Chapter 32

thirty-two

Lily

December 27th

I hope to sneak out of bed, brush my teeth, and slip back in. Looking in the mirror, I see that's not an option as his large form steps behind me at the tiny pedestal sink. He's holding my hip lightly with one hand while reaching for his toothbrush with the other. I mindlessly list back into his chest, my boyshorts pushing against his boxers. It doesn't take long for things to heat up between us again, and we find ourselves making every excuse to touch and kiss throughout our shower together. We spend the rest of the morning like this, teasing, touching, whispering, and bringing the other to the edge of climax and over the cliff again. This continues until our stomachs are rumbling with hunger that causes epic giggles like we are grade schoolers again.

"Okay, let me feed you."

He gives me a wicked grin and taunts, "I've ate a few times already, but hop on up," while pointing to his face.

Shaking my head I walk away to get dressed, calling over my shoulder, "It's been almost a full day since you got here. We're going to a place that serves the best breakfast before the brewery tour later. Can't drink on an empty stomach, bartender." Reluctantly, he follows my lead.

We sit down and I order the most decadent, dessert-like, strawberry shortcake biscuit stack and cups of coffee. Earlier in the shower, before we fooled around, there were more serious questions that were asked. He's clearly not going to let them go, and my way of pushing the subject off won't work here. River takes a large forkful of whipped cream, strawberries, and biscuit together while waiting for me to answer.

"What do I do for fun?" I repeat to buy time as I rack my brain, trying to come up with what to say. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, it is just that only he would see that just because it seems fun, it may not be. I am always on the move towards the next adventure. I meet amazing people, see places beyond my wildest dreams, and spend time with nature's most astounding treasures. I build temporary connections, to people and places, and then I move on before anywhere can get too familiar. The longer I wait to reply, the more likely he is to dig, and it takes just one question to shake me.

My fork clatters to the plate as I process his words. "Do you ever want to stay put in one place?"

River has to know without it being said that this isn't as fun as it used to be. I'm dumbfounded, I try to play off the fork drop as intentional by picking up the coffee. Taking a deep sip, I continue to stall. Before I can figure out what to say, River jumps in to fill the awkward silence I've created.

"It's just, as awed as I am by your career, sometimes," he hesitates. "Sometimes, I feel like this is all because we didn't do enough to protect you. That you've had to be a hustler, on your own, and it's our fault." He glances down and contemplates. "It's okay if you disagree, maybe this is exactly where you were meant to be and I'm completely off base. Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have asked that. It's just, the last few years with my family weren't easy and I have some help or people who try to help because Jonathan Hendrix is a staple of the town. I just feel guilty that we were so distant when you may have needed us. "

I realize there's enough here to deflect the conversation away from me if I focus on the responsibilities he has at home.

"Darling, what makes you ask this? Is this because you want to stay on vacation forever? Or is this because you want your brothers to do more?" My hand reaches across the table for his and I trace circles on the topside. He peers over his mug, the emerald color of his T-shirt making his eyes more green than blue today.

There's a smirk and his eyebrows twitch ever so slightly. "Well, yes to both. The last twenty-four hours have been some of the best in a long time, but also it's because I let Robert," he rolls his eyes at the formal name, "pay for a few extra days of Gary helping care for Dad so Mom wasn't on her own. He really thinks his money is a replacement for showing up. I don't know how to explain that it's nice but it's not all there is. Sometimes, it would be nice to feel like I had a partner in things. I mean, yes, Scout does a lot when he's on break. I just don't want to pressure him. Peacock Springs is not for everyone." He smirks, knowing that I'm cornered.

Giving a dramatic sigh I wave my napkin in the air. "I surrender, fine. Yes, being there in September was weird. It shook apart my belief that I had healed enough, that I moved on. You know this. We talked about when I saw my mom, but I also saw Grant. On the train after that terrible interview, it was a clusterfuck. Do you know Pru Cleary was somehow there too? I just assumed since she was writing notes that everyone heard I was…"

He cuts me off. "What? Incredible? That you told him that he's never apologized, and that his lack of remorse isn't your issue anymore? I heard. I was impressed. I wish I had seen it, I wish I had done something about it sooner."

"Okay, but I'm also the arsonist who they want to still put in the stocks? So, anyway, my therapist seems to be encouraging me to try it out. Come for the spring and stay, like you offered me. I just have to be sure, for myself, that I can really survive being so close by. To butcher a quote from Gilmore Girls , ‘ look, we live in a teeny tiny little hamlet here, it makes avoiding people tough and uncomfortable .' Being there means I have to not panic or stop being me if those ghosts are near me again. "

Gently, River reaches his other hand across the table with a slow steady motion and encloses my one hand in both of his. Guiding me to flip my hand over, he begins to trace the underside of my ring finger towards my palm and follows the lines there.

"Alright, that's a lot of vulnerability." He takes my hand into his, interlacing our fingers and giving me a soft kiss on the knuckles. "Yes, that makes sense. When we were kids, you were quiet and strict with rules, but that was not for you was it?"

He looks at me like he's solving a puzzle. "Delia likes to clean with podcasts on and Nessa runs a teen girls group in the building, I hear things. You promise to keep what I learned between us?"

His glance is conspiratorial, like we're about to cause trouble, but instead he says, "They have been on a kick discussing nice girl syndrome and good girl complex , it's all about people-pleasing and boundary setting. I'm convinced that Delia's goal was to passive aggressively kick me off the property until she handed me a literal plane ticket. I think she was saying it about me, but it fits for you too. Not setting boundaries, working overtime to be perfect, to be who someone else wanted you to be. Lily, that shouldn't have been asked of you. You didn't need to be perfect, neat, quiet, or pretty to be loved. Not then. Not now. Not ever."

His fingers squeeze tighter around mine and his eyes turn stormy, darkening in color, gaze narrowing. The set of his jaw is hard, he looks more like a man than I ever noticed before. He's strong, solid, and yet he's controlling his emotions.

"You only deserve to be given good things. Fuck. Them. Okay? Grant. Belinda. Neal's cowardice with her. All of them. They don't deserve your time and energy. They don't deserve your pain and tears anymore. They sure as shit don't deserve to force you away from," he hesitates before choosing his words carefully. "From your girls who are like sisters," he concludes.

Okay, he left himself off the list. This week we agreed to scratch an itch, to get the mutual attraction out of our systems. It's no big deal, just push back any hope he was making a grand declaration and say thank you. You already learned long ago, if someone wants to keep you, they will try. After you, he'll find a real partner and settle down. She'll have less baggage and won't be an issue for his future success.

"Thank you for saying that." My voice is barely a whisper.