21. Sophie

21

SOPHIE

“You’re like a good luck charm!” Teagan says, laughing and hugging those of us in the owners’ box at the fourth wild card game. The Devil Birds won it, tying the series and forcing a game five in New York to decide who advances to the first round of the Dickinson Cup playoffs. Trevor broke his slump and scored hat tricks in both games, a first-time accomplishment in the PHL. He’s earned a place in the league’s history. No one can claim he doesn’t deserve his spot on the team now.

Laughing, I return her hug. “It’s all Trevor. He’s been working so hard. I’m thrilled for him and for the team!”

We’re a joyous group as we make our way down to the locker room area. I can’t wait to see Trevor and congratulate him. I know they have one more game to play in this round, but it really feels like they have momentum on their side. Players are being interviewed in the hallway, so we watch. Trevor’s talking to someone from the national broadcast.

“Great game, Trevor. Hat tricks in back-to-back games. That’s extremely rare. What do you attribute this sudden scoring burst to?” the extremely perky redhead asks as she thrusts her microphone in his face.

“Thanks, Hayley. Everything is coming together at just the right time. We’re a cohesive team. The hat tricks may be attributed to me, but they wouldn’t have happened without my teammates.” He sees me standing down the hallway and gives me a wink. Miranda gives a happy squeak and squeezes my arm. She loves that two of her best friends are in love with each other. Honestly, she’s in love with love. She wants everyone to pair up and be as happy as she is with Declan.

“Back to New York for game five Thursday night. Shame you won’t compete in the finals for Celebrity Dance Dare . You were favored to win.” Hayley’s statement rips a gasp from me. I didn’t realize game five was scheduled on the same night as the finale. Judging from Trevor’s stunned expression, he didn’t either.

“I wasn’t aware of the schedule. Is that official?” He’s looking around for someone, but I don’t know who. He’s not looking at me, which is good. I’m able to slip away from the group before the tears fall. We’ve spent the past few days perfecting a beautiful routine to “500 Miles” no one will ever see.

Daphne slips her arm through mine. “Let’s go to my office. It’s right down the hall.”

I gratefully accept the bottle of water and box of tissues she offers.

“I’m going back because there’s stuff I need to deal with. I’ll let Trevor know you’re here, okay?” I nod as she slips out the door.

The click of the door closing is like a switch, turning on the tears. I was so close to doing it. I was going to prove I belonged as a pro. That I was as good as Ian and didn’t need my spot as a favor. I deserved it because I was the best. Now I’ll be an asterisk on the show’s Wikipedia page as a finalist who didn’t compete. I’ll still be Ian’s sister, not a Platinum Paw winner. There’s no question Trevor’s going to choose to play in game five instead of dancing. That’s what he should do. He’s worked so hard to get here, and his team needs him. I want him to have this.

I’m not sure how long I sit there, trying to control myself, when Miranda pokes her head in.

“Hey, Soph. Can you come with me?” she asks.

“Yeah.” I shove some tissues in the pocket of the hoodie I’m wearing with Trevor’s name and number on the back.

We take the elevator to the floor where the administrative offices are. There’s carpeting instead of cement floors, and it doesn’t smell of sweaty hockey gear. She raps on the door with Jake Whitman’s name on it. He’s the general manager and third co-owner of the Devil Birds. I don’t know him as well as I’ve gotten to know Teagan and Liam, the rest of the team’s ownership. Trevor opens the door, grabs my hand, and pulls me into a hug.

“Sophie, I’m so sorry. We’re trying to work this out.” He’s murmuring next to my ear and holding me tightly. I think it’s to comfort me, but maybe he needs comfort too.

His team T-shirt is soft as I wrap my arms around his back. It’s slightly damp, like he threw it on the moment he got out of the shower and rushed to be here.

“It’s okay,” I whisper.

Jake is pacing behind his desk, talking into his phone to I don’t know who. “You make us put a player on the reality TV show. He does a great job and brings lots of attention to the PHL. And you’re going to punish him and his partner for their success by making him choose between being there for his team or fulfilling his obligation to his partner and the show you made him do ? What the fuck is this? Adjust the damn schedule. Make game five a day later.”

