Chapter 23

SITA

I know that I’ve been ill-tempered. But if I’m going to go home in the spring, there is no sense in letting my love for Gurrek grow. It would be cruel for our relationship to creep any further forward if I’m only going to abandon him.

So I shove my love for him down as far as I can and stomp on it like lit ashes—though it still aches to see them go dark.

Stupidly, I long for Gurrek. Every time I see him, desire lances through me, hot and powerful. But even when he asks me to return to his room and sleep in his bed, I don’t allow myself the pleasure of touching him. If I feed that hungry animal inside me, if I allow it to come out and touch his cock and kiss his lips and curl up against him as we sleep, then I will never tame it.

I’m going home, and I will keep him at arm’s length until then so perhaps it won’t hurt him as much when I do. Though I think it will be inescapable. Already I know that I’ve wounded him, as the mood in our home grows ever more dreary.

Perhaps I can make him hate me, instead, so he will be glad when I go. But it makes my chest throb to think it.

It’s the day before the solstice when I get to the forge in the early afternoon, like I always do. Gurrek glances up as I enter, nods at me, and then returns to his work. I’m surprised to not be greeted by a “hello, sweetling,” as I’m accustomed to, but I write it off to him being consumed by his work. I know the gifts he’s giving me are not cheap ones, and it only makes me feel more awful about what’s to come.

Every night since his first gift, I have thought I should tell him the truth, before he wastes any more coin on me. But every night, I become a coward. I don’t think I could bear the look on Gurrek’s face when I tell him that I’m leaving and never coming back for him.

When I return from making a delivery, I find the forge already closed and locked up. That’s curious. I turn and head home instead, and the smell of cooking food greets me.

I think again how lucky I am to be married to someone who cooks, to someone who cleans, to someone who thinks of me so dearly that he showers me with gifts. I would never find someone like Gurrek back in my village.

But I have to remember that my own happiness, my own longing, is a privilege. Who knows how my family has been faring without me? That is where I belong, and where I am most needed.

Besides, though it may hurt him now, I know he will thank me later. Once I am out of his life and his obligation to me is finished, he will be free to find someone else—someone better suited to him and his needs. Someone who can hold on to the roof, and chop the wood, and fit his cock.

When I walk in the front door, Gurrek says a quick, clipped “Hello,” not looking up from his work at the stove. I sit at the table, wondering what gift awaits me tonight.

I ought to tell him now, right now, so he can return whatever it is. Unfortunately, it’s probably yet another thing he has had fashioned in my size, something made for a human . But once more, I am too cowardly to find out what he would do, so we eat our meal in silence just as we have for the last few weeks. Gurrek keeps his eyes on his food and barely eats any of it.

“I have a gift for you,” he says after I’ve cleaned up, but there’s no excitement in his eyes. I nod, because I expected this, even as a stone sinks deep in my belly.

He leads me into my room, where the furniture has been shifted around. Immediately, I know why.

There is a brand-new loom there, beautiful in its craftsmanship, finer than either of the looms at Merka’s house. It is crafted from pine and the surface is well-oiled, the design complex and intricate. Beside the loom sits a basket of threads in various colors—all my favorites, from ochre to cinnamon to evergreen.

It’s such a marvelous gift, truly the most thoughtful token of affection I could ever have imagined, that the tears break free before I can stop them. It surely cost Gurrek a fortune with as many parts and pieces as it has, all working together.

I fall to my knees in front of it, touching the braces, the pedals, everything that was so beautifully crafted and hewn together. I could never have dreamed of owning something so marvelous, and here it is, in my bedroom.

For me.

“Sweetling?”

Just hearing this word in Gurrek’s voice tears another sob from my throat. How could I ever leave someone who would do such a selfless and precious thing for me? Who would scrimp and save and then spend everything he has on such a gift?

Gurrek kneels beside me and rubs my back in slow circles while the sobs wrack my body.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t know this would upset you so much. We can take it back tomorrow.”

