23. Another Past: Another Breakdown

Johanna

J o entered the conference room, where they were set to have their Monday morning huddle. May was already in a spot, looked up, and gave an eager wave. “How was your weekend?” she asked.

Jo thought back to all the time she had spent with Ali, and she couldn’t stop smiling. “Couldn’t have been much better,” she smirked, and May nudged her on the side. “So, have you been to the Farmer’s Market yet this season? It’s great. You really should check it out.”

“So, that’s what has you grinning from ear to ear?” May teased.

Jo smirked and shrugged. She looked to the door, and her face fell. “What the hell is he doing here?”

“Who?” May turned to the door and caught a glimpse of the man that Jo saw moments earlier.

“I used to work with that guy, but why is he here?” Her stomach churned as she stared at him. She didn’t have any fond memories of him. He would always tease her and mock her and just was an all-around nasty man. He was talking to Ali, which caused Jo to feel some panic setting in.

Ali turned to the group that had formed in the circle. “Good morning, everyone,” she said. “I want to introduce you all to Miles. He’s going to be starting here at CAPMed and working with our team. I want you all to make him feel at home.”

Jo looked down at her hands when he looked in her direction. She could only picture what he would be thinking. This wouldn’t go well for her, as she could already feel the anxiety creeping up inside her.

Ali said a few more things about motivation and what the day would hold and then dismissed the group. She escorted him out of the room and Jo turned to May.

“He wasn’t a good guy back then. I can’t imagine he’s changed any.”

“People do change, Johanna. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best. Or at least not worry until there’s something to worry about.”

May had a great point. Maybe there wasn’t anything that would trigger the fear. Maybe he had changed. Except all day she spent avoiding him. At every corner when she would see him, she would turn and go the other way. Once she was at the nurse’s station and she spotted him, but she quickly started to head off away from him.

“Johanna, can we talk?” he asked. She had already gotten away from him and had no desire to speak to him then or anytime soon.

Halfway through the morning, she was working on a patient, when Miles came into the room. “They asked me to help you for a bit,” he said .

Jo turned to him and glared. “Tell them that I have it under control,” she snapped. He didn’t reply, just backed away and left the room. She knew it wasn’t professional, but the audacity of him thinking she would accept his help was too egotistical for her to handle.

When she left the room, she spotted him talking to Ali and Ali turned and stared at her. Jo turned away and hurried away to the restroom, panic engulfing her. She escaped into the bathroom and fell back against the door, her chest caving in as she feared that she would break loose the tears. Jo closed her eyes and listened to what her therapist would say.

If you’re feeling like you’re going to lose it, put on a meditation app.

She reached for her phone and pulled up an app that she had come to know all too well. She set it for five minutes and just listened to the soothing sounds and slowly her heart came back to its normal rhythm. She would get through this, somehow.

There was a brief moment when Jo thought she’d go hide in a closet somewhere, so she didn’t have to run into anyone at lunch. However, her stomach growled, telling her that was a lousy idea and she needed to suck it up and get some nourishment.

The cafeteria was busy, but Jo was glad to see that she could dodge everyone as she went through the lines to get something to eat. But then she spotted Ali, and that was all about to change.

“Hey, Jo. Come sit with us?” Nolan, May, and Ali all sat at a table. It wouldn’t be anything for her to sit down and act like nothing was wrong.

“Not in the mood to chat,” she snapped. Ali frowned as May laughed. She turned and stared at May. “Do I look like I’m kidding?” May’s eyes widened and Jo turned and stomped away from their table. It hurt that she had to be so forceful, but perhaps they would finally start to get the message.

“Jo? Hey, Jo, wait up.”

She stopped and groaned. Perhaps not. She slowly turned and saw Ali hurrying her way with concern etched on her face. “If I stay much longer, I’m going to not even get my food eaten. Do you mind?”

Ali tilted her head. “What’s up, Jo? You’re clearly agitated about something. Did I do something to piss you off?” Jo opened her mouth and then looked down at her food. She shook her head. “Then what is it?”

“I don’t want to talk, that’s the issue.” She looked up and glared, and Ali slowly nodded her head.

