Chapter Eighteen

Aksel was staring at him strangely.

Lucien kept his eyes on the food, trying to seem oblivious and not flustered at all, but he was probably failing.

After last night... He didn't know how to behave around Aksel. He wished he'd been more inebriated and forgotten the whole encounter entirely. But he remembered everything . Everything he'd done and everything he'd said.

He'd never been so mortified in his life. Mortified and worried. Had he said too much? Had Aksel figured out that he'd broken things off for reasons that had nothing to do with being disgusted with their relationship?

God, he hated that a part of him hoped for that, against all logic and sense.It was stupid. Aksel was marrying another omega. And not just any omega but Lucien's half-brother. His young, healthy half-brother who could give Aksel everything Lucien couldn't: a respectable mate and a family. What had happened last night didn't—couldn't—matter.

Lucien kept telling himself that, but his heart still twisted with poisonous jealousy and possessiveness every time Dylan touched Aksel's arm to get his attention, every time he leaned close and smiled at him. Rationally, he knew that this was a good thing for Aksel, that this was what Lucien had wanted for him, but his heart didn't seem to understand it. It hurt. And it made him angry. With himself, with Dylan, with Aksel, with this entire situation—and most of all, angry with the assholes who'd ruined him decades ago, making him unsuitable as a mate.

He knew it was illogical. Sometimes, in his weakest moments, he allowed himself to imagine a life where he hadn't been assaulted at fourteen. But in that hypothetical life, he would have been long married off to another alpha. He would have never come to know Aksel.They would have been strangers to each other.The thought was far more unsettling than anything that had happened to him.

After breakfast was finally over, Lucien tried to leave quickly. But a firm grip on his arm stopped him.

"A word," Aksel said.

His stomach in knots, Lucien could only nod. He could hardly refuse when they were in public, after all.

He followed Aksel to one of the unused sitting rooms on the first floor.

"Is this about what happened last night?" Lucien said, wetting his lips with his tongue when Aksel shut the door. "Look, we both were tipsy and—"

"No," Aksel said, his blue eyes pinning him in place. "It's about what happened a year ago. You lied to me."

Lucien's heart started beating faster. "I don't—I don't know what you mean."

Aksel took a step closer.

Lucien took a step back.

"You know exactly what I mean," Aksel said, his voice deceptively calm, but his scent, thick and agitated, betraying his anger. He stepped closer and tipped Lucien's chin up with his fingers. "Do you take me for an idiot? Last night, you weren'tdisgusted at all. You were green with jealousy. Jealousy and possessiveness."

Flushing, Lucien opened his mouth, wanting to deny that, but he knew it was useless. Aksel wasn't an idiot. He wouldn't be fooled by a lie.

"I've never denied my attraction to you," he said, struggling to hold Aksel's gaze. "But that's all it is. Physical attraction."

"You were jealous," Aksel said, his hand on his chin sliding down and cradling his neck. "Admit it."

Lucien shivered violently, barely suppressing the urge to lean into the touch like a starved thing. He was starved. Last night's sex had only made him hunger for more. His body felt alive, every nerve focused on Aksel.

"I will admit no such thing," Lucien managed. "But I can admit that it... bothers me that out of thousands of omegas, you chose my half-brother. Did you do that out of spite? I thought you were better than that."

"No," Aksel said with a humorless twist of his lips, his eyes boring into Lucien. "I chose him because I had no other choice. Thanks to you, all other omegas smell wrong to me. His scent is the only one I can tolerate."

Lucien stared at him, his mind reeling. What Aksel was saying… it shouldn't have been possible. Every alpha had dozens of compatible omegas out there. True mates were a myth. Right?

And yet, it was no different for him: all other alphas but Aksel had always smelled wrong. But he'd thought it had to do with the trauma in his past rather than… this.

"Lucien."

Lucien snapped out of his confusing thoughts.

Aksel was gazing at him steadily. "My engagement to your brother wouldn't bother you if you felt nothing for me besides physical attraction. You wouldn't care. But you do. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth now."