“No!” I nearly shout it. “No, please. I...” I swallow hard, trying to still the quivering of my body and the flood of tears streaming down my cheeks. “It’s wonderful, Gurrek. It’s the most wonderful thing. And I do not deserve it.”

His hand slows. “What do you mean?” He tugs me into the circle of his arms, and finally, I let him, collapsing into his warm, comforting embrace. “Of course you do. You love to weave.” He strokes my hair as I continue to cry. “It brings you joy. And what makes you happy makes me happy.”

“I don’t deserve it!” I bury my face in his chest, in his shirt that smells so blissfully like him . “I am a horrible wife.”

“Sita.” Gurrek leans back, lifting my chin so I’m forced to look into his eyes. Just seeing the sadness on his face breaks me into pieces again. “You are not. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of having for myself—it is all you. I only intend to show you what you mean to me, to bring you joy, not tears.”

I shake my head because he doesn’t understand. How could he, when I’ve kept it secret from him? When I’ve been too cowardly to tell him the truth, because I can’t stand the idea of hurting him?

I sit back, disentangling us. I have to say the words, as much as it will hurt.

“Gurrek, I’m leaving.” I can’t lie to him, not when he gazes at me with such a deep tenderness. “In the spring, I am going home.”

The look in his yellow eyes is clear as day: I have torn him asunder.

“Home?” Gurrek sits up straighter, a muscle in his jaw tightening. “You want... to go back to your village? Now?”

Do I? Is that truly what I desire? Could I possibly leave this orc who has shown me such care and affection, who has welcomed me into his life, who has given me a place where I can belong?

I don’t want to, but it’s what I have to do.

Before I can answer, Gurrek rises from the floor, his mouth set in a grim line.

“I can’t blame you,” he says, a new hardness to his voice. “You never wanted to come here. You did what you had to do to save your family. I knew it. I have always known it. But I thought that perhaps...” He closes his eyes. “I thought we had built a life together that would sway you. But now I know that is not the case, and mere gifts cannot buy your love. Sending you home is the right thing to do.”

Though I reach for him, fresh tears falling down my cheeks, Gurrek turns around and strides out of the room. I’ve wounded him deeply, and there’s nothing I can say to undo it.

“Gurrek!” I get to my feet and follow him into the kitchen, where he stands at the wash basin, his back facing me. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You’ve given me a marvelous home here. You’ve given me so many reasons to stay. You’ve given me true happiness. But...” I swallow hard, trying my hardest to keep my words clear in the face of how badly I want to dissolve. “I miss my mother. I miss her so much, and my little brother, Van—I don’t know how they’re surviving without me, if they are at all.”

Gurrek doesn’t turn around, but I know he’s listening.

“We could barely make it by as it was, even with me there to work. Now it’s all up to Van, but you don’t understand. He’s just a child, just a boy, and he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.” I shudder all over, imagining how much they’ve probably struggled. “They need me, Gurrek. They need me more than you need me.”

I suppose that now that I’ve said it, it’s my core truth. I can’t live a life here in luxury, with food to eat and warm clothes to wear and a loom to weave on, when my mother and brother have to do hard labor just to afford enough to live.

Besides, all of that luxury has cost Gurrek immensely. He’s done everything in his power to care for me, to give me things I need, all at his own expense—while I do nothing for him in return. I can’t even help when he really needs me.

I am nothing but a drain on him. He was doing just fine before I came along, and now he’s saddled with me and all of my needs.

The right answer is clear as day.

“I’m sorry.” When I sit down at the table, in the small chair Gurrek had made for me, I drop my face into my hands to try to stop the endless flow of tears. “I’m so sorry. When I asked Rulag if I could just visit them, if I could see them and come back, he refused.” I sniffle. “I should have told you, but I didn’t want to hurt you like this. And I thought... I thought that if I did leave, then you could find an orc wife. Someone who could help fix a roof. Someone not so weak. Someone who deserves you.”