“Noted, but if you change your mind…you know where to find me.” The pain in her eyes was clear, and as she walked away, Jo opened her mouth and considered telling her everything, but the damage had been done. She slumped into the nearest table and stared at her food. Truth was, Miles had her rattled. Or, rather, she was rattled by what he would say to her. Why was he really there? Merely to badger her?

She grabbed a celery stick and stared at it for a moment before taking a bite. Lunch wasn’t nearly the hour of eager conversations, wondering what they could say to each other to entice romantic feelings. Not that they ever needed to speak to get that flowing through them. She sighed and popped the rest of her stick into her mouth.

The scraping sound of a tray hitting her table jarred her out of her thoughts. She looked up, and her jaw dropped. She jumped to her feet and grabbed her food, but Miles quickly reached out his hand to stop her .

“Don’t go. I’m begging you to hear me out.”

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?” she asked. “You belittled me in front of our co-workers and upper management. You acted like I was the spawn of something evil. You hurt me, and the fact that you couldn’t stop hounding me at every turn.” Her breath hitched, and she shook her head, her emotions starting to rush back to her. “I just don’t see how talking is going to make any difference.”

“I was wrong,” he started. His gaze dropped and his hand slowly fell from her hold. With those few words, Jo saw his heart and she hadn’t seen that before in all the time she had known him. “When you left, things only got worse.”

Jo sat back down and didn’t tear her eyes away as he continued.

“I’m sorry for hounding you or saying you couldn’t handle the job.” He snickered. “Truth is, you were the brave one. You knew when to quit and get out of that toxic situation. I wish I would have taken your lead.”

Jo leaned back in her seat and considered those words. She had waited so long for him to say something even remotely similar. “I’m sorry nothing got better. And I accept your apology. Thank you for saying something.”

She was at peace the rest of the day, relieved that Miles had made the effort to put everything past them because she could already feel things taking her down a dark rabbit hole, and it worried her that she would regress from the place she now was.

She planned on avoiding Ali the rest of the day, though, because she knew how things had gone at lunch. She didn’t want to hear a third degree or have to share all the details of her rocky job before she reached CAPMed. It was best just to take a day and they could get to a conversation when tensions had been brought back down .

However, as she was eating a frozen dinner in her lounge pants and t-shirt, there was a knock at her door. She peered through the peep hole and saw Ali standing there. She opened her door but kept Ali waiting in the hallway.

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, I was going to leave you alone, but then realized that if I leave you alone that resolves nothing and clearly something was bothering you today. You were rude to Miles. He said you didn’t want to have him working with you and that’s not how we handle things. If I put an assignment together, I expect it to be followed through.”

“Wow. So, I just salute you and do what you say like a dutiful soldier? Duly noted.”

Ali sighed. “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not trying to pull rank, Jo. But dammit, something’s bothering you, and I have the right to know what it is.”

“Because we’re sleeping together, is that it?”

Ali’s jaw hung down, and she stepped closer to the entrance of her apartment. “If a relationship is going to work, then you have to be honest with me. I thought we were in this together. The other day at the Farmer’s Market, you got it out of me. So, you can talk to me, Jo.”

Jo stepped back and allowed Ali to enter. She closed the door behind them and turned to face her. “Miles and I have history. He worked at my previous employer.”

Ali slowly nodded. “I noticed that but didn’t really think that would have anything to phase you on. You were in the same department?”

“Yep. And he teased me all the time about not being able to cope with the stress and the job duties, and he made me feel like I was failing every single day. Eventually, it got to be too much.” She felt the tears stinging the backs of her eyes .

“I’m sorry.” Ali reached out and touched her hand, and Jo kept her gaze.

“It was such a hard time in my life that everything related to it or reminds me of it gives me a bad taste in my mouth. I’m sorry if I was being short, but I needed my space.”

“I get it.” Ali slowly nodded. “But Miles is in the department, and he can’t be transferred for at least three months. Is that going to be a problem?”

Jo shook her head. “We had a talk, and he apologized. It turns out everything I felt was substantiated today, so I feel good about it.”

Ali smiled. “I’m happy to hear.”

Jo flipped her palm over and pulled Ali to her. “I’m sorry for being that way today at lunch.”

“Let’s not dwell on it,” Ali whispered. She moved in, and they kissed, and Jo was just glad they could put it behind them because losing Ali would be hard to face.