Chapter 1
Ash
"B e safe," Mom called after me as I dashed out the front door. "And don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"You bet," I shouted back, then jumped into the passenger seat of Kai's Jeep.
"Don't worry, Mel. I'll take good care of him," Kai shot at her.
"That's what worries me," Mom joked while waving us goodbye.
"Ready to go?" my best friend of twelve years asked with an easygoing smile glued to his handsome face.
The very same smile that made me realize I was in love with him freshman year of high school. Kai had no idea I was utterly obsessed with him, as I'd kept my attraction for him hidden for the past three years and planned on keeping it that way. For starters, Kai was as straight as they came, with a long history of hot girlfriends, including the one he'd been dating for a while now, Zoe. What was more, we were two months away from finishing junior year and had sweet plans for summer break. Plans I didn't want to ruin by pointlessly confessing to Kai about the idiotic crush I had on him. Not only would it make things awkward between us, but it would also ruin our senior year. Being the idiots that we were, we planned on making our last year of high school un-fucking-forgettable. I had no idea how yet, but I trusted Kai's crazy mind to come up with epic shit.
"Mom told me to invite you over for dinner," I said, then turned on the radio.
"As long as she's not cooking." He grinned, showing off those smile lines I adored.
"She's counting on you to cook, and you know it." Kai was always the best in the kitchen. "Are you sure Nico's cool with us tagging along?"
Moving his hand through his dirty-blond wolf cut, Kai nodded. "Yeah, for sure."
Kai's cousin Nicolas was in college, and sometimes, he invited us to parties his guys held. Those parties were much better than the ones held by our classmates, and Kai and I always jumped on the offer.
As Kai was racing the Jeep down the street, I suddenly wondered if it was smart to party tonight, considering I had the first shift at the restaurant tomorrow. Rob, the owner, was a strict yet fair man who always scolded us if we arrived at work looking like shit. Unlike Kai, who came from a wealthy family and only worked there because of me, I needed the job. My mom was a single parent, and although we weren't struggling, my small salary helped.
"When will you stop with that crap?" Kai chuckled after he noticed me biting my nails.
It was a nasty habit I'd picked up years ago.
"What's on your mind?" he then asked, already knowing I was worried about something.
"I can't stay too late because I gotta work tomorrow."
His smile once again grew, and he nodded. "Sure. Zoe will probably want to cut out early anyway. You know she hates parties."
My heart pinched with jealousy. I stupidly hoped it would be just the two of us tonight, and learning about Zoe joining us was like taking a bite from a bitter fruit.
Hiding my disappointment, I nodded. "Cool."
"I like your hoodie, Chief," Zoe said while tracing her fingers over the cotton. "Can I borrow it?"
"Why would you borrow his hoodie?" Kai asked, pulling her onto his lap and away from me. "And when will you stop calling him Chief? It's Ashy ."
Kai knew I hated being called that, and that was exactly why he kept on doing it.
For years .
Zoe pouted her lips. "Only you call him that! We all know him as Chief."
The one who'd given me that nickname was my uncle, Aiden, unintentionally causing my friends to pick it up as well. Now, the only one to call me by my name was either Kai or Mom.
"Stop arguing," I chuckled, cutting off the argument those two were having. "And I can lend it to you if you like it so much," I added, causing Zoe to clap her hands together and give me a giddy smile.
"You're the best, Chief." Jumping from Kai's lap, Zoe picked up a bottle of vodka from the table. "Let's get fucked-up!" she yelled, raising her hands in the air. While doing so, she stretched her beautiful body, and her tight minidress rose up to reveal parts of her ass. My good mood turned sour as I watched with jealousy at how Kai's eyes drank up her curves, probably imagining fucking her later.
Knowing I had to distract myself from those types of thoughts, I snuck away from them the first moment I could and went out to the backyard. The house we were currently in was huge, even bigger than Kai's, and I wondered what its owners did for a living.
