CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

I heard a loud splash seconds before I hit the water, the impact almost making it feel like I was slammed into solid stone before plunging beneath. If my ribs weren’t broken before, they definitely were now. My already aching body screamed as I scrambled for the surface.

My head broke through and I gasped for air. The fact that I hadn’t landed on rocks and that my feet didn’t hit the bottom meant the river was deep enough to survive diving off the cliff. I figured somehow Elias knew exactly where we would end up when he told me to head northeast. I was glad he was conscious for just long enough to point me in that direction.

Oh gods. Elias. Where was he? I looked around in a frenzy, calling out his name. The river was moving swiftly enough to carry us downstream fairly quickly, but not so harsh as to pull us under like when I had slipped in Rebellia River all those weeks ago. Rebellia’s current pulled me under again and again for over a mile, nearly killing me until Elias saved me just in time. Now it was my turn to save him – the lying asshole.

After agonizing moments of frantically searching for Elias, expecting him to be within an arm’s reach, I finally saw him floating down the river maybe twenty feet away. I couldn’t tell if he was face-down or face-up, and my emotions spiked once more.

I swam to him as fast as I could and was relieved to find him face-up, but I couldn’t tell if he was breathing. We were bobbing up and down with the flow of the river so much that I couldn’t focus on his chest to see if it was moving. I grabbed him, entangling my arm with his so that we wouldn’t separate.

The river pulled us along, and I looked up to try to pinpoint where exactly we had jumped from, but I couldn’t tell how far we had drifted already. I didn’t see any Sprathians peering over the ledge anywhere. Were we in the clear? I wasn’t going to get my hopes up. For all I knew, they were following us along the river by foot, ready to intercept us at any moment.

I tried to settle my panic. I looked around to see if there was something I could grab with my free arm to help me pull us to shore, but there wasn’t even a shore to swim to. The river was in some sort of gorge, cliffs nearly as high as the tallest trees. I noticed a floating log riding along the river near us, and I swam to it, hauling Elias with me. At least the log would help me keep him afloat until we could get to land.

We reached the log and I was able to place one of Elias’s arms over it. Once I felt he was secure enough, I grabbed on as well with my free arm, not daring to let go of him with the other. When I finally got a chance to get a good look at him, I noticed how pale he was – like the life was being drained from him. His usual heat that radiated from him was also dwindling, and I feared the worst. But then I noticed his lips twitch and his eyes flutter for a brief moment, and my heart skipped a few beats.

He was alive. But maybe just barely.

I pulled my attention downstream, realizing the cliffs that surrounded us were getting shorter and shorter. Eventually the river would level out with the land and I could pull Elias to shore. But as I focused ahead of us, I saw that maybe a hundred feet away, the river forked into two directions. I could see that the left side had a slower, smoother current, but I knew that path would keep us on the same side as the Sprathians. The current on the right looked rougher, but at least it would lead us away from them.

“Dammit,” I cursed under my breath. The choice was regrettably easy – possibly be caught and tortured to death by Volund, or possibly die by drowning. I chose the latter, and began kicking my feet to help guide us and the log to the right. As we reached the fork, the river pulled us exactly where I wanted, and I felt the current pick up quickly. Within moments, I was finding it harder to hold onto the log and Elias at the same time. But I would be damned if we separated. My broken ribs ached as I tightened my hold.

Trying my best to keep my eyes open as water splashed in my face, I again searched for a way out. The cliffs were still high, but there were more rocks protruding from them now. Maybe I could get us over to one and try to grab hold. But kicking as fast and hard as I could was not enough to get us to the edge. I silently cursed to myself, angry that I was at a river’s mercy for the second time on this stupid journey. But at least we weren’t being pulled under, the log helping us stay afloat.

As the current picked up more and more, I started to hear a faint roaring. My body tensed, even more than it already was, as I realized quickly that I was hearing a waterfall. We were approaching a gods-damned waterfall. Fuck . I whirled around, frantically searching for something, anything , that could stop us from reaching our impending doom.

There . A large boulder sat ahead of us, it’s jagged top jutting out to a few feet above the river’s surface. If I could just get the log to catch on it, we’d stop before reaching the waterfall. Then I could figure out a plan to get us out of here.

