41. One Last Showdown

T urney eyed Octavius for a moment. The menace was on the floor, humming happily as he cutely drew and glittered away on a large corkboard, and in a small scrapbook. Scarlett and Theo were on the couch watching him. Theo’s eyes were transformed, and both looked amused by Turney’s eternal suffering.

Shaking his head, he turned to Min-ji, who sat at the small kitchen table, alternatingly mixing two wooden bowls.

Turney peeked into the bowls. “So, what does what? And how do we use them?”

The first liquid looked like cloudy water, while the second was a pukey green color, and had a scent coming off it that smelled like…well…puke—ugh…

Min-ji answered without looking up. “The first is a topical potion, and is so we can touch him, no matter what form he is in, invisible or not. It also stops him from being able to slip through solid objects, which includes us. For it to work…we just need to dump it on him. The second is more of a liquid spell, and it is what we will use to bind him in his human form.” She sighed. “That one…we are going to have to force down his throat.”

Turney groaned. “Wait…he has to drink it?”

“Yes,” she drawled.

That was not going to be fun…

“Yep!” Octavius giggled. “He has to drink it down. It should be fun!”

Turney sighed… Yep…well, at least his boyfriend was consistent in his insanity.

He eyed the vampire when he suddenly stood up. “Done?”

“Nope! But I have to go.”

“Go where…?”

“My panel, of course!”

“Your…panel, of course…” he repeated dumbly. “Octavius, what panel?!”

“The final showdown between me and my enemy, MATHEW!” Octavius cried. “Remember!? I told you there was one more!”

Theo made a choking noise, while Scarlett started to giggle. Min-ji seemed intent on ignoring them, in favor of working on the potions. Well…one was a spell…he supposed. Wait…were potions spells?

He shook his head and the thoughts away, before snapping, “Octavius, you can’t go to a panel right now!? WE literally have the park owner LOCKED in a building! He tried to kill us, remember?!”

That would be a fact that even Octavius would have trouble forgetting…however…

“I do remember, but I can’t miss this!” Octavius huffed. “Do you know how much work it took to set up?!”

Well, he’d put in very little effort actually…as the owner had taken care of it all, back when he’d still been faking being nice. Octavius couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate the favor. It wasn’t going to stop him from ultimately putting the bastard into the ground, but…it was still appreciated.

“Set…up?” Turney said slowly. “What do you mean, set up?”

“Set up…as in, I am on the panel, and I have to go! It’s a showdown between Mallard Mysteries and The Mysterious Quack!”

“Oh…my God…Octavius…” Turney groaned. “My head…my head…”

Octavius tsked…Turney could be sooo…dramatic.

Turney stared blankly at the panelists’ table. Once again, he found himself in the front row, but this time, Scarlett and Theo were next to him, while his menace was sitting behind the table, waiting for his ‘sworn’ enemy. Well, sitting behind, as in…at the left narrower end of the table. It looked like he was planning to face his opponent the whole time, as the other empty seat was across from him.

Octavius, who was practically bouncing in his seat, waved cutely at him. Turney barely held back his smile as he slowly waved the small and very glittery ‘Go Mallard Mysteries’ flag that he had in his hand…as he could be annoyed and still supportive.

He glanced around. There was a…surprisingly large crowd. Turney frowned, his eyes widening when he realized that he recognized almost everyone in there—as in, he had seen all of their faces before.

Holy shit…his menace had attracted a crowd of menaces. They were all there to see shit hit the fan, because every single one of them had gone to at least one, if not all, of the other panels. They knew where this was going…

Octavius looked towards the doors at the far end of the room, smiling as Mathew walked in. His smile widened as he spotted the flecks of blue and pink glitter that were still in the man’s graying hair, and on his person.

“Octavius…” Turney growled under his breath, the zombie no doubt noticing. But it was too late for him to do anything, so like…heh.

He beamed at Jane as she gracefully walked in and waved at him. The human was to be their beautiful and fair moderator!

Mathew hmphed while he took the seat across from him.

“Welcome, everyone, I’m this panel’s moderator, Jane Prentess,” Jane beamed as she spoke into the microphone she held. “Quite a crowd. But then, I think we all know why we’re here.” The woman laughed.

“This is the showdown between Mallard Mysteries and The Mysterious Quack. And so we can hurry up and get to the good parts, let me introduce our panelists. On the right, we have college professor, Mathew Bardell, who will be fighting for The Mysterious Quack, and on the left, fighting for Mallard Mysteries, we have Owner and Lead Detective of The Undead Detective Agency, Octavius Evander!”

He beamed as everyone clapped.

