Chapter Eight

I didn’t want to leave my nest. Despite my heat being over, my instincts were telling me it was a terrible idea to leave the safety of my nest. All my mates were together, their scents clinging to the room that forced me to taste them with each inhale.

“C’mon, rebel, I’ve ordered food.” Jackson’s cajoling didn’t intrigue me the way he’d probably anticipated. When he exhaled loudly, I knew he was feeling my emotions turn bitter.

Remembering everything that happened in a heat was nearly impossible when it took so many days. No one ate or drank anything during that time, which was technically fine since our bodies had gone into a sexual hibernation of sorts.

As soon as that cloud cleared our minds and bodies, I remembered everything before that—not my actual memories, just the way the delivery woman flirted with my mates. And more importantly, the way they didn’t tell her to fuck off.

The physical part of my heat might be over, but my hormones were still going crazy. Logically, I knew it would only take an extra day or two for all the emotional demands to finally seep from my system … until then, I was screwed feeling wildly extreme.

I had a sarape wrapped around me, my fingers playing with the tasseled ends.

A part of me wanted to yell at them for letting her touch them and the other part wanted to cry because they hadn’t stopped her. Somewhere, in the furthest part of my conscious thoughts, there was a tiny logical voice that said they hadn’t actually done anything. That voice wasn’t loud enough to drown out the shouting of my worries.

Was it because I was no longer the same Hannah they’d bonded with? Were they happy with this new, potentially permanent, version of myself that meant starting over? Would they rather just start over with someone else?

Fingers grabbed my chin, pulling my face alarmingly close to Jackson’s. His natural features already looked stern, but it was amazing how dangerous he appeared when he was actually glaring at me, anger radiating from him.

“Knock it off. You’re our mate, Hannah. You. It doesn’t matter that your memories are lost because you’re still the same little rebel omega.”

“What if I’m not?” My question was whispered so quietly, I was actually surprised that he could hear it, let alone anyone else.

Zeke came up next to me, rubbing his cheek against mine in a soothing gesture. “Then we’ll love this new version of you.”

“Why don’t you come out of the nest, and we’ll talk about everything that’s concerning you?” Sebastian recommended.

I glared at the male for his suggestion.

“You need food, Hannah,” Han said. “And the sooner you get out of the nest, the quicker this need to stay in here will leave, too.

I grumbled under my breath as I made my way to the nest door. I moved as slowly as possible. Mostly out of spite, but also because I barely felt strong enough to crawl to the door.

Jackson reached over me, opening the door that led to the hallway on the third floor. Despite the typically soft orange glow, it felt too bright against my eyes. I tried turning back into the nest, content that I’d failed in leaving when I ran directly into my alpha. He lifted me up, letting me hide my face against his chest as he carried me away from my nest.

I was already shaking my head, complaining that this was an absolutely terrible idea. The stairs were even brighter than the hallway and when we reached the bottom floor, I had a headache from how bright the lights were—or maybe it was about how strongly I was scrunching my face to block out the bright lights.

The sound of the front door opening and then quickly shutting did make me feel better. No delivery person this time.

Jackson sat down, keeping me in his lap as the others moved around. Zeke was getting drinks, Han was separating the food, and Sebastian was updating the outside world that my heat was officially over.

My mouth watered at the smells. When Han lifted the lid off the cheesy pasta in front of me, I groaned at the delicious tendrils of heat rising from the food.

Before Zeke had managed to come back with all the drinks, Han was handing Jackson a fork. I watched my mate’s hand spear a few cheesy shells before lifting them up to my mouth.

The feeling of being fed probably would be weird any other time except in my post-heat phase, so I didn’t even hesitate in enjoying the food.

“It’s the start of the weekend,” Sebastian said once everyone was sitting in the dining space. “We’ll have the next few days to rest before we have to go back to work.”

A growl curled out from my throat at the idea of my mates leaving anytime soon.

“Not until you’re ready,” Sebastian agreed.

Jackson continued to feed me food, the heavy meal settling in my stomach with each bite. The need to return to my nest was still buzzing through my body, like an itch I tried to ignore. When Jackson’s chest vibrated with a purr, my body finally settled.

We mostly ate in silence, the alphas needing all the energy they could get. When we finished, I could barely keep my eyes open any longer.

“Nest?” I asked through a yawn.

“Not yet, rebel. We need to rinse you off.”

If I had more energy, I would have argued against removing their scents from my body. As it was, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, let alone muster up the strength to speak.

I felt my body shifted from one set of arms to another. Pumpkin and spice and cinnamon had me pressing my nose harder against Han’s throat for more of his scent. He smelled so relaxing, making me want to wrap myself up in a blanket as I cuddled against his chest.

Even as he climbed the steps back up to the third floor, the gentle rocking motion had me nodding off to sleep for a moment. It was the sound of water pouring that jostled me awake again.

