Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

JULIEN

The view from outside my open window frames the outdoor wedding setup perfectly. A light sea breeze brings the sweet floral fragrance of plumeria. Late afternoon sunlight sparkles like glitter over the surface of the sapphire Pacific as waves furl and crash onto the black sandy shore. Tiny ball lights hang down from strings stretched from pole to pole. A bright silver satin runner cuts a path under an archway made of chiffon fabric. Rows of chairs are dressed in flowing crimson and silver chiffon bows on either side. Beautiful, lush bouquets of red and white roses traverse along the outside and decorate the garden arch where I will soon be standing, waiting for the love of my life to make his way to me.

"Stop it."

I pull my gaze from the gorgeous scene. "Stop what?"

"Fidgeting," Ash says.

"I'm not fidgeting."

I am, but I can't help it. It's my wedding day. I'm about to watch Elijah walk down the aisle. Elijah and I decided to go semi-traditional with a bridal procession, man style, and I can't fucking wait to see him in his tuxedo jacket and tailored shorts. Elijah said why wear a full suit when we could go beach chic.

Ash lifts his eyes and rolls them in the biggest way possible. "I'm almost done, so sit still."

He goes back to painting my nails, each one a different bright color.

"There. Finished. Now blow. And don't touch anything for five minutes."

Liz runs into my room, clapping her hands together with effervescent happiness.

"Almost time! Why aren't you dressed?" she exclaims.

"That's my cue." Ash packs the nail polish bottles into his makeup kit. He insists it's called a man fun bag.

I stand up and pull him in for a hug, careful not to mess up the manicure he gave me.

"Thanks for the mani."

"I'm so happy for the both of you. You and Elijah are going to have an amazing life together."

For the third time today, I tear up.

Ash points at Liz, then waggles his finger in a circle around my face. "I did the nails, you do the hair."

I lift a hand to my head. "What's wrong with my hair?"

Liz stops in front of me, her gaze introspective as she looks me over. "Humidity, babe. Curse of having your wedding at the beach in the summer. Nothing a little pomade won't take care of." Pursing her lips, she asks, "Spiked bangs or gentlemen's quarterly?"

"You choose."

"Spiked bangs it is. Just like prom."

My heart soars free and wild when she says that. We held little hope that she'd get her memories back, but she did, and it continues to hit me like a bolt from the blue when she brings stuff up from when we were kids. She's so different now from the girl I grew up with. Liz 2.0, she calls herself. A fusion of old and new.

After running into the bathroom to grab my toiletry bag, Liz pushes me down to sit on the bed and begins styling my hair.

"What?" she asks, not meeting my penetrative stare as she works.

"How are you doing?"

Her verdant gaze drops and snares me in its grasp as we share the pain of Jayson's absence.

"How are you doing?" she quietly asks.

My brother isn't coming to my wedding. I've only heard from him twice since he left. It feels like a piece of my soul has been stolen from my body, the twin bond between us torn in half. I miss him so fucking much, and every time I think about him, I want to fall to my knees and cry. The times it hits me the hardest are when I swear I feel him next to me, or I think I hear his voice and will start talking to him before I realize that he's not there. It's gut-wrenching.

"I'm fine."

I have to be. I can't put my life on hold waiting for him to come back. Jay made his choice, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for leaving me.

"It's okay not to be," Liz whispers, her eyes filling just as mine do the same. She cups my face between her delicately strong hands and wipes the moisture from under my eyes with her thumbs. "Only happy tears today. We'll save the sad tears for another day."

I cover her hands and hold on.

"I love you, Julien. My silver-eyed knight in shining armor," she says with a wobbly smile, referring to the make-believe games we would play in the woods as children. "Now, let's get you ready for your man."

Kissing me lightly on the cheek, she pirouettes around and slips my tuxedo jacket off its hanger.

There's a tap on the door right before Ryder pops his head in. "Safe to come in?"

"You may enter," Liz replies, holding my jacket so that I can slide my arms into the sleeves. She tugs at the back hem, then comes around and smooths out the lapels. "I don't know what it is about a tuxedo jacket, but damn, they make men look sexy."

Ryder joins us, wrapping one arm around Liz and the other around me. We lean into our family triangle, three best friends who have weathered a lifetime of storms together. But the love we share shines brighter than all the tragedies we've endured.

His voice mired in sentimental emotional prosody, Ry says, "Love you, Jules."

"Love you, too."

Dammit, more tears.

"Can I have a minute?" I ask, wanting a moment of privacy to get my emotions under control.

