Chapter 19 Indie

Chapter 19

Indie

For as long as I can remember, I’ve needed to be on the move.

After my mom’s diagnosis, it only got worse. Sitting idle was physically painful, like my skin was being stretched by energy that had no way to get out. Biking was something my mom and I loved to do together. The sicker she got, the more I pushed it, riding on trails and longer distances. When I couldn’t ride, I’d run or hike anything that got me outside and wore me out.

Usually it’s enough to do the trick, especially coupled with anxiety meds, but sometimes the agitation wins out and that’s when I end up being a little reckless. Not because I don’t value my life, but because I need to feel something other than grief and panic. The adrenaline seems to calm it, at least temporarily.

Needless to say, I’m not adjusting well to this injury. So when Dr. Smith called after sitting around for almost a week to tell me they had a project they needed help with, I figuratively jumped at the chance to do something useful. Our meeting got off to a rocky start when she saw me hobbling in on crutches and insisted she look at my foot .

Now that she’s confirmed it’s not broken, just badly sprained as expected, and forced a boot on me to help me get around better, we are finally getting down to the reason I’m here in the first place—staffing a second location. Beyond that, they also need help to set up a volunteer structure for a future sexual assault crisis hotline that they are hoping to roll out later this year.

“It’s a big undertaking, but I’m confident that we can meet the deadline. I’ll start on it right away,” I tell Maryann as she walks me to the door. As much as I protested the boot, telling her it was unnecessary, I’ve got to admit it’s so much better than those crutches.

“I have no doubt. If you still have some time this evening, that support group is meeting in about—” She glances down at the delicate silver watch on her wrist. “Twenty minutes. That’s just long enough to grab a coffee and make it back in time.”

“You planned this, didn’t you?”

The glint of humor in her eyes and wry grin give her away. She absolutely did this on purpose. “Only some kind of evil genius would do that.”

“In that case, see you later, Gru.”

Passing my car on the way, I drop off my crutches, since I no longer need them with the boot. I could just get in and go home, but after everything Dr. Smith has done for me, going to this meeting hardly seems like a sacrifice. Like she said, all I have to do is listen. It won’t change anything.

There’s not enough time to make it to Buns I pick one close to the edge and perch on the end, removing the boot. I wiggle my toes ignoring the twinge of pain and walk to the stairs slowly. Without the support of the boot my foot throbs with each step.

High shrubs surround the pool, giving me a sense of privacy that makes me brave enough to strip my shirt over my head. Next come the shorts. After a quick glance around to make sure I’m still alone, I peel them down my legs.

Getting caught completely naked, while unappealing, seems less uncomfy than riding home in a stranger’s car, commando. So underwear go as well, creating a mountain of evidence that will give away what I’m doing if anyone finds me here.

Since I’m standing bare-fucking-naked in the backyard of a guy who I barely tolerate, I don’t waste any time. With each calculated step, the sublime temperature of the water coaxes my body to relax. By the time I’m neck deep, everything feels a touch better—mind and body.

Using my arms since my ankle is still too tender to really kick, I pull myself across the water at a lazy pace. It’s not the breakneck speed I’m used to when I’m biking or running, but after dozens of laps, my heart pounds against my ribs and my brain calms enough to process what led me here.

I flip to my back and float in the middle of the pool watching the sky morph from blue to pink as the sun sets .

Year after year, I go over the same decision, but tonight was the first time I’ve ever connected with the decision emotionally. In the past, it’s always been about my mom and what she went through—a fast no.

Hearing Beck so candidly share her experience resonated in a way nothing else ever has. No matter how many doctors or nurses have tried to persuade me with statistics, anecdotes, or pamphlets, none of them have touched the impact the blue-haired pixie made on me. She was so sure of her decision. I want that for me. Peace in knowing, whatever the outcome.

Tears roll down the side of my face, mixing with the water, the magnitude of the decision settling over me like a rain cloud. If I do this, I can’t un-know the results. Beck let it free her, but what if I do it and it traps me. Maybe that’s why I’ve run from this decision every year.