The lights were bright, but I managed to open my eyes fully after lots of blinking and rubbing against my eyelids. This bathroom was a dark gray and gold mix, making the whole space appear very elegant. Dark cabinets with bright handles, little streaks of that tawny yellow through the floor’s grout.

What stood out the most was the tub, its bright white surface not matching the vibe of the rest of the room. It was huge, though, definitely made for two people to relax in. As it filled up, the room began to fill with steam.

“Usually, I would ask if you wanted me to stay with you,” Han started. “But this heat was longer than usual, and I can tell you’re wiped. I’m going to stay in here with you and make sure you don’t fall asleep in the water, okay?”

“No. Join me.”

Han chuckled and I took that as his agreement.

He set me down on top of the counter, making sure my blanket was under my thighs so the cool surface didn’t bother me. After checking the temperature, adding a few drops of some sort of oil, and then using his hand to stir the water, he picked me back up, letting my sarape drop to the floor.

With how warm the space was, only my arm hairs seemed to rise in response to the slightly different temperature.

My alpha stepped into the water first, sighing even as the warmth only rose to his knees, and then helped me in. I almost cried with how good it felt to be in the water. Behind me, my mate leaned against the tub, letting me lean against him. As we settled, the water lapped at my neck before calming.

Now that I was closer to the water, I could smell the mint drops Han had added. It overwhelmed my senses, in the best way, seeming to clear out the primitive part of my thoughts that demanded the scents of my mate and the comfort of my nest.

It was a good choice that Han joined me because at some point, I did fall asleep in the water.

****

The next few days, the pack mostly slept and ate. I found myself falling asleep with one alpha only to wake up with a different one. Every day I felt a little less antsy about being away from my nest until eventually, I let my mates help me clean out my private space.

Air purifiers set up in the room for the permanent drapes that hang from the ceiling, blankets in the wash, pillows deep cleaned with a fancy nozzle that used hot water and soap.

Then a huge pack cuddle with all the freshly cleaned items to get everyone’s scent back on them.

By the end of the weekend, I was officially out of my post-heat phase and the alphas were all preparing for work. I learned that Sebastian was a scientist, currently testing betas and the effects of bonding them into a pack. Jackson owned his own company which was a bunch of long-term security teams for famous people. Zeke was a tattoo artist at a prestigious studio where the wait to get a single piece by him was a six-month period. At least Han worked from home, his job letting him be anywhere his computers were since he worked on breaking into security systems and then refortifying them until he couldn’t.

When the morning came that three out of my four alphas were supposed to leave, I started to spiral. We had been so focused on regaining our energy and cleaning the nest that we didn’t actually have time to talk about what happened.

The flirting beta, sex during the heat, all of it was making me unable to hold still. Jackson, Sebastian, and Zeke were all eating breakfast, a meal my tastebuds craved but my stomach threatened to revolt if I so much as took a bite of it.

I knew my mates could feel the anxiety burning through my system, but no one seemed concerned as they ate away at their meals. Or maybe they were just chalking it up to my opinions on my missing mate.

“Where’s Han?” I demanded.

I was pacing back and forth, walking a few steps out of the dining room, wanting to look for my fourth mate before my body demanded I turn back around and be near my present mates.

“He’ll be back soon,” Zeke said.

“But where is he?” If I clenched my jaw any tighter, it would be a miracle if words still managed to make it past my teeth.

“Don’t worry, Hannah. He’ll be home before any of us leave.”

I glared at him mentioning the ‘L’ word.

“What are your plans for the day, rebel?” Jackson asked.

Shrugging, I admitted, “I don’t know.” Leaving the house wasn’t technically legal, and I was still injured. Reaching a hand to feel the strange section of missing hair, I add, “Maybe I’ll make a hair appointment.”

All three of my mates perked up at that, their excitement blatantly obvious.

“That sounds like a great idea, princess,” Seb said. “Are you thinking of a new color? You’ve had purple for a while now.”

“You don’t like the purple?”

“I like any color you do. I think my favorite was when you did the half and half green and black.”

“Very femme fatale,” Zeke agreed. His arousal just barely caught my attention.

I blushed even as I shook my head. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, just that I wanted a change.

“Whatever it is, you’ll look perfect, rebel.”

My thanks was forgotten when I heard the door open. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I ran, determined to learn why my mate had left so early in the morning without a goodbye. With a drink in each hand, he used his foot to shut the door behind him.

“Good morning,” he said, smiling widely. His positive demeanor was so distracting that I forgot to respond as he came up and kissed both of my cheeks before handing me a drink. Like the one from the hospital, it was in a clear plastic cup.

Mine was a dark purple color, similar to the last one I’d had.

