Chapter 33

I had flashes of awareness,where I knew exactly where I was, who I was with, and what had happened. In between those, it was a void. It wasn’t even darkness, just nothing. I was losing whole chunks of time, and I couldn’t remember a thing about it. Was this how it felt for Beckett? Why was it happening? I guessed it was my brain trying to protect me, but every time I became aware and I was somewhere else, I started to panic.

Now, I was in the most comfortable bed I’d ever felt in my life, with the softest sheets. That meant I wasn’t in jail, right? Jail wouldn’t be this soft. I stretched my arm, accidentally hitting something hard. The thing grunted. Beckett.

I smiled, relieved. I had no idea where I was, but Beckett was right there. His arm snaked around me and pulled me closer.

“Sleep, butterfly.”

I tried to twist my head to see him, but he was holding me so tightly that even that was hard. So I just relaxed into the cloudlike sheets and closed my eyes, as I tried to piece things together.

My throat was on fire, and I really wanted water, but moving was impossible right now. I did the next best thing and inhaled Beckett’s scent. I hoped to ground myself despite my confusion.

He didn’t smell exactly like Beckett, like maybe he’d used a different body wash. I frowned. Why would he use different body wash? I sniffed again.

“Why’re you smellin’ me? Go back to sleep. M’tired.”

“You smell weird.”

“At Wesley’s. Had to use whatever he had. You smell weird too.”

We were at Wesley’s? Why? I guessed that explained the fancy bed and why the place didn’t smell of mildew.

“What happened?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper because honestly, I was terrified to find out if what I remembered was true.

Beckett twisted us around so we were face-to-face, his blue eyes burning a hole in my skull.

“What do you remember?” he said just as quietly.

I closed my eyes, unable to look at him. I knew he wasn’t gonna judge me, but . . .

“I-I walked in and Mr. Chase was there and he was chokin’ you. I grabbed the gun and shot him. He let you go but he was still alive. I remember thinkin’ I had to make sure he was dead. I saw the knife, and everything after that is hazy.”

Beckett’s thumb caressed my cheek, and I leaned into the touch even if I didn’t deserve it.

“Look at me, butterfly.” I squeezed my eyes tighter.

“No.”

Beckett sighed heavily and shifted, but then he moaned in pain. My eyes flew open.

I really took Beckett in then. Deep purple bruising rounded his neck, the fingerprints clear. More black and purple bruising lined the side of his face. The word concussion kept filtering in my mind, but I wasn’t sure why.

“Fuck, you’re hurt! Why are you here? You need to go to the hospital!”

Becks reached out, squeezed my arm and stopped me from jumping out of the bed. “I’m fine. Wesley’s friend Luca looked at me. I just need to take it easy, no screens, no strenuous activity. Please calm down, butterfly. We need to talk.”

I looked down at my hand and frowned at all the little red cuts all over it.

My hands kept slipping on the hilt of the knife. There was just so much blood, it was hard to hold on. I stabbed him again. The blade cut into my palm, but I didn’t even notice. I had to make sure he was dead. I had to protect Becks.

I stumbled to the side of the bed and started to dry heave. Thank fuck there was nothing coming out. I would’ve felt awful.

“Shh, you’re okay, Ri.”

“I-I killed him.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you did.”

“I couldn’t stop. I knew he was dead, but I just couldn’t stop it.”

“You saved me, butterfly. You saved lots of people.”

I looked up at Beckett, terrified to make the next confession.

“I’m happy I did it.”

I thought Becks would be disgusted and hate me. It was one thing to shoot the bastard. He was trying to kill my brother, my true love, so of course I would do anything I needed to save him. It was the after that I should be ashamed of, scared of. But when I thought about that, all I felt was relieved that the fucker was truly gone.

Instead of being disgusted, Becks grinned, his eyes alive with love and maybe a little lust.

“Me too, butterfly. You were so fuckin’ brave. Maybe a little messy, but you protected me when I couldn’t. I didn’t think it was possible, but I love you even more now than I did before.”

I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I was afraid to hurt him more, so I just leaned in and pecked his collarbone.

“What happened after? Everything is a little hazy.”

Beckett gave me a rundown. He let me know how he called Wesley and he and his friend Luca helped get us out of there and take care of the body.

“And it’s good? I mean, I’m figurin’ it is since I’m here and not in jail, but like, I remember a lot of blood.”

Beckett chuckled. “Understatement of the year. It was like The fuckin’ Exorcist up in there. But he said we’re good. I think Wesley is waitin’ until we’re both in better shape before givin’ us the details.”

I frowned. “How long?”

“Yeah. It’s been like 2 days. Maybe 3? I’ve been in and out of it so I’m not sure. But you were . . . strugglin’. Luca had to give you somethin’ to calm you down and help you sleep.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about all that. I barely knew Wesley and still wasn’t sure I could trust him, and I had never even met his friend. I didn’t like that they were involved in this. It felt like they had this massive boulder dangling right over our heads that they could drop at any time they wanted.

Becks seemed to understand my train of thought. “I know. I wish I didn’t have to get him involved, but we were way over our heads, Ri. And there’s no fuckin’ way I was lettin’ you get taken away because of that bastard.”

