Chapter Twenty-eight: Lay Me Down

Georgie

LAY ME DOWN

Performed by Sam Smith with John Legend

Having Mac say he loved me and that he wanted me to wait for him to come back made me happy at the same time as it made me sad. The thought of never seeing him again, of walking out of his life and not looking back, was like a dagger to my ribcage, spinning and twisting until all I could feel was the jagged point. But I also still knew, as clearly as I had on the beach in Rockport, that we were an impossibility. A dream that could never come to fruition in reality. I'd just forgotten that. I'd let my senses sweep me away in the thunder and lightning of Mac. But our x- and y-graphs were splintering apart now, curving farther and farther apart. I wasn't sure there was much we could do to bring them back together.

The first thing I'd thought on seeing his face burdened with sadness and so much guilt when he'd reached the top of the stairs was that I loved him. That I would do almost anything if I could erase those emotions from his face. Then, I thought of my boxes and the fact that, if I stayed, I'd just be adding more breaks to his heart…to my heart.

It didn't matter that he told me he was reenlisting. It didn't matter if he stayed in the Navy or eventually resumed his political goals, because being attached to a Russian gun dealer and his drug-selling son wasn't any better for a career naval officer than it was for a career politician.

After our lovemaking, which had been fierce and wild and raw with emotions and loss, I stared into his blue eyes and could see all the truths. The love. It was the first time in my life I'd looked at a man and thought that…felt that…wanted that. It hurt so badly to know I couldn't have it. I wanted to pout the way Raisa was good at pouting, but I couldn't. Instead, I had to figure out a way to love him and leave him.

To not grant his favor, just as he hadn't granted mine. It was exactly why we couldn't continue this way, because granting each other these favors should have been easy. It should have been what we wanted to do…give in to the other person. But we couldn't.

So, when he asked me not to give up, I just closed my eyes against the onslaught of his hurt as I said the words, "We aren't a romance novel, Mac."

"Maybe we should be."

I turned so my back was against his front. I couldn't look at him, but I also couldn't walk away from his arms yet. He was in my bed. He'd have to be the one who walked away. But he didn't. And I had to give him this…this one last night so that maybe he could escape his own thoughts and his own grief before he put back on his uniform and went to Florida with the guilt weighing him down. Guilt he didn't de serve to wear but shouldered anyway.

I understood that. But I wouldn't continue to add to the guilt by staying and watching as my reality continued to tear holes in the fabric of his.

? ? ?

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke to an empty bed just as the sun was barely brushing aside the night. I woke to Mac being gone, and the heaviness that overtook me made the tears come. Tears I hadn't wanted to shed when he was in my bed but that I couldn't stop now.

I heard footsteps on the steps and brushed the tears away. When I sat up, it was to see Mac in his Navy whites, approaching. I'd told Ava he was a ten. And I remembered her words about Eli being a twenty, and my disbelief. But I thought I understood her better now. Because loving Mac made him a gazillion in my eyes. And in his uniform, he was an infinite number of stars.

He stood far enough away that we couldn't touch each other, but close enough for me to see how exhausted he was. How sleep had probably eluded him. He was scouring my face, looking for something.

"You've been crying," he said.

I wiped at my eyes again.

"That at least gives me some hope," he continued.

I started to talk, and he waved a hand at me. "Wait…God. I'm sorry. I do that all the time. Cut you off. But it's because I'm always afraid of what you're going to say. I wanted to tell you that you're right, we ne ed time."

Holy hell, did that hurt, and try as I may, I knew it showed, and his eyes glimmered with the possibilities that I didn't want to give him.

He continued before I could speak again. "I need time to figure out what the fuck happened and find my friends, and you need time to decide how much you're going to let your family screw with your life."

This spiked the automatic defense of my family I always felt whether they deserved it or not. "They're family, Mac. You know what that means."

He nodded. "I do, but I'm not sure you've ever really had one. Maybe with your grandma. But definitely not with the people who've pursued their lives at the cost of yours."

He swallowed hard, and I knew he was thinking his statement now reflected on him in some way. As if his pursuing his dreams had cost Darren his life.

