30. EASTON

THIRTY

EASTON

I hate uncertainty. I doubly hate it when it could all be taken away with Knox saying one simple sentence: no matter what, we'll make it work.

But he couldn't do that. Instead, all he's given me since our talk is, "We can't decide anything until we know what's happening with the job offer."

And sure, that will be a huge factor, and maybe I'm being naive when I say that the outcome won't matter to me because what we have—what we could have—could be everything I've ever wanted, but he won't even promise to try.

It doesn't give me much confidence that we can make anything work because he's not even willing to fight for us in a hypothetical.

The regular season is upon us, and things are about to get hectic, and it's as if Knox has his head in the sand.

I've never seen myself as a clingy type of guy or someone who needs to know where I stand, but with Knox, I need it. Probably because I've never been this emotionally invested in someone before.

I might have known since I was twelve years old that Knox Addison is my person, but that doesn't mean he's in the same place as me. I have to understand that he needs time to get to that point. Time spent together where I can make him fall for me. Which we won't have if he gets any job but the linesman job.

When I check my phone as Connor and I leave practice, there's a missed call from Knox. Where I should be excited, I'm not. Why would he call instead of text unless it's important? Which probably means he got the call today, and that means I'm going home to a decision. Good or bad. There's also a text from him, but I'm too scared to open it.

I do anyway and then hold my breath as I read.

"I thought you'd be rushing to get home," Connor says.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you have been every day since you and Knox started breaking all kinds of bro code."

I roll my eyes. "You don't believe in bro code other than trying to make sure I'm with no one."

"True. And I guess out of everyone in the world, Knox is the best guy for you. At least I know he's a decent person and won't hurt you." He lowers his voice and mutters, "On purpose."

If only I had the same kind of faith. "We'll see about that."

We reach the car, but Connor doesn't unlock the door. Instead, he stares at me over the roof. "What do you mean?"

"I have a missed call from him and a text that says, ‘Come to my place with Con when you get home.' I think he got the official contract."

Connor unlocks the doors, and we get in, but he still looks confused. "Shouldn't you be excited about that? He won't have to go to Minnesota."

"He won't, but if he gets sent elsewhere to be a linesman or gets the ref job, he's basically already said that long distance will be too difficult for him. So, no, I'm not excited to go home and be broken up with. Even if we aren't actually officially together or anything. It was heading that way. Why does his dream have to be reffing professional hockey? Why couldn't it have been, I don't know, pottery or some shit. Some job that keeps him at home?"

I'm joking, but my brother either doesn't pick up on it or is calling me on being selfish.

"Why isn't your job pottery and staying at home?"

"Because I'm terrible at art, and I would starve to death if I had to support myself that way."

"And Knox is a brilliant artist? Have you seen him try to draw? He struggled to draw hockey plays back in the day, and that's just arrows, circles, and big Xs."

"Okay, fine, artist was a bad example, and I was only joking anyway. I'm being bitter because I'm fairly certain we're ending today."

"Or he could've gotten the linesman position in Colorado, is staying, and you two can live happily ever after and gross me out by kissing in front of me."

"Is it because it's Knox that grosses you out, or would it be any guy?"

"Purely a Knox thing. The incestuous feeling is not going away, no matter how many times I see you and him together. But I do like you two as a couple."

I will give it to him, he's handling Knox and me really well. Better than I ever thought he would.

Case in point. He turns to me and says, "As much as I find you and Knox being together weird—for me—I can see how into you he is. He'd be an idiot to let a job come between you two. I don't see him breaking up with you ever."

It might even be possible that my brother is … growing into a semi-self-aware human being? Say what?

I wish I could see this situation the same way he does. Maybe then I wouldn't have a pit of dread in my stomach for the entire drive home.

I want Connor to drive faster and slower at the same time, and when we finally pull up to the town houses, I'm fully prepared to jump in my car and run away. Or drive away. Not face Knox at all. If he never says the words "it's over," then it will never end.

Look at me coming up with logic.

"It's going to be fine," Connor says. "And you don't know yet, he might be staying right where he is."

He's right, and it's possible I'm preparing for the worst, but there's something that's telling me this is it for us. I've had this pit in my stomach ever since he couldn't tell me he was all in, and if the result is anything but him staying local, I know he's going to end it.

Connor goes to get out of the car when I tug on his arm.

"Promise me something," I say.

"Anything."

"If we do go in there and he's leaving, don't hate him if we do end things."

"He's not going to end things. I'm sure of it."

"Then promise me."

He hesitates. So much for being sure of it. "I promise."

I'm ready to face this.

I am.

We head to their place, and Connor lets us in. Knox is sitting on the very edge of the couch, hunched over his laptop on the coffee table. He's so focused on whatever's on his screen that he hasn't heard us.

"Hey," Connor says, and Knox jumps a mile high.

He stands and turns to us. "You're home. You're here. Uh, hi."

I can't read his awkward tone. It's like he's excited but also isn't at the same time. Hope blooms in my gut that he's trying to hold back his excitement to make it a huge announcement when he says "I'm staying." But it becomes clear really quickly that my hope is misplaced.

"You got the reffing position, didn't you?" I say, my voice barely above a whisper .

Again, the smile he gives almost lets me believe everything is okay, but then he nods. His lips fall, and then he hangs his head.

