Prologue

Riley was squeezingmy hand so hard, I was a little afraid he might break it. But I didn’t tell him to stop. He was so strong for being so small.

We were standing in front of Mom’s bed. Dad was sitting next to it, holding her hand, but his face was blank. He wasn’t looking at nothing. Just staring. He’d checked out months ago. On the other side of Mom was Pastor John. He prayed over her, whispering something that wouldn’t help. Nothing did. Mom was dying, and there was no point denying it anymore.

Riley tugged on my arm, getting my attention. “Yeah?” I asked him gently. I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him close. Dad hated when I did that. “That boy needs to toughen up. You and your mom are always fucking coddling him. He won’t turn into a man if you keep treating him like a little girl.” But he was only five. I didn’t understand why he needed to be a man already.

“Is Mommy going to heaven now?”

My throat felt really tight, and I didn’t know how to answer that. “What makes you say that?”

Riley shrugged. His brown hair was the same as his mom’s but not as thick. It touched his shoulders now, so I had to see if Mrs. Walsh would cut it for us. I’d tried once but messed it up. I just used Dad’s electric razor on mine. It was the easiest. But I couldn’t do it to Riley. Not when it looked so much like Mom’s.

Finally, those blue eyes that took up half his face looked at me. “I heard Mrs. Walsh and Pastor John talking about it.”

Of course. They couldn’t shut up. It was all I heard too.

It would be so easy to lie to him, but I wouldn’t. Too many people had been lying to him lately. Mommy will get better. Daddy loves you. He’s just sad. Everything will be better soon.

They tried those lies on me, too, but I called them out on it and it stopped. Mom wasn’t getting better. Nothing was.

I let go of Riley’s hand but only to hug him to me. No one said anything. That was a good a sign as any that Dad had lost it. He always screamed at me when I hugged Riley. Said it was unnatural. But I was just trying to make him feel better.

“I don’t know, Ri, but I think so.”

He didn’t cry, just nodded. “She won’t hurt anymore, though, right? That’s what Mrs. Walsh said. She’ll be at peace.”

Mrs. Walsh needed to shut up. But she was also the only grown-up around who even remembered we existed, so I guessed I couldn’t complain too much. Mom wasn’t coherent anymore. That was the word I overheard from the doctors. She didn’t remember anything, including Riley and me. And Dad . . . well, he’d barely even looked at us in weeks. When we did see him, he’d give us that empty stare, grunt, and walk away. The only reason we had food in the house or were going to school was because of Mrs. Walsh.

“Yeah. That’s what they say anyway.”

Riley nodded again, making him look so much older than five. “Ok, then I hope she goes to heaven soon. I don’t want Mommy to hurt anymore.”

My eyes burned but no tears fell. They never did. “Me too.”

“Can I talk to her?” I nodded and picked him up, bringing him closer to the bed. I ignored the dirty looks from Pastor John. Riley needed to see his mom before she died. He needed to say goodbye to her.

I sat him on the edge of the bed, careful not to touch anything.

“Remember, be gentle, Riley.”

My dad didn’t even blink. I didn’t think he saw us. That was how much we didn’t exist to him right now. My belly hurt and I hoped I didn’t get sick all over Mom’s bed.

“Hi, Mommy,” Riley said in a loud whisper.

Mom kept staring straight ahead, like she didn’t hear him. I held onto his hand hard, my eyes burning.

“I know you’re going to heaven now. I’ll miss you, but Beckett said you won’t be sick anymore. So it’s okay to go. I got Beckett here.”

For the first time since they’d told us Mom had cancer, the burning in my eyes turned to real tears. I felt so scared. Not about losing Mom, but being everything Riley needed me to be. I loved being his brother. It was the best gift Dad ever gave me. But how did I take care of him? I was only 10.

It didn’t matter, I realized, as Riley gently hugged Mom and held his arms out so I could pick him up off the bed. I’d figure it out because Riley was all that mattered now. It would be just me and him from now on. Always.

She looked so small in that coffin. Mom had always been larger than life to me, even when she’d gotten sick. She’d tried for so long to not show us how much she was hurting, but I’d known. I could see it. But even at her sickest, she was just . . . Mom. I never really thought someone could replace my first mom, but I didn’t even remember her. I didn’t know what she looked like anymore. Laurie never treated me differently than Riley. I always felt loved and wanted by her. Until she left us.

Dad was missing. Everyone was trying to stay calm and act like nothing was happening, but I could see how frantic some of my aunts were. He had been drinking since the moment the doctor had declared Mom dead, and I didn’t think he’d stopped. Mom’s sister, Aunt Tessa, had picked us up from the house and brought us here because Dad couldn’t. Would he even show up?

Riley was pressed so close to my side, it was like he was glued there. He hadn’t left me at all, not even for a second. I didn’t mind though. I always wanted him there.

I jumped when a hand fell on my shoulder but smiled when I saw it was Mr. Chase. He was Riley’s and my counselor. Mom had forced us to start talking to him right after she’d told us she had cancer. I thought it was stupid at first, but secretly I loved going to his office. I was glad he was here.

“Hi, Mr. Chase!” Riley bounced a little at my side, causing me to smile.

“Hi, Riley. You look really handsome in your suit.”

“It’s itchy. And hot.”

I looked down at him, frowning. “How about we take your jacket off, Ri? As soon as Pastor John finishes with his speech, you can get changed, okay?”

“I guess.” I took his jacket from him and then looked up at Mr. Chase, who was watching us carefully. I looked away.

“Have you boys eaten?”

“I got Riley cereal before we left. Aunt Tessa said there’s food after.”

Mr. Chase nodded. “Good, make sure you take care of yourself too, Beckett.”

He walked away, leaving Ri and me alone again.

They found Dad eventually, but he was too drunk to be left alone with us, or so Aunt Tessa said, so she stayed the night. It didn’t matter to me either way. She hadn’t been there all those nights Mom was too sick to get out of bed and I got Riley dinner, gave him a bath, and got him to sleep. She was never there in the mornings when I’d made both of us lunch and walked Riley to the bus stop for kindergarten. But whatever. If she wanted to be here tonight, I wasn’t gonna stop her.

I helped Riley into his Batman pajamas and then helped him brush his teeth before bringing him to his bed. I was so tired and just wanted sleep.

“Beckett?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you stay, please?”

I swallowed. I kind of wanted my own bed, but I’d never tell Riley no. Especially not today.

“Scoot over.”

He grinned at me and rolled himself over so he was nearly hanging off the bed. I slid in next to him and then pulled him close so he wouldn’t fall off.

My eyes started to feel really, really heavy and I couldn’t keep them open. That was when Riley twisted around to look at me.

“Beckett?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t leave me, alright?”

I forced my eyes open. “I already told you I’d stay tonight.”

He shook his head, his too big eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

“No! I mean forever. Don’t leave me.”

Even I knew I shouldn’t promise that. Everyone left eventually. But I couldn’t tell him that. It was true enough anyway. I’d never leave him on purpose. Not ever.

“Okay, Ri. I won’t leave you. It’s you and me forever.”

He smiled, looking happy for the first time in days. “Always?”

I squeezed him tight. “Always.”