Chapter 61

Ash

T hankfully, everything in the hospital went smoothly, and a few hours later, we were discharged. Soren was rather sleepy, and taking him back to his home wasn't easy, but we'd managed.

"The keys are in my—"

"Your pocket, I know," I chuckled, already pulling them out and unlocking the door. The house alarm beeped, and I turned to turn it off. He hadn't changed the code, my birthday , and the alarm went off once I typed the numbers in.

"Haven't you thought about changing it?" I asked Soren, who was holding on to me for support. All the medicine he was given had made him drowsy.

"Why should I?"

"It's been years."

"Well, it's still your house," he said before clearing his throat. "Mind helping me to the shower? All I can think about is how dirty I am."

Nodding, I held his waist tightly as we began walking.

"Do you need me to bring you anything?" I asked once he got into the shower. At first, he said no, but then he asked for his robe, which was hanging in his bedroom. Nodding, I closed the bathroom door behind me and went straight there, searching for the robe. Easily enough, I found it hanging in Soren's closet, right where he always kept it. That man… He loved it when things had their own place. Living with four teenagers and Kai, order had become a foreign word. My house was a twenty-four-seven mess with all their things scattered around everywhere. Last night, I went to bed only to find Jess's tablet poking my back. How did it get into my room? I had no idea, but that was Jess for you.

With the robe in my hands, I turned to go back when something caught my attention, forcing me to a full stop. Blinking my eyes to ensure I was seeing correctly, I moved closer to his famous photo wall, which was now empty. Maybe I was confusing things, and this wasn't the same wall? No way . I knew every inch of this house, and without a doubt, two hundred and twenty photos were once hung on this exact wall. But why would Soren take them down? After all, he couldn't fall asleep without counting them. I hadn't noticed this change when I'd come here for sex; too caught up with getting fucked, I didn't care for anything but my need to be consumed by Soren.

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach with this dramatic change, which left me with some questions. Soren calling me from the bathroom snapped me out of my thoughts, and I went back to him. Done with his shower, he looked so exhausted that I decided to ask about the wall later. Because of the late hour and his state, I took him straight to his bed.

His body relaxed once his back hit the mattress, and he let out a sigh of relief.

"God, what a day." He moved a hand over his forehead, his eyes already closed.

"I know… How are you feeling?" I asked, sitting down on the edge of the mattress right beside him.

Because of all the medicine, he was a bit dopey, which was adorable, especially when he fell asleep midsentence, as he did earlier in the car.

"Embarrassed." He chuckled, then coughed, trying to keep his eyes open. "I nearly died from a mushroom."

"Don't speak if it's too hard," I said, brushing his dark hair away from his brows. Soren relaxed at the touch and settled more comfortably on the bed. His robe was slightly open, exposing his chest, which was still slightly red from the rash. However, the swelling on his face and lips was beginning to subside, thanks to the treatment.

"Thank you for helping me home," he said as he wrapped his fingers around my wrist. "But you should go home and rest yourself."

Despite telling me to go, he only held on to me stronger.

"I don't want to leave you alone."

He smiled. "I'll be fine, Ashton. I can take care of myself."

Why do I find it hard to believe you? He'd been alone for seven long years and claimed to do just fine by himself, and yet, his hands held on to me so desperately. They always did.

"I'm also afraid that if I go home, I might murder Kai," I sighed, then shut my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down. Thinking about his stupidity pissed me off beyond words. "I'm sorry about dinner," I added.

"Don't worry. Mistakes happen. And I won't sue if that's what you're scared of." He winked, and I smacked his arm.

"I wasn't talking just about that… but everything. Kai—" I rubbed my face. "I can't even defend him. I have no idea why he'd act so pitifully."

"Because he loves you."

Listening to him was a pinch to the heart, and I stared back at him, not knowing what to say. For months, I'd tried to avoid getting involved with Soren, telling myself we had to focus on the trial. Now that Diesel was free and gone, I no longer had excuses and had to face reality as it was: I was involved with two men at the same time.