My room has been a revolving door of an endless stream of people coming and going for hours.

"Of course." Liz grabs Ryder's wrist to check the time on his watch. "You have ten minutes."

She winks. Another memory Liz and I share. A good one.

Ryder shakes his head, not getting the reference. "Sometimes I wonder about the two of you."

"You love my crazy."

Liz hops into his arms and kisses him. Their mouths remain fused together in a very publicly inappropriate kiss as he carries her out, almost running into Mom on her way in.

Mom steps out of the way to let them pass. "Ah, the honeymoon stage of marriage." Her gaze lingers wistfully as Ryder pushes open the door to the storage closet and stumbles inside with a giggling Liz. "Your dad and I?—"

I immediately cover my ears. " La la la . I don't want to hear about you and Dad having sex."

"You wouldn't exist if your father and I hadn't?—"

" La la la la . Can't hear you."

She purses her smiling lips in faux parental exasperation. Setting her purse down on the adjacent coffee table, she fidgets with straightening my collar.

"Let me get a look at you."

"Where's Dad?"

"Micromanaging."

I laugh, because… well, yeah. Dad can take anal retentive to new levels. He's been fussing over every detail of the wedding, wanting everything to be perfect. Dad has been as involved in the wedding planning as Mom.

Mom's eyes begin to pool, and I plead, "Please don't make me cry again."

I've been a fountain all fucking day, and I don't want my eyes to be swollen and red for the wedding pictures, making me look like I've got a bad case of conjunctivitis.

She pretends to brush imaginary lint from my jacket. "You look so much like your father. So handsome."

"I look like my mom."

Same eye and hair color. Same nose and mouth. Jay and I have Dad's ears, chin, and height.

"Have you heard from him?" I ask.

Mom tries to cover the sad frown that forms by focusing on the two top buttons of my shirt. "He called me last week."

I know I keep thinking it, but it hadn't truly sunk in until now. Jay really isn't coming. My brother, who I had asked to be my best man, isn't going to be standing next to me when I take my vows.

She takes out a thin, oblong black jewelry case from her purse and presents it to me.

"What's this?"

"Something old. It was your grandfather's."

I lift the lid to find a vintage men's gold Bulova watch. I reverently touch the rectangular face faded by time. It's kind of poetic in a way.

"I remember this."

The childhood memory is as faded as the clock's ivory face, but it's still there. Grandma gave him this watch on their wedding day. I didn't get much time with either of them. Grandma and Grandpa both passed within months of one another when Jay and I were five. It happened shortly before we moved to Fallen Brook.

I slip on Grandpa's watch over my left wrist and secure the buckle to the leather band. I'm also wearing the onyx cufflinks Elijah gave me the night of my prom.

"This is something borrowed and blue," Mom says, holding up Dad's favorite tie. "May I?"

I remain still as she meticulously slips it under my collar and twists the knot in a half-Windsor.

"Only thing we're missing is something new. Any chance you have a Mustang GT-500 stashed in there?"

I'm only joking, but her gray eyes lift, solemn and sad, and my grin immediately vanishes.

"Jayson sent me something. He wanted me to give it to you. I'm not sure if I should. Maybe it's best to wait until after you and Elijah come back from your honeymoon."

Something from Jay. I'm a little pissed that he would ask Mom to give it to me rather than do it himself.

"I'd like it now, please."

Almost reluctantly, she takes a long white envelope from her purse and places it on the edge of the coffee table.

Turning around, she palms my cheek before kissing it. "Don't be mad at him."

I hug her thin frame. Mom's stature may be small, but she's so fucking strong. I really lucked out in the parent department.

"I'm trying not to."

I won't lie to her. I love my brother, always will, but I'm so angry with him for not choosing me over his heartbreak.

"I will forever and always love you, my sweet boy. I am so proud of you and the man you've grown up to be. You and Elijah. Love and happiness. Live it, breathe it, and enjoy the hell out of each other. The best is yet to come."

When she leaves, I take a second to gather myself, before sitting down on the two cushion love seat, the nondescript envelope taunting me from mere inches away. Picking it up, I tear it open and pull out the folded sheet of paper inside. A thin gold chain with a small oval charm attached slides out between the folds, and I catch it on my fingers before it drops to the floor.

Jules,

God, where do I start? I guess the first thing I should say is, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for not being the brother you deserve. I'm sorry for not being there with you on your wedding day. I'm sorry for letting Elijah down after everything he did for me. I'm sorry for so many things that I will never be able to make up for.