I kicked again with everything I had, screaming as my broken bones protested in pain while I tried to guide us towards the boulder. We were coming up on it quickly. More quickly than I realized, then—

The crash of the log hitting the boulder was violent, knocking the wind out of me and causing me to lose my grip on Elias. He slipped from my fingers, the river swiftly pulling him away from me as I still clung to the log against the boulder.

“No!” I screamed, but the sound was muffled by the rushing of the nearby waterfall. No, no, no! I would not let the river take him from me. And so I let go of the log and rapidly drifted towards the waterfall. Towards Elias.

I swam after him, just barely fast enough to catch up. His head was thankfully still above the surface. I finally reached him, grabbing his arm and clinging to him as tightly as I could. I said another prayer to the gods that the bottom of the waterfall wasn’t full of rocks and that we could be spared.

According to Volund, the gods were the ones that destined Elias and I to be together in the first place. They wouldn’t let us die this way…would they? The roaring grew louder and louder in my ears as I continued to beg the gods for mercy until suddenly, we were in free-fall.

The waterfall was even higher than the cliff we had just jumped from, as it felt like we were falling forever. But after a long moment, we finally plunged into the water below, my body stinging and possibly more bones breaking as it hit the water’s surface. My grasp on Elias’s arm slipped until I completely let go, and I felt myself go down, down, down, under the water as the gravity from the fall forced me deep below the surface.

Then, it felt like I was floating in midair – like time was standing still. But when I opened my eyes, I knew I was deep underwater, trapped in the darkness.

I hadn’t taken a deep breath before going under, and I felt my lungs begin to burn as I was quickly running out of air. I tried to look around, but saw nothing in the pitch darkness. I couldn’t even tell which way was up.

How deep was I? Thirty feet? Fifty? Did I have enough air to swim to the surface, if I could even figure out which direction the surface was? Could I make it to the top, take a breath, and head right back down for Elias?

Elias…that jackass. He broke my fucking heart. He lied to me. He used me. He concealed everything about himself and hid his ulterior motives, making me think he was helping me when really he was sent to kill me. I wanted to hate him. His actions should have been unforgivable. And yet, I found myself – moments before death, yet again – wanting nothing more than for us to survive this so I could kiss him one more time.

I sank and sank, my body growing colder, my lungs weaker. This is what it felt like before death. No warm energy. No life flashing before my eyes. It was cold, and dark, and quiet.

And lonely. So lonely. Until…

I felt something brush against the back of my hand, and immediately recognized the familiar buzz of energy as my skin made contact with Elias. But something new happened. In the darkness of the deep, I saw a small flicker of light emanate from my hand where Elias had brushed against it. It was like a small flame, somehow flickering underwater. Had it always done that when we touched? Had it always glowed?

I used the faint light to get one last look at Elias as we sank to our deaths. I saw small bubbles escape from his perfect lips, and watched them float away. I closed my eyes, saying a silent goodbye to my father, to Rose, to Balor, and to Elias, telling them I loved them and that I was sorry. Sadness filled my every bone at the thought of never seeing them again.

Just then, the energy from Elias’s touch pulsed just a little bit stronger, as if Elias himself was reacting to my emotions – trying to calm me with his touch.

He’s still alive , I thought. And he was using that energy – the energy I had felt from his touch since the day we met – to comfort me.

My eyes shot open as I realized something. That energy we felt was the mating bond. We were destined by the gods to be together . I looked at Elias again, and determination coursed through me. I would not let him die. My mate .

More tiny bubbles escaped from his nose and mouth, and floated off. Floated towards the surface. And because of those bubbles, I knew exactly where to go. I began swimming as hard as I could, propelling myself upwards towards Elias. I grabbed onto him and kicked – kicked like my life and his life depended on it, because they did. I ignored the agonizing pain in my ribs, ignored the burning in my lungs, ignored the utter exhaustion of my body. Once I had a good hold on Elias, I used my free arm to accelerate even more until suddenly…my head broke the surface.

I gasped for air, never feeling such relief in my life. I hauled Elias up until he too was above the surface, and prayed that he was still breathing. The pool of water that the waterfall poured into was so large and deep that the current was gentle, even though the river continued on. I was able to swim to shore, pulling Elias with me.

