4: DANICA

"You need this time to get yourself together, Dani," Jade says sternly through her clenched teeth as we pull off the highway.

"I can get myself together without doing it the way that you believe I need to do it."

"Listen, honey, if you really want to show the network that you're serious about this, trust me. I will never steer you wrong. I've had several clients with issues that needed to get help and—"

"I don't have an issue, Jade."

Jade swerves the car hard to the right, causing me to tilt sideways and bump my head against the window.

"Damn, Jade," I complain, rubbing my head.

She pulls off the road and steers into a small office park that is empty because of the weekend.

Unbuckling her seatbelt, she pops the locks on the door and gets out. I watch as she paces madly back and forth in front of the car, with one hand on her hip and the other pointing in every direction.

She looks like a mad woman, and after a couple of minutes of this, I get out of the car.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I ask.

"You!" she says, widening her eyes and jabbing a finger in my direction.

"Me? What did I do?"

She laughs, shakes her head, and rolls her eyes. Crossing her arms over her chest, she walks close to me.

"I don't believe you. You're living the dream life that so many young ladies aspire to. You've had a stellar modeling career, had a few acting gigs, and sponsors out the wazoo. Now, you have your own daytime talk show, a beautiful home here in the Carolinas and another in L.A., and yet, you're throwing it all away."

"How am I throwing it all away?"

"Your ass passed out on national TV! If that wasn't bad enough, you go to California to claim an award that you worked your ass off for, and you overdose, Dani!"

"Fucking Andre shouldn't have called you!"

"It's a great thing that he did. And thankfully, I came to the awards show although you didn't want me to. Thank God, I had the presence of mind to leave and head back to the hotel the moment that I saw you leaving. If I had still been on the East Coast and not available, there's no telling the PR nightmare I would have had to clean up. I worked my ass off keeping that shit under wraps and away from the networks. No one at the hotel knew except for the manager and our special friend, Dr. James!"

"I was going to be okay, Jade! You guys are making this a bigger problem than it should be! I was just celebrating and having a little fun. Andre knew that. It's not like we haven't done this a million times or more."

Jade looks at me and shakes her head sadly.

"What?" I ask.

"You refuse to admit you have a freaking addiction, Dani! You refuse to acknowledge that you've become addicted to those pain pills that were temporary to address the back pain that you had after your skiing incident."

"I still suffer from back pain, Jade!"

"That injury was two years ago, Dani. You don't suffer from pain that causes you to take those pills daily! I watch you. I see how you move, and there isn't any evidence of the stiffness, the immobility, or the debilitating pain that you went through back then."

"That's because of the pills!"

"No, that's because of the initial treatment and the physical therapy. This little thing that you have going with Mel and Dr. Mike is going to land your ass broke in an asylum as a washed-up has-been with no family or friends around you."

"You think that I need anyone, Jade?"

"Hell yeah, I do! When I picked you up from the hospital, your hands were shaking, your eyes were glazed over, and you could barely function properly. When I saw you again at the hotel ready for the awards show, your eyes were bright and glassy, and I knew that you were high. I've had you locked away at my house for three days with none of those medicines, no alcohol, and no drugs. Look at you now, scratching your arms and shit like you're a crack addict."

"Screw you, Jade!" I say, storming back to her car.

She grabs my arm and spins me around.

"No, ma'am! Aside from being your agent, I am also your friend. Your best and only friend! I care about you, and I love you. I take shit from you, Dani, because I love you not because I'm worried that you might fire me. I have other clients."

"Not on the level I am!"

She shakes her head sadly and says, "You're right. They're superstars who are and have passed you up. They appreciate the opportunities that I bring their way, and they aren't throwing them down the drain. I've watched you push your parents away, your brother away, and the only man who ever truly loved you away. I have watched you crap on the people who love you most, and I have stood by and made excuses for your bad behavior. No more!"

"So, what are you saying, Jade?"

"Dani, I can't keep you at my house. I'm no doctor, and I know that you shouldn't stop the hydrocodone cold turkey. You either get with the program and let me check you into this hospital, or you can kiss your career, your family, and me goodbye."

Narrowing my eyes as my heart speeds up, I turn from her, rubbing my forehead. My head is banging, and my mouth is dry. I just need a little medicine to help me feel better.

"You would do that to me, Jade?"

"I would so do that to you."

"What kind of friend are you?"

"One who loves you and cares about you. The only one that you have. The rest of those so-called friends you made in the industry walked out on you when you quit partying with them and doing favors for them, and the rest walked out when you started having a bad reputation. They didn't want their names tainted alongside yours.

"My husband has begged me to let you go because he sees what you're doing to our friendship. He sees the heartache and pain that I suffer after being around you for half an hour, but I haven't listened to him. My mom has told me that you're not the same person, and I'm wasting my time on an empty shell, but I don't listen to her.

"Despite all the people who love me and say that I need to run, I'm still standing here, extending a hand to you to help you. But I can't do it for you, Dani. You have to want it yourself. Now, this is the last time that I am reaching a hand out to you, begging you to take it. But for the love of God, please don't pull me down with you, Danica."

Jade's voice wobbles and breaks something inside of me. My friend's teary gaze is firm and resolute as it remains on me. Her lips are pinched tightly, and she's still reaching out to me.

"Please," she says.

I turn my back on her, swipe at the tears on my face, and inhale deeply. Memories of my past, of the partying that I've done, and the shameful acts I've participated in, plague me, making me need another pill, another drink, another something. Anything to wash away the pain and the shame.

