15. Disassociate

DISASSOCIATE

Lincoln leftat some point in the morning. He didn't say goodbye or anything else. I'm glad he didn't make it awkward, yet I touch the cold spot in the bed, wishing it was warm.

What the actual fuck?

I swipe my eyes, thinking about how I hadn't slept basically since that night at Avalon. The next morning, the PI stopped by and handed everything to me with an apology.

Clearly, the universe decided my rock bottom was indeed not the actual bottom. I think my life actually dug out a piece of the earth's core to have me land at this actual bottom.

I've felt a little lost my whole life. Not that I didn't love my family or parents. It was always the why.

Why didn't my birth mother want me? Why did she wait so long to put me in the system, and this underlying feeling of not being good enough that has carried throughout my entire life?

I've searched for validation in the comforts of a romantic partner with no success. I've never been good enough for anyone, and still now it feels like I'm not good enough for my birth mother.

Her trauma is real, her pain is real, but so is mine. I'm allowed to be hurt and upset while also understanding where she's coming from—it's just not the outcome I wanted.

I turn on my phone and schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist, who can do a virtual appointment in an hour.

I kick my feet on the side of my bed and scrub my face. Working on the will to get up and shower.

Over my shoulder, I look at the spot where Lincoln slept and held me. He was there for me; he provided me comfort in a non-judgemental way that I never expected from him.

The sleepover was innocent. Yet it felt like more.

We've never been affectionate with each other as we aged and last night felt like one of the most emotionally intimate moments of my life.

Lincoln knows more about what's going on with me than my parents. Jessa is becoming a close friend, but we aren't close enough for her to know everything. I like being bubbly around people; it makes them like me.

It's easier to put on a face of happiness than to have someone ask what's wrong with you.

So that's what I do—what I do best.

I dissociate.

"Is everything alright, Penelope?"my mother asks softly next to me.

"Yeah, everything's good," I smile, and take a sip of the margaritas she made.

"Are you nervous about the event tomorrow? Aiden said you worked so hard planning it."

"No, Mom. Everything is fine. I just need to get some more sleep."

She gives me a look like she isn't fully convinced, but she leaves it alone, thankfully. There's too much going on in my life to even scrape the surface about how everything is, in fact, not fine.

"Are you planning on bringing anyone to The Bahamas?" my aunt Maggie asks, and I shake my head. "Just wanted to get an idea for head count so we can plan and see if we need to rent additional space."

"No, I'm firmly off men right now."

"Wise choice," she says glaring at her husband, who's sitting in the living room.

"What did he do?" my mom asks her sister.

"Came home at three in the morning last night. He acts like he's in his thirties, not his sixties. Grow the fuck up," she hisses and I smile.

"When the time is right, you'll find someone, Penny," my mother says, brushing down my hair.

It's so annoying when people say shit like that, but I just nod my head, not wanting to talk about it.

Especially considering the last man I was with is her nephew.

I grimace and take another sip of my margarita.

Gavin comes strutting over with a big smile on his face. "We're playing corn hole. Come join us."

I glance over at Lincoln, who is just swirling his drink and staring down at it. I take a deep breath, force a smile on my face, and nod my head.

Aiden and Lincoln are on a team against the twins as I sit in my chair and continue to drink away my problems.

"You good Pen?" Ben asks and I want to toss myself into the lake.

It's that obvious that I'm not fine. Clearly my mask is slipping.

"Yeah, just need to sleep a little better."

"My friend Brent from college brought some edibles from California, if you want some," he suggests.

I snap my fingers and point at him.

"That, I will take you up on."

"Good thing Kemper's doesn't drug test," Aiden says under his breath.

"So true, what a great boss I have," I reply and he rolls his eyes.

"What's new with you?" Ben asks Aiden. "How's Collin's daughter working out?"

"She's a hard worker, saved us from a serious disaster with The Rays," he replies.

"And she's really pretty," I chime in and Aiden glares at me.

"No. Collin's daughter? Really?" Ben replies.

"We're just co-workers, we haven't done anything."

"Yet," I supply.

Aiden glares at me and tosses the beanbag.

"I'm her boss. She's Collin's daughter."

"Oh, grow the fuck up," Lincoln says.

Aiden looks shocked as he stares at his younger brother across the yard.

"Excuse me?" Aiden replies.

"You heard me. You haven't liked a woman in forever. If you like her, who cares about all that bullshit? Be a man," he says, looking at Aiden for a long time before glancing at me.

I hide behind my margarita glass, willing this evening to be over.

It's a quick round of goodbyes, before Lincoln is driving us home. It's quiet for a short time until he breaks the uncomfortable silence.

"You didn't tell your mom?"

"Which part?" I say dryly.

"Don't be a brat. You know which part."

"I don't want to talk to her about it right now. She'll want to know how I'm feeling and talk about it until we're blue in the face. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it. I just want to not feel anything."

His hands tighten around the wheel, and he doesn't respond right away.

As we're pulling up to the apartment building, he finally turns to face me.

"You're allowed to be upset. You don't have to act happy all the time. Everyone will still love you and care about you if you aren't constantly smiling."

I blink at him and open the door and take the stairs to my apartment.

He's wrong. No one really wants to deal with my bullshit. People like me because I'm happy. I can take a joke, and I always want to please everyone.

If my smile falls, so does everything around me.

I glanceat the boat while we wait to board. This is exactly what I need, a distraction from real life.

"It's hot as a witch's tit out here," Sharon complains, making me and Jessa laugh.

