Chapter 35

thirty-five

Lily

While driving River back to the airport in Denver, with no clue what will happen when it comes to the town meeting about me hanging heavy in the air, his phone rings. I see on the screen it says Delia and pick up excitedly, "Hello Deedee! I'm about to drop your boss for his flight, so you have both of us here."

There's a short pause. "Hi there. I have good news for us. River. While you've been on vacation, River, Ava Marie relented that we're ‘equally compromised' and discussed the town meeting dates with me." Delia hits the notes of his name harder each time she says it. "She still doesn't want Lily to know about any decisions before her arrival, to not spook her… but at least they've agreed anything they try to enact will still match the original timelines and match up with some sort of festival so it'll be like when we used to dress as soldiers on the Fourth of July or whatever." She scoffs on the last bit.

"So since I am calling you, River," she dryly but emphatically says, "I wanted you to know not even the most biased of the crowd could argue."

There is a weird lull before she adds, "But there's one other thing, it's being pushed out to late spring, which is good because you mentioned Lily might be willing to help you? And this week clearly shows that the guys I've been training are on top of things and well I got into a huge makeup program for bridal. It's twelve weeks long, but it's the best in the world. I didn't think I could get in."

A large breath is heard through the speakers before Delia's usual brash confidence returns, "So, Lily, gotta lean on you girl. Please don't flake."

I think a squeak escapes my lips, I don't know what that sound was. Fear? Hesitation? That I forgot about all of this?

On a soft whisper, Delia breathes out and says, "Oh shit, River, you told her about the stuff with Ava like you planned to, right?"

"I did, don't worry. I got this from here, we'll talk tonight, Deals." River disconnects the phone call for me. Shaking, I pull the car into a parking lot and look at River bewildered. My eyes are wide as saucers, while my thoughts begin to spin out of control. I can feel my lungs getting progressively smaller, like it's going to be a chore just to breathe. My mouth goes dry, and I can't decide if I want to scream, run away, leave River on the side of the road in this parking lot, or disappear into thin air.

Gingerly, River puts a hand over mine and asks me to look at him. I continue to stare straight ahead at the windshield, realizing I can't truly see anything as my vision continues to cloud. I deflate over the steering wheel. After this wonderful time together, I was already struck by the insecurity that this was all I was going to have with him.

The frustration from those early days after Grant, the loneliness, the sense of betrayal by the people I thought I loved most. The people I thought loved me in return. Every bit of those feelings come flooding back into my veins.

As my chin quivers and my body becomes colder I feel the surge of those conflicting feelings. A longing to feel loved and protected, a desperation to believe in my own worthiness of that love and protection.

I've long resigned myself to a lifetime of temporary attachments, but I had genuinely considered moving home. I had hoped everyone could move on if I could, but maybe they couldn't. River leans his arm across the center console of the car, despite being littered with half-empty water bottles, chapsticks, and random receipts, to make sure he can rub soft circles across my back. I float between leaning into the soothing touch and wanting to be as far from him as possible, until my nerves feel like they've been lit on fire. I shriek to stop and his hand jerks away, floating in midair.

My vision slowly becomes crisper, I look at his stupidly pretty face. Cataloging the soft stubble that stretched towards a full beard over the course of our days together, the jade-and-aqua irises fill with their own tears as they bore into me, and his skin loses color quickly.

"You've known? YOU HAVE KNOWN?" The questions violently rip from my vocal chords and his tears creep closer. Red rims grow, surrounding his eyes as slow, steady, quiet tears fall.

River simply whispers, "I'm sorry, but you knew. You remember my call…" He withdraws into himself, and I stare again, stuck in my inability to know what to do. I don't know where to go, and suddenly I process what he said. I knew. He told me before he came here.

But it felt fake. One awkward conversation I shoved into the back of my mind, set aside, so far down and ignored.

All the magic is gone now. Reality crashed in and is catching back up to us. The bubble we'd created to protect us popped.