“Now, an explanation on how this panel will run, along with some ground rules, before we get started. We will be judging this on a point-based system, for whoever wins each topic brought up. The ultimate winner is the one with the most points at the end.

“Be aware, some of the judging will be subjective, as I will be deciding, but that’s life, so deal with it. I will, however, do my best to avoid being biased, based on my like or dislike of either show.

“To note, when I say ‘point to’ whoever, you are to change the subject. If you don’t, that will lose you a point. I may also decide that there is no winner, in which case, I will announce ‘points to no one’. That is also a cue to move on.

“Now for the ground rules. No screaming, no banging on the table, no overturning furniture, no standing, no violence whatsoever, no personal insults, and lastly, no insulting the fans of either show.

“Points-wise, you will also lose a point each time you break a rule. Completely ignoring the rules will result in removal. Physical violence of any kind will end in you automatically being dragged from the panel, and the building, followed by possible legal actions. Understand, panelists?” she said, with an evil smile, as if she was daring them to try her.

It kind of reminded him of Scarlett, which honestly, just made him like her even more.

“Understood,” he chimed.

“Understood,” Mathew grumbled.

“Right! Let’s begin. Octavius, start us off.”

Grinning, he eyed Mathew, who was still glaring at him, and said, “Two shows about talking ducks, but only one decided to choose one who was worth looking at. Mallard Mysteries choosing to make Drake Feathering a mallard, provides the audience with something beautiful to look at, while they follow along with the web of mysteries.”

The human scoffed. “Unlike Mallard Mysteries, The Mysterious Quack doesn’t need pretty colors to keep its audience watching. While Barnum Jones being a white pekin may not be as eye-catching, it’s perfectly suited for a show in black and white.”

“Ah, black and white films, truly a marvel of their time, but an odd choice this decade,” Octavius said with a wide, smug smile. “Really odd, considering how much trouble the film editors of that show seemed to have with balancing the contrast of light and dark. So much so that they randomly washed their main character off the screen. But I suppose, a floating duck bill, monocle, and two disembodied webbed feet, could be considered entertaining.”

Some in the audience laughed, as his smile grew under the human’s glare.

“While there were SOME technical issues that cropped up with their decision, the fact is, it fit the style and the feel of the show. The same can’t be said of Mallard Mysteries.”

See, the problem with Mathew’s hatred was…it was uninformed. The human hadn’t finished Mallard Mysteries, whereas Octavius, however, had finished The Mysterious Quack. It was something he’d watched when he was trying to satisfy his need for more Mallard Mysteries. It had fallen very short. Either way, unfortunately for Mathew, Octavius remembered the show quite well.

“Style and feel of the show, you say? I disagree. Not only didn’t they set the show in the past, it wasn’t even in the present. And for a show set in the future, going with black and white without seemingly any underlying reason for it, makes the decision, on top of the technical issues, beyond questionable.”

“Point to Octavius,” Jane announced.

Mathew huffed, but he did change the topic. “The Mysterious Quack, while not perfect, as no show is, made choices that at the very least don’t undermine what the show is about. Which is a talking duck who solves cases. The fact is…Mallard Mysteries humanizes its talking animals to the point that if they were turned human, it wouldn’t affect the plot of the show at all. If such a huge element can be completely removed from the show, without changing the main plot lines, was it ever necessary in the first place?”

Octavius’ eyes narrowed. “That is not true. Changing the animals to humans would remove the struggles they face trying to integrate in with humans. From lack of accessibility, to discrimination, and so on.”

“But, would it really? They could easily experience all of that while human.” Mathew smiled evilly. “Face it, the animals are basically humans. They clothe them, they even have them dating each other, as if it would be normal for them to date outside their species, ignoring that the results of them intermingling would be horrific.”

“Other sentient species loving each other is not wrong!” Octavius hissed. “And what is wrong with clothing them? Someone having style should never be a problem. Though, I can see why it would be one for you, since Barnum Jones wears nothing beyond a monocle. He is, in fact, completely indistinguishable from any other duck.”

“That’s the point. If you change Barnum Jones from a duck, the show wouldn’t work. You change Drake Feathering to a human, and barely anything beyond small subplots would be affected. Animals are treated so much like humans that you even have a human in the show hitting on one.”

“Point to Mathew,” Jane interjected.

Octavius’ eyes widened, and he really, really wanted to argue, but…there were rules, and he’d be damned if he lost his point.

But in his mind, talking animals would always add a spot of whimsy into the mix, a layer of intrigue. Maybe they could be human and not much would change, but so what?! The fact was, it added a positive element to the show. A lot of fun things would have been removed, important moments, not to mention dialogue, if Drake wasn’t a duck. It would make the show overly serious, the same way The Mysterious Quack was.