Lucien looked at him helplessly. He was out of lies and half-truths. He couldn't come up with anything more. "Just drop it," he whispered. "Please. If you care for me at all, leave me be. Please, darling."

Aksel glared at him with such force Lucien would have flinched if it were any other alpha.

"Don't," Aksel said. "Don't you darling me. And don't you dare use my feelings for you to get me to drop it. I won't. Not this time. I need the truth, Lucien. Tell me why you really broke things off. Why you lied to me."

Lucien's shoulders slumped. Clearly Aksel wouldn't leave the matter alone until he told him the truth. He had no other choice.

Dropping his gaze, Lucien crossed his arms over his chest and took a deep breath.

"Decades of strong suppressants ruined my reproductive system," he said, looking at the top button of Aksel's shirt. "I don't even get regular heats anymore. My doctor thinks I'm infertile. Even if, by some miracle, I manage to get pregnant, I'm extremely unlikely to be able to carry to term. My womb is useless." I'm useless .

There was a long, heavy silence.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Aksel bit out.

Frowning, Lucien looked up.

And flinched.

He'd never seen Aksel so angry. So livid."You think I fucking care about your womb ?"

Lucien flushed, starting to get angry too. "You don't understand! An omega with a barren womb is defective! Useless! I'm even more ruined than everyone considers me to be! I'm nothing! A waste of space!"

All the anger seemed to suddenly drain out of Aksel's body. He looked at Lucien for a long moment before stepping close and pulling him into his arms. He held him, just held him, without saying anything.

His eyes burning with tears, Lucien stayed still in the circle of his arms before finally giving in and burying his face against Aksel's throat with a small whimper he didn't managed to suppress. He breathed harshly, raggedly, trying not to cry.

He cried anyway. He felt so achingly safe in Aksel's arms, like he was finally home after more than a year of being alone, and it hurt that he couldn't stay like this forever. Aksel could never be his home. But for this short, stolen moment, he could fool himself that he was, that they could have forever.

"You're not a waste of space," Aksel said after a long time. His voice was quiet, strained. "It hurts me to think that you still think of yourself this way. You're perfect as you are, Lucien."

Chuckling harshly, Lucien shook his head.

Perfect? That couldn't be further from the truth.

Gently tipping his face up, Aksel forced him to look him in the eyes. "Listen to me. I don't care that you can't give me children." His tone was firm, but Lucien could detect a hint of sadness in his scent.

"You're lying," he whispered.

Aksel pulled a face, his expression pinched. "All right, I admit that I would have loved to have a big family with you. But that's just a base alpha instinct to breed and procreate. I'm not just my instincts." He held Lucien's gaze, his blue eyes steady and sincere. "My love for you is more than just my instincts. I love you, Lucien. You . I've loved you for decades, and you're kidding yourself if you think your infertility will stop me from loving you. You're more than enough for me. You're everything to me."

Lucien struggled to swallow the lump in his throat. He suddenly almost hated Aksel, for saying everything he wanted to hear—and everything he couldn't have. If Lucien had loved him less, he might have accepted Aksel's love and damn the consequences. But he didn't love him less. He loved him too much to ruin his life by shackling him to an old, useless, barren omega with a destroyed reputation and nonexistent social standing.

His vision getting blurry, Lucien cradled Aksel's scruffy face with his hands and whispered hoarsely, "Thank you. Thank you for loving me." I love you too. I love you so much . "But I can't accept your love. Your sacrifice. We have no future together, Aksel."

"Luci—"

"Please," Lucien croaked out. "Please stop pushing. I can't do this. You may think you want me, that you don't care about the scandal, the lack of children, but after years of being ostracized and gossiped about, you'll start resenting me. You'll see your friends surrounded by a gaggle of sweet children and you will regret not mating an omega who could give you that, an omega you would have been proud to show off as your mate. I can never be that omega for you. I'm sorry." His vision was so blurry with tears he could no longer even see Aksel's face clearly. "In another life, a better life, you and I could have been happy together, but this isn't that life." He turned and all but ran out of the room before his resolve could shatter.

He didn't even make it to his room before he burst into ugly sobs.