Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

JAY

“Watch me while I claim you, Jay, while I make you mine.”

A needy sound I didn’t think I was capable of escaped me. Did this man realize what he was fucking doing to me? For the first time since this started, I touched myself. I gripped my dick tightly and squeezed, afraid I was gonna shoot before Dakota finished.

I somehow managed to keep eye contact with Dakota, his eyes burning a hole right through me. I was breathless once he was finally seated.

He leaned down and kissed me. Whenever people talked about kisses being emotional, I thought it was just some bullshit from the cheesy romances my ma used to read when she was sober enough. Sure, kisses were intimate, but you couldn’t feel people’s emotions through it. That was a crock of shit.

Except, I realized how wrong I was, when Kota kissed me. I felt every fucking thing. It was like we were one person, one soul. I woulda laughed in the face of anyone who told me that, but it was true.

Kota pulled away enough for both of us to get a quick breath. He thrusted from about half way out and his lips touched mine as he filled me completely.

Dakota took it seriously when I told him earlier that I wanted to feel him. I felt every single inch of his dick inside me as he slid in balls deep. The drag as he pulled out was just as intense. I couldn’t escape him if I tried. Dakota was claiming me with each thrust, marking me, reminding me that what he said was true, he wasn’t going fucking anywhere. I was his and he was mine, and if I had my way, that would never fucking change.

The intensity of the moment sucked all the air out of the room. It obviously wasn’t the first time we had sex, or even the first time Dakota topped, but this felt different. This was more than being horny or scratching an itch. I never felt safer or more secure, or fucking loved than I did right now. Love. Holy fuck, Dakota said he loved me.

“Baby, I need you to breathe for me.” My gaze snapped to Dakota and I realized I’d been holding my breath. I sucked in air, my lungs burning and the room fucking spinning.

“Kota…” I didn’t know what I wanted to tell him. I couldn’t form words even if I tried.

“Shh, I know. I know. You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re so fucking loved.”

I whined embarrassingly loud. Was I gonna make that sound every time Dakota said that word?

He smiled softly and picked up the pace. I still felt every single inch, but now the angle dragged along my prostate and was driving me closer and closer to the edge.

“Jerk yourself off, love. I want you to come with me.”

Hell yeah, me too. I blinked back tears, my chest heaving as I tried to get air. Still, I managed to start moving my hand up and down. Luckily, between the precum that had been leaking freely and Dakota’s mouth from earlier, I still had enough slick that there wasn’t too much friction.

Dakota had most of his weight on me, and every thrust brushed against my hand, adding to all the sensation. It was too much. It wasn’t enough.

“Fuck, Jay. You look so beautiful like this. I’m not gonna last much longer.”

I made a guttural sound deep in my throat as my orgasm built. “Me either.”

“Then let go, Jay. Come with me.”

A few more thrusts and a couple tugs on my dick and I was shooting my load all over my hand, belly, and Dakota. I clenched my hole around him, and he grunted as he filled me.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” I chanted, “Kota. Kota.” I wanted to say so much more, but nothing else was coming out. I had to hope that he understood. That he knew how much he meant to me. Everything. He meant everything to me.

Dakota’s hips stuttered as his orgasm completed. He collapsed on top of me, and I clenched around him again, not ready for him to leave me.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed my collarbone.

“Don’t pull out yet.” My throat was raspy. I tried to swallow but my mouth was so dry I couldn’t even manage. Still, I didn’t want Kota to leave. It sounded dramatic, but pretty sure I’d die if he tried to leave me now.

Luckily, he didn’t. He didn’t pull out, either. Not until he got too soft and his dick slipped out on its own. Still, we didn’t let go of each other. Not until the cum started to dry on our skin and got itchy. Then, and only then, did Dakota kiss my neck and gently remove himself from my grip. I wanted to stop him, but I didn’t have the energy. So I just lay there, holding my breath until he came back with a wet cloth and a water bottle.

He climbed on the bed and put the straw to my lips. “Drink.” Didn’t have to tell me twice.

The water was cold and the best fucking thing I’d had in my life. I closed my eyes, savoring it.

“Thanks, darlin’.”

Dakota just smiled and wiped me down. When he was done, I took the cloth and did the same to him, cleaning him off as much as possible.

“Not ready to get up,” I told him, and pulled him to me until he collapsed on my chest with an oof .

“We’re both off today. We don’t have to go anywhere.”

I manhandled Dakota until we were in a more comfortable position, but still cuddled around each other and our faces so close I could feel his breath tickle my nose.

Words weren’t needed. We just sat there processing the intensity of the morning. Dakota lightly traced my tats with his fingers, his eyes half-closed. I just watched him.

Maybe it sounded creepy as fuck, but I could watch Kota all day every day and still not get bored. I could never get enough.

It hit me how fucking close I was to fucking this all up. Sure, Dakota swore he wasn’t trying to leave, and I believed him, but I was a self-sabotaging asshole, and I was doing everything I could to make my biggest fears come true. Thank fuck Dakota was a stubborn little shit and wouldn’t let me get away with that.

“I don’t wanna keep sabotaging us.”

We had been quiet for so long that I startled Dakota and he jumped a bit before looking at me.

“I know you don’t, baby.”

“I’ll probably do it again. I don’t wanna. But I’ll probably get scared again and do something to try and fuck this up. Please don’t let me.”

It wasn’t fair to put that on him. I needed to be responsible for my own actions and consequences. I shouldn’t expect him to keep picking up the pieces, but I didn’t know what else to do.

Kota didn’t answer right away, which I appreciated. He thought about exactly what he was gonna say before saying it. “I can promise I’ll always call you out on it, but baby, you gotta put in the work too. As much as I’d love to be able to carry it all and ease you of this burden. I can’t. Most of it’s in here.” He tapped my temple.