“We can’t do that!” The voice on the other end of the call is so loud, I hear him like he’s standing in the room with us. “That’s not how it’s done!”

“That’s Barry Wagerman,” Trevor whispers in my ear. “Interim league commissioner.”

“Bullshit!” Jake yells. “It’s the first year of playoffs. You can do whatever you want. Tickets haven’t even gone on sale yet! Unless there’s a reason you want to hinder our chances of advancing to the next round. I’ve spoken to New York’s manager, and they have no objection to playing the next day. They’d love an extra break day. You can ask them yourself.” Jake shoves his fingers through his dark hair and then tugs it in frustration. “The whole point of having Carter on the show was to get people watching our games. It’s idiotic to make the new fans we’ve gained from Celebrity Dance Dare choose between watching the game or the finale. If you make them choose, they aren’t choosing the game.”

“We can’t move the game,” Wagerman says. “Our broadcast partners want the game on Thursday, and we have to honor their wishes.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Teagan bursts into the room and walks over to Jake’s side. “It’s the end of February. There could be a blizzard causing the game to be postponed and the schedule would be adjusted. That just happened in Buffalo! Games that have been scheduled for months get postponed and moved. Certainly a game that just became a necessity and doesn’t have tickets sold for it yet can be moved a day in either direction.”

“Ms. Penhall, my hands are tied. The game’s on Thursday evening. Your player is either on the ice or not. That’s a team matter, not a league matter. Discussion closed.” Wagerman disconnects the call.

Teagan pulls out her phone and types quickly.

Jake reads over her shoulder and snorts. “Teag, you can’t ask your parents to buy a television network just because you’re pissed off. It may not even be the network’s issue. This could be Wagerman trying to wave his tiny dick around.”

Jake flushes and apologizes when he realizes what he said in mixed company. Like I care. I’ve heard worse. Hell, I’ve said worse.

“Sophie,” Jake says, “we’re reaching out to CDD production to see what our options are. Maybe you guys can be judged on a recorded performance, or they can be flexible with the broadcast?”

“Maybe.” But I know the answer is going to be no. I’m just not ready to admit it out loud. “I’m going to New York tomorrow to rehearse for the finals. I have group dances to learn. No matter what happens with the hockey game, I’m contractually obligated to be at the finale.”

“We’re going to work this out, Soph,” Trevor tells me. I can see the sincerity shining in his eyes and love him for it. But it won’t work out. It never works out. I’ve accepted it.

I grab a fistful of his T-shirt so I can pull his lips down to mine and give him a too-quick kiss. “It’s okay. Follow what the league says.” I lower my voice. “This is your dream. Go along with what they say, don’t make waves. This is your career, and it’s impacting the entire team. It’s not worth making a ruckus.”

Trevor growls in frustration. “Sophie, your career matters too!”

Mindful of the others in the room, I murmur, “Let’s talk about this at home.”

Home. We’ve made that little pool house our home without realizing it. No matter what else is happening, that’s our safe haven. He nods.

“Do you need us for anything, Jake?” Trevor asks.

“No, we’re okay. Sophie, I promise we’re going to do everything we can to work this out. It’s not right for you to be impacted by the league’s stupidity.” Jake sighs and shakes his head. “You’ve both worked so hard and deserve to be rewarded for it. I’m sorry. If I knew this was a possibility, I’d have told the league to shove doing the show up their ass.”

He’s such a nice man. “Thanks, Jake. It’s okay. It’s just a dance. The show will go on, regardless.”

That’s what I tell myself. It’s just a dance. One dance. I’ve proven what I can do all season long. I’m either good enough or not. And if I’m not? Well, I’ll have to accept that. Even if I knew this was how this was going to end, I wouldn’t have traded this opportunity to dance with Trevor and fall in love with him. I wish I could cast a spell that would make Trevor being in two places at once possible. Unfortunately, not even Teagan is a powerful enough witch to make that happen.

