Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

JULIEN

The horizon looks like it's on fire where the ocean meets the sky. The late afternoon sun hangs precariously, waiting for dusk to arrive so it can disappear. We've been out on the beach for hours, playing in the water and goofing off. Jay doesn't even glance my way when I join him. He's solely focused on Liz as she runs through the small breakers trying to catch the frisbee Elijah tossed. The wind picks it up and curves it right at Ryder's head. He hands it off to her, and she tosses it back, but it sails over Elijah and gets swallowed up by a crashing wave.

"Sorry!" Liz shouts on a giggle.

Like a sexy Baywatch montage, Elijah dives sinuously into the water and comes back up, holding the yellow plastic disk.

"My hero!" Liz exclaims, then yelps when Ry kicks water at her.

She's smiling more, talking more, laughing more. So much like the old Liz, and part of me is extremely happy to see it. Then there's the other part of me that really likes the new version of her. The bold, strong, cusses-like-a-sailor, can-drink-me-under-the-table version.

Trying not to get sand on the beach towel, I carefully sit down and loop my arms over my knees.

"Liz seems to be having fun."

Jay glares at me from under his ball cap. He's been in a foul mood since Wednesday but won't tell me why.

"What's that look for?"

"Nothing."

"Jay, for fuck's sake. What's going on with you?"

"She has fun with you and fucking Ry. Not me. Even Elijah?—"

I stop him right there.

"Hey, watch it," I admonish.

"Oh, fuck off. It's true, and you know it. And don't think I haven't noticed how you keep blowing E off to spend time with Liz."

"I have not."

Liz and I went to the student union for lunch after chemistry class on Thursday. Elijah was at the natatorium doing one of his hydrotherapy sessions, otherwise he would have joined us. The rest of the week, Liz and I have talked and texted, but she's been too busy to meet up in the evening. That's why I suggested a day at the beach. Sundays are my one free day, and Elijah doesn't have to work.

"Is that what this is about? You're jealous because you don't have her complete attention anymore?"

"Fuck you, Jules."

"No, fuck you, Jayson," I counter. "You're not the only one who missed her. You're not the only one who grieved this past year when she was gone. If she wants to hang out with Ry or me or Elijah, that's her choice. You don't get to control her anymore."

Jay looks like he wants to punch the shit out of me, but his anguish comes through loud and clear.

"That's what you think I did? Controlled her?"

I opened the door. Can't close it now.

"In a way, yes. You were so afraid of not being the one she chose that you pushed Ry and me out and basically erected a barbwire fence around her. She was my best friend, and I hardly got to spend time with her because you'd pitch a shit fit if she wasn't tied to your damn hip twenty-four-seven."

"She's my girlfriend. Of course I want to spend all my time with her."

"Liz was your girlfriend. And you just proved my point."

He angrily flips his cap around to face backward on his head. "Have I ever complained about how much time you spend with Elijah?"

Oh my god. It's like arguing with a five-year-old.

"Elijah has nothing to do with this. We're talking about you and Liz."

Knowing exactly where to twist the knife, he replies, "Elijah gave up Stanford for you."

The enormous guilt I will always carry about that has my words flying out carelessly, taking aim at my brother.

"Ever wonder why she has memories of Ry but none of you?" And god dammit, I regret saying it as soon as it comes out of my mouth. "Shit. Shit . I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

I reach for him, but he smacks my hand away.

"One day, she's going to remember."

He gets up and runs over to catch the frisbee Ryder just flung to Liz.

Elijah cups his hands to his mouth. "Babe! Two on three. You're on my team."

I motion for him to play without me.

Liz breaks from the group and jogs over. Her smiling face turns serious when she notices the seriousness in mine.

"Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"Stay there," she says and goes back over to Ry, whispering something in his ear. He nods and tosses the frisbee to Jay, who almost misses it because he's scowling at me.

Liz returns, grabs my wrists, and pulls me up. "Come with me," she says and leads me in the opposite direction from where the guys are. "Okay, we're far enough away. Talk."

I plow my big toe through the sand. "Just stuff with Jay. He said some things. I said some things back. We'll get over it."

Her long, pink-tipped braid blows sideways in the wind, and she flips it over her shoulder. "Anything I can do?"

I wish it was that simple.

Shoving my hands deep into the side pockets of my board shorts, I gaze across the diamond-cut surface of the green Atlantic waters.

"Jay can be difficult. Today is just one of his days to be difficult with me."

Liz nods her head in agreement, and I laugh.

"He hasn't made things easy for you."

Biting her lip, she casts her gaze toward the dunes. "He's been less pushy lately, so there's that." Acting like the subject is closed, she takes my hand. "Let's go for a walk."

As we follow the cuspate shoreline, Liz stops every so often to pick up various shells she likes.

"If I asked you a question, can you promise not to freak out?"

She pockets a broken half of a sand dollar. "Depends on the question."

I follow the trail of our footprints in the sand down the beach to where Jay, Ry, and Elijah are just specks in the distance.

"Would you be willing to go out on a date with Jayson?"

Our argument doesn't matter. He's my brother, and he's hurting. He misses her.

Liz slowly turns to look at me. "I can't."

Okay.

"Why?"

"Ryder."

Not understanding, I ask, "What about him?"