I sucked in my lip ring. I was so sick and tired of always being a hot mess. I didn’t notice it much when it was just Beck, Ri, and me. We were all fucked. At any given time, one of us was always going through something. Sometimes it was my turn to hold down the fort, and sometimes it was my turn to be screwed up. It just was what it was.

With Dakota though, it was so one-sided. He had all his shit together. Most of his fears and insecurities stemmed from me and my asshole behavior. He had a college degree for fuck’s sake. He had a real job with benefits and everything. He talked to his ma on the phone a few times a week, and it wasn’t just her screaming at him for not giving her money for more booze. If I wanted it to work, I hadto get my ass in gear. I couldn’t keep expecting Kota to pick up the pieces after I shattered everything.

“I know. I—I’ll try. I wanna try.”

Dakota smiled at me. A genuine smile. Something unfurled in my chest and that weight pressing on me eased some. “That’s good. That’s all I want.” Kota hesitated, but it was clear he wanted to bring something else up. He squeezed my hand and took a deep shuddery breath.

“I’m going to bring something up that I don’t think you’ll like. Please, just listen. For me?”

Dread replaced the lightness that was starting to come, but I still nodded. I owed that to Kota. He wouldn’t be bringing whatever it was up if he didn’t think it was important.

“I think you should consider getting help. From a therapist.”

I shut down. It was like a brick wall dropped between Kota and me, and if he hadn’t wrapped his limbs around me like a fucking octopus, holding me in place, I probably would have bolted.

But he knew me well enough to know he’d have to physically restrain me to get through my initial panic. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look him in the eyes with those words lingering between us.

I forced myself to calm down, to get my heart rate to slow down. Dakota squeezed me tighter. I had to think logically. He knew how I felt about that. There was a good reason he brought it up. This was Kota. I promised him I’d try to stop ruining us. I couldn’t break my promise less than a minute later.

“I can’t...” The words were barely a whisper, but he heard them. “Beck…”

“I know. I completely understand, I really do. But, baby, you need some help.”

“You are helping.” Which again, wasn’t fucking fair to him. “And Beck and Riley.”

“We aren’t trained professionals. I love you, and I’d do anything to help, but half the time I feel like I’m just making things worse. I understand your hesitation, but it’s like everything else. That fucker was an exception. An awful, vile, sick exception. But we’d do all the research, I’d be there, right in the waiting room with you. Or, you can even go to the therapist Riley’s dad had mentioned.”

After the incident, Wes had been pushing his son and Beckett to talk to someone. Like me, they’d been resistant, but apparently Luca had a therapist on his payroll that had pretty much talked to his entire team at one point or another. That wouldn’t be so bad. Plus, Wes had promised we wouldn’t be billed. Because fuck that shit. Money might not be as tight, but I ain’t got those type of funds.

I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at Dakota. He looked weary but determined. This was important to him.

“Can I think about it?”

I felt the tension ease off him. I hadn’t even agreed yet, but by not outright refusing, I made him happy. I could do this. I could stop being such a selfish fuck and become a better boyfriend for Kota, because he deserved that.

“Of course. Thank you.”

My stomach dipped, and I kissed him. “Please don’t thank me for that.”

Dakota just shrugged but let it go.

I could’ve happily just laid in bed all day, but my stomach had other ideas, and not long after we stopped talking, my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything. Kota laughed.

“Oh yeah, we never ate breakfast.”

“Do you think the food you made is still good?” It had been sitting on the table for fuck knows how long now.

Dakota wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, probably not. It’s okay. My mom sent a bunch of leftovers. It’s pretty much lunchtime now anyway.”

I still felt a little guilty about wasting the food. Kota didn’t seem too bothered, but years of going hungry was a hard feeling to forget, and it felt wrong to waste both his time and the food. Still, I’d been up in my feelings and lost in the past too much today as it was. We’d both said our piece. It was time to move forward, and that included tossing the old breakfast, I guess.

I grinned at him. “Oooh, yay. What did Mama Kelly send today?”

“Let’s get out of bed, and then you can see.”

It took us longer than it should’ve to get up and throw our pants back on. But that was just ’cause we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. The morning was significant, and there was a shift between us, and I think both of us felt it. I just didn’t want to stop touching him.

Except, I was also hungry and so was Kota, so eventually we did make it out of his room and back into the kitchen.

This time, I helped him clean up the old dishes and plates, plus the toast on the floor, and then heated up the leftovers from his ma. As we moved around his tiny kitchen, we kept brushing up against each other. I kept shooting glances and little smiles at him, which he returned every time, causing my stomach to flutter like a teenage girl with her first crush. It felt very domestic and wholesome, and I was surprised I didn’t mind it. More than that, really, I wanted more of it.

We eventually sat down with our plates. Even then, we couldn’t deal with sitting on opposite ends of his table, though it was tiny. So we brought our plates to the couch and sat as close as possible while we ate.

I was determined to change. To make things right and make up for the distance I’d been forcing between us. There was one place to start, one thing that Kota had been asking me for since almost the beginning that I kept refusing.

I shoved a chunk of soda bread in my mouth and looked down at my plate. “Maybe next time you go to your ma’s, I can come?” Fuck, why was that so awkward?

Dakota froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “Please don’t make a big deal about it,” I rushed out before he could ask me if I was sure or anything else.

He came to his senses and finished bringing his food to his mouth. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll tell her next time I talk to her.”

Damn, why was I fucking shaking? It would be okay. Dakota swore to me they wouldn’t judge me, and he would never put me in a situation like that. It was important to Dakota. I could deal with my own discomfort for him. I had to.