15. KNOX

FIFTEEN

KNOX

I stumble inside after a long night serving, wondering if I'm still cut out for this life. It'd been the easy option when I left college: ref PWHL half the year, find a flexible job the other half that can support me living with Con until I can find that step into the big leagues. If PWHL paid better, there's no way I'd make the switch. I love the teams, I love the players, and I love how passionate the fans are.

But the pay rates are not equal, and scoring a ref position in the NHL is a huge income bracket jump.

Plus, at this rate, refereeing his games might be the only way I'll ever see East again.

Instead of heading in to shower, I collapse onto the couch and let my eyes drift closed. It's past ten, so I'm assuming Con is in bed since he has to train early tomorrow, and I'm … in a completely different world to him and East. This always happens in preseason, before I head back to Minnesota and start working again. Connor and Easton are in full conditioning mode; their lives have switched from summer to hockey, and the single-minded focus comes back. The excitement. The possibility of the year ahead.

Whereas I have three months of charming customers in the hopes they'll have enough wine to be extra generous when it's time to tip.

Our lives are not the same. I only have myself to blame for that.

Because I already feel so low, I grab my phone and open my messages with Easton. Our last ones were a few months ago, when he'd asked if reffing the charity match was something I'd be interested in. Just seeing his name light up my screen had made my heart do a sickening kind of backflip, and I wish I could go back to that. We might not have had much, but it was better than this radio silence I'm getting from him now.

I miss him. I'm not getting any less of him now than I was before, but knowing it isn't an option to duck a couple of doors down and see his gorgeous face is torturing me, and I don't think I've ever wanted him so much in my life. It's like I can feel the distance between us, and it's a knife to the gut every time I remember it's there.

The front door opens and closes, followed by Connor's familiar steps coming down the hall. I quickly close my messages and force a smile before he walks into the room.

"Whoa." I blink at his red eyes and wrecked expression. "Did someone die?"

Connor drops down into the spot next to me. "Nah … long day."

"Yeah, I thought you were asleep."

"Took the folks and East out for dinner."

"Ah. How was it?"

He sits there not saying anything for the longest time that I think he's not going to. "You knew, didn't you?"

"You've lost me."

His eyes are a shade darker of gray than East's and are filled with a look I've never seen before. "About Easton. That's what you meant the other day. He told you I was smothering him. Didn't he? "

"Wait. What?"

Anger flashes across his face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"He never said you were smothering him."

"But you knew ?"

This conversation is rapidly spiraling away from me. Of course I knew, but how the hell am I supposed to tell my best friend that? How am I supposed to upset him, especially when the only reason I know what East is going through is because I kissed him, and everything has derailed from there?

"Con …"

"Right."

"Don't right me."

"What am I supposed to say? You knew. Then there's me being a fucking idiot thinking we were as close as brothers could be and that I was doing right by him. That he loved me for it." His voice cracks, and he hurries to look away, but it's too late. My heart is breaking for him.

Even though I know he's angry and lashing out, I grab him in a hug. He fights it for a whole second before he clutches me back. I don't think he's crying, but if he's not, he'd be damn close. I give him all the time he needs before he pulls away and slumps against the couch.

"I'm a goddamn moron."

"No, you're not."

"I wanted to look after him, you know?"

"I know." And that's the part where I can't fault him. As smothered as Easton might have felt, Connor's a good guy. He does what he does because he loves the people in his life, and his first priority is always to protect them, and he includes me in that list of people. It's why I've never made a move on my feelings for Easton before. It's why I've felt terrible ever since I did.

"He asked for a trade," Connor croaks.

"What? "

He sounds so dejected. "Wants independence, which I know means he wants to get away from me."

The thought of Easton not being in Colorado anymore, the Kiki brothers being broken up, it feels like the world has tipped suddenly and I'm scrambling to stay upright. "What did your coach say?"

"They're considering it."

"Wow."

Connor doesn't answer.

"I guess all we can do, then, is let him go. Support him."

Con's eyes cut back to mine. "We?"

"Ah, yeah, like … you , obviously, but I know it'll be an adjustment for you too, so I?—"

"Did you have feelings for him?"