She pulls her braid off her shoulder and nervously grips the end in one hand. "I'm with Ryder."

It takes me a moment to process her meaning. The first thing I think is, not this again with the Liz-Jayson-Ryder triangle of heartbreak.

I meet her trepidatious moss-green eyes. That's not what this is about. Holy fucking shit .

"You… and Ryder?"

"Yes," she replies, her face tight with worry.

Ry hasn't said anything.

"When?"

"Recently."

I mull that over. It explains a lot. Like Ryder being gone all the time, and her excuses of being too busy to go out.

"How recently?"

Her teeth go to town gnawing on her bottom lip. "Since the first day of classes. We kissed… and… talked…" Her cheeks puff out, and she blows out a breath. "We're dating. In a relationship. I don't know what to call it, other than we want to be together. We haven't told anyone yet. Please don't say anything."

Liz was the keeper of my secret when I wasn't ready to tell Jay or my parents that I am bi. She stood by me and supported me when I needed her. Now, she's asking me to do the same for her. In hindsight, however, it was wrong of me to ask her. That secret was the catalyst that led to Jay kicking her out of the house that night. It's my fault?—

Stop it , I reprimand myself. Don't give in to the grief of what-ifs. That grief almost stole the love of my life from me.

"I never took the time to question your sudden decision not to go to Stanford and to come to CU with me. I was just so fucking happy that you did. You gave up everything for me, and all I've been doing is making you miserable."

Elijah's beautiful, haunted eyes shimmer with emotion. "I love you."

"I know you do, and that's part of the problem. I never doubted your love for a single fucking second, but I have made you doubt my love for you, and for that, I am so incredibly sorry. I've failed in every way a man can fail his soulmate. You come first, Elijah. Always. And I'm going to make abso-fucking-lutely sure you never question that again. You're it for me. I don't want Liz or anyone else. I only want you. It fucking killed me when you left. It was my fault because I pushed you to that point. Liz was… is my best friend, but you, Elijah Barnes, are the love of my life."

"I can't keep secrets from Elijah. I won't do it. Not even for you. I'm sorry," I tell her.

Sunlight reflects off the tears in her eyes. "I want Jayson to hear it from me and Ryder."

"I agree. But Liz, are you sure Ryder is who you want?"

"I'm in love with him, Julien. I don't know how it's possible to feel that way for someone so quickly, but I do."

In love? Seems that she remembers more than she realizes. Her memories may be stuck in some hidden place in her subconscious, but her heart knows the truth.

The beating organ in my chest cracks for my brother. Tiny fissures open, and the hope inside leaks out.

"You used to love Jay, too."

Liz looks me dead in the eye, and there's a fire inside them that I've never seen before.

"I'm not your old Liz anymore. I'm not the girl from the pictures on the swing or waiting by the window for Jayson to climb into my bedroom. Those are just stories you told me. The person I am now , her heart belongs to Ryder."

That's the irony of it. Her heart has always belonged to him.

Those invisible cracks splinter apart and gape wider. Jay really has lost her. For good this time. He's not going to understand. This is going to kill him.

"Are you happy?"

She swipes at the tears that drip down her cheeks. "Very happy. It's bizarre, but I feel like I've loved Ryder most of my life."

She has. I've always known, deep down, that it would be her and Ryder, not Jay. Jay knew it, too. It's why he tried to hold on to her so tightly.

But it's like Elijah has told me more than once. You can't help who you love. Your heart wants what it wants.

Trying to be a supportive friend, I say, "Ry is one of the best men I have ever known. The sacrifices he made to allow you to find your happiness with Jay—his capacity for loving you is boundless, Liz. Ry will walk through hell for you. Make sure you will do the same for him because Jay is going to hate him once you tell him."

This is going to change everything. It will forever alter our childhood friendships. Possibly destroy them. And I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place between my brother and my two best friends, all three of them my family and people I love dearly.

Liz kicks at a dissipating wave that rolls to shore. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't pretend to feel something I don't or be someone I'm not."

I absolutely understand where she's coming from. I tried to be the guy everyone expected me to be and deny who I really was. I was miserable.

Our fingers link and hold. "Neither could I. If you and Ry want to be together, don't hide it, especially from Jay."

She nods slowly before saying, "Totally changing the subject, but what's the deal with this Fallon guy? I keep hearing his name passed around campus. I know he and Ryder are friends. Ryder says he and Elijah are tight. But when I ask Ryder about him, he gets all cagey."

We begin our way back, following the ghost trail of our footprints that have mostly been washed away.

"Where do I begin? All I can say is that I think Fallon had a thing for you, but you never gave him the time of day."

She makes a sour face. "Jayson, Ryder, and Fallon liked me? Are you sure I wasn't a whore in high school?"

Horrified she would think that about herself, I set her straight. "Absolutely not. You never cheated. Ever."

Liz pops up on tiptoe and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, Julien. For listening and, well, everything."

She spots Ryder and Jayson floating on their backs in the swells and runs off to join them.

"The two of you were gone for a while. Everything alright?" Elijah asks when he gets to me.

Needing to hold him, I enfold him in my arms and bury myself deep.

"Liz and Ryder hooked up."

"Oh fuck."

Oh fuck indeed.