Chapter 1

I buried my mother today.

As I type those words in an email, I stare at them for a long time. I’ve been writing to Aiden Lane since I was eight years old. I’ve shared all of my trials and tribulations with him. The day my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Jones, said we were going to write to American children who were living in Italy was the day that changed my life.

I’m sure to Mrs. Jones it was just a way to get her students to do some writing. She couldn’t have known what a difference it would make for me. Most of the kids in my class wrote one or two letters and were thrilled to receive mail in return. Then they forgot about their pen pals and moved on with their lives.

It was different for me and Aiden. We never stopped writing. What started as air mail turned into emails and texts well into adulthood. His family moved a lot while his father was in the army. Aiden went to college in California, then he traveled for work. We”ve never met in person in the nearly twenty years we’ve been pen pals and yet, I feel like he’s my closest friend.

Of course, I have other friends. They’ve supported me through my mother’s illness and this last week of horrors. I love Jen and Lila. They are people I grew up with and have always counted on.

What I have with Aiden is something different.

Lila says I’m in love with him and maybe she’s right, but it’s more. He’s a little bit of fantasy in my real life. I’ve always escaped into books so much that I opened Wordsmith”s Books and Stationery in my hometown of Magnolia Point, South Carolina. Aiden is real and somehow that makes him as alluring as he is terrifying. What if the reality pales? I guess that’s why I didn’t tell him my mother’s illness had progressed or that she died last Saturday.

I reread the sentence on my computer screen. I buried my mother today.

I didn’t want to trouble you with this. You need to focus on your new job. Don’t worry about me. I have Jen and Lila here looking in on me. In fact, I can hardly keep them out of Wordsmith”s

Mom is in a better place. I keep telling myself that, but I miss her. I want her here and healthy. Even knowing how much she suffered over the last year, I selfishly want to hear her voice one more time and ask her advice about which books to order for the store. I long to show her the new stationery and planners I’m stocking. It’s the little things, and I know it’s silly, but those are the things I think I’ll miss the most.

Last Friday, she was lucid for about ten minutes. She told me how she wanted to be buried next to Dad and where she kept her will in her office. I tried fighting her insistence on putting her accounts in my name, but as usual, she won the battle. Before she dozed off again, she said she loved me and wanted me to be happy. I suppose I’ll have to work on that because right now, I’ve never been more unhappy. Every tear I shed feels like I’m defying her last wish.

If you have a few minutes to talk, call me. I wouldn’t mind hearing your voice.

Love,

Joy

Closing my laptop, I release my emotions and they pour out of me. There seems no end to the river of tears dammed up inside me and once the gates are opened, I can’t stop the flow.

Still in the black dress I wore to the funeral, I fall into my bed. When the pillow gets soaked, I turn it over and soak the other side. It’s nearly morning when I force myself into the bath, but the tears still don’t stop.

I pretend I don’t hear the doorbell and close my eyes. I’ve always been able to pull myself together and get things done. Being on top of things and organized is kind of my thing. Today I just don’t care and that feels sad too.

Someone is in the kitchen. I hear the cabinets opening and the water running.

Unbothered, I know the only person who would ring the bell and let themselves in is Jen. She and I have been friends since kindergarten. She’s my ride-or-die along with Lila, who would have stayed on the porch for a while, then called until I answered.

Jen knocks on the bathroom door. “How long have you been in there, sweetie?”

Having no idea, I look at my pruned fingers. “A while.”

“Get dressed and let me force you to eat something.” It’s a command but said in the sweetest, loving way.

“I’m not hungry.” My entire body feels as if it has shut down. The idea of eating makes me feel nauseous.

“Come out and humor me with a piece of toast.” When I don’t respond, she adds, “I’ll just keep on you until you comply.”

The truth of it makes me smile. “I’ll be out in a few.”

Once I’m dry, I pull on leggings and a long T-shirt that declares my book dragon status. The scent of bacon frying makes my traitorous stomach growl. “That smells good.”

Jen nods, making her auburn ponytail bounce. “Lila is on her way with donuts from Mug Life Coffee shop.”

“You guys are the best.” Tears push at the backs of my eyes.

“Is Aiden out of the country?” Jen asks as she plates the bacon and places it on my kitchen peninsula.

I sit on one of the two stools and take a bite of the buttered toast plated in front of me. My stomach clenches as if to say this is a good idea. “No. He came back a few months ago to take a job in New York.”

“Why wasn’t he here yesterday?” She props her fist on her hip.

I shrug.

The screen door opens and Lila comes in. “Y’all would not believe the crowd at Mug Life. These new donuts are a hit and the line was out the door.” She places a white paper bag on the counter and pulls me into a hug. She’s warm from the heat of summer in South Carolina.

Despite my desire to stay miserable, Lila’s hug is comforting and having my friends here stays the flow of tears. “Hi, Lila.”

She examines the two bites I’ve taken out of the toast and gives her nod of approval, then takes a strip of bacon and puts it on my plate. “I’ve got pastries.” She rounds the counter and takes a plate out of my pale-blue cabinets before arranging powder-covered sweets and putting them in front of me.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Jen takes a confection and a plate and sits next to me.

Lila leans on the counter, plucks a piece of bacon, and asks, “What question?”

“I was wondering why Aiden didn’t come.” Jen’s eyebrows are a light shade of perfectly sculpted red and they rise on her forehead while she stares at me.

“Good question.” Lila’s kind brown eyes focus on me as well.

“I didn’t tell him until last night.” My whispered confession cuts through the quiet Saturday morning. I closed the store until Monday, so I can’t even use that as an excuse to get away from the gape-mouthed stares bearing down on me.

“What?” Lila blinks. “You tell him everything and you didn’t tell him about your mother passing? Why, Joy?”

I shrug. My heart is pounding and my appetite flees in the face of my cowardice.

Hoping for help from Jen, I look up and find her shocked blue eyes staring back. “If I had known that, I’d have stolen your phone and called him.”

“He just started that big job in New York, and I didn’t want to bother him with my troubles. Besides, it’s not as if we’ve ever met in person. What makes you think he would have come all this way?” Okay, so that is a lie and not at all fair. Part of me was afraid he wouldn’t come and if he didn’t, could I have forgiven him?

“I thought you told me he mostly works from home for the firm in the city.” Lila shakes her head, making her black curls sway.

I shrug. “I emailed him last night.”

They exchange a look, but let it drop.

If I had texted, he’d have gotten it right away. Sending the email gave me some time to cry and my phone hasn’t pinged all morning, so it’s just as well. “Can we not talk about Aiden? He has his own life, and I have mine. We’re just pen pals, nothing more.”

Keeping my gaze on my plate is cowardly, but it’s enough to make my friends change the subject.

Jen lets out a long breath. “Why don’t we go for a walk after breakfast. You should get out of the house. It’s a beautiful day.”

The fact that the sun had the nerve to shine makes me so mad. “I’m going to the bookstore. I have boxes to unpack.”

“There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a few days to mourn, Joy.” Lila puts her hand on top of mine.

“It’s not as if I can stop doing that. I can get a little bit ahead and keep busy without having to smile at customers.” I like this idea even if I only thought of it to get out of enjoying a sunny day.