Chapter 4

After fuckingEarly on his surprisingly durable kitchen table to thank him for the amazing breakfast, he had fallen asleep again after cleaning up. I had lingered with him in my arms, but my contentment and desire to stay drove me to take the coward’s way out by leaving him.

I had expected the distance between us to help, but every step I took away from his apartment made me feel like shit. That had morphed into rage by the time I returned home.

I heard my roommate, Iason Leyland, playing guitar in his room. We had shared a dorm freshman year, and he moved in with me and Fitzy after Mom passed away. I knocked on his open door.

He was sitting on his bed with his blue ombre guitar, strumming a melody as he crooned to himself. He was almost absurdly handsome, with sky-blue eyes, dark hair, and the voice of an angel. It was a mystery to me why he was wasting his time studying business when he should have been making a career in the music industry. Once the right person heard him sing, there’d be no stopping his meteoric rise.

“Hey!” He glanced up at me with a smile that turned into a concerned expression. “What’s wrong?”

My chaotic mix of emotions got jumbled inside me, and my anger came out first. “He told me no! No one tells me no!”

Iason set his guitar aside to give me his full attention. “Okay, let’s back up a few steps. Who is ‘he,’ and why did he tell you no?”

“Early is just some meaningless twink I picked up at the club last night.” I said that, but something deep within me protested that wasn’t quite true. “When I tried to leave this morning, he told me no.” It rankled me to no end.

“And what’s the problem with that?”

I paced in the small space between his bed and dresser, feeling like a caged animal. “He doesn’t get to tell me no.”

Iason cocked a skeptical eyebrow at my claim. “I hate to break it to you, but there’s this little thing called consent that you should keep in mind before saying stuff like that.”

“This isn’t about that.” I ran my hand through my hair as my rage rippled through me in waves that kept me on edge. “He told me no, and I stayed like an obedient dog. That’s the problem. No one ever tells me what to do. I always do what I want. And I fucking stayed.”

“Did you stay because you wanted to stay?”

I couldn’t bring myself to answer, so I settled for a nod as I resumed pacing again. Everything in me was unsettled by my encounter with Early.

Iason continued trying to help me see reason. “Then despite him telling you no, didn’t you do what you wanted to by staying?”

“I shouldn’t have wanted to stay!” It galled me it had been almost impossible to make myself leave the pint-sized firecracker’s side. “It should have been a one-and-done. I should have been able to walk away without a second thought.”

My roommate tilted his head as he studied me with eyes that always saw straight through my bullshit. “So, your real issue is that you want to meet him again?”

I hung my head in shame. “Fuck, it sounds even worse when you say it out loud.”

He crossed his legs and made himself more comfortable. “What’s wrong with wanting to see him again?”

“That’s not my style.” I sighed as my emotions continued to swirl in a messy hurricane within me. “You know I’ve always been a hit-it-and-quit-it type. I’m not interested in changing that.”

Iason grinned at me. “Except you obviously are.”

I grumbled in annoyance. It was so irritating that he was right. “But I shouldn’t want to!”

“And yet you do.” His gaze softened as he looked at me. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“There’s an enormous fucking problem with it.” I huffed as I forced myself to confront the uncomfortable truth. “Because if I see him again, then I’m going to want to keep seeing him. He’s too dangerous to allow that.”

“Dangerous? I thought you said he was a twink?” Iason laughed at his own joke, but I couldn’t join in with his humor.

“He’s the most intriguing and infuriating person I’ve ever met.” I toyed with my lower lip as I scowled. “After only one night together, I could barely bring myself to leave him. I can’t risk seeing him again.”

Some of Iason’s amusement disappeared as he realized what I wasn’t saying. “Because you’re afraid you’ll fall for him.”

It was like a punch to the gut to hear him speak the truth. But I couldn’t lie about it. “Yeah.”

“Maybe you’re supposed to.”

I looked at him in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“People come into your life for a reason, right?” He kept his voice gentle since he knew it was a sore subject for me. “What if Early came into the picture to take your mind off of losing your mom? Maybe he’s here to help you through the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with.”

I wanted to tell him that was bullshit and stupid, but I didn’t have the strength left in me to protest. Besides, what if he was right? For the first time since my mom’s terminal cancer diagnosis, I had forgotten about the heartache while I was with Early. It made me feel equal parts relieved and horrible. “I can’t be distracted when I have to take care of Fitzy.”

Iason gestured for me to sit beside him. When I did, he put an arm around me in a soft hug. “What if Early is supposed to take care of you while you do that? He might be what gives you the strength to be strong for your brother right now.”