Everything is so fucked-up. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I had everything planned out. Liz and me forever. The girl I fell in love with from the first moment I saw her. The girl who has been my heart and soul since I was six years old. But she's not mine anymore. She's Ry's. His wife. As much as I want to hate him for that, I can't. Ry will love her like she deserves to be loved. But I can't be there and have to watch from the sidelines as he gets to live the life I always wanted. It's too painful. It hurts too much.

And it's selfish. I know that. I wish I could be the better man. A man like Ry. A man like Elijah. Like you. But I'm not. And I hate myself for that weakness. Please don't hate me for it, too.

Something fundamental is broken inside me, and I need to figure out how to live without her. I need to figure out who I am without her. I can't come back until I do. I hope you understand.

Happy wedding day, brother. You and Elijah deserve all the happiness in the world.

I love you so fucking much. I miss you so fucking much.

P.S. I found this St. Jude pendant in San Francisco. I'll let you Google the meaning.

Forever your brother - Jay

I angrily swipe at the flood of fresh tears. "Goddammit, Jay."

"Ten minutes is up. Let's get you married!" Liz announces.

"Liz," I say in a strangled voice.

I press Jay's letter and necklace to my chest. The half of my heart that's tethered to my twin feels like it's dying.

She rushes over to me. "What? What is it?"

I let her see Jay's letter.

He sent her a similar letter on her wedding day a few months ago.

She silently reads, and once finished, folds the paper back into thirds and sets it down.

"It's my fault he's not here."

Now, she's crying. Well, shit.

"No, it's not. And no more tears for either of us. Today is a happy day. I'm getting married."

Rallying for my benefit, she pushes her shoulders back and gives me one of her beatific smiles.

"Damn right you are. Let's finish getting you ready."

I've never been more ready for anything in my entire life.

Pixie and the Badass Bitches serenade everyone with a funked-up version of Pachelbel's Canon in D as I stand in front of the archway, sweet anticipation curling my stomach like the waves that are gently crashing onto the shore behind me. The sunlight, now softened to a warm amber glow, shimmers just above the curvature of the earth and casts a magical light over everything. Smiling familiar faces of friends and family sit in attendance and quietly talk among themselves. Fragrant plumeria mingles with the soft scent of roses and the salty ocean air. My eyes trace the length of the silver satin runner that cuts a pristine path under the chiffon-draped canopy. I take in every detail, every sound and smell, wanting to etch this day, this once-in-a-lifetime moment, to memory.

"Are you sure you have the ring?"

"Yes, for the thousandth time," Liz replies.

The sun dips lower. The music changes. People stand from their seats and turn around. Holy shit. This is it.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to slow my pounding heart. When I open them again, the world seems even more vibrant, the colors more vivid. I turn my gaze to the end of the aisle, and my breath catches in my throat.

There he is.

My Elijah. The man who first stole my heart with just a smile.

Fuck, he's breathtaking. So damn gorgeous. I can't take my eyes off him.

He takes his first steps toward me, his dazzling smile matching my own.

When he gets to me, I reach for him. He slips his hands into mine, and our forever begins.

I love you , he mouths, his hazel eyes wet and beautiful.

Love you always, Angel , I mouth back.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the everlasting love of two remarkable people…"

"Can I tell you three really important things?" Elijah asked.

I reclined back on my pillows, that panicky feeling starting to abate. "Go for it."

"Thing number one. You have the most beautiful gray eyes I have ever seen. I dream about your eyes. The way they look like liquid silver, and how they shine when you smile."

My breath hitched at his romantic words.

"What's the second thing?"

"Everything will be okay. Things with your brother. Things with Liz and Ryder. I'm a believer that stuff happens in life for a reason. If it didn't, I wouldn't have met you."

I melted a little at his statement. "What's the third thing?"

"One day, when you're ready, I'm going to kiss you."

---

"I missed you, E."

"I missed you, too," he breathed out, his voice suddenly going all deep and wispy.

Did he feel the electric energy surging between us? How it swirled and grew hotter and brighter in its intensity? It was magnetic and undeniable. And I couldn't resist its pull any longer.

And you know what? Fuck it. Fuck my worries and fuck my fears. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of making him wait. I was tired of putting my life on hold while everyone else around me lived theirs.

I took another step closer until all I saw, all I felt, and all I heard, was Elijah.

"Remember when you told me that when I was ready, you'd kiss me?" I asked him.

Elijah's eyes went wide, and I could hear him swallow thickly.

"Yes."