Two men I cared deeply about. I knew it was naive of me, but still, all I wanted was for this tangle to be resolved without anyone getting hurt.

"I'm going to come clean and tell him that we slept together," I said, my body already tightening with anxiety and fear over Kai's anticipated reaction.

Soren grabbed my hand, softly stroking my skin with his thumb, and I wondered when his touch turned this warm. After all, he used to be my winter.

"If it helps, I think he already knows."

Soren was probably right. Kai wasn't an idiot, and I was a lousy liar. He'd probably realized something was going on, and this awful dinner was his attempt to get back at Soren. It was petty and childish but suited Kai's character.

"We're not having kids, by the way. He brought up this crazy idea, and I—"

"You don't need to explain yourself to me, Ashton. You have every right to want a family."

But I want it with you, not him. That was the first thought that came into my head, and it scared me. It scared me because I wasn't ready to break Kai's heart, nor was I prepared to fall back in love with Soren. Although, I was afraid it was already too late for the latter.

"Maybe you should delay your flight by a few days? You're not in any condition to travel." I blatantly changed the subject, hoping it would ease the amount of guilt twisting my gut.

"I'll be fine by Sunday."

Disappointment took over me, and my heart sank because I'd hoped to have a few more days with him.

"Who will take care of you there if something happens?"

Soren laid his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. "If I need help, I'll just give you a call." He smiled, but it was all goofy and lazy, as if he was on the verge of dozing off again. I wanted to cover him up and let him sleep when he kept mumbling. "Just make sure my number isn't blocked."

"What do you mean?" I asked after I got up to tuck him under the blanket.

Soren yawned, burying his head in the pillow. "You know…" Another yawn. "Like it was back then."

"When have I ever blocked your number?" I asked, my eyes narrowed down on him.

Soren half opened his eyes.

"What?" He sounded so confused, and I assumed he was so tired that he had no clue what he'd just mumbled.

"It's nothing. Go to sleep." I leaned close and kissed his forehead. "I'll see you in the morning." Ready to move, Soren grabbed my hand, holding me close.

"Don't fly away, little Sparrow. Stay with me," he whispered ever so gently, his words falling to my ears like a prayer, coating my soul with the love I'd forgotten. Finally happy that he was telling me what he truly wanted, I didn't leave; instead, I stripped down to my boxer briefs and climbed onto the bed with him.

I snuggled close to him, my arms wrapped around his already sleeping body. He was so warm and soft, the man I had loved for years, but only slightly different. As I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his neck, gently kissing him, I knew that tomorrow, I'd have hard decisions to face.

I wasn't even out of my truck when the front door to the house slammed open, and Kai came out running toward me.

"Where have you been?" he asked, both of his hands clenching the truck's door as he leaned through the open window, not giving me any space.

With eyes heavy with sleep, I turned off the engine, still not looking at him. Since my head was flooded with thoughts, I'd barely had any sleep last night.

Kai opened the car door at the same time I unbuckled myself. "Give me some space to breathe," I asked of him because he was practically in my face.

I climbed out of the truck, and of course, he was already onto me.

"Not until you tell me where the fuck you were, Ashy."

I lifted my gaze from the ground to meet his furious face. His eyes were bloodshot red, with dark circles underneath them. Shit . He looked even worse than I did.

"I stayed with Soren after you nearly killed him," I hissed with venom as I started to walk toward the house. On top of all the other crap I had to deal with, the weather was especially shitty today. It rained through the whole night, and judging by the dark clouds covering the sky, it was probably about to start pouring again.

"I didn't poison him!" Kai shouted from behind me.

Jeez . He'd wake the whole house.

"Will you keep your voice down? It's early, and the boys are probably still asleep," I snapped, turning to look at him.

Kai's jaw clenched as he swallowed hard. He came out of it quickly enough as he grabbed my arm to pull me back. "I didn't poison him," he repeated himself, only quieter this time.