With too much on my mind, I began walking around the property, hoping the party would end soon. I was tired and not in the mood at all after watching Kai and Zoe being the perfect couple that they were. I yearned for the same thing, which was ridiculous, considering how no one even knew I was gay. My sexuality was a secret, mostly because of Kai. As free-spirited as he was, he came from a conservative family. His father was a strict man who, more often than not, stated his opinion about gay people, and let's say his views weren't all that nice. Far from it, even. I knew Kai didn't share his father's beliefs, as he had no intention of keeping himself for marriage like his father expected him to, but maybe some stuck—such as homosexuality being a sin.
Whenever we talked about sex and stuff, I'd pretend to like girls, and I was getting sick of it. I was getting sick of going on double dates, trying to fool around with girls to make sure I was really gay and that it wasn't just in my head, but mostly, I was sick of watching my best friend falling in love with someone who wasn't me.
"You look lost," a smooth voice said, and I looked up from the ground in search of who it belonged to.
A guy taller than me, who at first glance looked like Prince fucking Charming, with his raven-black hair and silver eyes, was leaning back against a garden column with his hands tucked in his trousers pockets.
"Oh, sorry," I mumbled, rubbing the back of my head while gazing around. Apparently, without noticing, I'd ended up in some sort of a rose garden. "Didn't look where I was walking."
"That only proves my point." The stranger smiled and pushed away from the column. "Soren Dane," he said after offering me his hand to shake.
Even though it was a bit too formal, I didn't think twice before taking his hand. Despite his soft skin, he had a firm, strong grip. A hot flush ran through my body as thoughts about his strength reached my brain and dick. I also noticed how cold his hand was, not that it mattered.
"A-Ashton Sage. But you can call me Ash," I blurted awkwardly, not meeting his hunter eyes.
"That's a cute name. I don't think I've ever seen you around," he said after releasing my hand.
My eyes shot to him, and I regretted it immediately because his good looks only increased my awkwardness. Not only did he look like a model, with a chiseled jaw and sharp eyes, but he also looked mature. A man . Not a kid like myself.
Swallowing hard, I cleared my throat. "I'm a junior." In high school. "Economics." Yeah, right.
"Economics? That's nice." He smiled, showing off his perfect white teeth. "I'm about to finish my third year of law school."
Shit. That means he's around twenty-four? Twenty-five?
"That's awesome." My voice came out too high, and I sounded like a complete moron. He probably thinks I'm an idiot.
Soren chuckled while pressing his knuckle to his full lips and shaking his head. "You're cute."
Did he just say I'm cute? Yeah , he did .
Not knowing how to react because a man had never told me I was cute before, I focused on the garden around us. "That's a nice house, don't you think?"
Soren looked around himself, an unimpressed expression on his face.
He shrugged. "I've seen better."
So he's loaded, too. Well, given the Rolex he had around his wrist, I'd already figured that out.
"So, Ashton , what were you thinking about so hard that you ended up in a garden of roses?"
A hint of his rich cologne reached me, reminding me of winter. I had no idea why, but I often connected people with seasons. Kai's, for example, was summer. Whenever I closed my eyes next to him, it brought me back to sleeping in the shade after surfing on some lazy August afternoon.
Remembering I had yet to answer Soren's question, I pulled myself back together. "Well, nothing important. Just some thoughts."
"All thoughts are important," he said, and I began to learn that Soren Dane always had an answer up his sleeve.
As you'd expect of a law student.
Once again, I dared to glance at him only to find his brilliant eyes locked on me. He looked… interested .
"Do you want to grab a drink?" I asked, surprising myself.
Unfazed by my directness, he nodded. "Sure. Let's get back inside." He moved to go and, without any warning, placed his hand behind my back.
I stilled at his slight touch as thoughts of him touching me more flooded my imagination. Would he be rough? Gentle? As much as I longed for it, I'd never been held by another guy and was left with nothing but porn-based fantasies.
It took us about fifteen minutes to reach the alcohol table, and only because Soren was stopped every minute by someone else. It looked like he was popular. Too popular.
"So, what do you want to drink?" he asked while checking the labels on some bottles.
"A-Anything will do." I tried to sound mature but knew I'd failed the second his eyes met mine, and I saw the amusement in them.
"Something tells me that you're not twenty-one yet."
Shit . My heart rate picked up, and the lie was out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I'm eighteen. Just don't tell anyone." It wasn't a complete lie because I'd be eighteen at the end of next month.