I gripped the back of his neck with my hand and pushed him up against the tree behind him.

"I'm ready."

"I, Julien Jayden Jameson, take you, Elijah Michael Barnes, to be my husband…"

I glided one hand from his hip and skated my fingers up his chest. "I have a confession to make."

He canted his head to the side.

"When Marshall and I were staring each other down, all I could think was—no one messes with my boyfriend."

Elijah's face showed shock, then settled into an expression of pure happiness. "Is that what I am?" he asked hopefully.

I gripped his neck, pulling him in so our foreheads touched. My thumb ran lazy circles under his chin. "It's what I really hope you'll be."

"God, yes, Julien. I've been falling for you for years. I want to be yours more than anything."

I was falling for him, too. I thought I had been since the first moment I saw him.

"You're mine, Elijah."

---

"E, I don't want you fighting my battles for me."

Elijah stood up from his kneeling position, frustration clear in the way he was pacing back and forth.

"I'm not trying to fight your battles, you stupid man. I'm fighting for you. I'll probably get suspended if he goes to the principal, but I don't care. I'd do it all over again."

He stopped pacing, his chest heaving and his hazel eyes blazing. He looked like an avenging angel come to earth.

"You're my boyfriend too, you know. It's not a one-way street. We're in a relationship together. Me and you. What hurts you, hurts me. Your fights are my fights. And dammit, Julien, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm completely and totally in love with you."

My heart lurched. I felt my stomach literally spasm. And the throbbing in my head faded away until all I could hear was Elijah breathing and the pulse of my heartbeat.

"What did you say?"

"You're a stupid man."

"The other thing."

He smiled. "You're my boyfriend?" he said, clearly teasing me and enjoying it way too much.

I held out my hand to him, and when he put his in mine, I pulled him to me on the bed so that he was straddling my waist.

I placed my palm over his heart. "You love me?"

"So very much."

I could feel his chest vibrate beneath my fingers.

"I love you too, Elijah."

"…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…"

"Thank you, Julien."

I slid my jacket off and pulled out my phone to select some music to play. "Thank me for what, babe?"

"For loving me."

As Hayley Michelle's voice sang her cover of "Wild Horses," my feet ate up the distance between us.

"Loving you is easy."

I slipped my hands under his suit jacket and pushed it over his shoulders until it fell to the floor behind him. I next unknotted his tie and tugged at it until it slid from under his collar, then I threw it onto the bed. I did the same to the tie I was wearing.

Reaching up to cup one side of his face, I wiped his cheek with my thumb, drying his tears. Elijah shrugged his shoulder and tilted his head to cradle his cheek in my hand. My gray eyes roamed his face, taking in every detail, every nuance, of this gorgeous man.

Wrapping my left arm around his waist, I stepped into his body and started to move us gently from side to side in a slow dance.

"I never knew life could be so wonderful until you came along, Elijah. You make me happy."

---

Elijah's beautiful hazel eyes lifted and locked onto mine. "You can't help who you love."

I kissed his damp skin. "No, you can't. Me loving you was destined to happen."

"Elijah, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you. With all that I am, my heart and my soul and for the rest of my life, I am yours, forever and always."

"Hey, E?"

"Yeah?" He tilted his face my way when I hesitated to continue.

Steeling my nerves, I used the same words I'd said to him when I finally figured out that he was the person I wanted to be with.

"I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" he asked a little breathlessly, but I was pretty sure he'd already figured it out.

"I want to tell Jay about us. Tell my parents."

"Are you…" He swallowed. "Why? What changed your mind?" he stuttered out.

I brushed his pinkie finger with mine. "You. My love for you. How much I want you and need you in my life. How I want to shout from the rooftops that I love Elijah Barnes."

"I, Elijah Michael Barnes, take you, Julien Jayden Jameson, to be my husband…"

Julien closed the distance between us. God, I had missed him while in Texas visiting Mom over the summer. He and I had been talking and texting almost every night, but it wasn't the same as seeing him in the flesh. He looked so good. Beautiful. Breathtaking.

"I missed you, E."

Did he feel the electric energy surging between us? How it swirled and grew hotter and brighter in its intensity? It was magnetic and undeniable.

"I missed you, too," I breathed out, my voice suddenly going all deep and wispy with need.

Need for him. To touch him. Kiss him. But he wasn't there yet. He said he needed time to figure things out. I didn't care how long it took, I would wait for him.

Julien took another step closer to me until all I saw, all I felt, and all I heard, was him.

