great if I could stop making stupid choices. K, thanks.

When you question whether camping in winter is the dumbest part of your weekend, you know you're in real trouble.

I wasn't thinking beyond how much I fucking love that man, but even though I said I wouldn't regret it, I kind of do. Because now I fucking hurt .

Not regular-level hurt.

The kind of deep hurt that makes your soul exhausted. That comes with knowing the man you love loves you just as much, but the two of you are stuck in a stalemate, and there's no way forward.

A future without Davey doesn't seem like a future at all.

I torture myself, not for the first time, or the first hundredth time, with the question of why we aren't enough? He and the kids are everything to me. Why can't we be that for him?

I huff as I finish setting up one of the meeting rooms at work back to the standard layout. The knitting club likes to have a more relaxed feel in here for their weekly gossip, and unfortunately, their weekly gossip happened to include me.

Because Luke came in at lunchtime to see me.

Telling them, over and over, that he's just a friend was as useless as telling them the kids don't need any more scarves.

Part of the problem is me.

My heart is with Davey, but I know that I can't keep living that way. I know that I should be opening up my life to other experiences—especially since I'm now risking what happened last night to happen again—but how do I ask for that side of me back? Not only will it be the hardest words I've ever spoken, but it'll kill him.

It'd kill me even more if he agreed. If he moved out of our home. Stopped spending time together as a family. Stopped with the hugging and the movies and gaining energy by being in the same space as him.

Even though we're divorced, I've never felt like we're separated.

Davey isn't my ex-husband; he's the man I need to survive.

I sigh, leaning at the desk just as Tonya's walking past. She freezes in the doorway and glances back over her shoulder toward me.

"You okay?"

"Fine."

"Uh-huh." Her harsh black bob looks like a wig when she turns to me, and it sways as one. "Interesting that you're sighing so heavily after being visited today by a certain someone. "

"Leave it alone," I say, warning in my tone.

She chews on her lip like she's debating whether to say anything, then throws her hands up in surrender. "Fine. How are the kids?"

My smile is automatic. "Amazing. They're loving having Daddy home. We put up the tree yesterday, and it was …" I don't have the words for how it felt to step foot into the living room, where Davey, Kiera, and Van were waiting, bright red Christmas shirts standing out against all the white. My heart flipped out all over the place, and it was a real effort not to cry.

But trying to explain to Tonya what he did and what it means to me won't work. Because there are too many details, and I'm worried I won't be able to hold back that we slept together. That nugget of information is all but bursting from me.

I might need to visit my friends and let it all out because otherwise I'm likely to blurt it to the damn knitting club, and then it'll be all over town by the time I clock out.

She hums, then carefully asks, "And how is the ex-husband settling back in? Sick of him yet?"

I scowl. "Never. The house doesn't feel right unless he's home."

"So … the winter festival is coming up in a few weeks …"

"Yeah, do you need help, or?"

"No, it's all organized. I was just going to point out that it's a magical night, and if you wanted to take a certain someone, I'd be happy to take Kiera and Van around for a few hours."

"Really?" My heart jumps at the thought of spending that time with Davey. It fits perfectly with my plan of reminding him how perfect home is.

I ignore the little voice telling me to let it go and beam at Tonya instead. "You're an angel, you know that? I'll let Davey know."

She cocks her head. "Davey?"

"Yeah …" My excitement dims. "That we'll have a few hours to ourselves …"

"Oh." She tucks her hair behind her ears. "Only, I was sort of thinking it might be a nice date location."

"Exactly."

Her eyes almost jump from her head. "For you to go on. Romantically."

"Right."

Tonya face-palms. "Sure, yes, with Davey, sounds good."

I finally catch on to what she was implying. "Wait. With Luke?"

"Well, him or some other guy. It doesn't matter much to me. You're a catch, dude. You should be capitalizing on that."

My whole face goes hot. "No, I … I'm not ready."

"Will you ever be?" she asks kindly.

"I told you, I want Davey back. No one else."

She crosses to sit next to me. "And I'm supportive. I really am. I'm here for whatever will make you happy, but, like, I'm just saying … maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing to have a backup plan?"

"Why would I need one?"

"What's your ideal outcome?"

"That he quits work and is home full-time. Then we can be together again."

She's chewing on her lip again.

"Out with it."

Tonya can't look at me when she says, "That's not fair."

"What isn't?"