I finally fall silent, now that I’ve run out of things to say. Gurrek remains motionless in the kitchen, leaned over the washbasin, his broad shoulders tight and tense. My gaze flicks back to my bedroom, where the brand-new loom sits like a taunt, a reminder of just how horrible I am, how I could never hope to earn the kind of devotion Gurrek offers.

Eventually, when he doesn’t speak, I get to my feet. Perhaps he just needs time to think—or, perhaps, he’ll never speak to me again. I would understand if he decided to kick me out of his life completely. It would be what I deserve to have to go live with Merka.

As I head for my bedroom to pack my belongings, Gurrek’s voice stops me in my tracks.

“Sita.”

My heart starts pounding as I slowly turn back to face him, terrified of what I might see on his face. Gurrek leans back against the counter, his lips and tusks pulled down into a deep frown. What surprises me is the glossy shine to his eyes, as if tears of his own are threatening to fall.

“I believe I understand.” Despite the words, the devastation is clear in those eyes. “I wish you had told me sooner, but I understand that, too.”

I’m still holding my breath, not sure if I should feel relief or not.

“I am infuriated with you,” he says, his brows drawn and severe.

I knew he would be angry, that I was betraying him, but hearing it is worse.

“You are so selfless, so generous with yourself...” He takes a shuddering breath. “It drives me to madness that you would sacrifice everything to help those you love. But how can I fault you for it?” His voice breaks, and at last, one of those threatening tears slips down his cheek.

I have never seen Gurrek cry, and somehow, it’s far more painful than his wrath.

“I can’t,” he continues, shaking his head wearily. “That kind of devotion is the purest virtue. Of course my loving wife, my dedicated partner, would want to be where she can help most. It doesn’t surprise me at all to learn this.”

I bite my lip, hoping, though I’m not sure what it is exactly that I’m hoping for . Gurrek is crying now, and his voice is rough and strangled as he goes on.

“And I want no other wife! I do not want an orc wife. I want my wife.” His voice is rising. “I want the one who is perfect exactly the way she is. The one who is human, who is so loving and dedicated, the one who sleeps beside me every night. The one standing right in front of me.”

My heart is breaking as I hear these words, that I’m the one he still wants. That makes it all far, far worse. If he hated me, if I had broken him, this would be so much easier.

“Is that the only option?” Gurrek asks, quieting again. “Going home to them?”

“I miss them with my whole heart. I know they hurt in my absence.” I grip the back of the chair to stay upright. “My mother, my brother—besides you, they are the dearest people in the world to me.”

“Besides me?” A faint hopefulness comes over him. “Do you really care for me as you care for your family?”

I stare at him, perplexed by his question. “Of course I do. You are the kindest, most gentle person I’ve ever met. You are generous and so giving with your love.” I feel my own eyes stinging again with tears as I say, “Gurrek, you mean everything to me.”

My husband takes another step closer, until he’s towering above me. His eyes are streaked red at the edges as another tear slips down his face, disappearing into his beard.

“Sweetling,” Gurrek says, and just the way he says it fills me up with faith that he might forgive me for how I’ve injured him. “There are other solutions to our problem, I’m sure of it. Solutions where we don’t have to be apart. If Rulag won’t allow you to visit, then I will take you down the mountain myself in the spring. I may not have much spare coin, but I have enough that we could take it with us. With your work at the loom, and my work in the forge, I know we can save up enough money to bring them supplies, to make sure they’re fed and clothed.”

It seems like such a wistful dream, a world where I can have all the things I want, that I can’t picture it. Surely it’s not possible.

“Really?” I ask in barely a whisper. “You would do that for me?”

Gurrek furrows his brow. “I can’t ask you to give up everything you love for me. That isn’t fair to either of us. I want you to be happy here, truly happy. And if that means seeing your family, I would do anything to make sure you get it. Even if it means telling Rulag to fuck off.”

I leap at him, throwing my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest. Tentatively, Gurrek’s arms curl around me, bringing me in even closer.

If I can really have it all, then perhaps I have found where I’m meant to be.