“Thank you.” I took a sip, the sweet taste I was expecting turning out to be bitter. My nose wrinkled in disgust before I thought better of it and tried to school my features. It sort of tasted like the last one I had, only they must have screwed it up when making it.

“Here, try mine.” Before I could argue, Han switched our drinks. His was a soft white color, and when I tried it, I could actually taste the authentic vanilla beans blended in it. “Keep it. I don’t mind this one.”

It was probably bad, but I didn’t argue. This smoothie was so much better and if he was offering to switch drinks, I wasn’t going to stop him.

In the next few minutes, the rest of my alphas left, and Han went up to the second floor to work.

For the first hour, I enjoyed my drink, even reheating some breakfast to eat. Then I tried walking around, exploring the house on my own, ignoring the very specific instructions not to use the stairs. When I was bored of that, I went back to the living room space, wondering if I should just sit and watch some TV. My attention caught on the bag of yarn and hooks on the small table.

Pulling everything out, I noticed only a single bit had been attempted, although it appeared to be already coming apart. Deciding to start from scratch, I undid the loops and knots and whatnot and grabbed the folded instructions.

Seemed easy enough. Knot the yarn on the hook then do some loopy-loops and bam—a stuffed dog.

The first knot, getting the yarn to stay on the hook was misleadingly easy. When I tried to actually make the yarn exist in any way that was more complicated than unrolling it, I failed. I kept grabbing more and more length, unspooling the ball in an attempt to make this project work. It was impossible.

At some point, I had to stop and rewind all the yarn back around itself. Then, I tried again.

I was concentrating so hard my head was beginning to thump, especially the back part where the stitches were aching, making it difficult to think properly. Still, I tried to power through, taking a deep breath, rolling my shoulders so I wasn’t hunched over the little table, and started again.

“It’s fucking impossible.” Throwing the goddamned yarn and hook on the table, I didn’t even bother putting it away. The instructions sucked. They didn’t even fucking make sense.

“You good, Hannah?”

Han’s voice appeared from the stairs, my alpha standing on the bottom step, leaning against the wall as he smirked at me.

“This is impossible.” I pointed to the broken yarn and unusable hook. “There’s no way this was something I’ve ever done.”

“Actually, the last time you tried, I came downstairs just in time to stop you from tossing it into the fireplace. You said something about wanting to hear it scream in the fire of everlasting pain.”

I shrugged. Past me definitely had the right idea.

“I’m taking lunch, want to join me?”

To be honest, I wasn’t really hungry, but I went into the kitchen anyways, not bothering to put away my unfinished project. Han made his food with ease, letting me help grab him what he needed. It was a quick pasta with some heated-up seafood and a delicious sauce that apparently he makes at the beginning of each month and stores for pack use.

Rather than walk all the way to the dining room, Han just ate over the large kitchen island. I made myself comfortable on top of the counter. Each time he offered a bite, I took it without hesitation, moaning at how good it was.

“So.” Han scraped the last bit of sauce off his plate before continuing. “What’s the plan?”

“Plan?”

“Obviously, that—”, he gestured to the living room, “—wasn’t going well. And you’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

I groaned, unable to help it. “I’m so bored.”

“Why do you feel so guilty about that?”

“Because. I mean, look at this place. There has to be something I can do. I can’t imagine I just waited around for everyone to get home.”

“Of course not. Usually you did your classes—”

I gasped, the sound seeming to startle Han who sat up straight. “I totally forgot I was taking classes. I got so distracted with everything. Can you show me how to access them?”

“Hannah, you’re supposed to be taking it easy. Sebastian has already been in contact with your professors about giving you more time.”

“Time for what?”

I realized in the silence what he meant. Not just time to heal physically, but time for my memories to come back. My mates were waiting for their version of Hannah to return. Despite the doctors saying that it was potentially impossible, they still wanted her back. It was weird to think of myself almost like ‘the other woman’.

It felt like a betrayal. Like every time they told me it was fine that I didn’t remember, every time they said they would still love this new version, was a lie. My heart felt heavy in my chest, aching with a dull pain.

Sitting on top of the counter suddenly felt too vulnerable. I hopped down, ignoring the jarring pain in the back of my head from my heavy landing.

“No, wait, Hannah.”

I stopped, despite the burn starting behind my eyes that I didn’t want him to see, because I wanted him to make it better. I wanted his words to fix the problem.

He didn’t turn me around or move to stand in front of me. Staying behind me, I could feel the heat from his body, could smell his pumpkin scent becoming distressed. My own instincts wanted me to comfort him, so I did, unable to fight it. I turned around wrapping my arms around him and trying to get myself to purr.

It stuttered before finally committing.

“I’m sorry, Hannah,” he said. I knew he meant it, could smell his guilt and regret getting stronger with each of my own sniffles as I tried to stop myself from crying. He didn’t offer any other words or explanations. “I’ll teach you how to log in, okay? It’s your decision if you want to continue classes or not.”