"You leaving the Navy didn't cause this."

He looked out the window to where the Capitol Building lights were flickering off as the daylight grew.

"It's debatable. But what isn't debatable is that I love you. That isn't going to change tomorrow, or the next day, a year from now, or ten years from now. How many times did Darren get to say it to Tristan before he was gone? Life is so fucking short. Maybe we aren't perfect, but we fit. Our bodies. Our souls."

He shook his head and turned back to look at me on the bed, easing closer. "I don't have my head on straight right now. I don't have the ability to convince you because of all the other shit going on in here." He tapped his head. "But this knows the truth." He tapped his heart.

He closed the remaining distance between us so he could gently rap on my chest. "And this knows the truth. Everything else is the lie, Georgie. Everything else is the senses and the dreams that you can't believe in. We're the reality. And when I get back, we'll figure it out."

My heart leapt. My heart wanted to believe it. I just couldn't see the end zone from the fifty-yard line. I wasn't even sure it existed.

"I wish you were staying here with Dani. She needs someone."

More guilt washed over me. But I would keep in touch. I wasn't abandoning her completely. I just needed to remove my FBI or CIA or NSA tail out of their immediate world.

"I'll look in on her. I promise," I told him.

He went to the steps, and I couldn't help calling after him.

"Mac?"

He nodded at me.

"Be safe."

He nodded again and said, "Damn, you make it hard to walk away."

But then he did.

The heart that had been slowly splitting apart in my chest finally cracked open all the way, the pieces burning my insides. But I knew I'd survive it. Like I'd survived every other hurt that had come my way. I'd known ahead of time that I would have a scar left when everything with Mac ended. The white streak always reminded me of the losses of my childhood, and even though I didn't have a visible mark from this, I'd always be able to feel the wound in my heart that was from Mac.

? ? ?

I moved into the apartment above Theresa's garage and threw myself into school and the research I was doing for her. It seemed almost impossible that it had only been weeks since I'd begun work on her immigration case when it felt like years had passed. I tried not to think about Mac. I tried not to think about his words about my family, because it came too close to the anger that I'd already been feeling toward them ever since I'd met Mac. Ever since I'd truly wanted something that they were preventing me from having.

The first day he'd left, Mac had texted me a few times on both my old phone and the burner phone, as if he wasn't sure which I'd respond to. At first, it was just to let me know he'd arrived, but shortly after that, a text had come in with a picture of Nash. A Nash with stitches above his dark brows and sorrow on his face, but a Nash who was alive. I would never know what happened on the mission or how he'd gotten out, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that Mac wouldn't feel the heavy burden of losing both his friends.

I'd picked up the phone and called him, unable to not share in this moment with him.

"I'm so happy he's with you," I'd croaked.

"He's messed up. Emotionally, physically. We lost Darren and two others, and he's dealing with more guilt than I am for surviving it. I'm not sure we're good for each other right now, but at the same time, we are—if that makes any sense," he'd said quietly.

"It does."

"I miss you," he'd said.

And I had missed him too, more than anyone I'd ever missed in my life, and he'd only been gone less than a day. I missed him maybe even more than my grandma. But just like time had eased the pain in my heart over her, I knew time would help us, too.

"I have to go," I'd told him, and I'd imagined the sadness in his eyes at my words. "I just wanted you to know that I was so very glad that you got one of your friends back."

"Georgie―"

"Don't. Really. I need to go. Be safe, Mac-Macauley." And I'd hung up before he could have said anything else. Before I could have said words that I would have regretted saying.

As time moved further away from the traumatic three days that we'd had, I felt some knots in my back and my stomach start to ease. I felt like maybe life could move forward.

I met up with Dani several times for dinner. Never at the apartment. Always at a different restaurant than the time before.

The storm of her terrible night with Fenway passed after he left office in a cloud of shame, and the next hot political topic arose. Some dirtbag in South Carolina had tried to fire a trans man, and the LGBTQIA community was calling for his removal from office .

"I'm glad things have settled down for you. It continues to appall me what goes on in our world," I told her.

Dani laughed over her whiskey. "Georgie-Girl, I've been around Washington way too long to be surprised much anymore. It's why I want out."

