Thirty-one

"Did he buy into it?" Noor's voice cut through the panic that had descended over me since I left the garden. Someone else had been there with Darbaran and me, and I didn't want to voice who I suspected it was.

Was it Mazin watching us? And how much had he heard?

We said goodbye to our final guest and I turned back to Noor. "I gave him exactly what he wanted. A chance to be richer than he ever thought possible. What do you think he did?"

Noor rubbed the back of her neck. "You told him the truth, then? That's a risky move."

"This entire business is risky. But we went into it knowing that."

I flopped down onto a divan filled with jewel-toned pillows and massaged my temples. It was all going to plan, but if Maz had overheard anything I'd said to Darbaran, we had him to deal with.

"You want to talk about it?"

Noor sat beside me and gave me a pointed stare.

"Talk about what?" I brushed an invisible piece of dust from the end of my blouse, determined to avoid the subject of Mazin for as long as I could.

Noor snorted. "Nice try, but you are definitely giving me the details right now."

I put my hands over my eyes and groaned. A pillow hit me in the head.

"Ow!" I sat up.

"Stop being dramatic, that didn't hurt. You kissed him." It was an accusation. One she had every right to make.

I had kissed him, it was part of the plan to kiss him.

But Noor and I both knew it wasn't part of the plan to kiss him like that . Not with his hands tangled in my hair, my arms around his neck, pressed against each other like we were about to combust.

He thinks you are someone else .

And that was the worst part. I couldn't wish away my feelings about him, they had been part of me for years. It was natural that they would come to the forefront when we were together. But I was hoping I could channel that, control it. But when he kissed me, he wasn't kissing Dania. He was kissing Sanaya and feeling those things for her.

I had forgotten that.

"Don't say it out loud, it makes it real." I grimaced into the pillow.

"I wasn't expecting to have to peel you two apart, that's for sure. But…" She paused as if considering. "This is what you wanted," reasoned Noor. "Isn't it?"

I exhaled heavily. "I thought so. But it's harder going through with it than I thought."

My hands instinctively curled into fists at my sides. It was much easier to hold a dagger, for my weapons to be blood and blades, not my lips, my thighs, my skin.

It was simpler to stab someone in the chest than lose my heart.

"You mean you can't coldly seduce your previous lover who betrayed you without any old feelings rearing their ugly head?" She crossed her arms.

"For once can you be serious?" I chewed on my lip. "I struggle with the idea that he wants someone else."

"Because when he's kissing you he thinks he's with someone else?"

"Yes."

Noor cleared her throat and leaned back against the wall. "You want me to be serious?"

I nodded.

"Then here I am, being serious. You still love him." She jabbed her finger in my direction and I stared at her outstretched hand.

The words sank into my gut. I had avoided admitting it but I could feel the truth, deep in my bones.

And still, denial choked my words. "You said it yourself—he betrayed me, had me arrested, left me to be tortured and to rot in prison." I broke off bitterly, scraping my hands over my face. "How could I still love someone like that? How foolish would I have to be?"

"It isn't so easy to turn feelings on and off, Dania."

"It was easy for him!" I lurched to my feet. My heart thundered in my ears and I wanted it to drown out Noor and her reasonableness.

"But you aren't Mazin. You aren't like him." Noor walked over to me. She placed her hands on my shoulders and stopped my pacing. We stood there for a minute, rooted to the floor. "You aren't a cold-hearted beast."

"Aren't I?" I laughed, a bitter sound, the rough scrape of a sword against stone. "I will become one." My words were low. A soft whisper followed them, like an echo, but an entirely different voice to mine.

Yes.

"Did you hear that?" I looked over my shoulder toward the empty hallway.

"Hear what?" Her forehead creased, looking in the same direction before turning back to me. She shook her head. "I like Mazin's sister. Are you still going to destroy her too?"

I tore my gaze away from the dark corridor and back to Noor. That voice sank into my skin with dread, the same one I'd heard in Souma's cave. But Noor never heard a thing.

Maybe I was losing my mind after all. Noor stared at me expectantly, and I realized she was waiting for my answer to her question.

"Maz didn't care about my family when he took them from me."

"The girl is innocent."

"So was I," I hissed. My face was hot with emotion. "I shouldn't have to justify myself to you. You of all people should understand."

Noor swallowed, and I could see her jaw working.