Faced with my silence, he hesitantly added, “Don’t you think your mom would feel better knowing you were with somebody, so you aren’t alone?”

The crushing pain of my recent loss weighed heavily on me. Mom had been my rock, so I hadn’t been ready to lose her so soon. “She would have adored him. He’s cute and feisty, which was her favorite combination.” The scene of them meeting each other played out in my mind and tugged on my heartstrings because it would never happen. “She’d make him promise to take care of me when she’s gone. Then she’d threaten to come back and haunt me if I ever let him go.”

“Getting this worked up about him shows that some part of you already cares deeply about him.” Iason rubbed my shoulder in comfort. “Instead of being scared, why not take a chance on Early? He’s clearly someone special.”

“Because I don’t want one more night with him. I want him to be mine and mine alone forever.” A weight lifted off my chest from admitting the truth. “This is insanity. We literally just met and fucked. He’s not supposed to matter.”

“But he does, and that’s okay.” Iason squeezed my shoulder in solidarity.

I hesitated before voicing my deeper fear. “What if he only wants to keep things casual with meaningless fucks?”

“Something tells me he won’t be able to resist you when you put on your charm.”

While I saw the wisdom in Iason’s words, I wasn’t there yet. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s a start.” He changed topics to give me an out. “I was about to head to the Record Exchange and get lunch. Want to come with me?”

It was our favorite used CD, DVD, and vinyl store. Eager to do anything to take my mind off my confusion about Early, I agreed. “Yeah, let’s go.”

I’d have to wait until later to figure out if I was going to claim Early as my duchess for real.

After spendingthe afternoon with Iason, I caved and returned to Early’s apartment that evening. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer when I knocked. Since I hadn’t gotten his number earlier, that left me with two choices. I could leave and come back, or I could sit and wait for him to return. Because I was determined to talk to him, I chose the latter option.

I lost track of how long I sat outside his door. When I thought I heard him arriving, I was disappointed to discover it was his neighbor coming home, who gave me a disapproving glower before disappearing into her apartment.

More time passed, and I had drifted into a light doze when someone else approached. The sound was enough to stir me. I perked up at the sight of him walking toward me, carrying groceries. Instead of the mesh top and black skin-tight pants he had on the night before, he wore jeans and a pink polo shirt that made him even cuter somehow.

Rather than being surprised, he looked satisfied by my appearance. “Look at that. You’re right on time.”

“We need to talk.” My stomach was tense with nerves because I was so far out of my depths.

He opened his door and left it open as he walked inside his apartment. “Come in and make yourself at home.”

I shut the door behind me as I took a seat at his kitchen table while he unloaded his groceries. His fridge and all his shelves were neatly organized, with all the labels facing the front. It was unexpected to see someone who was whirlwind chaos personified to be so orderly.

“You said we need to talk, so I think it’s only fair you go first.” He continued putting away his things.

It made it easier to speak since his attention wasn’t on me. “What do you want from me?”

He leaned against his kitchen counter as he studied me. “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

His response caused me to bristle. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”

“I guess the better question is, are you ready to hear the answer?” It was a subtle difference, but it seemed like an important one.

“That probably depends on what you say.”

Early came closer to me, tilting my chin up to force our gazes to meet. It was disconcerting having him looming over me when I was used to being the tall and intimidating one. But I didn’t look away from his eyes, which always seemed to be a different color in every shade of light. “I won’t play games with you, Duke. I want you.”

My heart slammed in my chest at hearing him state his desire so plainly. But I needed specifics. “In what capacity?”

“As my boyfriend and future husband.” His words flooded me with unexpected warmth, which told me I was already in too deep. “I’m not interested in fucking around with other boys when you give me everything I need and more.”

Our conversation from earlier popped into my head. “What about threesomes?”

“Oh, we can still have fun with those. But your heart belongs to me.”

I owed it to him to be honest. “You were right this morning. I normally enjoy a three-way, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to share you with another man. If you’re mine, then you’re mine.”

His lips quirked up in a smirk. “You’re certainly a romantic caveman.”

I looped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer. “Do you object?”

“No, I’m enjoying your possessive streak.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “Why don’t I make you dinner, and then you can spend the rest of the night making me yours?”

His question made me realize something important. “Did you buy those groceries because you knew I’d return?”

He grinned at me. “Absolutely. You strike me as a man who loves his steak, so I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Oh, you could never disappoint me, Duchess.” I tugged him down for a kiss. All was finally right in my world when he kissed me back. It might not have made sense, but I felt the rightness of my decision all the way to my core.