"But you were irresponsible, and that's just as bad."

On my drive back home, I'd promised myself not to get angry with Kai, but it was hard because the moment I saw his face, the anger I felt last night returned to me, and I wanted him out of my sight.

"Come on, Ashy," he tsked. "It was a fucking mistake."

"One that could have cost him his life, Kai. Do you even realize what could have happened?" Stepping into the house, I tossed my car keys into the small bowl near the door and then walked to the kitchen.

I need coffee .

"If you think about it, it was really his fault. He should have mentioned his allergies before he started stuffing his mouth like a pig."

My temples throbbed with anger, and I slowly turned to face him. "Seriously?"

Standing behind me with a straight face, he seemed oblivious to the situation. Instead of feeling some sort of remorse or, at the very least, empathy for what happened to Soren, Kai's sole focus was on saving his own fucking ass. He didn't stay up all night because he was worried for Soren but for himself . It wasn't guilt eating his insides but jealousy. Ugly jealousy he'd held on to ever since he first saw Soren kissing me at Rob's restaurant years ago.

"I told you about his allergies more than enough times during the last week," I said, focusing back on the point. "And if not for you talking nonsense about us having a kid, maybe Soren wouldn't have been too distracted not to notice what he was eating."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, the man is kissing forty, and you treat him like some fucking baby."

I took a step toward him until I was in his face, my finger pressed against his chest. "Among the three of us, you're the only one acting like a petty child," I hissed, unable to hold back my anger.

Kai's brows narrowed, and he seemed hurt, not that I was surprised. When it came to his own ego, he sure as fuck knew how to show empathy.

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked, voice high with nerves, as I let him go and walked away.

"To make myself a cup of coffee."

He followed me into the kitchen. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for fucking up lately."

"You know, at some point, after tossing it around so easily, the word ‘sorry' loses its meaning."

I pulled out my favorite mug from the cabinet and began making my drink. Putting my attention on the coffee helped me to calm down. Fighting wouldn't get us anywhere, and at the end of the day, Kai was acting out because I'd hurt him. Yes , he was selfish and careless as always, but it didn't take away from the things I'd done.

The coffee machine let out a noise as it began filling my mug with the warm brew, the aroma spreading around us, adding more to the already thick air.

"I don't want to fight," I said, my hands on the counter. "So I'll just say it—"

"Wait." Kai hugged me from the back and rested his forehead on my shoulder. "Just wait with what you were about to say."

"Kai—"

"I love you, Ashy. I love you so fucking much."

My heart sank, and my throat dried with the words I held in.

" This is over " was what I needed to say but couldn't, so instead, I swallowed back my words. Kai only held me tighter, his body wrapping around me like a blanket. Only it didn't make me feel warm and loved but cold and desperate. But it wasn't always like this. In the past, Kai was as warm as the sun, and knowing that I was the one who turned his touch into ice broke me. Before everything began, he was summer. My summer . But somehow, we'd managed to fuck it up. Did we ever stand a chance? I had no idea. What I did know was that we couldn't keep going the way we were, tiptoeing around each other, acting like everything was okay while it wasn't. Kai was never the kind of person to be in a relationship, and even if he was, I never gave him a chance. Not a real one, anyway. And despite knowing all that, breaking this hug was nearly impossible because imagining my life without him was unthinkable.

With my coffee all but forgotten, I took a deep breath and turned to face him, ready to at least try and tell him a fraction of what I was feeling, when I noticed the blood on his face.

"Jeez, you have a nosebleed," I said, already reaching to grab a paper towel to clean him up.

Taking it from my hands, Kai held it to his nose, trying to stop the bleeding. "Shit," he hissed, the blood dripping down to his shirt. "It's probably 'cause I didn't drink enough water."

"Doesn't matter. Just go wash it up," I ordered him, thankful for this little extra time I'd just received. Maybe this was God telling me not to make rash decisions. Who knew? I wasn't much of a believer, but looking for a divine sign was easier than making my own choices.