I narrowed my eyes. "Just say it, I know you want to."

"You can't just extinguish your feelings, Dania. You aren't like that. You'll end up hurting yourself more than you know."

I laughed. "You think I care what happens to me after this?" I could feel something black and dark entering my chest, as if I were being taken over by my hatred, and it wasn't me talking, but my revenge.

"I am a tool of vengeance now," I uttered. "I exist to destroy those who came for me and my family." I could feel my fingers tingling, a similar feeling to the one I got before lifting my sword for the first time in battle. That's what this feeling must be—battle lust.

Why else would my blood feel like it was on fire? Why else did I want to scream until I was hoarse?

If Noor thought I couldn't turn my feelings off, fine. But I could turn them into something else. Something I was good at.

Noor stepped back from me, shock painted on her face. "Dania, your eyes…"

"What?" I reached up to my face, confused.

"I… nothing, it must have been the light. I thought I saw… never mind. But you don't mean what you are saying—you can start a new life, after this is done."

I whirled away from her, the anger beating in my chest now directed at Noor.

"A new life would mean nothing if they were still living. If I knew they had gone unpunished."

"Dani, have you seen Mazin? He does not look as if he's gone unpunished."

That brought me up short. "What do you mean?"

"Does he look well to you?" She rubbed her chin. "I have no reference for what he looked like before, but now ? Now he looks haunted ."

I had noticed the change in him, but hadn't dwelled on it. If it was guilt that ate him up inside, then at least he had some sort of conscience. But it didn't excuse what he did.

"His eyes are shadowed," she continued, throwing her arms up in the air, and started pacing too. "He doesn't go anywhere or do anything. His entire world is running Basral, commanding the emperor's soldiers, helping rule the empire with an iron fist. He doesn't dream. He exacts. He's obsessive and focused and has clearly dived off a fucking cliff after you left. He regrets what he did to you."

"I hope he regrets it. He's going to regret so much more before this is done. I'm going to take away the last bit of happiness he has."

Noor examined me. "So, you're determined to go through with this?"

"Have I given you cause to think otherwise?"

She wet her lips, considering. "I don't know. Something… something in the way you were with Mazin tonight." She looked away, out the window, toward the palace. "It made me think you might be changing your mind."

My mouth popped open involuntarily. "Have you changed your mind?" The words fell in the room like a stone.

She looked back at me, her reddish-brown eyes glistening. "I haven't. But I'm worried about you."

I tried to rein in the anger pounding against my chest. Because it wasn't Noor I was mad at, I was absolutely furious with myself.

Noor wasn't wrong.

Not that I was about to change my mind, but I could feel myself softening toward Mazin. When he touched me, I couldn't keep my feelings separate from my hate. It was as if I were forgiving him for what he did.

I clenched my fists so hard my nails bit into my palms.

He would never be forgiven.

I crossed my arms. "I'm not changing my mind. And there's nothing to be worried about."

Noor nodded, though her eyes were still shadowed.

"Mazin's own actions caused this," I continued. "Not mine. His sister's fate will be on his hands. They are already bloody."

Noor nodded. "And Darbaran?"

I snorted. I hadn't even thought about Darbaran during this conversation. "He'll be so far into this he won't know what hit him until he's in prison."

"A fitting place for him," she answered.

"Perhaps they'll even put him in my old cell."

Noor smirked. "We can only hope." She walked to the window and set her hands against the sill. "I'll set the plans with Darbaran in motion. In the meantime, we have other things to worry about. More than Mazin. More than Darbaran." She looked over her shoulder at me. "There is someone who is a little too comfortable in all this."

I tilted my head. "Vahid."

I hadn't forgotten that Noor was here for revenge too.

"He won't be." I shook my head. "We're going to set his empire on fire."

Noor nodded tightly. "I've prepared the zoraat blend. The emperor won't even be able to use his own zoraat supplies to combat this blight. We can be ready as soon as we like."

It was an abrupt change of subject, but we both needed it. It was late, the early light of dawn creeping over the house and filtering slowly through the windows. "And the land we purchased?"

"It's ready too."

"I don't want the people in this city to suffer if they don't have to. I want them to see that the blight is only related to Vahid. All our crops will be more than enough to feed the city. But we'll hold off for now."

"What will you do in the meantime?"

I inhaled, lining all the pieces of my plan up in my head. "I have an appointment with some thieves."