We’re quiet on the drive home. I’m not mad at Trevor. I’m not mad at anyone. There’s no point. In the pool house, I run an Epsom salt bath for Trevor to soak in. It was a very physical game, and Trevor was involved in some massive hits—giving and receiving—and it’ll help relieve the aches and pains. I climb in with him because it soothes my ankle, and being near him soothes my heart.

Now that we don’t have a deadline on our relationship, the desperation to make love—because that’s what we’ve been doing—isn’t as strong. We still want each other, of course, but we know we have time. It’s not now or never.

Later, I’m the little spoon to Trevor’s big spoon in our bed.

“Trevor, it’s okay,” I say into the darkness. I know this is weighing heavily on him, and I hate that. He should revel in being the team hero these past two games. He should be looking forward to winning this series and then rolling through the Dickinson Cup playoffs. They can win the whole thing. Trevor deserves this. He didn’t ask to do Celebrity Dance Dare . He was told he had to do it and was a good enough sport to go along with it and try his best. He doesn’t owe me or the show anything.

* * *

Trevor drives me to the airport in the early morning. I’m traveling to New York with Jake, who’s on a mission to make this work out so Trevor can do both events. Trevor will ride with the team on the bus later this morning. We’re in separate hotels tonight, but tomorrow night we’ll be together again. It’ll be weird to not sleep in his arms, but I’ll have to get used to it. We each have busy lives with lots of travel. I spend our flight with my head resting against the helicopter window, listening to Jake type away on his laptop. The rhythm makes me think of tap dancing, and an idea for a routine develops.

It’s weird to be at the dance studio without Trevor at my side. The wardrobe folks insist on having final dance outfits ready for me and Trevor because “miracles happen.” I don’t know what fantasyland they live in, but in my world, there’s no point hoping for miracles because there’s only disappointment when you don’t get them. Being around the crew of the show as just a dancer in the troupe is strangely comforting. I don’t need to worry about Trevor being okay, not letting nerves get to him. This is what I love about the show. The buzz backstage, talking to the other dancers, not having my attention divided. Of course, I loved dancing with Trevor, but I think it’s mainly because it was with Trevor.

“Hey, twinster,” Ian says, joining me in the wardrobe room. “Are you okay?”

Shrugging, I sigh. There’s no point in saying anything. Ian knows what I’m thinking.

“You guys have a dance, right? It’s all choreographed?”

“Of course. Oh, Ian, it’s beautiful. Do you wanna see?”

At his nod, I grab my phone and scroll to the video we shot. It’s not a perfect recording, but good enough. The song ends, and Ian just stares at the screen.

“Wow,” my brother says. “That’s the best thing you’ve ever choreographed. It’s beautiful. It needs to be seen.”

Shrugging, I put my phone away. “We’ll see what happens. It’s enough that it exists.”

“Bullshit!” He stomps away, only to turn around and stalk back to me. “And stop being so Zen. It’s creepy.”

I huff out a laugh. Being creepy is the least of my issues.

Ian fists his hands on his hips. “You’re dancing that dance on the finale. If Trevor isn’t here, I’ll dance it with you. They’ll be short a number and have already cleared the music, so the producers won’t have a problem.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders. “The two of you are wonderful together.”

“Yeah, he’s an excellent dancer.”

He chuckles. “I don’t mean as a dance team. I mean, as a couple, you’re right for each other. I’m glad you found that.”

“How do you know? You only see us one day a week.”

“I talk to Declan. By the way, we need to start the betting pools on when he and Miranda get engaged, when the wedding will be, and how long before we have a little niece or nephew.”

“Declan likes us together?” He never said he didn’t, but I didn’t know if that was approval or minding his own business.

“Very much. He respects Trevor and appreciates how he treats you.”

Tears fill my eyes. I like that my brothers approve. I lean forward and wrap Ian in a fierce hug.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Ian,” I whisper past my tight throat. I can’t imagine having to go through today alone.