"Wait here, okay?" he said while holding his head up so he wouldn't drip all over.

"Just go before you bleed all over the floor."

Once he was out of the kitchen, I took a deep breath and then reached for a towel to clean up the bit of blood that got on the floor. I was almost done cleaning when a phone rang. At first, I thought it was Soren calling to check where I was, but instead, it was Kai's phone buzzing. He'd left it on the kitchen table, so I glanced to check who it was. Usually, the only one to call him this early was his restaurant, if something went wrong with delivery and such, except that the one calling was Zoe.

She always had the worst timing.

I debated with myself for a half second before I picked up the phone.

"Thank fuck you're finally answering," she said, sounding angry.

"Actually, it's me, not Kai." I ran my fingers through my hair, already regretting answering.

Because Kai asked me not to, I hadn't talked to Zoe about her bizarre request for Kai to father another one of her kids. And now, it stood on the tip of my tongue to tell her off, and I had to hold myself back from yelling something.

"Oh," Zoe spoke, sounding annoyed. "Well, shit. I need to talk to him. Is he around?"

"He can't talk right now, but I'll tell him to call you later."

She snorted. "As if he'll do that." It sounded like there was some beef going on between them.

Maybe she was angry because he turned her down?

"Can you tell him that I need to know if Paris can come next month? I've been waiting for his answer for almost two weeks now, and he keeps ignoring me. That man… Jesus." She sighed. "Summer is almost over, and this is literally the only time I have to go with Dave on a short vacation, just the two of us. I love Paris, but I deserve some time with my boyfriend, no?"

I kept forgetting that in Australia, summer lasts between December and February, but hold on, did she say Dave ? As in her so-called boyfriend Dave?

"Didn't you guys break up?" I asked, confused because that was what Kai told me.

"What? Of course not." She sounded impatient. "Why would I break up with the first man to treat me right? Seriously. Being with him only proves to me how lucky I am to have dodged the bullet with your idiot."

What the hell?

So, what Kai told me about her wanting another kid from him was a blunt lie? But why? Why would he make up such a story? My blood froze as realization sank in, and I nearly dropped the phone. Kai lied to manipulate me. Again . He wanted to push me into a corner he knew would make me feel guilty and make it harder for me to leave him. He didn't want more kids; it was just another way for him to keep me by his side where it suited him.

"Listen, I didn't mean to sound so mean," Zoe said, probably thinking my lack of response was because I was hurt. Well, I was, only not because of her.

"It's all cool, Zoe. I need to go now." I didn't wait for her to speak back before I ended the call. A feeling of betrayal pierced me like a knife, quickly turning into rage—thick, bubbly fury that throbbed through my veins. But my anger didn't stop there because who knew what else he'd lied about. Breathing through my nose, I attempted to calm down but failed and only clenched the phone so hard it hurt.

I walked to my room, where Kai had just finished washing his face. "How's the nosebleed?" I asked, attempting to keep it down.

He tossed the used towel on the sink, the mess dancing on my nerves, and then gave me one of those goofy smiles of his. "It stopped, which is good 'cause I doubt we have tampons around here." He reached out to hold me when I shoved his phone in his chest.

"Zoe called you," I said and stepped back to my door, closing it so we'd be locked in this room until the truth came out.

"Did you speak to her?" he asked, voice casual.

I squeezed my eyes shut and released a breath before turning to face him. "Yeah, I did."

"Did you bring up the—"

"The what?" I cut in. "The imaginary baby? No, I didn't. She was too busy talking about her boyfriend."

Kai bit his lip and looked aside, probably calculating how he could get out of this. But his silence annoyed me beyond words, and I snapped.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, okay?" he hissed back, tossing his phone on the bed. "I saw you slipping away from me, so I wanted to show you that you still cared about me."

My eyes bulged. "Still cared?" I took a step toward him. "Are you out of your fucking mind? Who does that?" It wasn't just anger twisting my insides but pain over his betrayal. The fact that he used the one thing he knew would work on me. The one thing Soren never agreed to give me.

