Chapter Nine

The next month was somehow both the best and worst month in Aksel's life.

He could finally touch Lucien to his heart's content—that was, until Lucien recovered from the pleasure Aksel had given him, grew uncomfortable and ashamed, and then avoided him like the plague for a day or two.Aksel couldn't say he was surprised. Lucien was... Lucien. He would blame himself and feel guilty for every imagined sin. Aksel had little doubt that Lucien had gotten into his head that he was at fault for allowing Aksel liberties, as if he could force Aksel to eat him out or come all over his breasts.

Luckily, Lucien's avoidance didn't last long; he didn't seem capable of resisting his impulses, so they ended up all over each other within days. And then the cycle of guilt and lust repeated itself, again and again.

It was maddening.

It was infuriating, because Lucien never said anything explicitly, forcing Aksel to be the initiator every time. Aksel could understand why. If Lucien didn't say that he wanted him verbally, he could still claim plausible deniability at least in his own mind. Aksel had been happy enough to allow him to keep his delusions, as long as it kept Lucien's shame and guilt at bay, but it was getting a little ridiculous. Ridiculous and frustrating.It was obvious that Lucien wanted it. He smelled of want, his scent receptive and eager, and his body... Fuck, these days, Lucien's shirts seemed to get thinner and thinner, outlining his perfect tits obscenely, his nipples always hard and practically begging for Aksel's mouth. He was flaunting his tits. He might as well be naked.

The sight drove Aksel fucking crazy. He wanted to latch onto his nipples right there, in front of everyone, and suck.

Fuck, it felt like he was always hard these days, his cock heavy and throbbing whenever Lucien was close. He was afraid that one day he would snap and take what was being offered.

Except it wasn't being offered, not really.

Lucien was still too skittish to do anything besides fooling around. He seemed finally comfortable enough to have his tits fondled and sucked—more than comfortable, if the way he got absolutely wet every time Aksel as much as got his mouth on his tits was any indication—and he seemed eager enough to be finger-fucked or eaten out, but he got tense every time Aksel's cock came anywhere near his hips.

Though he seemed fine with letting Aksel come on his tits.

It should have been enough.

But it wasn't.

And that was the crux of the issue. No matter how much Lucien let him touch him, it was never enough. Aksel wanted more. He wanted everything .

But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't have everything. Not with Lucien. He'd known that for years.

Looking back, Aksel couldn't remember a time he hadn't wanted him. With the perspective of an adult, he could see what had happened: his Xeus had imprinted on Lucien when he was a kid. His beast had chosen Lucien for a mate long before Aksel had even understood what mating meant.

But in all fairness, it wouldn't be accurate to blame his feelings only on the Xeus's mating instincts.

The simple truth was, Aksel loved Lucien.

It hadn't always been the love of a man, of course. Akselcouldn't pinpoint when exactly his love had started shifting from the innocent love of a child for the kind, vulnerable omega he'd imprinted on to the love of an alpha for the omega he wanted to mate. The boundaries had always been murky. But when he'd started getting erections while Lucien kindly nursed him back to health, he'd known there was no going back for him.It had been hell. He'd known it was wrong, but he'd often pretended to be hungrier than he was so that he could touch and suck on Lucien's tits more often. He couldn't get enough, wanting him so damn badly.

But he'd known Lucien would never be his. Anything between them was impossible. He'd understood that even as a horny eighteen-year-old.Their society would never allow it. After everything Lucien had been through, Aksel would rather slit his own throat than make him the subject of another scandal.

So he'd tried to keep some distance. He'd tried to keep his feelings to himself. They would get him nowhere.

But eight years ago, with the sweet scent of Lucien's heat weakening his resolve and bringing his alpha instincts to the surface, he had lost the battle with himself. It was lucky Royce had stopped him. And never mind that he'd wanted to kill his brother at the time. Royce had done the right thing. The smart thing. And he'd done another smart thing when he'd shipped him off to the army.