"What? You?"

Dani nodded. "Yep. I want to go work for some normal business tycoon. Or maybe a regular old celebrity. Someone with no ties to D.C."

"But what about Mac? He'll be out of the Navy eventually and want to run for office."

"He won't," she said with a surety that surprised me. She laughed at the look on my face. "My brother has always felt like it was his personal responsibility to not only keep the entire world safe but also make it better than it was yesterday. He's just realized he can do that in a different way than he expected."

"You think he's given up his dream for good, then?" I asked. Dani nodded. This made me hurt for him in a new way, even though I'd sensed it in him from the moment he'd told me about Darren and put his uniform back on. After a moment, I said, "I know how hard that can be. There was a time when I didn't think I could ever get back my dreams of the law."

Dani took me in for a moment and then asked, "Truth?"

"Always," I told her.

"I'm glad Mac gave it up. Everyone here skitters like toddlers determined to get the most candy out of a pi?ata. It would have made Mac into something he isn't. It would have eaten at his soul to compromise on things that he values most, and he wouldn't have been able to survive in Washington without doing that."

I sat quietly, trying to digest her words. A small piece of me knew she was right. The Mac I'd fallen in love with wouldn't have been able to sustain the hits that would come from those kinds of negotiations. Negotiations that would have made him feel dishonorable.

Dani twirled her drink.

"Have you talked to him?" she asked.

I had a feeling she already knew the answer to that. "We've texted. And I talked to him when he told me about Nash."

"God, that was such a…relief. To know Nash was…" Dani choked and looked away. I hadn't realized how close she was to the squad, but the relief in her voice spoke volumes. "The guilt of it is eating at both of them. And I think Mac needs someone to keep pulling him back from the edge."

I looked down at my food, the chicken twirling unhappily in my stomach because I was pretty sure that person couldn't be me. My ledge had completely fallen out from beneath me and taken them along for the ride. Mac needed to climb up on stable ground that wouldn't continue to shift out from under him.

Dani reached across and put her hand over mine. "You're both good at tormenting yourselves. Mac wants you to be that person. I hope you can be it for him."

"Dani… None of you need my shit in your lives right now."

"You make him happier than I've ever seen before. He gets all goopy and smiley. That's never been him. I'm pretty sure he's in love with you."

I couldn't look at her. If he hadn't told her his feelings, I wouldn't be the one to do so.

"Look. So, you're the daughter of a Ponzi-schemer. So, your stepdad is some Russian businessman on all the agencies' watch lists. So, your brother was dealing drugs. You act like those things are a reflection of you, when they aren't. Sure, you have to deal with it, just like I had to deal with being on the losing end of a battle with an aggressive asshole."

"I don't think you lost that war." I smiled weakly at her.

"You don't have to, either. You don't have to let their choices make you live a half-life."

And that hit home more than anything Mac had ever said to me about my family. He'd hinted at it the day he left, but his words had just upset me, because it made me feel like I was having to let go of my family in order to have him. Dani could have let being a victim cause her to scurry away and hide. It would have been okay if she had. There were plenty of victims who needed that to heal. But it would have made Dani something she wasn't, and that would have allowed him to victimize her one more time.

I wasn't a victim, but maybe I was letting my family make me act like one. Maybe I was blaming them for things when, really, I was just afraid. Afraid of loving and losing. Afraid of having a life that might someday get ripped out from underneath me like had happened to me before.

? ? ?

"So, you're going to see Mac again?" Theresa asked.

I looked away, uncomfortable with the entire idea. Mac had been gone over a month.

The ache in my heart that I thought would ease the longer he was gone had just continued to sit in my chest, worming into my veins so that there were days that I felt like my entire body was on fire from it. I missed him. I missed his blue eyes, and his laughter, and his self-deprecation. I missed how he made me feel like the most exotic being on the planet. I missed feeling like my life was a dream that had turned into reality.

"I'm not sure it will change anything," I told her as we sat in her home library, drinking wine the day before I was scheduled to fly out to Texas. She'd gone to bat for me with my other professors so I could spend the extra days with Ava before the wedding. It meant a lot of work ahead of time and catch-up work when I got back, but it would be worth it.