My gut falls out through my ass. "Con?—"

"Answer the question."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I've done so goddamn well to hide it, how has one tiny slip, one word choice, given away every thought I've ever had for East? Because I know Connor's asking, but it kind of feels like he already knows the answer to his question.

I'm not ready to die today.

Or, probably more likely, lose my best friend.

Understanding clicks for him before I can answer. "You still do," he whispers.

I drop my head into my hands. "I'm so sorry." The words spill out; I've been holding them back for so damn long. "I've tried to ignore it. Tried to move on. But I can't shake him, and I've done everything I can to make it happen. For you." When I look up, his eyes are red again, and I wouldn't be surprised if mine were the same. "You asked the other day why I've been weird lately—East and I got into a fight. He found out about our plan in Vegas to cockblock him, and I've felt like shit ever since. You want to protect him? Well, guess what? So do I. And I didn't do it then. I didn't stand up for him, I didn't put you in your place, and honestly, Connor, I feel so stuck. I … I … you're my best friend. I love you like a brother. The last thing I want is to betray you or have us in a fight or piss away over twenty years of friendship … But I can't keep pushing my feelings down anymore."

"You never said anything."

"Of course not. I thought you'd kill me."

"Not going to lie, the urge is there."

He doesn't reassure me, doesn't say anything else. So screw it. I need to get it all out.

My voice is barely audible when I say, "I kissed him."

"You what?"

"In Vegas."

"He told me nothing happened!"

"It was supposed to be nothing. It was supposed to be a quick kiss to know what it was like and then never happen again."

"Un-fucking-believable."

I swallow thickly, the urge to apologize on the tip of my tongue, but I stop myself.

"You both lied to me," he says.

That, I can apologize for. "Don't be mad at him. It's my fault. I am so sorry, Con. I never wanted it to get all fucked-up like this. I swear to God I tried so hard to ignore him."

He's staring at his hands. "For me."

"Yeah."

"Huh." He pushes to his feet. "Guess I've been ruining more lives than I thought."

"No. It's not like that at all."

"Sort of sounds like it to me."

"Connor, I swear?—"

"Can you fucking not?" He drags his hands back through his hair. "Can you go talk to him?"

It takes me a second to process the words. "What?"

"You need to go and talk to him. East. "

"But—"

"I'm serious." Connor's hands flex into fists and relax again. "Am I happy about any of this? No, I feel fucking horrible, actually. It kind of sucks to be told that everyone you love is miserable because of you."

"Nobody's miserable."

He shrugs. "Sure. Just … go. He'll still be up. Or don't. I'm done telling people what to do with their lives. But you should know that if something happens, I won't stand in your way. I never wanted to be the bad guy, and I hate that it's what I've become." He leaves, bedroom door closing behind him heavily, and I sit there staring at it for way too long.

I don't think Connor's a bad guy. I don't think any of this is his fault—if anything, it's mine. He's right that I wasn't honest. I could have sat him down years ago and told him that I was starting to feel things for East, but … I think he needed this. I think he needed East to find his voice first, otherwise I would have gotten a punch in the face and the warning to stay away.

But I didn't get that.

Connor told me to go to him.

To talk to him.

My heart is drumming like crazy. I've never even hoped that one day Connor might come around, and even if I do this, will it still mess things up between us? I have no East right now; will I have no Connor too?

I scrape my fingers back through my hair, realizing how fucked-up that line of thinking is. Easton and Connor are separate people, and I need to start seeing our relationships as two separate things.

We might be fighting, but Connor is my brother. I'll do anything to keep what we have, and I've got the feeling he'd do the same.

Easton though … we're nowhere near as strong, even though my heart beats for the man. And if I feel this strongly ab out him, shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't I put everything into my relationship with him as I would with Connor?

Easton asked for a trade. Trades can kick in at any moment. I could leave this until tomorrow and try to catch him before training, but what if something happens before then? What if he's already had the call?

My hands are shaking as I try to figure out what to do.

All I know is that I can't keep making Connor a factor in my choice.

Easton deserves better than that. Easton deserves to know the full truth from me, not all the bullshit lies I've been feeding him.

I've been hiding behind Connor for so long that I'm not sure I can do it. Then I picture East's face, and our kiss, and how adorably drunk he was when we were out together.

I told Connor that I want to protect him too.

So I guess I better get started.

And hope like hell that he wants to hear it.