Chapter 7

seven

River

I am mesmerized by her curves, the slender muscles that she's currently using to fight her way towards the shaker with the second Blushing Bride I intended to pour myself. Placing it on a high shelf did nothing to help the situation. Instead I got a view of Lily on tiptoe; the curve of her calves as I trailed my eyes up her legs to a full round ass I can't help but want to grab. This is going to be an interesting night.

Despite her previous push to end the subject of her parents, she's now part way through her third drink and anger slowly rises behind her silky somber answers. It's as if she's afraid of being heard, afraid of being seen by anyone. Even me.

"I made it clear, we can't keep doing this, and if that's all they can say to me I won't come back. I think," she shakes her head, eyes gazing at her sandal clad feet, "I think they were honestly relieved to be done with me. They have not tried to contact me since." The mix of rage, sadness, grief, anxiety, and self-loathing that flowed through this confession was hard to watch, and I regret my stupidity. I shouldn't have asked, I should have realized.

Reaching out to grab her hand, my fingers lightly skim her soft wrist. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"Going alllll the way back to your original original question," she slurs the word all, "Delia left the key out. Just need to walk Pete and me, Pete and I? Pete? Over there. I'll crash on the couch." She's drifting, and I'm not sure if she realizes this is all still spoken out loud now. "Or… I'll grab my tent and camp? Since, Nessa said if I wake her she'll do bodily harm. I think I'm not going to be able to be quiet enough… so, yeah. I guess camping it is!" She sways and grabs for the leash a few times unsuccessfully.

"Absolutely not, you know as well as I do there's a perfectly good apartment on the top of this building. You'll stay here. I doubt you can walk to the girls' house anyway." It comes out a bit harsher than I intend, but she doesn't seem to notice, or doesn't seem to mind. Either way, there's something satisfying about bossing her around that stirs all the wrong feelings for the mood of this evening. I take the car keys from her hand and make a mental note to grab her things once she's asleep.

She takes a deep breath, inhaling with her mouth but exhaling through her nose quietly. Her heart shaped face with pronounced bronze cheeks are still dusted with light brown freckles, the familiar flecks of reddish-brown are gone from her round eyes. Her pupils suggest she's aroused, drunk, or simply afraid to be back. As her chest heaves with each breath, her shoulders roll and her long waves of chocolate and caramel hair shift slightly with the motion. There is a debate going on inside her, it's written all over her face. Then, out of nowhere, she slides past me around to the customer side of the bar stumbling on a chair a bit.

"Race ya!" She smirks and makes her way to the stairs, slowing slightly to run her fingers along the golden fleur de lis wallpaper. She makes it easy to admire her as she watches the light play off the gilded design. After a beat, she watches Pete take off towards the steps and follows him stride for stride—like this is part of their nightly routine.

Entering the apartment, I find Pete curled up on the couch in a little ball while Lily tries to get comfortable. She's wrestling with her sports bra's criss-cross straps, and as much as I'd love to see her naked this isn't how I plan to go about it. I catch the slight glimpse of a shadow along her ribs mostly covered by material as I turn away. Does she have a tattoo? I duck into my dresser and grab an oversized bar T-shirt and toss it towards her without looking closely. I refuse to lower myself to crassly taking something not actually given to me.

"You can look," she giggles, and I turn to find her wearing the shirt like a dress with her pants around her ankles. I'm convinced she's going to trip herself and start to try to guide her towards my bed. Placing one arm around her waist, I feel her warmth radiating off her skin. She slinks towards me, and offers, "I can take the couch. This is your home."

"Nah. Guests get the bed. In you go." I guide her onto the mattress like I have for our friends when too drunk to do it themselves countless times. Thankful that she's safe and laying down, I go to settle on the couch. Like most nights I close, it can take a while to unwind. Tonight, I'm not sure how I can possibly relax into sleep with Lily so close. Her lavender and chamomile scent lingers around me and it takes everything in me to avoid some really inappropriate thoughts about the woman… who just shot up like a bat out of hell from my bed and rushed by me.

"Wait! Lil, where are you going?" I'm jogging behind her down the steps, careful to close the door and keep Pete inside the apartment.

"I didn't try your beer! I wanted to hear about it, shit!" I hear a soft knocking sound, then some stumbling steps assuming she's rushed down the steps in her haze and potentially stumbled. Fearing the worst, I pick up the pace and am glad to find she's sitting at the barstool from earlier in one piece.

"You need your sleep, come on," I gently encourage her.

"No sleep. I'm fine. Great. Wonderful!" Her reply is husky, thick with sleep. She continues to whisper to herself, "fan-fucking-tastic. I'm so happy to be home, this is a brilliant idea. I'm not going to regret this." The grumbling fades into a snore, as her head drops into her hands.

I scoop her up—one arm under her knees and another behind her back. Returning into the apartment, I put her back into bed before starting to get myself ready for the night. As I'm changing from jeans into gym shorts, I hear the soft sounds of crying muffled under the comforter.

Lily has been on her own for the last decade give or take, and while her girlfriends love her dearly, her lifestyle has put her on the fringes. I knew this proposal was a big deal when she came home, but I hadn't thought how hard it would be to come back. A failed marriage was one thing. When you add in her parents' behavior, the red flags are smacking me straight in the face. I kneel next to her on the bed, close to her curled up form. Running a hand through her hair and down her back with comforting soft strokes.

Hoping to reassure her with hushed tones, I make a vow. One I wish I had the backbone for at nineteen: "No matter what, I'll make this okay. I'll catch you if you fall. I promise, Lily. We are so happy you are here. Just wait till you see the girls and Seth tomorrow. I promise. We won't let them scare you off. No more being cruel to you. Not again." When she seems to still enough, I go to slip back to the couch. Instead, she grabs my arm. Hard.

"Please stay. Just hold me. Please." She sniffles. "Nobody just holds me."

Fuck. That burned into my brain. I won't be able to forget, ever. What else is there to do but peel back the covers and join her? Wrapping my arms tightly around her middle, her head lulls against my chest.

I am holding Lily. My Lily. In my bed. I'm spinning a little as the realization that the same girl I played pirate adventures with, the one who made me actually read our assignments, is here. The young woman I crushed on through middle and high school. I've always longed to have her here. Mine. In every possible way.

Then the unhappy truth creeps into my thoughts. This is Lily who I let get her heart broken by Grant. I may have always loved her from afar in some way, but could she love me back if she knew? Can she forgive me for not stopping the wedding? I don't know if I can forgive myself.

Instead, I remind myself that I have control for this moment when she needs comfort. I can provide that here and now. I can hold her without expecting anything more. I can help her. I can protect her tonight.

Looking down at her familiar face smoothed with sleep, I'm taken by how peaceful she looks in the moonlight. While I can't see those coffee brown eyes, I know they have a fire behind them and soft vulnerability too. I'm awestruck. Every line and divot fascinates me, the feeling of her breath puffing against my chest sends shivers down my spine. A dark brown wave falls out of the ponytail she pulled her hair into, and I brush it back with a soft touch.

"I want to live in this moment forever," I whisper into the night, in return she sighs and her brow relaxes further. Her arms tighten around me, and I let myself think she is agreeing, if only for this night.