"Asking him again. You made him choose once, and he did. What, you're going to back him into a corner and do it again? You're either going to make him feel terrible for having to choose his work again, or he chooses you, moves here, and then regrets it."

"He wouldn't regret it."

She lifts hard eyes, and each word is slow. "Mack. If that's the case, why didn't he do it the first time?"

"Because … because he …"

"Please don't do it. Nothing would make me happier than to see you and Davey together. You guys were couple goals, but if you force him into that place again, I don't see it going well. If he chooses you, it needs to be because he makes that decision."

I huff, that old resentment rising to the surface. "How could he do it? How could he put his job first? It's a job. We're his family. How, Tonya? I'll never get it."

"And that's your biggest problem."

"What is?"

"You don't get it." She gives me a sad smile. "It's not just a job to him. He's worked his ass off to get to where he is. He's put everything aside to get this promotion and make more time at home. If it wasn't for his job, where would you live? I know for a fact your salary doesn't cover that big, pretty house. What would you do with the kids if you had to work full-time hours? Would you even get those here, or would you need to find another job?" She looks resigned. "I hate that he didn't choose you. Truly. But I also don't think you're being fair to him. If he did what you wanted and left, moved home, your life would look a lot different. Would you guys have been in a place to get through that?" Tonya shrugs. "There's no way to know. But if you didn't, and things ended badly, and he'd walked away from the career he'd spent his whole life building, what would he have left? The kids are amazing, being a parent is a blessing—if you want that—but they can't be your whole life."

I scrub at my cheeks with both hands. "It sort of sounds like you're taking his side in all this."

She snorts and gives me a shove. "I'm always on your side, but every now and then, Mack, you need someone to pull that head of yours out of your ass. You're an idealist. You live in this golden world where everything is easy. Sorry to be the one to give you a dose of reality, but you needed it before you put your heart on the line again."

"Then what do you think I should do?"

"Keep being there for him. Keep hoping. Keep trying to remind him how much he loves you. But don't push. And just in case Davey does leave again, look at your options. Including one overenthusiastic cutie who has hearts in his eyes for you."

I thank her, and she leaves, dumping a whole load of thought on my mind. It's not weight I'd been prepared to carry around today, but as much as I hate having to shoulder it all, she brought up some very good points. Ones I hadn't thought of. I try to picture Davey here, in Kilborough, full-time. Every other time I've done this, all I see is coming home to happy faces, and the four of us at the dinner table and going to the park, and sitting up with him after the kids have fallen asleep.

That's what it's always been like. Those two weeks where he's home are perfection, so I've always assumed that would be normal for us.

If he's home more, would we fight more? Before I started getting resentful about him being gone, we never had any issues.

If he's here, would he find a job on the same income? Unlikely. It's a small town. It makes sense that I'd have to pick up more work to fill those gaps, and the library doesn't have room for that. I love this job, and the thought of leaving gives me that little bit of uncomfortable awareness of what Davey went through. Probably still goes through.

Kiera and Van would be in school more. Or with Davey's parents. That means a lot less time with their dads. I know that's how a lot of families have to manage things, but it's always been a point of pride that I'm there for every big and small moment the two of them have. If it wasn't for Davey missing Van's first steps, would it have been me? Both of us?

I've always held a slight chip of irritation that he wasn't there.

How would I have felt if I wasn't?

Devastated. That's how.

Fuck, is that how Davey feels about missing it?

I'm irritable as I reach the front desk, not liking this blinding look in the mirror.

It takes me a couple of seconds to notice the copy of The Hobbit sitting there.

There's no way …

I pick it up, and sure enough, there's a note poking out of the top.

Luke was here earlier, so it makes sense that he left another one, but I didn't notice it after he'd gone. So he snuck back and hid it, just so I'd find it on my own.

I stare at the slip of paper, not sure I want to touch it.

My realizations about Davey are blinding, and I don't have the mental space for anything else. But Tonya did say that it's worth having a backup plan.

And I do like Luke.

It's hard not to view this as a sign.

With a huge inhale, I tug out the paper.

Why don't you ask a Hobbit for money ?

They're always short.

I grin at the joke and keep reading.

Sorry for the stupid jokes, I just like to see you smile. You're impossible to look away from when you're happy.

I blink at the words, smile sinking from my face.

All I want is a sweet man who'll love me like I love them. I want that man to be Davey.

But …

I read through the note again, then slip it into my drawer.

Maybe it's time to start being smart.

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on Davey to fix everything for me when I'm the only one who can do that.