“The main problem with The Mysterious Quack is that it took itself too seriously. When you look past the bit of humor they tried to add with the mis-synced character voices, overall, they used a lot of dark humor that often fell flat. They failed to bring to the picture any sort of light-hearted fun that should come from a series with talking animals. It lacks balance, which is ultimately why it was canceled.”

“It was canceled because studio executives have the attention span and the intelligence of a gnat,” Mathew snapped.

“While studio executives are in the realm of show production, don’t overstep, Mathew,” Jane drawled.

“I won’t disagree that executives often make bad decisions, but my point still stands. The show was too serious for what it was. Even the ‘hidden’ villain was more an overall statement on humans as a whole.

“The deaths of most of the investigating animals in the show alone proved that. Most of them died because they’d been hunted down and eaten. Some by the very people they trusted, yet the others continued working with some of them, as if nothing had happened.

“And unlike in Mallard Mysteries, the level of disregard for animals in society was overlooked completely. There was no pushing for changes towards the creatures that humans evolved to understand. They kept society as it is in life now, with humans eating the creatures around them. But with an added nightmare-inducing reality that these humans were eating them, despite having held conversations with them. Some even talked to them, up until the very end.”

The human snorted. “So what? The best type of villains are those that make statements on society as a whole. Mallard Mysteries hasn’t even revealed or hinted as to why their hidden villain is a villain. To add, a hidden villain in the shadows, that is up close with the hero, but has yet to tell his motive, is cliché and unoriginal.”

“And a show that outlines the overall cruelties and realities of humanity isn’t?”

“Better than an idiot who is helping his enemy unknowingly!”

“Oh, is it? So, the animals helping the people who eat them is…? Are they, what? Friends with benefits?” He laughed. “Benefits being, the humans will slaughter and eat them once they are done?”

He smiled as Mathew growled.

“Point to Octavius,” Jane stated, before adding, “Let’s switch to lightning rounds. New topics, at a faster rate.”

The human took a deep breath and let it out. “The Mallard Mysteries logo is boring.”

Octavius gasped. “You take that back! It’s classy! Unlike The Mysterious Quack, whose logo looks like it was made by someone who’d say ‘graphic design is my passion’!”

The crowd burst into laughter as their moderator snickered, “Point to Octavius.”

Mathew’s jaw clenched for a moment, before he snapped, “The gore in the show, along with the dead bodies, is the worst I’ve seen. The blood is too bright, everything looks plastic.”

“No, the worst you’ve ever seen is while watching your quack show. How one managed to make blood look fake in black and white is truly a feat I never imagined anyone could achieve!”

“No points, both shows did horribly in that aspect,” Jane snorted.

“Fair enough.” His enemy sighed and glared at him a moment, before saying, “The society in your show adjusted to talking animals as if it was simply raining. The reaction was underwhelming and unbelievable.”

“It took them twenty years to get to that point. Meanwhile, in your show, even though it’s caused by an evolutionary change in humans, society hasn’t adjusted at all. They act like they are in our world. Not even a single change was made in an effort to treat animals better. Even the laws do nothing! They solve crimes of animal murder, and let the criminals get away with it!”

“Point to Octavius.”

Mathew growled. “The mysteries in Mallard are subpar, solved quickly, with very few clues, and barely any thought behind them.”

“They sometimes spend three episodes on one crime! How is that quickly?! Oh, that’s right, I forgot, despite inserting yourself onto panels, you never finished even half of the episodes of season one. Total hater energy there!”

“Octavius, no personal attacks,” Jane reprimanded. “Point loss, and a point to Mathew, just to drive home my point. New topic.”

Octavius let out a huff, pouting a bit before he snapped, “They changed the duck like ten times in The Mysterious Quack!”

“That’s not their fault!” Mathew cried. “They had issues with bird flu, and untimely duck deaths!”

“They didn’t even bother to find a duck that looked similar!”

“It’s a white duck!? They all look similar!”

Octavius sputtered, “R-RUDE! You take that back! They do not!”

Jane sighed. “Point to no one, move on.”

Mathew smirked, and ignorantly, he let out his unfashionable opinions. “Drake’s bow ties are awful and stupid! Who even wears bow ties anymore?!”

“Awful!? It’s called FASHION! But if we are speaking of stupid things, Barnum’s monocle doesn’t even have glass!”

“Point to Octavius.”

The human glared, and he glared back. His eyes narrowed when the man slowly smirked, as if he had something on him…but he didn’t. How could he?! His show was horrible!

Taking a deep breath in and out, Mathew slowly said, “Barnum Jones’ love interest is by far superior to Drake Feathering’s.”

