Chapter 3 Indie

Chapter 3

Indie

When I get back to the parking lot a little later, my car is the only one remaining, as I expected. The silence of the forest is a reminder that I’ll be back in the chaos of the city soon, and I hate it, which is why I need to talk to Brianna, tell her about what I’m going to do. She’s not going to like it . . . I just hope she understands.

After loading my bike, I connect my phone to the car and text Brianna asking if I can come over. All the peace that I found on the trail starts to fade as the city gets closer.

Chicago has been my home since I moved to the city from my rural Illinois hometown for college. After graduating with my master’s, I took a job using my Human Resources degree that promised growth and development opportunities. One that would set me on a path to climb the corporate ladder, and would allow me to be self-sufficient. It was practical, with good insurance, but the work hasn’t been fulfilling for years .

All I want now is to do something that would make my mom proud, and allow me to have more of the things that soothe me at my fingertips: my friends, the mountains, the wilderness.

Pulling into the lot near Brianna’s apartment, I lock the car and cross the street to her building. Buzzing her apartment, I bounce on the balls of my feet. Not just because of my still-damp clothes from riding, or the temperature dropping with the sun going down, but from the nervous energy running through me, fueled by knowing the conversation I need to have is likely going to hurt both of us.

I like Brianna, she’s smart and thoughtful, and easily the best person I’ve ever dated. She’s gorgeous and there’s chemistry between us—enough that neither of us are left wanting, but not the kind that burns the house down around you.

Like I had with him. Every time I let my mind wander to that kind of explosive chemistry, one person comes to mind. It was a slip; one night when I gave into our connection and let myself just fucking feel—something I never allow; not outside of physically exhausting my mind and body. Although, now that I think about it, that’s exactly what he did, several times .

But I can’t think about him right now. Not when the door clicks open to Brianna’s apartment building. My hands twist together as the elevator carries me up to the third floor. Things are good and I’m about to throw a major wrench in them.

Brianna’s dark red hair is piled on top of her head and her face is scrubbed free of makeup as she waits by her apartment door for me. Fucking stunning. How I got so lucky to spend the last few months with someone like her is beyond me.

“You’re in so much trouble.” She eyes my mud-splattered legs before her gaze moves up, roaming over my body, checking for damage and pausing when she sees the dried blood starting on my elbow and running down my arm. “What the hell, Ind?”

Her soft hands wrap around my wrist, gently turning my arm over in her hands, a frown tugging down those puffy lips. When she takes care of me like this it’s easy to forget that I’m supposed to be the one that has it together. I’m six years older, and out of school. But as I stand bloodied and broken on her doorstep, I just feel like a failure. Recently unemployed and careless, making my sweet girlfriend worry.

“It’s fine, I just grazed a tree, I’ll tuck my elbow next time. Promise.” I smile, hiding the wince when the pad of her thumb brushes over a tender spot that is certain to bruise by morning.

“This is not fine! You come back to me hurt after taking off by yourself. It was dangerous.”

My lips roll together. She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. This is who I am; who I morph into when life gets hard. This crutch has gotten me through cancer treatments with my mom, shitty exes, grad school, and grief. It’s been like this for so long I don’t know how to be normal anymore.

Her hand comes to my face cupping it. “Shit, babe. What happened today?”

I can’t help it. Even knowing I’m about to dismantle us, I let her pull me in, melting as soon as her arms wrap around me. “Can we go inside and talk?” Closing my eyes, I press my face into the crook of her neck, trying to memorize how good it feels to be held like this.

“Of course, but before we talk, you’re going to let me clean up this arm,” Brianna says, twining her fingers through mine and leading me into her apartment.

I wait on the couch while she grabs the first aid kit from the bathroom. Looking around the apartment, my eyes settle on the picture frame on her coffee table. A familiar pain lances through my heart. Her mom is kissing her cheek, and there’s bright smiles on both of their faces at Bri’s college graduation—something my mom never got to see. By then she had lost her battle and it was just Poppy and Dad at my graduation, both of them doing everything they could to get even a hint of a smile out of me. As soon as they left after dinner that night, I went for a run; ten miles on the lakeshore trail, alone, tears streaming down my face the entire time.