"You still feel guilty. Like your dark shadows would overtake his light," Theresa commented as she watched me.

"Yes."

"You know, you can't live in D.C. without being investigated and wire-tapped, especially if you make any sort of waves in the existing status quo. My bet is you aren't even close to being the biggest reason Mac and his family would have multiple agencies interested in them. Vice Admiral Whittaker has a penchant for ruffling feathers inside the DoD and out. Robert Whittaker and his boss, Senator Matherton, make enemies as often as happy hour serves chips and salsa."

"But I don't want them to use my family as additional fuel."

"Like they're colluding with Petya Leskov?" she chuckled. "Matherton is putting together a gun bill that's about to outlaw assault rifles. I don't think that is exactly what Petya would want. Seems like it makes them enemies."

I still didn't say anything, because she wasn't necessarily wrong, and I had slowly been getting used to the idea that maybe I'd just been using my family as an excuse—a shield of sorts.

"Look. D.C. families are always complicated. There are black sheep and white sheep and downright dirty sheep. Don't let families dissuade you from being with someone who loves you. Love… It doesn't come often. Sometimes, it only comes once in your life." Sadness crossed Theresa's face.

I'd wondered, many times, why Theresa—a successful, smart, caring woman—was alone. Why she didn't have a partner by her side. "Is that what happened to you?" I asked. "You let your family keep you from the person you loved?" Then I flushed, aware that my question was way too personal. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."

Theresa took me in over her wine glass. "Her family was in politics at a time when being lesbian wasn't cool or a catch phrase. She couldn't handle the heat. Got married to an Ivy League businessman and had three children with him. "

"I'm so sorry."

She waved her hand as if I was missing the point. "All I'm saying is, if I had the choice to love someone with all my heart or walk because of some family issues, I'd always choose love."

She closed the book she had opened, wished me goodnight, and left the room. I made my way to the apartment above the garage. Even though I had my own kitchen, Theresa and I often ate together. I hadn't known she was lesbian. I wondered if people who knew thought we were a couple because I was riding to the campus with her most days. I didn't care. In fact, I would have been honored to be Theresa's partner.

Just like I would have been honored to be Mac's. To be the person to show up at a reception with him, our fingers entwined, our bodies in sync. I could see that life. But what if the love in his eyes turned to disillusionment, and then disappointment, and then dislike because he was constantly being brought down because of me and my family.

And the greatest what-if… What if I lost him?

I picked up the music box my dad had given to me. The one the cops had taken away and then returned without the thumbnail drive that had incriminated him. The black and white swans had their heads twined together. Swans mated for life. Mourned the loss of their soul mate for life. Black and white. Pieces that looked like they didn't belong together but did.

There had been so many what-ifs in my life. I'd never thought I was the kind of person to care about them. I hadn't dwelled overly on the ones that had defined my life up until this point. What if Dad hadn't been arrested? What if Mom hadn't lived in Russia? What if Grandma hadn't signed a new lease when I was eighteen? What if she hadn't died?

I'd always seen those what-ifs as a path down a one-way street to hating life.

But ever since meeting Mac, I'd done just that. Let all the what-ifs define my actions. I'd used my fear of ruining his life to hide the truth. I was afraid he'd look at me like others had in the past, with judgment and condescension, as they walked away. Yet, even when I'd taken the drugs and been "arrested," he hadn't.

Instead, he'd said he loved me.

He'd said he wanted to work things out.

It was me who had walked―no, run―in the other direction.

I'd lost my parents at six. Like Mac had said, it wasn't in the normal way you can lose people, to death or divorce. I'd lost the ability to grow up with either of them. And I'd lost my grandmother at twenty-two. I'd lost a lot of people in my life. But this… This was me using my family to shield me from the potential loss of Mac.

But what if, instead of loss, I only gained? What if I gave in to everything I felt, and in doing so, I gained not only Mac and his love, but I gained a family? Gained people who would surround me with love and acceptance as they had since our very first meeting. What if I gained a future I'd never seen for myself?

Reality or a dream.

Could it be both? Reality that was a dream?