“Okay. I’d like that.”

For the first time since I woke up in the hospital, it was awkward with one of my mates. Together, the silence was almost painful as I followed him up the stairs to the second floor. He led me to his office, the majority of the room taken up by his desk with multiple screens and thick hardware underneath. In the back corner was a giant round one-seater couch with a sleek silver laptop beside it. My lavender scent was all over the wool upholstery.

“Here.” Han handed me another blanket, not a sarape, but not something so soft that it would stick to my sweat.

I folded my legs underneath myself as I sat down, draping the fabric over my lap. Han’s computer screens were easily visible from where I was sitting, although I had no idea what to make of most of it. One just had a website for some sort of energy company. Another was all black with typed words I’d swear weren’t actually readable. Next to that was a weird screen that had the company logo in the corner and was magically typing by itself.

The alpha crouched next to me, showing how he logs into the little computer and then how to get to the college website. “These are the two classes you’re taking right now.”

I nodded, my excitement struggling to grab a foothold against the sadness still coursing through my body. I didn’t want my other emotions tainting what was a first time for me, so I did my best to grab onto the happy feelings and ignore the negative ones, pretending, at least temporarily, that all was fine.

In all honesty, I was struggling.

“Hannah?”

I looked up at the sound of my name, the word seeming loud since I’d been so focused on myself.

“I just wanted to say, that what happened downstairs was a misunderstanding.”

Just like that, the sadness in my system disappeared to anger. “Oh, yeah? How so?”

Despite the tone in my words, Han smiled. “I know you, Hannah. We all do. You’re the only one that’s forgotten. You’re still a rebel, determined to fight for omega’s rights. Still love the idea of changing your hair and I know you absolutely hate that missing piece from your surgery. You have zero artistic skill despite how much you want to. You’ve forgotten the little things, but you’re still the same.”

“But what if I’m not?”

“You are.”

“But what if?”

“Then we get to fall in love with you all over again. Is that such a bad thing?”

The words came out without letting me think them over first. “What if you don’t love this version of me? What if I’m not the same Hannah you fell in love with the first time and you can’t love me?”

There was no cure for what happened to my brain, and there was a very real chance that I would never recover those memories. Inside jokes, gifts, bonding moments, all of them gone.

“You’re not getting it.” Han reached out with both his hands, cupping my face and bringing me so close that each of his words had him puffing a little bit of air over my own lips. “You’re not different than you were with those memories, Hannah. The only reason we want you to remember is for your benefit. And a little to assuage our own guilt.”

“What do you mean?”

“We didn’t protect you.” His voice broke over those words, his hands dropping from my face as his head bowed. The guilt and sorrow pouring from him clogging my nose with how strong the scents were. “Of course we want your memories to come back because then it won’t feel like we failed you so badly. Being so far away that you had to run, terrified, from a peace officer, who fucking hurt you. And look how much you’re struggling. Your life is already hard enough with your designation and all these political bullshit laws going into place.”

My heart ached as I reached out to my mate, trying to comfort him. His forehead was on the edge of my little couch, his arms spread like he wanted to reach for me, but wasn’t actually touching me. Warm tears fell down my cheeks as my nose became inexplicably stuffed as it always did when I cried.

I curved my body over him, gently lying on top of him like I could protect him from his own dark thoughts. While his words helped to soothe my own internal aches, it was like he’d ripped off his own emotional scab before it had time to heal, and now it was bleeding inside him.

As best I could, I ran a finger over his hand, pushing out my own calming pheromones to help him. My scent became so strong that I almost lost track of any traces of pumpkin.

“Please forgive me, Hannah,” Han said, his voice still muffled. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

His words were like magic, healing my wound from earlier and making me wonder why I’d even overreacted. I snuggled impossibly closer to my alpha. “I forgive you.”

I felt the muscles in his back lose their tension, and I couldn’t help turning my face to kiss him. If he felt my lips through the fabric of his shirt, he didn’t say anything.

Eventually, Han and I broke apart. He needed to get back to work and I was officially excited to take a look at my classes.

Before he returned to his chair, he leaned close, kissing me gently. Han’s lips were soft, only I didn’t want something tender then. I pressed harder against him, sucking his bottom lip before gently biting it. He groaned, the sound going straight to my insides like he had a direct line to my pleasure center.

“Later, Hannah. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Promise?” I meant it to be a raspy, flirty question. Instead, it sounded almost desperate and worried and slightly breathless.

His gaze met mine as we stared at each other. Han’s eyes were naturally heavy-lidded and thin, making him look like he could model just his eyes. Sure, his jaw line was sharp and good looking, and his cheek bones were prominent without making him appear gaunt, but his eyes were the showstoppers. “Promise.”

He kissed me again, and then we spent the rest of the day in a comfortable silence.