"I'm sorry, okay?" That empty word came out of his poisonous mouth again. "I panicked and lied. It was stupid, and I regret doing it." Reaching for me, he grabbed my arms and held me tight. His face was so close, all red and sweaty, as he continued to apologize, spitting the word "sorry" over and over again.

I then understood something. Kai wasn't carefree; he was careless. He wasn't easygoing but a selfish man who did whatever suited him at the moment. Mostly, he wasn't the good guy but a fucking liar.

"What else have you lied about?" I hissed.

"W-What?"

"I said, what else have you lied to me about?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. That was the only thing."

"Bullshit." I shoved him away from me, and he wobbled back.

Breaking our stare, I looked down at the floor and took a deep breath, my whole body vibrating. "If you believe that there's the slightest chance for us to be together, you better start talking."

"Ashy—"

"I mean it, Kai!" I raised my voice, not about to fall for his charm this time. And oh, was he charming. With that smile and his hair, rolling laughter, and sense of humor, it was impossible not to forgive him. Impossible not to look the other way and ignore his mistakes. But not anymore. I'd had enough of this bullshit.

"I don't know what to tell you," he said, keeping his arms close to his sides. Understanding it was my turn to speak, I nodded.

"Very well. So I'll ask." I crossed my arms over my chest and held my head high. "All the things you told me about Soren, him sending someone to beat up Jones. The stalking our house thing. Was any of it true?"

He nodded. "All of it. I can even show you the proof my guy sent me, like bank transactions Soren sent to the kids' school. He's a fucking lunatic, babe."

Bank transactions? What was that about? I would have to find out later because at that moment, it wasn't relevant.

"He's not a lunatic," I spat out, annoyance oozing through my words. "He's a good man who loves me."

"He's crazy." Kai's forehead creased as anger took over his features, turning his calm face tense and ugly. "Have you forgotten how he dumped you like yesterday's trash?" He attempted to step closer. "Did you forget who was there for you after he did?" Another step. "Who was the one to hug you on all those nights you couldn't sleep?" Another step. "Tell me, Ashy. Who the fuck was there for you?"

By now, he had me backed against the wall, his taller frame looming over me. "I protected you from him, don't you get it? If not for me, he would have dumped you a hundred times over."

His words struck me hard. "W-What do you mean?" My bottom lip quivered as fear took over every inch of me. "What did you do?"

Kai's jaw twitched as he looked at me through dreadful eyes. He looked dead crazy, and for a second, I was scared, but then I remembered I was also a strong man, just like him, if not stronger.

"What did you do?" I pushed him away from me, and he stumbled back until he fell on his ass. He grunted, and as he got back to his feet, Soren's mumbling from last night about blocking his number returned to me.

"Tell me you didn't block his number." In my heart, I prayed it was false and that it was all in my head, only it wasn't.

Looking the other way, Kai kept quiet, and that was all I needed to know.

"How could you do this?" I asked, unable to believe this shit. No wonder Soren never called me if Kai blocked his fucking number. "How could you do this to me?" I demanded, my voice louder.

"Because I loved you, for fuck's sake!" he shouted. "And still do, Ashy. I love you so much it hurts." In a second, he was on me again, his arms hugging me tight.

I was so stunned that pushing him away wasn't even an option, and instead, I just stayed frozen as he went on telling me things I wished I never knew.

"He came to see me?" I asked once he was done talking, my voice choked with tears. "He came to see me, and you pushed him away?"

Kai pulled back so he could meet my eyes. "You said to tell you the truth if I believe in us. And I do. So yes, Ash. I got rid of him back then, but I did it for you, for us , babe. And I would have done it all over again because he's wrong for you." He moved his thumb over my cheek to wipe away my tears.

"No." I raised my hands between us while shaking my head. "You're the one who's wrong for me." This time, when I pushed back, he didn't budge and instead grabbed my wrists in a lock hold.