Brianna comes back into the room and I pull my eyes from the photo, forcing a smile until it feels right. At least that part has gotten easier. I’ve learned how to mask my pain, hiding it so it doesn’t make other people uncomfortable—or worse—worry about me.

The minty notes of her shampoo engulf me as she leans in close, cleaning my arm before she spreads a cool salve over it and covers it up with a large band-aid. Her tenderness with me only makes this harder.

“Feel better?” I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lap.

“Not really.” Her laughter rattles around uncomfortably between us. “But that’s probably not going to change until you tell me what’s going on with you. What happened today that had you running wild?”

“I quit my job,” I say aloud for the first time. The words don’t shock me like I expect, and to Brianna’s credit, she doesn’t flinch. “Everything went perfect during the presentation, but afterward JC and I met to go over everything and he let me know I wasn’t getting the promotion as promised.”

“I hate that guy,” Brianna seethes, scooting closer and gripping my face with both hands. “You earned that promotion. When you practiced with me last week, your delivery was flawless. Every single question I threw at you was answered with insight into the data and benchmarking.”

“I know. Really, I do. That’s why I quit on the spot, without a plan.” This time it’s me laughing, only instead of sounding nervous, I sound manic.

“That’s okay. We can figure it out together.”

Fuck. This next part is what I’ve been dreading, but I’m confident in my decision. There’s just one thing I’m questioning: what happens with us.

“I sort of have a plan already,” I start, turning towards her and facing this head on. “That’s why I ran to the trails. To think.”

“And what did you come up with?” she asks, nibbling the corner of her lip. Reaching out, I pull it free, dragging a sigh out of her as well. “Just tell me. Don’t make me suffer.”

“I’m moving to Denver. Things here feel stagnant. I’ve been in the same apartment since college and work so much that the only time I spend my hard-earned money is traveling. I want—no, I need to get out of this city. There’s too much painful history. And this job was the thing that kept me here. ”

She winces, but I can’t bring myself to apologize. It’s the truth. I like Brianna, but we aren’t in love.

“I’ve been chasing this promotion for years like it was the one thing that could make me happy, but it’s not. Nothing about that job—the corporate world—has ever made me truly happy. Was it challenging? Yes. But that’s it.”

“What about me? Don’t I make you happy?” The way she asks isn’t desperate or clingy. Brianna is analytical, she needs all the facts. This is her gathering information, so she knows what she’s dealing with.

“You do.” I hedge.

“Just not happy enough to stay for.”

“Would you stay for me?” I ask, even though I know her answer.

“No,” she says softly.

“And I wouldn’t want you to. If losing my mom taught me anything, it’s that nothing in this life is guaranteed. Life doesn’t care about the accolades you receive at work, or the money you have in the bank. It’s cruel, and I want to counteract that.”

“And you’re going to do that by moving to Denver?”

“I’m moving to Denver for me, but my support system is there. Once I’ve settled in, I want to freelance for nonprofits. Starting over won’t be easy, but it will be less daunting than staying here. Knowing they all have my back will let me focus on building something new, taking what I learned in the corporate world and creating volunteer programs, maximizing their human capital, whatever they need.”

“You’ll be great at that, but at the risk of sounding selfish, where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know.” I sigh.

“When are you leaving?” she asks.

“Maybe a few weeks. I have a few things I need to get in order before I can just pack up.”

“Let’s take things one day at a time. I’ll be honest, long-distance this early in our relationship sounds daunting, but I’m not ready to just call it quits.”

“That doesn’t seem fair to you— ”

“Don’t pacify me. I know what I’m getting into. All I’m asking is that we are open and honest with each other. If at any point it’s not working for either of us, we let the other know.”

“That sounds practical.”

“You know me. I’m nothing if not logical. Romantic, isn’t it?”

“Well, no one’s ever taken care of me quite the way you do. That’s pretty romantic.” Since my mom died and Poppy moved to Denver, I’ve been mostly on my own. But even though my dad and I still talk more days than not, and I drive home at least once a month to see him, it’s not the same.

Taking my hand, Brianna pulls me up from the couch, leading me through the small apartment to her bedroom. With no job to rush to in the morning, there’s no reason I can’t stay the night.

Everything else can wait until tomorrow.