"I don't know that me or my hair will ever get used to this humidity," Jessa says, taking the hair tie off her wrist and pulling her hair up into a ponytail. I watch Aiden stare at her with stars in his eyes. If he doesn't make a move soon, I just might shake him.

"I'm so ready for a cocktail," Sharon says and I hum in agreement. I know I've been drinking a little too much to cope with life, but right now I don't give a shit.

"If anyone needs an Uber tonight, it's on the company," Aiden says, and I immediately know I'll be utilizing that tonight.

"Do you guys do this every year?" Jessa asks.

"Oh, we've done a tiki ride, a BBQ, and a crab feast. This is our first year going on a big boat like this," I reply.

"This is so awesome. I've never been on a boat like this," Jessa says excitedly.

"I booked it," I reply with a shrug of my shoulders.

"You did a good job, Pen," my cousin says, and a sense of pride fills me over a job well done.

It clicks for me that my favorite part of my job is the event planning. Hmm, I'll have to take a deeper dive into that once I'm feeling a little better.

We finally get on the boat. I grab a bacon wrapped scallop and Jessa by the arm.

"Come on, let's go get drinks," I say, all but hauling her over to the bar.

"What should we get?" she asks as we glance at the menu for the night's event.

"All of it, it's all on the company dime," Sharon says, and I nod my head.

"Sharon gets it."

"Oh shit, there's my ex, Hugh. I'll be right back, ladies," Sharon says, forgetting about the drinks and running off to chase her next conquest.

Jessa grimaces and I think back to the other week when I saw her upset outside of the office on the phone with her ex.

"Not chasing after your ex anytime soon?" I ask.

"Hell no, he's a bastard," she groans, leaning against the bar.

Jessa and I get our drinks and look around at the people milling about. I keep watching Jessa glance longingly at Aiden, and I sigh.

"How"s the cottage coming along?" I ask her.

"Eh. I haven't done anything about all the egregious lighthouses yet."

"I could come over and help you sometime."

"I'd love that."

"It's your fresh start," I tell her softly.

"What do you mean?" she says with a furrow of her brow.

"Your ex, all the bullshit you dealt with, isn't here. You can be anybody you want here, you get to start over. Take chances, be bold, reinvent yourself," I tell her, even though the pep talk is absolutely for myself.

Jessa looks back at Aiden, and I wonder if my message clicked.

The rest of the event goes on without a hitch, minus Jessa's bio brother and Tabitha making a complete ass of themselves and being rude.

I'm not drunk, but I've had more than my fair share to drink.

"Another one?" Kenny from the warehouse asks and I nod my head as he grabs us two more cocktails. "You threw a hell of a party."

"It's better than some stuffy dinner at a banquet hall, that's for sure."

He fakes shivers, and I laugh. Kenny is nice, a good guy, probably the kind of guy I should want. But when I look at him, there's no spark, no real interest there. Maybe I've always just wanted what I can't have.

"Definitely. The party was great. You're great."

I blink at him. He's cute, in the boy next store kind of way. He's a few years younger than me, and it shows.

"Thanks Kenny."

"I've always thought you were great," he says again as the captain announces it's time to disembark.

We're leaving the boat together, and he keeps rambling.

"I don't know if you'd be interested, but I'd like to take you to dinner sometime," he says.

I'm lucky that I'm headed off the ramp to dry land, giving me a few moments to come up with an excuse. But when we're finally off the boat and on the dock, I have to look at him.

"I'm sorry, Kenny, I don't think I'm in a place to date right now."

He nods and gives me a half-smile.

"If you ever are in a place where you want to date, you'll let me know?"

I'm about to answer when a familiar voice behind me startles me.

"Let's go home, Pen," Lincoln says in his dark timbre.

I inhale deeply and turn around.

"What are you doing here?"

"Aiden said you'd need a ride. I was in the neighborhood," he replies, looking Kenny up and down like he's sizing him up.

"Right, have a nice night," Kenny says behind me, and I don't even turn around.

"That was rude," I chastise him.

"He couldn't take a hint."

"I was handling it. It's none of your business."

He scoffs and looks down at me like he isn't the least bit amused.

"Whatever, Penny, get in the fucking car."

"Great to see the asshole is back."

"Never went anywhere," he says, slamming my door shut behind me and rounding the vehicle.

He's rough with his door and sits in the seat like he's super annoyed being here.

"You didn't have to come and pick me up," I say and he doesn't reply as he starts the car and drives home without a word.

The silence is pissing me off, and I snap about halfway home.

"What is your fucking problem?" I nearly shout and he pulls over behind a church parking lot violently and puts the car into park.

My heart races from the jolt as he turns around and faces me.

"You. You're my fucking problem."

"We said we would forget about it, that we'd move on," I reply, wanting to look away from him, but I can't.

"Yeah, well, I can't fucking forget about it."

I swallow, cause it's that cold hard truth slapping us both in the face.

"Linc," I sigh his name and he licks his lips.

"No one has to know," he replies.

"What?"

"We can pretend it's like Key Club. We can have our little secrets. It's just you and me."

I can't believe the words slipping out of his mouth. But then I think about how good Mr. Wayne made me feel. How after I received that note from my biological mom, all I wanted was to book the heart room and forget about all my problems.

We've already had sex, he already knows me intimately.

But if we do this?

There's no turning back.

"We shouldn't," I whisper, glancing down at his lips and then his eyes.

He's looking at me like he wants me more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. It's heady, feeling wanted.

"No one will know," he says confidently.

My heart beat is booming in my ears as I take in his words.

Can we really do this? Is this a line I'm willing to cross?

"Let me make it all go away," he says, and it feels like those words are the beginning of the end.