"How can you say that?" he hissed, his mouth crimping. "After everything I've done for you. After all the years I wasted chasing you?"

"You lied to me, Kai— ouch !" I cried when he twisted my wrist in his hand until it hurt so bad.

"Who are you to lecture me?" Ignoring my pain, he leaned in closer, his spit hitting my face each time he spoke. "Who are you to talk about lies when you're the one going around letting him fuck you like a common whore?"

Shocked by his violence, I tried releasing myself, only for him to shove me so hard my back slammed against the wall, the force of the impact making me lose all the air in my lungs.

"You think I don't know you've been fucking him behind my back?" he rasped, and I had no fucking idea who this man standing above me was because this wasn't my Kai but a complete stranger— That's not true . I did know this version of Kai, only that I hadn't seen him in years. Not since he was—

"What are you high on?" I hissed, my whole body in pain.

"Oh, come on, babe. Give me some credit." He snorted, voice mean. "I'm not fucked-up, just pissed off my boyfriend is a fucking slut." He bent down to eye level with me. "We can always share you if that's what you want. I know your slutty ass is always hungry for a cock."

I raised my hand to slap him, but he grabbed my arm before I could.

"How many times did you fuck him?"

"K-Kai, you have to stop."

He tightened his hold.

"Answer me."

"It doesn't matter—" He shut me up by slamming his lips to mine, pushing his tongue inside my mouth while twisting my wrist harder in his fist. As he continued to violate my mouth, tears rolled down my face. My heart was breaking in ways I never imagined would happen again. It was as if I were sent back fourteen years ago, where he punched me to the ground after he'd used me for his own pleasure.

"W-Why are you crying?" He breathed the words into my open mouth. "It's me, Ashy." Finally, he let go of my wrists only to press our foreheads together. "You loved me once. Why can't you do it again?"

Under different circumstances, I might have felt sad for him, but not right now, not when he made my whole body hurt.

"Because I love him."

And there it was.

The truth.

Finally, it was out, in the most ugly, brutal, and unpleasant way it could be.

Kai slowly pulled back until we were eye to eye, and I saw the crystal blue I used to adore as a young, foolish guy. But just like the ocean, the deep blue would fool you before swallowing you whole.

"And you know what?" I held his stare, not flinching at his threat. "I never stopped loving him."

Kai's face twisted with rage, almost like he snapped, and he raised his hand in the air. "You fucking whore," he shouted, nostrils flaring.

I prepared myself to get hit when the door to the room slammed open and Kai was yanked away from me. For a moment, I thought that Diesel had come back home, but then I looked up and saw who was standing before me with a fucking knife pulled out, pointed at Kai.

"Put the knife down, Jessie," I said, my voice cracking just as Levi and Andrei got inside the room.

"What the fuck, Jess?" Andrei yelped, voice nervous.

"He hit him," Jessie hissed, knife still pulled out. "He fucking hit him."

" Kotik —"

"It's okay." I raised my hand in Levi's direction, letting him know I could handle it. "I'm okay, Jessie, you see?" I said, slowly moving to step before him. Jessie's scared eyes jumped to mine, and the fear in them crushed me. Growing up in foster homes, Jessie had been subjected to domestic violence from a young age, and hearing the fight between Kai and me probably triggered him. Seeing how scared he was only gave me more reasons to resent Kai in that moment.

Slowly slipping the knife from between Jessie's trembling fingers, I then pulled him into a hug, pressing his head to my chest. "I'm okay, Champ," I promised him. Once Jessie submitted himself into my arms, I realized how nothing else mattered. Kai, Soren, all of them meant so little when one of my boys was at risk.

"Ashy—"

"Get the hell out of my house," I warned Kai through gritted teeth, not caring for what else he had to say. "Just get out."

I didn't look back, so I had no idea if he'd listened, but then I heard footsteps, and I assumed he left.

Thank God.

Now, I could give Jessie more of my attention.