"So you're a freshman, not a junior?"
Feeling like a kid who was just caught stealing a cookie, I looked down at the floor and nodded. "Sorry." I should have told him here and now that I wasn't even in college but in high school, yet being the center of his attention felt too good, so I kept with the lie.
"You're lucky, you know that?"
Confused, I looked up, a nervous smile tinged on my lips. "W-What do you mean?"
Taking two glasses, he placed them in front of him. "Most people are rather ugly when lying." He put a cube of ice in each glass. "But you?" He raised his eyes to meet mine, his lips pulling into a stunning smile. "You look adorable when you do." He then poured the drink on the ice and handed me one glass.
"Cheers?" he offered, his drink raised.
"C-Cheers."
Downing the liquor in one big gulp nearly made me choke as the alcohol burned its way down my throat. Amused by my behavior, Soren chuckled. God , I was making a fool out of myself.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I breathed through my nose and tried to calm myself down. Despite my brief moments of embarrassment, I was determined to impress Soren. Even though nothing would come of it, the least I could do was try. Bracing myself, I opened my eyes and was ready to face him again, only he was already gone.
What?
"Soren?" I looked around in the hope of finding him, but tracking him down in the busy room was nearly impossible. A strong sense of rejection, followed by disappointment, took over me. If only I was a bit more assertive, maybe then—
"There you are," Zoe said, already wrapping herself around me. "You disappeared on us." Breaking the hug, she checked my empty glass and filled it with the bottle Soren had left behind. "Who was that handsome guy you were talking to?"
"W-What?" I spat out.
Why would she mention he was handsome? Did she know I thought the same thing?
"Why are you so nervous?" she giggled, her big eyes searching mine. "Anyway, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. But let's go out. It's too loud in here."
After we found a quiet spot on the back porch, I leaned against the house wall and waited for Zoe to speak. So far, she hadn't said a word and was busy running her fingers through her mass of hazelnut curls that reached her back.
Once done playing with her hair, she moved her eyes to meet mine. "You know I plan to go to Europe during summer break, right?"
Not understanding what she was getting at, I shrugged. "Sure."
"I asked Kai to join me."
"And?"
"And he refused."
Good to know.
Ready to go back inside— and probably home —I pushed back from the wall and stretched my neck. "Well, Zoe, sorry to hear that—"
"He refused because of you. He said you have plans together." Her expression turned serious. "He refused a trip to Europe because you two have stupid plans to go camping by some lake."
Her comment pissed me off. Just because our plans didn't match her own didn't mean they were dumb.
"They aren't stupid," I said, trying to hold back a smile because a part of me was happy Kai preferred to spend his summer with me than with her.
"Come on, Chief. You realize how weird it is that he'd rather sleep in a tent than in five-star hotels."
I scratched my jaw before shaking my head. "Actually, no, I don't realize it. In case you forgot, I'm not rich like you two. So camping is a great option for me."
While Zoe and Kai were rich like the rest of our classmates, I wasn't, and sometimes, she loved rubbing it in my face. It was utterly stupid because I didn't care for money. I went to school with them, thanks to my uncle, who was wealthy and paid my tuition to our prestigious high school, Beverly Bay High.
She sighed. "That came off wrong, I'm sorry." Once again, her fingers returned to her curls. "Anyway, can you talk to him?"
Confused, my brows pinched close. "About what?"
"Maybe you can convince him to come with me."
Her suggestion was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but huff. There was absolutely no way I'd ever do that. Even if they were a couple, Kai was still my best friend long before they'd ever met, and I wanted to spend time with him, too.
"Kai's a grown man. He doesn't need me to help him decide, and besides, it sounds to me like he has." Zoe's lips set in a hard line, and she didn't seem pleased with my answer, but she'd have to live with it. "Anyway, I'm beat. I think I'm gonna go—"
"Isn't it about time you gave up on him?" She cut into my words, and I stopped in my tracks.
"What are you talking about?" My nerves kicked in.
"He's straight, Chief." Her words turned my blood cold, and I looked at her with shock.
How did she know?