He hugs me back, presses a kiss to my hair. “Even though I’m horning in on your show? I’m sorry, Sophie. I didn’t think about how you’d feel with me showing up. This was your chance to be in the spotlight, and I think I hogged some of it. I’m a selfish clod sometimes. I didn’t think about how advancing my career was going to make yours harder.”

I pull back, nodding. We need to have this conversation. This probably isn’t the best day to have it, but I may as well shove all the suckiness together rather than letting it ruin multiple days.

“I love you, Ian. I’m so proud of you. But for once, I wanted to be the Mackenzie in the spotlight. Everyone knows the only reason I have my spot on the show is because you and Ma required it.”

“What?” Ian’s brow is furrowed. He looks truly puzzled.

“Your contract included a clause that I’d be included in the troupe for the UK show and given a spot in this show.”

Ian shakes his head slowly. “No, it doesn’t. Neither does Ma’s. Neither one of us has that kind of influence. Who told you that?”

“Nancy. And other people have whispered that I only have this shot because of you both.”

He somehow manages to snort elegantly. If I tried that I’d sound like an asthmatic alpaca.

“Never, ever listen to anything that bitch says. She’s a bitter, petty woman. Of course being related to us helped you get noticed, but that’s because we were dance partners for years. They saw you when they were watching my tapes. It got my other former partners noticed too. None of them made the show because they aren’t as good as you. The only thing they had going for them was being half a foot taller than you. I used to pray every night you’d have a growth spurt so we could keep dancing together. Told you I was selfish.”

He reaches out and presses against my chin to close my mouth. I didn’t realize it had fallen open in shock.

“So you had nothing to do with me being on the show?” Could this be true? Could I have gotten this on my own merits?

“It’s true. I had nothing to do with you getting a spot. Other than being an excellent partner when we were younger. You got yourself here, crumpet. Why do you listen to idiots? You know how catty dancers are.”

I listen to idiots because they confirm what I believe about myself. I’m not ready to admit that out loud yet. Ian’s knowing gaze tells me I don’t have to. He can see the truth. Having a twin who knows me so well is a blessing and a curse.

I pull him in for another hug and kiss him on the cheek. “I’m so glad you’re here, Ian. Seriously. You’re wonderful as a host, and if I can’t dance with Trevor, there’s no one else I’d rather dance with. Thank you.”

He gives my ponytail a light tug. “Stop being so sappy, Soph. It’s almost as creepy as you being Zen. Let’s go remind everyone what a great team we make.”

The day is a blur of learning and rehearsing the group dances for the finale. While the other two teams rehearse their final dances, I teach Ian ours. He learns all the steps quickly and is technically perfect, but I know the dance is missing the magic that occurs when it’s me and Trevor performing. The league wouldn’t relent on rescheduling the game, so Trevor and I aren’t competing for the Platinum Paw. Ian and I will dance it as an exhibition dance instead.

Ma swings by and is given the star treatment by the producers in deference to her role as a judge on the main UK show. And because she’s wonderful. She’s not interested in all that though. Today she just wants to be my mum, and I love her for it. For the first time since the debacle with Doreen, I have a cup of tea. I’m only drinking it because it’s my mother’s special blend, and it has always calmed me down. We’re settled on a settee in the green room, which is deserted for once. It’s wonderful to be my mother’s focus. It’s been too long since it’s been just the two of us.

“Sophie girl, I am so proud of you,” Ma says in her soothing Irish lilt. “You’ve worked so hard and come so far. And to see you with Trevor, ach, it does my heart good. All I want is to see my children happy, to see them find the love they deserve. I wish you much happiness together. Like what I have with your father.”

I need to tell her the truth, but I’m afraid. Now that I have her approval, I don’t want to lose it. But I’m tired of hiding a part of myself.

“Ma, I don’t want what you and Da have. I don’t want to be tied down with kids. I don’t want to give up dancing. I love Trevor, but I don’t know that I want to marry him. Or if he’d want to marry me. He doesn’t want kids either. You had to give up dancing when you had us, and Da’s horses and races always came first. I’m selfish. I want to put myself first.”