When I finally found where I could touch the bottom, I started walking onto the shore. I kept walking until I dragged Elias all the way out of the water before collapsing to the ground next to him. I had forgotten how fucking heavy he was when the water wasn’t helping to lighten his weight.

The first thing I did as I crumbled to the ground was crawl overtop of Elias, pressing my hands against his chest then leaning down to hover my ear above his mouth. I felt his hot, sweet breath gently hiss into my ear. Thank the gods. Against all odds, he was still breathing. I could have sobbed right then and there, if I had the energy to do so.

I rolled myself off of him, collapsing onto my back. I took deep, heavy breaths, filling my lungs with the air they so desperately craved.

We made it. We were alive. Now what?

I turned my head to look at Elias. He was still very much close to death – the poison from the wolfsbane still coursing through him. I looked at the multiple stab wounds from our fight with the Sprathians, each one dripping with fresh blood. He still wasn’t healing.

I lied there, catching my breath and contemplating my next move, when I heard the snap of a twig come from the woods behind us. I shot up, dizzy from exhaustion, and glanced in the direction of the sound. I reached down and felt that my knife was still miraculously sheathed at my side, having survived the river as well. I squinted my eyes towards the noise, noticing two small figures duck behind a bush.

Forcing myself to stand, I unsheathed my knife and slowly stepped towards the figures. Was it just some woodland creatures, or did fate have more shit to throw at us today?

I heard a faint whisper, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. “Who’s there?” I demanded, tightening my grasp on my knife – not that I was anywhere near capable of winning in combat at the moment. I inched closer to the bush, taking one small step at a time until I nearly reached it. Then, I quickly dashed forward, yanking the bush down to see behind it. I gasped at the sight of two small boys, maybe six or seven years old, staring at me wide-eyed.

Both boys glanced between me and the knife in my hand, eyes wide in pure terror. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said to them. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” I placed my knife back into its sheath slowly so they could see. “See? I won’t hurt you.”

Without a second thought, both boys shot up and sprinted away from me, heading deep into the woods.

“Wait!” I called out to them. “Please! We need help!” I watched as one of them briefly looked over his shoulder at me, but continued running. I almost started chasing after them, but stopped when I remembered Elias on the ground not far behind me. I couldn’t leave him here to die while I chased two small children through the woods. They would outrun me in my current state, anyway.

“Fuck,” I cursed aloud. What the hell were two small children doing in the woods alone? Their parents must have been nearby. At least, that’s what I hoped. There must have been an adult with them who could help us. Maybe they would come back. But I couldn’t stay idle and wait, only hoping someone would come. Not when Elias’s life was on the line.

I turned and walked back towards him, nearly collapsing again as I knelt on the ground beside him. I was in so much pain, had absolutely no energy left in me, and the sun was almost starting to set. I realized all I could do was sit with Elias for a moment, attempt to collect some energy, then maybe drag him further into the woods for more cover. I could make camp, tend to his wounds, and pray he made it through the night.

A few minutes went by before I finally stood and started dragging him into the brush. I only made it fifteen feet before I couldn’t go any further. Fuck . An agonizing groan escaped me as I let go of his arms and pain shot through my ribs. I collapsed next to him yet again, and tears welled in my eyes as I stared at Elias. He was half-dead lying on the ground, and I could do nothing about it.

The weight of everything I had just learned began to eat at my emotions. Elias was a lycan. A wolf, like the wolf from my dream – the same damned dream that started this whole mess in the first place. Well, it was my own stubborn curiosity that started this mess. But Elias…he wasn’t human. And not only that, but he was sent to kill me .

He was sent to kill me, but…he never did. And , I learned that King Volund was plotting something against my father – something that required my death. What the actual fuck was I going to do?

I looked at Elias again, and mustered up the energy to inspect his wounds. Four stab marks – thigh, bicep, shoulder, and back. They were still bleeding, but not as heavily as when the bandit sliced through him with my silver knife. Either way, I needed to bandage them before they got infected, if it wasn’t too late. I had a few bandages in my pack that I could…

Shit. My pack. I left it at the site where Volund found us. I no longer had my pack or my bow. I had nothing but my mother’s knife.

Elias’s breath hitched and I glanced down in fear that it was his last. But his chest still rose and fell, ever so slowly. Too slowly. Was there enough wolfsbane on four knives to put Elias in this bad of condition? Did all four knives have wolfsbane on them, or did it only take one? I knew wolfsbane was toxic to humans, but not like this. Lycans must be incredibly sensitive to the plant.