"Remember when you told me that when I was ready, you'd kiss me?" he asked.

My eyes went wide with uncertainty. Was he saying…

"Yes."

He gripped the back of my neck with his hand and pushed me against the tree behind us.

"I'm ready."

---

"Do you think I care more about that than you? Fuck soccer. How could that thought ever cross your mind? You are my world. My everything. You're the future I see every fucking morning when I wake up. I want a life with you. A family. You're my goddamn forever."

I was speechless. No sound came out. That was the first time Julien had ever talked about our relationship being long-term. I knew he loved me. But he wanted to marry me? Start a family?

Those words were every dream come true, and something I so desperately needed to hear after months of doubting.

Fresh tears leaked from my gritty, swollen eyes. "I love you, Julien."

He sweetly kissed my tears away. "I can promise you that I love you more."

"…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…"

SexyBoyfriend: Thinking of you. Missing you. Loving you always. Forever Yours.

When I opened the attachment, I recognized the location immediately. His special place on top of the hill. He had his camera pointed toward the sunrise. Birds chirped in the distance, welcoming the new day, and then I heard Julien.

"Wait for it."

My lips wobbled with a smile, then parted in amazement as the sun crested, big and beautiful. Its light refracted off the thin clouds stretching across the blue sky, turning them pink and yellow.

"I want to experience every sunrise with you," he said.

The phone turned, and his face came into view.

"I love you, Elijah Michael Barnes."

The video cut out.

I touched the screen, still seeing him.

"I love you, too."

---

Our lips gravitated to each other's, our kiss a reclaiming. An affirmation. A promise.

He gripped the sides of my neck and touched our foreheads together. It was kind of our thing.

"How long have you been here?" I asked.

I hadn't told him when I'd be returning. We hadn't spoken much at all. He'd send me messages, but the only time I replied back was the one I sent with the photo of the picnic table.

"Every day."

Every day?

It was then I noticed my side of the room. Pictures of the two of us were tacked onto the wall along with paper printouts saying, "Thinking of you. Missing you. Loving you always. Forever Yours." The bed I knew I had made the morning before I was attacked was unkempt. Had he been sleeping there? More flowers of various varieties sat in vases on my desk. Red roses. White lilies. Purple tulips. Strings of fairy lights hung down from the ceiling above my bed. All of it overwhelmed me in the best possible way.

"Dance with me," he said.

Sunrises. Flowers. Love notes. Julien waiting for me in my room. And now dancing. Every time I thought I had him figured out, he revealed another facet of himself.

"We don't have any music."

He lifted my hand to his chest and placed it right over his heart. I could feel the solid thump of it beating.

"This is our music. It plays only for you."

Jesus, this beautiful man and the beautiful things that came out of his beautiful mouth.

With his hand covering mine on his chest, we slow danced cheek to cheek to the beat of his heart.

"Actions speak louder than words, and I am going to show you every damn second of every damn minute of every goddamn day how much I love you."

"Julien, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you. With all that I am, my heart and my soul and for the rest of my life, I am yours, forever and always."

"Elijah?"

Still chuckling, I asked, "Yeah?"

"I am so completely, absolutely, insanely in love with you."

I sucked in a sharp breath, not expecting the sweet declaration.

"Ditto times infinity."

Julien's brilliant smile made my heart skip a beat.

"One last thing," he said.

I brought the phone closer. "What's that?"

"One day I'm going to ask you to marry me."

And there go the tears.

"Not if I ask you first."

---

"Every part of you is so damn gorgeous, Elijah. Your heart. Your mind. Your body. You take my breath away."

His praise was my addiction. I craved that validation. I knew my self-worth but hearing him say things like that brought me immense joy. It satisfied an empty part of me caused by a mother's absence for most of my life.

"My beautiful Julien."

His quiet steps brought him closer, and that ache grew stronger. Our hands reached for one another at the same time. Being pressed against him was heaven. Being kissed by him, a rapture.

With his lips on mine, he said, "I am, you know."

When I raised my eyes to his, I asked, "Know what?"

"Yours. I'm forever yours."

He took my mouth and made love to me with his tongue, sweeping deeply and tasting me thoroughly.

"Feel how my heart beats only for you," Julien whispered in my ear.

I did. I could feel its strong beat speak its love to mine.

"By the powers vested in me by the state of Hawaii, it is my honor and delight to declare you married and partners in life… for life. You may kiss the groom."

Cheers erupt when I dip Elijah in my arms and kiss him.

Forever his. Forever yours. Forever mine. Forever always.