Octavius let out a laugh of disbelief. “Barnum Jones’ love interest was plucked and eaten in episode ten of season one.”

“Dead or not, the emotional connection between them was clearly felt, and visible on screen. The yearning he had for her, after the loss and the pain, was undeniably realistic. You can’t say the same for Drake and his penguin.”

“That penguin has a name. It’s Samantha. And there is plenty of love there! It’s just that they are rarely on screen together!”

Very…very rarely on screen together, and when they are… Okay, maybe…the relationship was a bit awkward…but he was sure it would…get better…maybe…

“Please,” Mathew scoffed. “Drake and Benny showed more chemistry together in the first episode than Drake and Samantha did the entire season!”

Octavius opened his mouth and winced, before sighing. “I…concede to that point. Though it’s surprising that you know that, since you didn’t finish watching it.”

The human looked to be about to snap back when he apparently realized Octavius had agreed with him. “Well…as you should, as it’s true… And I didn’t need to finish watching it. There are plenty of video compilations out there.”

“I suppose…” He sighed again, and then reluctantly admitted, “Looking back…it’s true that Barnum and Telly were very in love. And in comparison, Samantha and Drake fall flat, especially if you consider him and Benny.”

Really…if one thought about it…Drake and Benny had more sexual tension than anyone else people tried to pair them with, ship-wise. Even the official ship of Dratha. Dratha being Drake and Samantha’s ship name.

Mathew cleared his throat. “Well, I mean…Benny and Drake’s connection can’t really be ignored. I’m not sure why the show’s writers pushed Samantha and Drake, without them having any sort of chemistry between them…”

“Right!? Why do they do that? Like, every time they bring Samantha in, it’s always so…”

“Uninspiring?”

“YES!”

Turney eyed the moderator, wondering if she planned to stop whatever the hell was happening. Hmm…based on the smile on her face…he was guessing not.

And the crowd didn’t seem interested in stopping it either. He could hear others whispering and agreeing that the official couple wasn’t working out. Then again, neither Octavius nor Mathew looked interested in arguing anymore.

“I honestly think that is what turned me off from the show, them pushing a couple that doesn’t work…” Mathew sighed.

Octavius hummed. “I suppose I get that, but seriously, it doesn’t come up that much, so it’s pretty easy to ignore. If you only watch compilations, it probably looks like she is there a lot, but really she isn’t, considering season one is forty-two episodes.”

What even was this conversation , he thought with a snort, a smile slipping onto his face. The two men were really just sitting in front of everyone…bonding over a gay ship between a duck and a human…

The man grimaced. “They really seemed to push her in the beginning.”

“They did, but after episode ten, we rarely see her.” Octavius cleared his throat. “You know, I suppose The Mysterious Quack wasn’t as bad as I claimed it was… I did enjoy watching it…just not as much as the other. But then, I prefer shows with a bit more fun, and less death and sadness.”

Mathew nodded. “It’s…not for everyone. Maybe I was…being too harsh on Mallard Mysteries, based on the few episodes I saw…and…the fact that I was mad that my show was canceled.”

“You should give it another chance,” Octavius chimed happily.

Did…the two even remember where they were and what they were supposed to be doing? Like, this was…expected of Octavius. The vampire could easily ignore an entire room and forget they were even there…but…Mathew hadn’t seemed the type.

Then again, it wasn’t like Turney knew him. So maybe the two were more similar than he thought. Though, thinking on it…them both fiercely defending shows about talking ducks probably should have already clued him in on just how similar they were.

The human’s nose wrinkled. “I really don’t like that penguin.”

“Yeah…she’s not super likable, I suppose…but I promise, she is not the focus. And mostly you just get Benny and Drake solving crimes together, with their insane chemistry…even though Benny is secretly a villain.”

Jane cleared her throat. “Well then! I think with that, we can end this panel. But it seems rather than a winner, we have two people who came to a mutual understanding over the perfectness of Dranny, which while not the ending we expected, it is the one I think we all deserve!” She clapped, as did the rest of the crowd.

Octavius stood up with a grin, Mathew doing so as well. They met, shaking hands, and the vampire said, “Until next time.”

Mathew tilted his head in agreement, saying, “Until then,” before walking away.

Turney approached the table with a small, amused smile. “Okay, you did what you came to do…I think… Can we go take care of the murderous phantom we have locked in a restaurant now, or is there some other insane talking duck related showdown you are expected at?”

“No, no more showdowns. We can go!” Octavius laughed. “You were being so prickly! And for what? So I delayed things an hour! As you can see, it wasn’t a big deal!”

Turney rolled his eyes. “Brat.”