Chapter Sixteen

Saylor

I glance at the clock again, for the hundredth time today. It’s been killing me knowing Ciaran went by himself on a mission. Then, to make matters worse, he ended up having to go to New York. He’s been sending intelligence to Silas and Kai for the past few weeks and now he’s finally coming back. My brother has thankfully been willing to share the info, but I can tell he isn’t sure how much to process with me when it has to do with Ciaran, or with Nash. Oaklynn has been a little more forthcoming, but she is also walking on eggshells around me about what she shares about Ciaran. It’s driving me crazy, and never have I felt so sheltered about things within Rogue. Ciaran is back today and I’m dying to get to him. I want to talk. I need to figure out what I can do to help move through this. I refuse to give up on us.

As soon as my clock hits five I’m out of my chair and turning my computer off. In my head, I practice my speech of all the things I want to say when I finally see him. My thoughts are jumbled though, when I almost crash into my best friend.

“In a hurry?” she asks, her brow raised.

I glance from her to the clock, and back again, “Kind of. What’s up?”

She looks me over, taking in my carefully done make-up and hair from this morning. I still need to change my clothes though. “Ciaran is back. Have you talked to him?”

I wave my hand over my body, “Where do you think I’m going?”

Oaklynn’s face becomes serious, and a little of my excitement withers. “This thing in New York is really big, Say. Kai is working overtime, and I think it will require them to be there for an extended period of time once they’re ready. I haven’t seen him this worried in a long time. Whatever my brother, Miles, and Nash uncovered is scary.”

“I thought so. Silas has been weird about what he’s sharing with me though. Like I’ll break or something.”

“Well to be fair, as far as they know, your worries about Rogue affected your relationship with their best friend,” Oaklynn points out.

I take a deep breath in and out, letting the sting of her truths run over my insides like razor blades. “I know,” I manage to say and nod my head, “But it wasn’t that I was worried about Rogue being dangerous, I know it is. I was worried that Ciaran could die. I can’t live without him, Oak.”

She steps into me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, her blonde head resting on top of mine. “I know babe. I think you and your man need to have a talk. You should get going.”

Oaklynn’s arms pull back, and I grab my bag to leave. I don’t even care about my clothes right now. The need to see Ciaran pulls at my heart. I jump in my car and take the road through town to Rogue. It hasn’t been that long since I was here last, but in some ways it does feel like it’s been forever. I don’t see his truck when I pull in the parking lot and some of my bravado slips. I park anyway and make my way to the door. Inside of the shop is quiet, just a small shuffling of feet coming from the back.

“Hello?” I call into the open space and hear a man cough. My feet move, carrying me down the aisle. My body slams to a halt when Matt steps out from under the hood of a car. His eyes widen in surprise.

“Hi, Saylor,” he nods, “I didn’t expect to see you here today. Everything okay?”

“Yes, everything is fine,” I tell him, my eyes darting around, “I thought maybe Ciaran was here.”

Matt nods knowingly, “He is back. He’s at the house though.”

“Oh,” I feel my body deflate and the smile drops off my face.

“You can go there if you want to. My house is still open to you anytime, Say. You know the code to the door,” Matt’s brow rises in question.

“Yes,” I nod, “I know it still.”

Matt shuffles to his tools and grabs for another. “I’ll be here for a few more hours.”

I take that as my cue to leave and I hustle out of there. It feels like it takes longer to get to Ciaran and Matt’s house than usual, my stomach is twisted in knots the entire time. When I turn down their street, the front porch light is on, and I feel relief when I see Ciaran’s truck out front. I park and get out, then hesitate at the front door. Do I go in? Knock? I remember Matt’s words and punch in the code. Stepping back into the house feels nostalgic, and it seems longer than a few months since I have been here. Music is coming from upstairs so I follow the sound. My heart hammers in my chest while my brain goes over my speech in my head again. I want this to be perfect.

When I reach the door of Ciaran’s room, I turn the door knob gently, and step inside. Boxes are stacked around the room, and the bedroom I’m most familiar with besides my own is almost empty.

“Saylor?” Ciaran’s voice sounds from behind me. I whip around to see him, carrying a smaller box away from the bathroom.

“Hey,” I wave, feeling confused and embarrassed. My thoughts scatter while I try to make sense of what I’m seeing.

His brow rises. “Hey.”

This is going horribly, I inwardly groan. “I, um, wanted to stop by and see if we could talk, but it looks like you’re in the middle of something.”

“Ah yeah,” he sets the box down, his brow furrowing slightly. “It isn’t a great time. Did you just want to talk about the New York thing?”

“Right, the New York thing. Kinda.” I glance around again, noticing the bare walls where our pictures used to hang. “Are you moving?”