I remembered reading the plant’s information from the plant-book to Nadia. “It’s extremely dangerous for…” the words after that were smudged. Could it have been referring to lycans?

It didn’t matter now. That book was in my pack which I no longer had, so if there was information on how to stop the poison, that information was lost.

I began putting pressure on the wound in Elias’s upper arm, and my ribs ached from the movement. I winced before noticing the pain very subtly began to subside as small, faint waves of energy flowed from the skin of Elias’s arm and into my hands. It immediately reminded me of when my head was splitting from the injuries from the bandits, and Elias’s touch numbed the pain.

This gave me a thought. Maybe, just maybe, I could use the energy from the mating bond to speed up his healing. What had Volund said? “ Once the bond is fully set… ” Was our bond set? Would I know if it was? Would…would I even want it to be? After learning everything Elias was, what he kept from me, what he was meant to do to me…did I want to be fully mated to him, whatever that meant?

In that moment, it didn’t matter. What mattered was keeping him alive. I laid myself down on the ground next to him and cradled myself as close to him as I could, making as much skin-to-skin contact as possible without having to undress and expose ourselves.

As I laid there with him, I swore I felt the heat from his body begin to rekindle. But I couldn’t confirm it because my eyes were getting heavier and heavier, exhaustion quickly taking over.

It took no time at all for me to fall asleep. I had no idea how much time had passed when I was startled awake by the sound of heavy footsteps. I shot up to a sitting position, wincing from the pain in my side. Before I could make it to my feet, three men appeared through the trees, entering our small camp and surrounding us. One of them was older, maybe my father’s age, while the other two were younger, with broad shoulders and muscled arms. All three of them had weapons in hand, aiming them towards us.

I stared at them, wide-eyed. They were certainly not Sprathian. But neither did they look like they were soldiers from Rimor, Chatus, or Monuvia. Their clothes were plain, their weapons looked almost old and rusted .

“Who are you?” the older man demanded.

“I…” Did I dare tell them the truth? No. Not when Volund was on the hunt for us. I couldn’t trust anyone. “We’re travelers. Nomads. We were attacked.”

The older man, likely the leader, narrowed his eyes at me. “Attacked where? By whom?”

“Bandits,” I lied. “Maybe a few miles from here. We jumped into the river from a cliffside. Please…we’re injured and we need help.”

The leader only continued to glare at me, eyes still narrowed in distrust. “You need to leave here.”

My body stiffened. “Leave? We can’t even walk. Please, is there anywhere you can take us to get help?”

“No,” he responded quickly, almost interrupting. “We do not allow outsiders here.”

Outsiders?

“If you are being attacked, you very may well have brought them here. You need to leave.”

“Sir, please…he’s not even conscious,” I gestured towards Elias.

“That is not my problem.” He stepped a little closer, and I got a better look at his features, something oddly familiar about them. “Leave now, or face execution.”

My heart fell into my stomach, creating a wave of nausea. “What?? Can we at least have a day to rest? Then we’ll leave, I promise.” The promise was empty, as I wasn’t even sure if Elias would be conscious in a day, let alone make it through the night alive.

The man lifted his sword higher until it pointed directly at my head. “This is your final warning. Take him back to the river and let it take you downstream. You cannot stay here.”

I held my breath. After barely surviving the waterfall, he wanted us to go back to the river and just…float away? It was dusk, and would be very dark soon. He couldn’t be serious .

“Please…” I whispered, but the man only responded by taking another step towards me. I then heard rustling coming from behind him, and two more men appeared, weapons drawn. How many more were there?? But I sucked in a sharp breath as I recognized one of the men that appeared.

Gabriel . The same Gabriel that helped me escape from the Rimorian soldiers in Chatus. Magda’s lover.

“Help me,” I pleaded. It was all I could think to say or do.

Gabriel’s eyes widened as they met mine. He looked like a younger version of the man who was about to fucking behead me. That man took one more step closer and raised his sword, ready to mercilessly kill me for refusing to leave his land. I should have taken his offer to float away with Elias.