Okay, so his ultimate dream job is becoming a reality. The world is his oyster and all that shit. I cannot bring him down from that.

Connor hasn't reacted, but his head is pinging back and forth between us, as if waiting for the right reaction from one of us.

While it's taking all my effort not to break down, I am genuinely happy for him, and I rush him in a hug. "Congratulations. That's so amazing." Even if it sounds like I'm about to cry.

"It is," he says into my neck. "It's everything I've ever wanted."

I try not to let the bitterness clog my throat because everything I've ever wanted is right here in my arms. But unlike him, hockey has always been my future, and if I'm honest, I haven't had to work all that hard to get it. Sure, I've trained endlessly and put in the physical work to be the best, but I've never once questioned if I would make it, therefore I've never had the longing for it like Knox has for reffing.

He waits tables so he can earn shit all pay during the PWHL season. If that isn't enough proof of how committed he is to this job, then nothing is.

I don't want to pull away, but my brother is impatiently trying to cut in.

"I'm so happy for you." While Connor sneaks in to hug Knox, I step back and try to school my face.

I'm happy for him too. I am. Just like I was totally ready to hear he got the ref job. Yep.

I will not break over this.

If he needs time to adjust to his new schedule, I'll give it to him. I've waited over a decade for my chance, and if I have to wait for another decade until he's ready to commit, then it's something I'll have to do.

Knox and Connor are talking about how much he'll be paid, but I tune it out. Especially after Knox says he'll be able to afford his own place now.

It's not until Connor asks, "Will you be staying in Colorado, then?" that my ears perk back up.

And even though his reassuring answer is "Yes," he follows it up with, "but I'll be on the road a lot."

I'm still okay with doing the long-distance thing. Sure, when I'm away, he might be here and vice versa, but if he at least stays in Denver, there will be times during the season we'll get to see each other. At least he's not moving away to a different state.

I want to sneak away, but I can see Knox keeping an eye on me while he talks to Connor.

"We should celebrate!" Connor announces. "I'm going to go get some beer and food. Ooh, I'll invite the guys from the team over so you can get to know them better too. Surely sucking up to you will only be good for our game on the ice."

Poor Knox's eyes widen. "W-what?"

"I'm messing with you. I know you're going to keep your favoritism to me. And I guess Easton." Connor slumps. "Ugh. Easton's going to always take priority with you now, isn't he?"

"Not when it comes to the game," I say. Because I know Knox wouldn't let anything get between him and his morals.

"Be back soon," Connor sings and on his way out gives me an encouraging look.

I doubt he really needs to go out to get beer at all, but he's giving us our moment. He's so confident Knox isn't going to end it that he's waltzing out of here, certain he won't need to kick his best friend's ass when he gets back.

I'm not as confident.

"We should talk" is the first thing he says.

I wince. "That's never a good thing to hear. "

Knox doesn't dispute that.

His strawberry blond hair is messy, like he's been pulling at it from the roots, and his eyes are sunken underneath as if he hasn't slept for days.

"We finally have some more answers," I say. Because there's nothing else I could say that isn't "Please don't end this" and "Don't leave me."

I go and sit on the couch, his laptop catching my eye. It's open to a document, which I'm assuming is his contract.

Knox joins my side. "Unfortunately, it's probably brought even more questions."

"This is the best outcome for you. Probably the second-best option for us …" I don't want to look at him, but I force myself to make eye contact because I need to see his reaction as I say, "If there is still an us."

My heart braces itself to be smashed to smithereens.

"I want there to be an us," he says, and I believe him. He sounds so genuine. But I'm also waiting for the— "But …"

Yep, here it comes.

"But?" I croak.

"How will it work if we're both never here? Or if I'm here while you're away and vice versa."

"I'm still willing to try." I'm trying not to pout, but I sound very pouty. "Though I understand if it's too overwhelming for you to make that kind of decision right now."

"I think we should take a step back."

And there it is.

I guess I know Knox better than Connor does.

Knox takes my hand and murmurs something about it not being forever and that he's not ending things … he just wants to focus on getting a routine down with his schedule and focusing on settling into his role first. He keeps talking, and I try to keep the fake smile plastered on my face and be supportive, but his words sound like he's underwater, and I'm trying not to show how upset I am .

"East?" Knox says when I haven't said anything.

I squeeze his hand. "A step back."

"A minuscule step," he says.

"Yep. You focus on being the best ref the AHL has, and when you know what you're doing, then we can reassess."

"Maybe it will be good for you to not be distracted by me as well. You have a Cup to win, seeing as you fumbled the conference finals last year." He says it lightly, but way to kick me while I'm down.

I need to get out of here.

I pull away and stand. "I'll leave you to celebrate with Con."

"No, wait. I don't want us to stop hanging out."

He really is nowhere near my level of feelings if he thinks that's remotely possible without dying on the inside. Let alone being unable to refrain from touching him.

"We won't. I just … If we're going to take this step back, I need to start now. I need to wrap my head around being friends again before I can …" You know, pretend I'm okay.

"I understand."

And because I'm a total masochist, don't want this to happen, but don't have it in me to cause a huge fight when all Knox is doing is trying to focus on himself and his career, I step forward and press my lips to his one last time.