"Oh my God," she gasped. "Please don't look so scared. I'm not trying to be mean or anything." She sounded genuine as she reached for my arm.
Not letting her touch me, I stepped back, and she sighed.
"Shit. I didn't mean to push you into a corner, Chief. It's just that…" Looking around, she bit her bottom lip and then returned her eyes to me. "We both love him, but he's with me, so please don't make it harder. I'm trying to be patient, but it's getting really hard."
Getting really hard? What was she even talking about? She was the one in our way, not me. Right ?
"You don't have a chance with him, and you know it, too, or you would have confessed to him by now. Right?"
Even though she was speaking the truth, I was too shocked to respond properly. "How did you find out?" I asked after finding my voice.
"It's the way you're looking at him," she explained, then offered me another pitiful smile. "Don't worry. He's too dense to notice."
I wasn't worried but scared. Absolutely terrified that Zoe, of all people, was the one to know my secret. Suddenly, breathing became hard, and I wanted to puke every bit of alcohol I'd consumed since the evening began. Already humiliated enough, I held myself back together and got my ass out of there before Zoe could spit another word.
She'd already said enough, anyway.
If Kai were to find out, my whole life would be ruined. I wasn't even joking. I couldn't picture myself without him or, worse, hated by him. My throat hurt from swallowing back tears, and my eyes stung, so I turned my walking into running and didn't stop until I reached my uncle's house in Malibu. Once there, I took off my clothes, put on my wet suit, grabbed my board, and went on to do the one thing that kept me sane .
Hours later, I stepped out of the water. The sun was about to rise, and the first seagull calls filled the pink-washed sky as I sunk my board in the sand and sat down. Unfortunately, surfing didn't help as I'd hoped, and my thoughts were still raging, trapping me inside my own head.
"Do you know what I like about sunrises?" My uncle's voice was followed by the warm touch of his hand, which grabbed my shoulder. A second later, he sat beside me.
"No," I answered his question, even though I knew it was rhetorical.
"If your eyes get to witness one, it means you lived to see another day."
That was Aiden Sage for you right there. Never once did he manage to disappoint me with one of his inspirational quotes. I had no fucking idea where he got them from, and despite them always being ridiculously heavy, they were genuine and often comforting.
"You're too young to sound so old," I huffed. The dude was only in his thirties.
"Maybe," he chuckled, then moved his hand to grab the back of my shoulder. "So, what's bothering you enough to make such a beautiful sunrise look so sad?"
Taking a deep breath, I slumped my shoulders as I exhaled.
"Just… things."
"By any chance, do they involve that other idiot?"
My eyes shot to him, yet my stress was dismissed as soon as I spotted the tenderness in his gaze, and for the first time since my conversation with Zoe, I felt relief.
"Yeah." Lying to Aiden was always pointless because he saw through me so easily.
I was six when my dad had drowned while free-diving. Since then, Aiden, who was Dad's twin brother, had treated me as his own. He'd never married and had no kids other than his dog, Seb, who lived with him in his beach house right on the Malibu shore.
"What did he do now?" Aiden asked, his hand no longer on my nape.
"He didn't do anything, but Zoe… She wants me to spend less time with him."
Aiden's chuckle interpreted my words. "So it's about a girl."
My cheeks burned with embarrassment, and I frowned. It wasn't at all about a girl, and that was the problem. A part of me wished I'd told Aiden about me being gay before because perhaps it would have made things easier. Now, it was hard to spit it out, almost as if my secret had latched itself to my heart, refusing to let go.
"What I'm going to tell you now is the most well-kept secret in the world," Aiden said, cutting into my thoughts. "Never let anyone stand in your way, Ash." He pointed his finger at my heart. "And that includes yourself, champ."
"B-But what if it's too hard to do it?"
The corner of his lips quirked up. "It will always be too soon, too little, too much, or too hard , Chief, and before you know it, it will be too late." He squeezed my neck while looking at me with such kindness as if knowing what I was keeping from him, and that hit me like a splash of cold water on a hot summer day. It cheered me up, but at the same time, not. Even if I could accept myself, how would that help me? After all, even if I was fine with being gay, Kai would still be straight, and if that were the case, what was even the point?