Chapter 9

Jay:You need to get home now. Something happened with Beckett.

My hands shook as I checked my phone, yet again, but there was still nothing new. As soon as I got the text, I ran out the store, not giving a fuck. Luckily, since it was still early, my boss was there, but honestly, I’d have left it anyway.

I didn’t bother waiting for the subway and splurged on an Uber to get home. We’d have to dig into the tuition money to get groceries this week, but none of that mattered. Especially when Jay wouldn’t answer his fuckin’ phone. Both his and Beckett’s were going right to voicemail. Who the hell sent a text like that and then ghosted me?

Luckily, we both had “find our location” on, so I knew they were back at the apartment, or I’d be losing it. Well, more then I already was. I didn’t even say bye to the poor Uber driver, just scrambled out of his car before he even put it in park.

The five flights took forever. Why the hell wasn’t there an elevator in this place? Then again, that would be just as slow. I was out of breath and my heart was beating a mile a minute by the time I got to my door. I was imagining all kinds of worst-case scenarios, and when Jay opened the door before I could even get my key out, those scenarios just got worse.

I’d seen Jay in all kinds of terrible situations. Fuck, I’d helped clean him up almost as much as Becks. But I’d never seen him look as scared as he did now.

“What happened?”

“He’s restin’, kid. He’s gonna be pissed I called you. Didn’t wanna freak you out.”

Well, he was failin’ there. I pushed past Jay, too panicked to even listen to whatever bullshit he was about to tell me.

“Riley!” he hissed in a loud whisper. I pushed open the door to the room and froze in place when I saw my big brother curled up in a ball in the middle of our bed.

When we’d first gotten our own place, we’d tried the two-bed thing and had barely lasted a week. We’d spent way too much of our lives sharing a bed, and neither of us could sleep alone, even just on other sides of the room. Beckett was too big to squeeze in a twin side bed with me, so we’d pushed the two of them together. Eventually, our neighbor left to go to a nursing home and his daughter gave us his bed and bedroom furniture. The queen-sized bed barely fit in the room, but we didn’t give a fuck. We finally had enough room to stretch out.

Now, though, my brother, who was always so much larger than life to me, seemed so small. He was in the fetal position on top of the blankets, wearing the black jeans and white T-shirt that said Walter’s on the back that he’d left the apartment in. His arms, so covered in dark tats that it was impossible to make out one from the other, were wrapped around his knees, that were pushed up against his chest. His dirty blond hair, that was usually styled slicked back, hung in sweaty clumps on his face. Even in his sleep, I could see he was suffering, his eyes squeezed tight and his nose scrunched as he fought whatever demons were inside his mind.

That pain in my heart that began the second Jay had started to speak only got worse, takin’ over all my other senses. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen Becks like this, but it didn’t make it any easier. Through all the shit we’d been through, he was always the strong one, the one that held me and told me it was gonna be fine. It was always so hard seeing my big brother, my protector, my everything like this.

I staggered back, holding my chest as the pain burned into my soul.

Jay came to stand in the doorway, and looked really worried.

“I tried to take his clothes off, but he lost it when I touched him. I managed to get his boots off once he passed out, but that was it.”

I glared at him. “What happened? You need to work on your emergency texting, by the way. That was the fuckin’ worst.”

I shoulda been there. I didn’t even know what happened, but I knew without a doubt that it wouldn’t have gotten this bad if I was fuckin’ there.

“Sorry, I was kinda focused on gettin’ him home. He collapsed in the middle of the fuckin’ shelter. I had to practically beg the lady who runs it not to call 9-1-1. It was a fuckin’ shitshow, kid.”

I stormed up to Jay, and slammed my hand in his chest. I knew he meant well. He was like another brother to us, but it was hard to see past that with my rage and fear front and center.

“What. Happened?”

Jay put his hands up in surrender. “Easy, little man. I’m not the enemy here.”

I took a step back, trying to get my shit together. My jaw hurt I was clenching it so tightly, but I needed to get it together. I shouldn’t be taking it out on Jay.