“Father, wait!” Gabriel shouted, darting towards the man and grabbing his shoulder. Gabriel’s father turned to him, lowering his sword and staring at his son. “These are the two people who saved Magda and Nadia,” Gabriel asserted.

The man’s brow rose and he turned back to look at me. He glanced back at his son. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Father. I am forever in their debt. Nadia would be dead, and Magda still missing or worse, if not for them.”

Gabriel’s father’s gaze darted between me and his son. “You trust them?” he asked.

“Yes.” Gabriel’s response was stern and factual, and my heart sighed with gratitude.

His father nodded at the confirmation. The man was about to execute me in a heartbeat, but one word from his son and he stopped everything. My father would have finished the kill then asked questions later.

Gabriel’s father turned to the other men that stood around us. “Bring them to the village,” he commanded. “Take them to Willow.” The men followed the command without hesitation, and stepped over to Elias.

Gabriel nearly ran over to me, reaching his hand out to help me up. I took it, but as I stood, I nearly fell into him, exhaustion and pain taking over once again. “It’s alright, Aura,” he said. “You’re safe now.”

Tears welled in my eyes. “Thank you, Gabriel,” I nearly choked. “Elias needs a healer. He’s not well.”

“I can see that,” Gabriel replied, a worried expression on his face as he glanced towards Elias. I looked over at him as well, and watched the other men struggle to pick up his large, muscular body. “Willow is a healer,” Gabriel continued. “A good one. Elias will be in good hands with her.”

I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Thank you,” I said again, and I let Gabriel lead the way, my weight bearing into him. The leader – Gabriel’s father – followed behind us all, protecting us from the rear. I glanced back at him, grateful that he listened to his son without question. I envied the trust between them – the trust between father and child that I wasn’t sure I would ever have with my own father.

It was dark by the time we reached our destination. I had no energy to process where we were. In fact, I could hardly keep my eyes open at all. I barely remembered Magda rushing towards us, gasping my name, or Gabriel placing me onto a bed with Magda’s help.

When I awoke the next morning, I was in a small room with one bed. A cup of tea, freshly brewed and still steaming, was on the bedside table. A fresh pair of clothes was neatly folded next to it. I sat up, and felt something on my neck. I reached a hand up and slid my fingers over what felt like a bandage. I had completely forgotten Volund had twisted the tip of a knife into my neck. Someone had bandaged it up as I slept. I turned and picked up the hot cup of tea and sniffed at it.

“It’s not poison,” a small voice said. “I would know.” I glanced up to see a familiar face peering through the cracked door.

I smiled. “Nadia.”

The young girl pushed the door the rest of the way open and hurried towards me, her long, copper curls bouncing with every step. “Hi, Aura!” she nearly squealed. I placed the hot tea back on the small table, and Nadia immediately hugged me with a tight squeeze.

I winced, expecting my ribs to ache as I gently hugged her back, but they didn’t. “Hello, dear friend.” I said as she pulled away.

Nadia frowned. “Your clothes are wet.” I looked down at myself. She was right, I was still wearing the clothes from yesterday, and they were still very damp.

I picked up the set of clean clothes that were at the table. “Are these for me?”

“Yes!” Nadia sounded chipper again. “Mags brought them for you. She thinks they’ll fit just fine.”

Gratitude overwhelmed me. “And how is your sister? Is she happy? Is she safe?”

“Of course!” Nadia smiled widely. “She and Gabriel are getting married in two months! Can you believe it? They were going to wait a year, but after everything that happened, they didn’t want to wait much longer.”

My heart sighed at the joy of it. “That’s wonderful.”

A different, but familiar voice entered the room. “And it’s all thanks to you and Elias.” I looked up, and saw Magda heading through the doorway, a plate of food in her hands.

I stood, expecting more pain from the movement than what came. A good healer, indeed .

“Magda,” I chimed. “I’m so glad you’re alright.”

Magda placed the plate of food onto the bed and embraced me gently. “You too,” she said in my ear before pulling away.

I frowned for a moment. “Elias,” I nearly choked. “Is he—”

“He’s alive,” Magda finished. “He’s still unconscious, but Willow thinks he will recover just fine.” She gave me an empathetic smile, no doubt imagining what it would be like if it were Gabriel in his shoes.

“Thank the gods,” I exhaled, a heavy relief loosening the tightness in my chest. “Can I see him?”