Ciaran’s icy eyes meet mine and a sense of calm washes over me. Being around him has always brought me a sense of peace. His gaze trails over me and I watch his face soften. “Yeah, I am actually. There is an apartment in town that I’ve been thinking of fitting out. Seemed like the right time. As much as I love Matt and all, I think he’s ready for his family to move in.”

“Oh. I didn’t know Erika was planning on moving back,” I manage to get out, even while a ball of pain and emotion is stuck in my throat.

Ciaran is moving out.

He should have been moving into a home with me.

I’m still at my parents’ home because I was too scared to move in somewhere with my fiancé.

The thoughts eat me alive from the inside out. I shouldn’t have come. I wish I hadn’t seen this, or known what was happening. I’m still stuck in place, and Ciaran is moving forward.

“I think Matt has always wanted her to, but that he wouldn’t ask as long as I was here and it was my house too,” he finally says and drops his gaze. “So what did you want to know about New York?”

I love how he says the name of the state with so much animosity. My lips twitch slightly. I don’t even care about New York, or how he saw my ex-boyfriend from years ago. “I don’t have anything new to ask. I just…I wanted to see you. It’s been months, Ci.”

His eyes remain downcast, and I watch while his jaw clenches, and his body tenses. When he looks at me again the agony in his eyes makes me lose my breath. “I don’t want to hurt you, Saylor. Nothing has changed for me. I think this is the best for both of us.”

My heart squeezes painfully in my chest and tears rim my eyes. “I love you, Ciaran. I’m sorry for making you doubt us, doubt me. What can I do to fix this?”

His head drops. His hands, the same hands I’ve loved for years as they held me tight, stay fisted at his side. When our eyes meet, his are liquid ice. “I thought really hard about what you said that day at the lake, Say. It took me a long time to wrap my head around it, or how I could even think about living without you. I just knew I never wanted you to hate me, or to hate Rogue. Then the field, and the accident happened…you were right. If we stay together I will end up hurting you. And I never want to hurt you.”

“This is hurting me now, Ciaran. Don’t you see?” I step towards him, my voice shaking with emotion and tears. “I didn’t want to end us. I just thought I needed time. Then your accident happened and I realized that I’d rather live now, in the moment, instead of worrying about the future.”

“I can’t live in the moment while I’m always trying desperately to make things perfect so you don’t doubt me,” Ciaran steps back, running his hands through his hair.

“You don’t have to make things perfect.”

“I do, Say. I want to give you everything you want, I want Rogue to prosper, I want to grow our business, I want never to break a promise to you, and I realized I can’t do it all. We don’t always have time for each other. We’re both immersed in work, and in this way of life. I don’t want you to wish you had walked away. I don’t want to be like our parents.” Ciaran’s voice breaks and it chips another piece of my heart.

“I would never hurt you like that Ciaran. And I know you wouldn’t do that to me either. What happened in the field was an accident, and yes, it was all my worst fears, but not once did I think, oh it’s all because of Rogue. All I could think was that I can’t lose you.” My tears fall down my cheeks in hot currents.

Why? Why were we so stupid, and so full of ourselves to think we could ever make it in this life unscathed? I want to go back in time to that day. I wish I had never even given life to my worries.

“You were right to be worried. You had every right to feel what you were feeling. Don’t put blame on yourself for being honest, Say,” He echoes my thoughts, and the lifelessness in his voice makes my soul ache.

“This thing in New York is going to be huge. It’s messy. We’re going in half blind already and, I can’t lie, it’s going to be time consuming. I won’t be around much,” he continues, his eyes fall to the ground.

“Don’t you dare give me the out of sight, out of mind bullshit, Ci,” I huff, and my hands find my hips.

His lips quirk in a smile, the first one I’ve seen from him in so long that it makes my heart pinch. “I wasn’t going to say that. We’ll be apart for a while, and maybe it will be good for us both to think, and see what we really want. No matter what, Say, I always want the best for you.”

Tears sting my eyes. The ugly ones, the big fat messy kind that are going to carry the pieces of my heart with them. I want to yell at Ciaran how much I want him. That I need him. I love him so much, and I wish I had never planted seeds of doubt in his mind. Now isn’t the right time. He’s getting ready to go somewhere dangerous. My family, some of the people I hold dearest, are getting ready for a battle. More than anything else, even if it hurts, even if I leave here with my heart in shambles, I need Ciaran to be safe. He needs to be thinking clearly, and not worrying about me.

I find it in myself to straighten my spine, and blink the tears away. I need to be strong for him, for us, for Rogue. My lips smile softly, and I nod. His shoulders relax just a bit, before I step into him. My hands rest against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart against my palm before raising on my tip-toes and touching his lips softly with my own.

“Be safe, Ci. I’ll be waiting.”