I scrubbed my face. “I’m sorry, Jay. I’m actin’ like an asshole.”

Jay’s shrugged, his gaze fell on Becks real quick before it came back on me. “Honestly, I don’t really know. Beck suggested we go check out some of the shelters to see if my mom was there. We were just standin’ in the entry of the first one. He was totally fine. I think he saw someone through the glass, and then this . . .” He waved his hand at Becks.“Did he say who the guy was?” Maybe it was one of Dad’s buddies? Or one of his dealers? Becks had had more than one run-in with them over the years. But Jay shook his head.

“I’d never seen the dude before. The manager said his name was . . . Mr. Chance, Case, Chase? Somethin’ like that. By then, I’d already realized somethin’ was up with Becks so I wasn’t really listenin’. Then Becks collapsed and I forgot all about him.”

I ran the names through my head, tryin’ to see if any sounded familiar. I remembered Mr. Chase, the counselor Mom had us talk to as kids, but it couldn’t have been him, right? Why would that guy cause Becks to have a panic attack? I was pretty sure he’d even helped us a couple times.

Beckett whimpered, and his body thrashed some in his sleep. None of that mattered now. There was nothing I could do about it until later. I had to get to Becks. It could’ve been anything that set him off. I pushed my jeans down, not giving a fuck that Jay was there.

“Thanks, Jay, for takin’ care of him. Sorry I flipped on ya.”

He shrugged. “No biggie. I’m used to that when it comes to the two of you.” What did that mean? He looked back at me, and I realized then how fuckin’ tired he looked. “Not to seem like a total asshole, but do you think I’m okay to bail for a bit. I have work in a few hours, and I really want a fuckin’ shower.”

“You can shower here, you know.”

He shook his head. “No. You two need space. Plus, your water heater fuckin’ sucks. I can at least get 10 minutes of lukewarm water in mine.” He grinned, trying to lighten the mood. I didn’t buy it, not with the worry in his dark eyes and the circles that looked like bruises under them. But I let it go. I had to get to Beckett.

“I’m good. Thanks again, Jay.”

I didn’t wait for him to leave the room before I crawled into bed. Beckett stirred as I wrapped my body around him, one hand buried in his hair, my knees pressed into his shins, and our faces are just inches apart. I’d done some googling when it came to nightmares and shit like that, and every single result would have told me that I was doing the wrong thing. But I knew my Beckett.

He stiffened in my hold, just for a second. “Shh, Becks, it’s just me. You’re safe.”

“Butterfly?” His voice sounded rough, and I wasn’t sure if he was all the way present.

“Yeah, it’s me. Your butterfly.”

“Don’t leave me.”

Fuck. I squeezed him tighter.

“I ain’t goin’ anywhere, Becks. I’ll be here. It’s you and me, remember?”

“Forever,” he whispered, already halfway back to sleep.

“Always,” I responded as he finally relaxed in my hold, and fell back into the rough sleep I’d found him in.

Sleep didn’t come as easily for me. I stayed up for I didn’t know how long, just watching Becks. I mentally traced the faded scar across his cheek. Even as I’d stitched him up in dirty bathroom of the motel we were staying at during that time with Dad, he wouldn’t tell me how he got it. It hurt, that he wouldn’t share with me, but I knew he had his reasons. Even all these years later, I had no fuckin’ clue, but I’d watched him staring at it with that dead look in his eyes long enough to know I was probably better off not knowing.

What happened tonight? I wracked my brain, as I tried to figure out who that guy was, what I coulda done to help him more— basically anything. But truth was, there was probably nothing. We both had our damage, and who knew what would trigger us on any given day? Becks would be fuckin’ pissed if he knew I was stressing over it. So, I snuggled in even tighter, and breathed just a bit easier when he snaked an arm around my back and pulled me against his chest. As much as I tried to stop them, tears streamed down my cheeks against my will. I buried my face in Beckett’s chest, trying to ease my nerves. He smelled like sweat and vomit, but I didn’t give a fuck. It was Becks, and that was all I needed.