Aksel had hoped distance and time would kill his inappropriate infatuation, or at least would twist it back into the platonic, innocent love it had once been.

But no such thing happened. All that distance and time had accomplished was to make it obvious that Lucien would always be his home.His home and his ultimate hell. Because everything that made it impossible for them to be together was still as valid now as it had been eight years ago.

Lucien was his father's husband. It didn't matter that the marriage hadn't been real. In the eyes of society, it made any relationship between them salacious, twisted, and perverse. Aksel would never subject Lucien to that kind of humiliation. Lucien didn't deserve it, had never deserved public scorn and derision. Aksel would not give the gossipmongers another stick to beat Lucien with. He deserved better. He deserved so much better.

So when Aksel had returned home after eight years away, he'd been resolved to apologize for his past actions and keep his distance.

Unfortunately, his instincts—and his greedy, starved heart—didn't agree with his brain. He could no more keep his distance from Lucien than a thirsty man could keep his distance from a well of fresh, cool water. He was no saint.

So he allowed himself to touch him, just a little, to take the edge of his thirst off. But he was only a man, and a man who had to pacify the beast that lived under his skin. The beast didn't understand why it couldn't have its mate. The beast only knew how to want and take. And the faintest scent of Lucien's arousal was enough to drown out all his rational thoughts and bring the beast to the surface. All his resolve seemed to melt away whenever Lucien looked at him with those hungry, lost eyes.

He was his own worst enemy.

This could end only in a heartache. It didn't matter that Lucien wanted him physically. Lucien's body was simply starved for physical touch and pleasure; his mind still balked at being with Aksel that way. It was just physical for him, nothing more.

For Aksel, it was more. He didn't want just Lucien's body.He wanted his heart. He wanted to crawl under his skin and never, ever get out.He wantedeverything. He wanted forever . He knew he could never have it.

But no matter what his rational side said, his body rebelled. Hecouldn't stop his body from reacting when Lucien was flaunting his perfect tits and smelled so enticing, his scent rich with arousal and want. Aksel couldn't curb his desire when he could fucking smell the slick running down Lucien's thighs every time their eyes met.

That was how they ended up fooling around all over the house. Aksel couldn't keep his hands—and his mouth—off him. Hell, he could barely keep his cock out of Lucien, clinging to the remnants of his self-control with everything he had. It was hard, pun intended, when all he wanted was to shove Lucien under him and rut into him like a beast. He actually wanted to literally fuck him like a beast, too. He was struggling to control the animal wants that raised their ugly heads whenever Lucien was around.

Aksel had always scoffed when he heard the salacious gossip that Xeus alphas were little better than beasts and liked fucking in their natural forms—or as close to their natural forms as they could get without revolting their partners.He'd always hated that rumor. He might be part beast, but he could fuck like a man, thank you very much.

But with Lucien... his control over his beast seemed nonexistent.When he was around an aroused Lucien, his jaw ached with the itch to shift and his claws threatened to come out. Partial transformation wasn't unheard of for a Xeus alpha outside of a full moon, but Aksel was normally much better at controlling that side of himself.

Except around Lucien, he could barely resist the urge to shift into his beastly form. And unlike most Xeus alphas' forms, Aksel's wasn't a sight for the faint-hearted. Most Xeus alphas could only pop out their claws outside the full moon, but Aksel had always been closer to his beast than most. He was the odd one out even among Xeus alphas: he could transform even his face into that of a Xeus.

Every time he was with Lucien, Aksel was painfully aware of the beast trying to get out from under his skin, his jaw aching with the strain of keeping the transformation from happening. Lucien was skittish enough as it was; he didn't need the trauma of Aksel transforming into an aroused monster while he was on top of him.

Unfortunately, controlling the beast wasn't always possible. He wanted Lucien too much.

He was scared he would eventually slip.

He feared it was only a matter of time.