I leaned against Becks gently, a little more relaxed when his arms wrapped around me.

“We could’ve run.”

“Where would we go, butterfly? We have no money, no resources. We don’t even have a car. Besides, what about Jay?”

Fuck. We couldn’t leave Jay, and he’d just found Dakota who was a real adult with a big-boy job. It wasn’t like we could ask them to spend their lives on the run with us. And what kinda life would that be anyway? Always looking over our shoulders, even more than now. Beckett had made the right choice.

“You’re right. This was the best option. It’s just hard to trust sometimes.”

Beckett snorted. “Believe me, I know. Who you think you got that from?”

We were quiet for a while as I tried to really process everything. I was scared, but not cause of what I’d done exactly. It was cause I barely remembered. It was like someone else had been controlling my body. And that was fuckin’ terrifying. Beckett had explained what it felt like when he gave in to his rage like that, but it was never something I entirely understood. I’d never felt like that before. It was like a part of me opened that I didn’t know existed, and it scared the fuck outta me. I wasn’t a killer. Or well, I didn’t wanna make a habit of it. I didn’t want to be that person. But I also didn’t regret or feel upset about what I did. What the fuck did that say about me as a person?

Beckett stayed quiet and let me process my thoughts, which I was grateful for. I had so many other questions, but I was just too exhausted to ask them now. I did have one, though.

“Where’s Wesley now?” I was surprised he hadn’t come to check on us.

Becks huffed. “Ri, it’s like 4 am. He’s probably sleepin’.”

“Oh shit, really? We should go back to sleep.”

“Yeah. probably.”

“I need to take a piss first. And maybe shower?” I knew they’d cleaned me off, but I could still feel the blood on me.

Becks kissed the side of my head in understanding. “There’s a bathroom attached. Wesley left us towels and a bunch of toiletries and shit so go ahead. I’mma go back to sleep.”

I squeezed him one more time, just another confirmation that he was still here, and slipped out of bed to get cleaned up.

The bathroom was . . . nice. Clean. Updated. Didn’t smell. And the shower was huge. My stomach soured, and I felt a little sick. Was this what my life would’ve looked like if Wesley had taken me when Mom died? Would I have grown up with water heaters that never ran ice cold and showering barefoot because I didn’t have to worry about catching some kind of disease?

Yeah, the bathroom in the apartment wasn’t that bad because I’d splurged on the best cleaning products I could find when we’d first rented it and spent hours scrubbing. I did my best to make the place at least clean, if not nice, and I didn’t mind because it was mine and Becks’s. We got a little space from Dad, we knew the rent money would never be spent on booze or drugs, and we could breathe.

This apartment made me feel ashamed, though, and I still hadn’t seen the whole thing. It was so nice. What did Wesley think when he saw our place? And not the murder scene, but the place itself. Was he disgusted that his offspring lived like that?

Fuck. I needed to get outta my head. It didn’t matter what Wesley thought. We did the best we could. I was proud of that. And if he wasn’t, he could go fuck himself.

I turned the water on in the shower once I’d brushed my teeth and taken a piss. I needed to just not think for a while and shut off my brain. One of Jay’s gummies or magic pills would have come in handy right now.

I settled for taking a shower. It didn’t help. The water pressure was fuckin’ ridiculous, and it was blissfully hot. I should be enjoying it, but it made me feel shitty, like I was turning my nose on the life that Becks worked so hard to give me. It made no sense, but that didn’t change anything. Too much had fuckin’ happened and I was spiraling.

After a few minutes, I gave up and shut the water off. My brain wouldn’t shut up, and no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still felt dirty, so it was pointless.

I grabbed one of the softest towels I’d ever felt. Fuck. Why was everything so nice? Was Wesley rich? I didn’t get that impression, but I was second-guessing everything.

I wrapped the towel around my waist and left my filthy clothes in the middle of the floor. I was finally able to breathe again when I stepped out and got eyes on Becks.

His were closed but opened as soon as I walked in. His expression sharpened when he saw my face.

“What happened?” he demanded, half-sitting up.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. I dropped the towel in the middle of the floor, and stalked to the bed.

“I need you, baby.”

Becks’s face fell. “Riley, I don’t know if I can. The concussion is pretty bad. I still have a hard time movin’.”

“I know. You can lie there. I-I want to ride you. If you’re okay with that. I’ll be gentle, and if you start hurtin’, we’ll stop.”

“Wesley is down the hall.”

I shrugged. Maybe it was wrong, but I really didn’t give a fuck. I was grateful for his help, but I was also feelin’ a little bitter.

“He missed out on me sneakin’ in boyfriends as a teenager. Think of this as makin’ up for lost time.”

Beckett growled, possession clear across his face. “You were never fuckin’ sneakin’ in teenage boys. And you ain’t makin’ up for lost time neither. Only guy you’re sneakin’ anywhere is me.”

I grinned even as I rolled my eyes. “You look hot when you’re jealous.” Beckett scowled. “Don’t worry, baby. You’re the only one. You always have been.”

That satisfied him. Becks lay back on the pillow, his expression intense. “Okay, butterfly. Take what you need. I trust you.