"Danica...please," she repeats softer this time.

I think about my brother, Onyx, who has stood up for me so many times that I can't count. Onyx finally got tired of my shenanigans, and though he showed up at the hospital for me, he didn't return to visit. For him, I have become a weary and burdensome job. He has a family now. He has a wife and two kids, and he cannot waste energy on me.

I think about my parents who have aged greatly, and my beautiful mother who carries the stress of worrying about me in the lines on her face and her slumped shoulders that once bore a graceful, regal bearing. My father, who no longer speaks to me, came to the hospital after I passed out on TV, and once he saw that I was alive and well, he walked right back out without a word of greeting to me.

I think about my cousins' wives, Mak, Yaya, and Morgan, and my cousin, Poppy. At some stage, each of them has reached out to me, embraced and loved on me, begging me to get help, but I shut them out.

Then, I think about the man that I have loved for almost a lifetime. A man who was beautiful, loving, and kind, and who I hurt deeply with my selfish actions. I thank God that he has never seen me in this state. Then, I think of how ashamed I would be if he were to see me this way.

"Please," Jade says once more, hiccupping a sob.

I turn around and see my friend the way that I saw her when we first met in high school before she left to go off to college; young, fresh-faced, hopeful, full of promise, excited about tackling the world, and wanting to be an instrumental part of boosting my career.

I think about how she went off to college while I was away traveling the world and trying to launch my modeling career, and how she would send me leads, suggestions, and names. I think about how she came to New York when I was in the studio apartment I shared with a girl named Leah., and how Jade begged me to allow her to be my agent and told me that I would never regret that decision.

I have not until now.

I regret that I have pulled her into my mess.

I regret that I have hurt my best and only friend so deeply.

Slowly, I nod and walk to her. Jade's hand is still extended. When I take it, she pulls me to her in a hug, and she holds on so tight that I can barely breathe.

But I find it deep in my soul to thank God that she hasn't let go, that she won't let go. She's the only lifeline that I have.

"Yes, Jade. Yes, I'll go," I cry.

***

"This road won't be easy. You will have to put in the hard work individually and as a group. You have a strong support system here, and each of you has one outside of these walls. If that weren't so, you wouldn't be here. The only way that you can make it is with that support system and with faith in yourself," Tia, the center director, says.

"We are here to kick your ass. We will be rough on you and hard on you. We're not here to baby you because you're all adults, and we're not your mamas or daddies. We don't accept any excuses, and neither should you. As Tia said, it will be hard, but you can do it. The hardest part was walking through those doors and admitting that need help," Brandon, the head psychologist, says. "We are here for you no matter what you need. At every time of the day or night, there will be a physical therapist, psychologist, and physiologist available with other staff to meet your needs. Take advantage of what we offer. You're paying a pretty penny for it."

I casually tune out as I look around the room. Large planters with beautiful plants and fountains are all around us.

When the orientation session is complete, I find myself beelining for the door.

"Danica," Tia calls out to me.

Rolling my eyes, I find myself slowly turning around to address the other woman. I have no inclination to be friends with anyone or to make small talk. I simply want to make it through the next ninety days that Jade signed me up for and then return to my show.

Although I agreed with Jade's suggestion, I'm not looking forward to being locked away from the world for three months.

"Hi, Danica."

"Hello."

"I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to Horizons. I know that this decision to come here wasn't an easy one, but I'm glad that you made the choice. Being under the spotlight can bring a lot of pressure, causing a person to lose control of their physical, spiritual, and mental well-being. I cannot begin to understand the type of pressure you have been under with the successful career that you have and constantly being in the spotlight.

"I want to say that I hope that your reason for coming isn't solely to prove to your producers or network, or whoever makes casting decisions and decisions about what shows will air, that you can maintain your show. Because if that's the reason, I can promise you now that you will fail."

"Excuse me?"

"Hear me out," she says, leveling a serious look my way. "I've been doing this for two decades now, and I've seen many success stories, and I've seen many devastating outcomes. I don't want you to be in the latter. If you're not doing this for yourself...not for Mama, Daddy, sister, brother, or lover, but for you, then you won't be successful. I'm just telling you what I know."

"Did you give anyone else that warning when they walked through these doors?" I ask heatedly.

"I didn't have to. They have received their warnings through the messages that were conveyed here today. Many of them have a lot at stake just like you do, but they all have one thing in common."

"What's that?"

"The public isn't vested in their success or failure."

"Listen, I don't want any special treatment. I didn't come here for that."

"Good. We're on the same page because you're not going to get it. You're going to get your ass kicked just like everyone else. You're going to put in the work just like everyone else. And if you're not, then you'll be asked to leave just like anyone else."

I lift an eyebrow at her as we stand staring at one another for several long seconds.

"Will there be anything else?" I ask with hostility vibrating through me.

"No. That's all, Danica."

I move around her and head back down the hallway to the second wing where my room is located. When I return to my room, I fall flat on my bed, wondering what the hell I've signed myself up for.

We don't even have access to our phones. We're only allowed to use the phone in the observatory or the recreation rooms once a week.

I glance at the pink and white journal on my nightstand with the floral design on the front.

Exercise.

Writing.

Individual therapy sessions.

Group counseling.

Art sessions.

That's what I've signed up for. I have a feeling this will be the longest three months of my life.