The hurt in her blue eyes kills me. I love my mother. Even though her choices aren’t what I want for myself, I don’t want to belittle her for making them. She loves us, and I’m grateful to have her as my mother.

“Is that what you think?” Ma asks.

Swallowing hard, I nod.

Tears gather in Ma’s eyes as she takes my hand. “Oh, Sophie, I’m sorry. I failed you.”

My shocked gasp seems to echo off the walls and slam back into me. That was not what I was expecting.

“I never wanted it to seem like I gave up anything to raise you and your brothers. I didn’t. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn’t plan to have so many of you so quickly”—she grins and shrugs— “but it is what it is. I’d always wanted to have a family. But that’s what was right for me. You don’t have to want the same thing.”

“But you had to stop dancing. I know you love it.”

Ma shakes her head. “I never gave up dancing. I gave up competing. Two different things. I never enjoyed competing, but it’s what you endure to be able to dance ballroom at the level I wanted. By the time I married your father, I’d accomplished what I wanted in the professional ballroom world. I’d won the championships, done the travel. I was ready for a new adventure. You and your brothers were certainly that!”

We both laugh.

“But I always kept dancing,” she says. “I’d dance with you in my arms while you were infants. Your father’s thing was to sing to you, mine was to dance. I taught you and your brothers to dance. Your father and I would dance. I dance amongst the flowers in my garden. I’m never going to stop dancing. What I gave up was the hours of practicing. The weeks of travel. The strict dieting. You’re blessed with a shifter metabolism, so staying trim and strong is easy for you. For those of us who are all human, even with my powers as a witch, it’s a struggle. I had to exercise strenuously and be mindful of every calorie to stay in the shape required to dance competitively at the highest levels. No way could I enjoy the delicious treats Siobhan made. No tea parties with you and Miranda. Competing wasn’t worth the sacrifice. If I’d wanted to keep competing, your father would have supported me wholeheartedly, just as he does with the show. All he’s ever done is love and support me.”

A tear slips down my cheek as I nod. I didn’t know any of this.

“You were all babies, so you have no way of knowing, but Seamus was a difficult pregnancy. To have more children would’ve been dangerous for me. We wanted a large family, but two sets of twins back-to-back, and then to be surprised with Seamus… My body never had a chance to recover. Your father went and got the snip to protect me. You know men, and you know wolf shifters. They’re a virile lot, and their manhood is everything. But your father went and did that for me, for us, without a second thought. I didn’t even ask him, he did it. So, aye, let him have his horses and his races, they make him happy. But I know his heart lies with me and our family.”

“I…I never knew any of this,” I stammer. “All I saw was you sacrificing. I know I’m too selfish to do that.”

“Sophie, you are not selfish. It’s okay to not want to be a wife and mother. I know the wolves are an old-fashioned lot, but we live in the modern world. Women, even women who are wolf shifters, are entitled to live the lives they want. Whether that’s focusing on a career, or focusing around hearth and home, or melding both. You can be whoever you want and do what is best for you. I’m going to love and support you no matter what. I am so proud of you. Whether you dance or change diapers or dig for dinosaur bones, whatever you want to do, I want for you. Your job is to live the life that pleases you, not what you think pleases me. I made my choices. You get to make yours.”

I don’t know if this counts as a conversation since I barely said anything, but it’s the conversation I needed to have. The sobs come unexpectedly as Ma pulls me into her embrace. I’m shedding tears of relief at admitting the truth of how I feel, sorrow for the years I spent resenting the choices my mother made and the expectations I felt they placed on me, and also tears of joy knowing I’m accepted for who I am. I don’t have to fit into a mold to be loved. Part of me wishes I’d done this sooner, but I know now is when I needed to hear it the most.

My mom got to live her dreams. So did Dad. And that really fills me with joy.

But the next second, it comes crashing down because from where I’m sitting, neither Trevor nor I get to live ours.