Chapter 40

forty

River

April 2nd

Lily is soft and sweet, her body relaxed into the limp comfort of post-orgasmic bliss. I hold her close as she drifts to sleep. Not today, I decide. Today isn't the right day to tell her about Grant's bachelor party.

Today is about her relaxing into being home, about convincing her that this can be her home again. Today is about the comforts we've been missing out on for the last few weeks as things became strained by distance and misunderstanding.

Maybe in a few days, that will be a better time.

April 7th

One week without a good time to tell her. Every day that we wake up together, I'm enjoying the separation of work and home more, even if the separation is just a lawn.

When closing wraps up, I grab my flashlight and am careful to not disturb the new garden boxes and beds—these little touches inspired by our time in Denver and the amazing places my beautiful little flower showed me.

Tonight I'm more overwhelmed than usual by the feelings of dumb luck and admiration, so as I climb into bed I'm forceful when pulling her close. Situated as the big spoon behind her, I place a kiss on her neck below her ear. She hums appreciatively, and Pete grumbles as he shifts to adjust to my longer legs reaching the end of the bed.

"Seeing the construction in the back as I walked home reminds me of Denver." I'm secretly planning to plant an entire flowerbed dedicated to her filled with fragrant tiger lilies and local wildflowers that draw in butterflies. Wild, free, and flying from petal to petal: just like her. There is no list of preapproved emotions. No proper quantity or size to feel them, just freedom to be.

She didn't lose or find herself, she just lived. Now I'll be able to live with her, loving her, there's no adventure better.

I know the story from Grant's bachelor party has to be shared, but not now. No, tomorrow may be better.

Tonight, I tell her that every time I walk by these garden beds I'm reminded how she has made me better. Nudging her slightly behind the ear again I whisper, "Lily, do you know what I thought as I walked back here tonight?"

Groaning, she chides me about it being 3:00 a.m., and she's teaching a class at six virtually but I press a kiss to her neck again.

"The community gardens in Denver were amazing, and now our own local sustainability is improved, this is because of you. I am better simply because you exist, darling."

As I expected, with the word darling, I see her rolling towards me. She nuzzles against my chest, breathing in deeply despite the sweat and smell of today on me and her inhale suggests it is her favorite cologne. Pressing a soft kiss to my lips she sighs and says, "Well, I can't resist when you call me darling, but I do need sleep so hold me for now, and we'll pick this up after my class ends tomorrow. Later today," on a yawn she continues, "whatever." She softly begins to snore against me.

Yes, tomorrow will be a better day.

April 14th

Today will be the day. I am pumping myself up that I cannot let this go on much longer. Just a few days left before the girls have the shower, two weeks until the Atlantic City trip and six-weeks until the wedding, I can't keep this to myself. I owe her this much.

First, I have a few other things to do, though, so I'm going to start today well. That way I'm really ready when we talk. I quietly slip downstairs to see the amazing work that's been completed already on her living wall. The raw beam shelves filled with plants brighten up the midnight blue and make the space feel like the perfect place for Lily to work.

I've watched from the steps as she records classes, talks to potential clients, and edits on the overstuffed couch she chose. The ability to give her this causes pride to swell in my chest. There's no greater joy than this. I grab my boots at the bottom step, toss them on, and make my way to the garden beds to check on the progress.

Later today , I think. Later is good.

April 20th

"I had Delia clear your schedule." Lily doesn't have to work hard in convincing me that today is a holiday, winking and nudging me. She instructs me to sleep in before pulling the curtains tighter and telling Pete to take over as little spoon. He agrees once I scratch between his ears. When I wake up again, she is full of barely contained energy, buzzing to share.

"First rule: you can't do anything today." She's interrupted by a yip from Pete. "Well," dragging out that final L in a bit of a playful tone, " we do have to make sure to take good care of Pete, so a short walk. Beyond that, our plans for today are these two joints I snagged, too much take out, snacks, and movies, starting with Down to You. "

I was following for a bit but now I'm the confused one. " Down to You ?"

Her animated behavior tells me the plan to get her comfortable is working.

Popping up like bread in the toaster, she's engaging. Wearing my oversized navy Featherweight shirt—the one I lent her the first time she shared my bed—and a pair of cotton panties, she's the epitome of at home. Her hair is messy and chaotic around her shoulders and she's shaking with excitement describing her all time favorite ‘90s rom-com that ‘ not enough people love .'

"So," she squeals, "it's a movie about falling in love during college. You have Imogene and Al, they call having sex cake and buy these crappy bodega cakes when they plan to hook up, which is cute enough."

She's so amped I am pretty sure she's a decibel away from yelling at me, but she's so happy I cannot help but soak it in.

"There's also Ashton Kutcher playing some guy who calls himself Jim Moorrison, like from the ‘70s band, but also he's so committed to the bit and people aren't sure if he's really him or not, but I think the real Jim Moorrison was already dead." She whips out her phone to check.

I finally ask, "And this has to do with today how?"

"Oh right!" She actually yells this time. "So, anyhow, Imogene and her roommate—Rosario freaking Dawson—wear bathing caps, like for swimming, because it is supposed to hold the smoke in!"

Now she's giggling up a storm, and I can't help but smile in return. Tackling her as she writhes, I start to kiss her when Pete reminds us that he slept in the room with us and he'd really like to go pee.

It takes all my willpower not to kick him out but we get dressed and head to the kitchen where I put up a pot of coffee and pull her ADHD medicines out to leave by the mug to make sure she remembers. Since we've been staying together, I've started to take these little moments to prevent her from being last on her own list. I've watched as she zeroes in on her work, her maid of honor duties, and the random things which pop up to distract her .

I see the girl whose independence was borne out of necessity soften a bit more each day, causing a new sense of purpose and fulfillment for me. We've all rallied to show her our love is without condition. Love. I won't repeat the phrase again until she says it.

This new focus helps me to back off from my parents a bit, too. Frankly, the smiles and gratitude are a hell of a lot nicer than helping my surly father.

Eyeing the pantry door, left ajar, she went out of her way with her plans. There are snacks haphazardly falling out of the cabinet. The pantry, which on her suggestion are these beautiful earthy greens that highlight the natural wood colors, really enhance the ambiance. Gold light fixtures pair nicely with the knobs and pulls. Every inch of this space feels like a home. Our home.

God, I hope she sees her vision and chooses to stay. I hope she chooses me, because I'd pick her every damn day if she asked me to.

Pete's tail and haunches nudge me with the booty bump his breed is prone to do as he demands scratches. Grabbing the coffee mug and downing her medicine for the day, Lily turns and smiles at me and I think tomorrow will be a better day to tell her. Today is a day for Lily, a pseudo holiday to be silly and carefree, this is not the day for old secrets.

So we walk Pete together along the river before giving him his chewy treat and head back upstairs leaving him in the crate-slash-end table she had custom made for him.