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Chapter 5

Ash

S niffing, I cleaned my snot and pulled myself back together before knocking on the door. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I waited for it to be answered. Somehow, I managed to drive here without crashing. It was a miracle because, since Kai left last night, I couldn't stop crying until my eyelids turned heavy and painful.

"Hey." I tried to smile at Jen, my mom's friend, who just opened the door. "Is my mom here?"

Before Jen could answer, Mom had already appeared behind her.

"Ash?" she said, walking down the hall and toward the door.

"H-Hey, Mom." My voice came out hoarse and weak, and it was enough to make her run toward me.

"Oh my God, Ash. What's wrong, baby?" She pulled me into a tight hug that allowed me to fall apart, and I started crying.

After Kai left, I didn't know what to do. It seemed like my world had ended, and it terrified me. Since my father's death, I always tried to "man up" so my mom would feel safe and secure. It was a silly thought because she didn't need a man to feel that way, but still. I hated worrying her, as I was doing right now, but I also didn't know what to do.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" she asked again, her hands moving my hair away from my sweaty face.

"I-I ruined e-everything."

"I'll talk with you later, Jen," Mom said, then walked me back to the car.

Once inside, she didn't ask me why I was crying as if our dog had just died and instead turned on the car and drove off. Thirty minutes later, with a cup of hot chocolate she'd bought for each of us, she parked the truck in front of her favorite shore.

Turning off the engine, she sighed deeply and leaned back in her seat, her brown eyes on me. "So are you going to tell me who hurt you so I can go over there and kick their ass?" She pointed over to the trunk with her thumb. "I've brought shovels and garbage bags, just in case."

I snorted a laugh, but it came out awkward because I was all snotty and raspy.

Despite her joke, it was time for us to be serious, so I held my cup a little bit stronger and took a deep breath.

"I-I'm gay, Mom," I confessed, then looked back at her, ready for the judgment in her eyes. But there was none, and Mom continued to look at me the same way she always had.

"Okay. That's totally okay, baby." She brushed her hand over my hair. "Is that why you cried? You were worried I wouldn't accept you?"

I shook my head, and she bit her bottom lip.

"Was it Kai?"

The mere mention of his name got me crying again, and unable to speak, I nodded. Mom quickly put her drink away and pulled me into a tight hug, all while making sure I didn't spill mine.

"I love him, Mom." I cried into her embrace. "I don't want to, but I can't help it."

"Oh." I think she was crying now, too. "Don't apologize for loving someone, baby. Don't you ever dare apologize for love." She hugged me a little bit closer. "Do you hear me?"

I nodded, even though I doubted her words.

Once I calmed down, I told Mom about everything that had happened, starting with Nico's party and all the way to last night. Since it was all so fresh and raw, opening up wasn't easy, far from it even. But with each word that I spoke, the better I felt.

"What if he'll never speak to me again?" I asked.

Mom let out a soft chuckle, then moved her hand through her dark hair.

"Then he's a shitty guy."

"Mom!" I yelped, and she shrugged.

"What? If Kai would choose to cut ties with you because of who you are, then he was never worth it to begin with, Ash." She held my stare. "Never cross an ocean for someone who won't cross it for you." A soft smile then pulled on her lips. "Babe, you gotta understand. It will take time, and you'll hurt. But hurting is part of life. The best way is to go right through it, hoping you'll come out of it stronger." I knew she was speaking from her own experience. After my dad's death, it wasn't easy for her, but like she just said, she came out of it stronger.

We sank into a lingering silence which she broke by nudging my arm.

"Listen to us, crying like two babies." She winked. "How about we move our asses, use those two boards in the trunk, and go catch some waves?"

My mom was the best.

Nodding, I smiled back at her. "Sounds good."

While surfing didn't suddenly heal my aching heart, it did help. Each wave that I caught brought me back to Kai, and it hurt, but it also reminded me that I was still here, alive, doing what I loved the most in the world. So maybe Mom was right, and it was just a matter of time until things would be good again.

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