“Of course!” Nadia interrupted.

“What happened to you two?” Magda asked, concern and curiosity lining her face. “You both look like hell.”

“It’s…a very long story,” I said truthfully, laying the fresh clothes on my lap.

“Are you in trouble? Is someone after you? Besides your father?”

My eyes shot up to meet Magda’s. “How did you—”

“I figured out who you were when the Rimorian soldiers chased you out of Chatus,” she stated. “There were rumors going around the city that they were looking for the missing Princess of Rimor. Wasn’t hard to put two and two together after that.”

My shoulders dropped.

“Your secret is safe with us, Aura!” Nadia said happily.

Magda nodded. “We owe you that, and much more.”

I gave a half smile. “Not anymore,” I said. “Gabriel just saved our lives from the hands of his own father.”

Magda sighed. “I know. I’m sorry about that. Daegon is very protective of our village.”

“Luca and Liam found you!” Nadia added, referring to the two small boys I saw at the river. “They came running back to tell Daegon, so he went looking for you. Mags begged Gabriel not to go, but he went anyway.”

“And I’m glad he did,” I answered. I looked back at Magda. “You told me your village had a chieftain, but you didn’t tell me it was Gabriel’s father,” I stated.

She shrugged. “And you didn’t tell me you were a princess.”

I smiled. “Fair enough.”

“You should put dry clothes on,” Magda suggested. “Then I’ll take you to Elias.”

I agreed, and the two sisters left the room while I dressed. I stared at the plate of food on my bed. My body was hungry, but my mind was too full of emotions that made my stomach churn. I took one bite of the bread, and that was all I could manage.

Magda and Nadia both led me out of the door of the small house, and I was in complete shock at the size of their village. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t dozens of different buildings, and at least a hundred people walking around. When they had said “small village” I assumed maybe twenty or thirty people. This was practically a small kingdom.

The buildings were modest, mostly made of timber, stone, and clay, with straw roofs no more than one story high. Just down the dirt road was a barn, with a fenced enclosure next to it filled with pigs, sheep, and goats. A few shrieking kids ran past us, chasing after a lamb that appeared to have escaped. Nadia giggled at them.

There didn’t appear to be any shops, but people in the streets were exchanging goods with one another – a pair of shoes for a set of clay mugs. A handful of linens for a basket of freshly picked vegetables. There must have been a farming field or possibly a greenhouse in the village somewhere as well.

The sisters took me to a building only a few houses down from the one I slept at, and we entered without knocking. “This is Willow’s house. Elias is through that door,” Magda said, pointing at a closed door down the hall. “We’ll leave you two alone. ”

“But Mags, I want to see him too,” Nadia begged, suggesting she hadn’t been able to yet.

Magda glanced up at me, before looking at her sister. “No, Nadia. Let’s let Aura see him. You can talk to him when he wakes up.” Magda looked at me once again, and I saw on her face that Elias must not have been faring well. Certainly not well enough to let Nadia be exposed to it. My heart stuttered.

“Thank you,” I said. I put a hand on Nadia’s shoulder. “I’ll tell Elias his favorite person is waiting to see him when he wakes up.”

Nadia gave a huge smile before Magda led her out of the building, and I found myself standing alone in the unfamiliar hallway.

I walked to the door and took a deep breath before opening it. I stepped inside and found Elias lying on a bed. He was covered in a light sheet from the waist down, leaving his bare torso exposed. His shirt had been removed so Willow could tend to his injuries. She must have known mine weren’t bad enough to need my clothing removed. My injuries didn’t compare to his.

He looked like a corpse, except for the fact that his chest rose and fell with steady breaths. I choked back a cry. A small chair sat next to his bed, and I couldn’t tell if it was put there for the healer or for me, but I walked over and sat in it.

I stared at Elias for a moment more, making sure that his breaths were real and I wasn’t imagining them. Then I placed a hand on his, relieved to feel the familiar energy from his skin. So many emotions boiled in my chest as I sat with him. Anger, worry, betrayal, love – all of them swirled inside of me, like my mind couldn’t decide which to keep and which to let go.

The gods destined us to be together. But I’ll be damned if I let anyone decide my fate but me. When Elias awoke, I would make him tell me everything . Then I would decide for myself.